Bipolar check-in #46

I was just thinking now how I officially wished my Mom and even my sister in law's Mom and sister, but I completely forgot my own sister!! D'oh! And I think it's too late to message her right now. hmm... I think she has her texts on silence though, so I'll just do it. Better late than never, right?? :P

At least we all had a great video chat as a family today. And I even got a little extra time with just Mom, Sis and my nephew. It was a pretty good day, considering I woke up in a bad mood and the weather was gloomy and the mood was on and off all day...but still, good stuff! Lots of love!

Rough day yesterday, but I persevered, so at least that's good.

This morning, I am going to scout out some potential bike routes w/ my car. Not sure if some areas are ghetto like or not, so that's what I am going to see. I could not ride yesterday, and this morning is a no-go since I have a 5 O'clock deadline tonight for work, so I may have to go out later. Oh well. Better late than never, right?

I hope everyone has a good day despite these modern day challenges.

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Edit: did some scouting (since the neighborhood i was looking at is connected to my complex). I think I'll have a heart attack trying to ride up and down those hills! They are so steep even for walking! Also, I had to slam the brakes going down some hills because they seemed like a 45 degree angle!! Now I have to find somewhere else to go. Bummer! Oh well. At least I looked in advance.

Good here. Thanks for asking!

I'm glad to read that you are well, @Fury. I hope you're enjoying spring.

Thanks bpcyclist,

I really think this is situational so I'm not sure I need any additional medication, and my pdoc may feel the same. Nonetheless, I see her in a couple of weeks and will ask. I'm back in touch with a dear friend from work, will be buying ingredients tomorrow to cook with a couple of friends (though I hate to cook, I hope that doing it with others will help), and I ordered a couple of puzzles. I hope this helps. I'm trying. I just feel so low...

After some morning cleaning, I want to take it easy for a change. I've been involved in too many physical work projects for several days. Hubby and I are sore from trying to replace a sink faucet yesterday. Handyman work never seems easy for us.

Hubby doesn't know, but I plan to make a really nice dessert for my own birthday, which is tommorow. It needs to be made at least 24 hours ahead of time. We agreed to order takeout for dinner tomorrow, but I got discouraged when he vetoed my first choice in restaurants. I wanted sushi, but he thinks that is unsafe due to covid-19. I think that's bologna. He wants another place, but I know his garlic allergy will cause a hassle. He ALWAYS wants me to do the ordering, but I flat out refused for tomorrow. At this point, I don't give a damn if I have to eat liverwurst for dinner. But I will eat the dessert I'll make (a Malakov trifle).

Did the shopping this morning during the senior hour 7-8 but there were very few people there. Everyone wore masks and stayed away from each other. *****art was horrible. I hate self checkout but I had no choice but to use it. Bought mum more cereal and English muffins and jam and orange marmalade. She goes though that stuff so fast. Forgot the margarine and ice cream so I see another trip in my near future. hate shopping

Tomorrow I have my appointment at Best Buy to get a new iPad. I have questions. Mine is so old that it's wifi only and I want to know if they can transfer the stuff from the old one to the new one. And if I can use a cellular one like a phone. That would be so cool. And just think ill be able to download the library app and get books for free!!!

At work very distracted today by my thoughts. Having a hard time focusing on work. Posted in the Self Injury forum what's kind of going on, so I won't post it here. Can't quit obsessing over it. I don't even know why, I don't feel that bad.

I took some time away but I’m here.

Work was fine yesterday, was there by myself. But after work, waiting for a bus, I got triggered. BADLY. I don't know why this instance hit so hard, but it did. One upside with the mask thing is that between that and my sunglasses, I don't think anyone knew I was crying. Then when I got home, the floodgates really opened. Words cannot convey how very, very much I hate BDD.

Set about self-soothing right away. Some healthy, some less so.

Doing alright today so far. (I get triggered constantly, but normally, I can get away with gut-wrenching pangs, as opposed to losing it altogether.)

Very glad the weather cooled off and it seems it will stay cooler for several days at least.

Have an appt. with pdoc this week. I don't even know if it is tele-thing or not. Probably is.

Lots of all around!

Sorry to hear you got triggered, but I'm glad you were able to hide the tears. That sounds awful.

The weather is cool here too. It was 34F here yesterday. Wish it were warmer!

Good luck with your pdoc appt. I've surprisingly been okay with tele stuff. Maybe you will be too.

welcome back

Does anyone know how it goes to get another appointment or is it call if you need help only at this point in terms of pdoc appointments?

Welcome back @MarcusAurelius !

@scatterbrained04

Sounds like fun!

I'm sorry you were triggered and so intensely.

I think many people are dealing with more intense feelings and reactions due to the added stress of the coronavirus and its many effects upon our lives.

I hope your telemedicine appointment goes well!
I have had some very helpful telemedicine appointments.

Be well.
Much Love

An “update“ tonight

..........

Apparently, we might be allowed to sunbathe on a beach so long as we keep our distance....

Which everyone keeps from me anyway, very wise

I did some grooming and cave clearing today

Papa bear has a tummy upset, so it will be more quiet than usual here tonight..

I’ve been spending a bit of time in nature (our garden ) today

Kind thoughts to all

Hugs and respect

I barely took it easy at all, like I'd hoped. I am completely spent, and yet there's still dinner to figure out. I did make my Malakov trifle, but that was a nightmare. [Dirty dishes all over the place, whipped cream and chocolate flying all over the kitchen wall, floor and my shirt.] The Malakov trifle is not perfect. Well, it'll taste just fine, but the mousse isn't perfect. It has chocolate flecks in it. I suppose one could say that's a nice feature, but it is a screw up. Oh well! I made it for myself.

You know, I've been trying to be strong and certainly have had the appearance of it, but yesterday I almost cried. I'm under such extreme stress. Even though hubby didn't lose his job, I'm still ready to break down. This is all so much! I haven't talked to my father in a long time, and I don't even want to. I don't want to talk to anyone. I've even wanted hubby to stay out of the room from me. I am almost sick and tired of him being home. I wish I had more privacy and freedom during the daytime hours. At night, he always wants to watch TV. I'm sick and tired of TV. I'm getting sick and tired of cooking. Sick and tired!!!!!!! Sometimes the "I want to run away" feeling comes over me, but then I realize I wouldn't even be running away to a better place. The whole entire world is like this, or could eventually be. Unbelievable!

Totally predictable add on: So I told hubby it's a rare "fend for yourself for dinner" night. Rare is an understatement. As expected, he comes to me and asks what he should have for dinner. Gee whiz! Of course I had to come up with something for him that required zero cooking and minimal preparation. You know, gourmet cheeses, the sausages, raw veggies, and bread and butter. I will not go downstairs. If I do, I'll end up helping to get that din din together for him.

That does makes sense. I've also had SI without feeling particularly bad too. It's very weird. I don't know if something is going on with me or not. I've had 3 days in the last week that I've been completely obsessed with sex and unable to turn it off. That's not really normal for me. In fact one day I couldn't turn it off and it was making me miserable and wasn't fun at all. Idk. But I feel mostly normal. I could really do without the SH thing. I haven't been able to turn it off all day yesterday and all day today.

I know the obsessed with sex feeling. I had a "friend" for just such a situation but Im trying really hard to not even think of going over there for obvious reasons.

Im thinking of the time I had to have the police and ambulance come because of SH/sui. Its so quiet in here right now compared with that day!

My surgery got postponed to Friday at a different hospital. I'm worried I'm going to mess something up major because the instructions are given over the phone mostly and the written instructions I got aren't very clear. On the bright side, my mixed episode is over, or at least taking a break for a couple days. I'm anxious it's going to come back. My episodes sometimes do that; they'll take a break for a day or two and when I get excited it's over they'll come back and hit me like a train. I did have an increase in my Risperdal last week and I'm at the highest dose now so hopefully it's kicking in and actually doing its job. I slept pretty good last night too. I restarted the prazosin so no nightmares except the first night when I fell asleep at 6am.
Overall doing much better but still an anxious mess.

I hope your surgery goes very well, spikes. Perhaps your episode will stay away for a long while. It's good that you got some good sleep last night.

I haven’t emailed my therapist in awhile. I’m not sure what she’ll say. I feel like she sometimes gets concerned about me since she outright says she’s worried about me. I just legit have had nothing to say. I don’t want her to think I’m mad at her or that she said something wrong or thinks something happened. I think it’s kind of human nature to assume that though when someone’s suddenly stopped contacting you. Or maybe that’s just my skewed way of thinking.

I feel a lot better after my first night at IOP. I spent all night in fear and fitful sleep because I kept having auditory hallucinations. I kept hearing footsteps. I have never heard that before so I don’t think it’s a house issue. I also heard my son, twice. Once it sounded like he called out for help so I rushed to his room but he was asleep. Then in the muddle of the night I heard him say “hi mommy” but he wasn’t there. I also had an olfactory hallucination. I smelled this sickly sweet smell which I eventually identified as the ylang ylang oil I use in my diffuser, but it was in the living room. I was pretty terrified all night. I’m scared for the dark tonight already. I think it’s coming from all the nightmares. I hope I get in touch with the new dr soon and get minipress. I’m still hoping to go on seroquel as well, at least for sleep.

We went on a walk yesterday and found a perfectly good bike out in the trash, perfect size for my son! The woman at the house said we could take it. He still doesn’t know how to ride a bike even though he’s nine. He’s just scared of getting hurt. But he rode it a little with RS holding him so I have hope! Not supposed to really warm up here until Thursday so no walks for me again until then.

It was my sister's birthday on Sunday, the fourth without her.

We made a big lunch on Sunday and were all together for it which was nice. I called my mother and my kids gave their mother a nice card and flowers.

The depression was bad on Sunday though. I had really bad body pains and lots of negative thoughts. I tried my best to ignore it all and focus instead on cooking and getting things ready for our lunch. It was not pleasant to move but I managed.

Everyone helped to clean up after lunch and we had a nice clean place with all the dishes done for the evening.

I solved a really hard problem at work today. I did about 80% on my own and needed the help of an expert the last 20%. We work that way - do as much as we can on our own and get help for the really tough parts - it helps everyone improve their skills and avoids getting stuck for too long.

The depression was just a little better today, but I didn't eat anything for most of the day.

My kids ordered food this evening from a Turkish restaurant that we had visited months ago. The food was really good and they wrote a nice review for the delivery person and restaurant. If you haven't tried Turkish food before, I highly recommend it - they make some really nice dishes even for us vegetarians.

I had a nice time listening to music last night. But today has been pretty grim. I laid around most of the day. Thoughts of the past bothered me. But i couldn't seem to stand any activity. I did manage to go in an online trivia contest with my IRL support group. It was nice to see a couple friendly faces. Still trying to be grateful for my blessings. Glad to have a life which allows me to endure my depression in relative ease.

Hugs to all those who suffer.