Bipolar check-in #46

I hope you can get your needs met by your doc today.
Very wise of you to reach out for help before the weekend begins!

Ugh. Yesterday I felt so wiped out from seroquel that I fell asleep on my phone call to work. I woke up in a panic, thinking I had missed something. Thankfully I hadn’t. I tried very hard to go to sleep without it last night but by about 12:30 I relented. I cut my pill in half and only took 25mg. It helped but I still feel very tired today. Not as tired as yesterday but tired nonetheless.

I want off this evil drug.

Doctor is on vacation, talked to my therapist and he's trying to get in contact with the doctor at the partial hospital program he works at.

I am so frightened by what's happening in my country. I never thought in a million years that this would be tolerated for so long. I am deeply saddened that a democracy is starting to look like a dictatorship. It must change at the end of the year. Must! If not, I am going to ask my husband to move to Europe. But even there, I wonder how safe we will be. Putin and his buddy could try to take over the world and create what many would perceive as an evil empire. And you all know who is most hurt under such totalitarian regimes? The perceived "weak" and those that the hierarchy believes as "inferior".

My husband grew up under communism, a country with totalitarian rule. He knows what it looks like and how it operates. He escaped that in search for more freedom. Now, he believes life in his old country may possibly be better for us. Communist rule was broken down by the Velvet Revolution. But is CZ fully safe? The Ukraine is not that far away, and they have been invaded. There were consequences for that invasion, but in the last few years, those consequences have gradually been taken away, to a large degree.

It's not really tolerated, if I am honest. Most people are sick of it but cannot do anything about it until November. Just read his Twitter and look at all the negative comments. Also look at Reddit. Even people of the same party are sick of it and turning on him.

Putin won't take over the world. Maybe Ukraine and possibly Syria, but not the world. Hitler tried that and look what happened.

I am feeling pretty low right now. I woke up feeling like garbage. I slept 10 or 11 hours last night.

Don't want to do my pdoc appt. I thought it was at 9:45am, but it is actually at 10:45am now. But I think I am in for a huge overhaul.

Good luck with your appointment, bluebicycle. A lot of us have been concerned about you. I hope that whatever happens as a result of your appointment is very helpful. Please don't miss it.

I thank you for trying to reassure me on the other topic, but history has examples where such assumptions didn't yield expected results. I hope they will. Goodness! I hope so, for the sake of our country. For the sake of the world.

I will take some prn Seroquel. I am just beside myself!

The one thing that we always have is a choice in how we construct our inner world. We can allow others to define it, or we can generate our own inner peace despite the outside world.

There is a time and a place for both certainly. We cannot simply turn a blind eye and cut ourselves off and shut off our empathy, but we can always remember the way home when our hearts and minds feel pulled in various directions. The root of your heart always stays home. It is unconditional and you are always accepted there. You can feel your way back even in crisis.

The more and more we return to the heart, the more and more we carry the essence of it instead of fear into our interactions with others. Change that stems from this heart centered place is lasting.

I think you are amazingly brave and your heart is tremendous. I feel there is a home for you no matter where you land.

Thank you for this post.

Respect and kind thoughts to ALL.

FWIW it’s worth I have usually managed to skip those posts but I was very triggered last night and while my triggers belong to me, sometimes I feel a sense of injustice. Or something. And it increases my

Blue

Hugs and much respect to you blue. I hope you feel better soon. I’ve been feeling pretty down (understatement) lately too ... I love the idea of an overhaul but not sure what that would be for a bear

Glad you got some sleep!!! Have a peaceful day!!!!!!

There are other options, wfc. I found low-dose Seroquel more sedating than higher dose...

I share your fear, BirdDancer. And anguish. What is happening right now is tragic and horrifying. Trump is an authoritarian. No different than Erdogan, Putin, Sddm, or Xi. They are all the same. The incinerate human rights, prosecute, imprison, and kill their enemies, and silence the press. He is nothing original.

But, history has very clearly shown us that all authoritarians ultimately fail. The Japanese Empire. Hitler. Stalin. Pol Pot. I could go on all week. Iran and Saudi Arabia? They will totally and absolutel fail. It is just a matter of time.

Human being thirst for freedom of faith and freedom of speech/the press. They will not be denied. Trump and his totalitarian sycophants and pathetic suckups will be destroyed--either peacefully or not remotely peacefully. I hope for the former. And as I have said before, I am a lifelong Republican. Trump is certainly no Republican. He is evil in his moral core.

"The true essence of a dictatorship is in fact not its regularity but its unpredictability and caprice; those who live under it must never be able to relax, must never be quite sure if they have followed the rules correctly or not," Christopher Hitchens.

Prayers for the United States of America. If he wins, I do believe there will be a civil war. Hope I am wrong.

'Civil' war. One of the most intersting paradoxes ever.

Maybe it will help things move along, blue. Hope you have a nice visit with him. And still hope you can find a new pdoc.

What you describe about remaining connected to the hear, even when the firestorms are raging? I believe that is why Martin Luther King, Jr. was ultimately successful.

Thanks BirdDancer, Fuzzy, and bpcyclist

I was prescribed Trileptal, 2x a day. I hope I do not develop any negative side effects from it, but knowing me, I probably will.

If the Trileptal works, our plan is to wean off the lamictal. I said a flat out "NO" to lithium, though. I would like to use that as a LAST resort.

Looks like my AP is staying the same though, so idk if that is good or not.

I'll be going back to partial hospital to try clozapine, intake is this upcoming wednesday

Yes, I’m sure there are, I just don’t know what. Trazodone doesn’t work anymore unless I take a high dose, and even then I sometimes have to mix klonopin with it, which I am wary of doing. I’ve heard too many horror stories of ambien and lunesta.

Thing is, even when I was on 200mg of XR for a month (which is admittedly still a relatively small dose), I was still completely and totally wiped out. I was falling asleep driving to work, and I felt like I didn’t really “wake up” until like 1pm, which was well over half of my work day.

Plus, I’m eating like five meals a day now. I’m so hungry. I mean, I’m also craving snacks which is a sign of pms for me (I’m all screwed up because of high prolactin, thanks haldol). So I don’t know where one begins and the other ends. But the hunger I attribute to seroquel, because with pms I’m not usually hungry, I just feel like eating. I hate it.

Sigh. I don’t really like my IOP pdoc. He doesn’t seem to take me seriously, plus he doesn’t know my history so he could just think I’m being difficult when I tell him that most medications haven’t worked for me. I don’t know. I talk to him next week sometime.

I hope the Trileptal serves you well, bluebicycle. I was on it briefly, and don't remember side effects. I forget why I was taken off. Probably it was during a turbulent period for me when my meds were overhauled frequently. I just recently read someone say how they love Trileptal. It was in the Bipolar Treatments subforum at Trileptal

So, still no access to pharmacy. Protesting has forced most stores to close down. These are crazy times I tell ya! *facepalms

I am sorry . in “these times” I personally feel that it is preferable if we try to be supportive to all... but “these times” is not my “forte” as the step witch so kindly pointed out

No acknowledgement whatsoever is desired or required for this post. I have been..literally... surviving from day to day. And it is MY stupid fault for being a Highly Allergic Individual and a survivor who wishes she was a thriver but no idea of how to “achieve” that...of severe abuse and neglect which she Should never have let herself be hurt or “damaged” by .... ever. Why. Why is fuzzy too fuzzy for this world and maybe in this moment is “not quite sane”

What is that? I do not know.



“up to Geordy land. (sp) I liked that shrink damn it.

(knopfler)

Toiled for a pittance and a black load
How the young and old....

Sorry if this is triggering not my intent. It’s what is playing randomly. I must NOT engage with papa bear

I am “safe”

Regards

Fuzzy

5.15 am

He said that “my head is not very happy”

And it is MY Fault

For crying out loud fuzzy... get over being fuzzy

Oops. Yeah. Sorry about all of that. I have been seriously considering asking a GP for lamictal to try to “achieve” more stability. But I Am very worried about the lamictal rash. So for now I feel it is safer to be “independent of the “services” which is Strongly Encouraged in these parts. And “quite frankly” I am being very polite and reasonable in this post.

I wish it was just that there was one or two not so great apples In Real Life ..... I have also thought of moving house or even country. But obviously that is even less of an option than “usual” “in these times” which I guess some might previously have accused me of being in denial of. IRL. If I had spoken to them. But I do not. Like another person I have found it more helpful not to trust them. Or even speak to them at all ...But that could change. Not sure how but maybe.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself, falcon. Clozaril sounds like a miracle drug for lots of people.