Bipolar check-in #46

Maybe a fissure? I hope it is nothing serious. Have you tried a sitz bath? Feel better soon!

My pdoc met with me via vid chat today. I was at work so just locked the door and turned off the lights for 20 minutes. She is glad I'll be getting ECT this Friday and maybe again soon after.

Im late getting to PC today, I hope that the panic has eased and your just excited to see M and have her there for a month

Have you considered trying Minipress or Tenex? Both are low dose blood pressure meds but have shown it does certainly help some with PTSD nighmares and helps many people fall asleep easier. I tried them an Minipress did help but my Blood pressure just runs to low to take it or Tenex on a regular basis ... Ask your Pdoc ... It cant hurt to try one.

Stayed in bed all day today. Only got up to make a real easy and quick dinner. I did lay out with RS for a bit just to switch locations. I wanted to take a walk but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Maybe tomorrow. I have therapy tomorrow. I wang to talk about the obsessive thoughts I’ve been having about my late husband at night. I already know it’s going to happen tonight because I’ve been lightly thinking about it all day, dreading going to sleep tonight. I’m also afraid of having nightmares again. I’m not sure if I should ask about mini press or not. I dint know if it’s that bad.

A friend came over this weekend for lunch. We hung out in the backyard, it was nice. I ate too much and ended up skipping dinner because of that. We have lots of leftovers so lunch today was nice too.

My wife and I made a cheesecake and it turned out really well even though we made some mistakes in the recipe.

My sister's birthday is coming up soon. It'll be the 4th one without her.

It's also mother's day that day so I'll go see her and maybe take some flowers if I can find any.

I feel guilty about how I observed my sister's birthdays. I would get a card last minute and figure out what to write in it and send it off by courier or something because I didn't want it to be late. She would always be thoughtful: she often made the card she sent and wrote very thoughtful things in her cards. And she would do that for my kids and wife too for they're l their birthdays and other times too. I feel badly that I didn't put as much thought into her cards.

If I had known that the last card I sent her would have been the last one, I would have said more. But at least I got to tell her that I loved her a day before she passed away.

I'm feeling low and anxious. I'm waking up at night and getting out of bed for an hour or so then going back to bed. It's really strange.

Hi Scooter!

What great news! It's wonderful you'd enjoyed the time with your friend!
I know that sometimes the anhedonia has been very challenging.

Your love for your sister is apparent. Your dedication to her is very sweet.

I do know what it is like to lose someone important to me, wishing I had shown him/her just how much I loved them. After a few of these types pf losses, I'd decided to open up more, allowing my emotions/my love expression every day.

Many people are feeling extra low and very anxious these days. I don't mean to discount your pain in any way by saying this. For many, the COVIDS situation is adding to their depression, their pain, their anxiety. It's certainly possible COVIDS has little to nothing to do with your low and anxious feelings? It's entirely possible something else, entirely, is bothering you.

You are a very kind and thoughtful man. I am sure your sister knows how much you have loved her. I would bet all of my money on it!

It's always a treat to read any message you leave here.
Please take care, Scooter!

Nice--I only know about road bikes. But, I am also totally not a Specialized person at all. Giant always seems to offer the best value, along with Cannondale, since they actually mfr. their own frames and almost everything else, too. Good luck!!!!

Will have to read most of today's posts tomorrow. Could not sleep, so am doing tomorrow AM post now, in order to do something besides sit around and cry.


52 miles on bike was very nice. Lovely day. Ruined by picking up the full Trilafon Rx, a med supposed;y around $10 for a month--I paid $40!!! Infuriating. The other one he wants me to try next--$270 a month. Not insured. Won't be happening, obviously..

Won't go into details, but watching a scene in show about topic I am very sensitive about and burst into tears. Biggest cry I have had in maybe 10 years. Could not stop. Trilafon? Dunno. The reality is, the way I was feeling during cry and feel now is all legit 100%. I do not belong on this earth. It has just been too difficult for too long. Not remotely suicidal--don't worry. Not at all. But I do feel that I belong in another place with my creator and I would really prefer to go there today. I am just worn out by all this.

So sorry to be posting this, as I am sure I just sound like a constant negative source here. So sorry for that. But this is truly how I feel. I am tired of waiting to go somewhere where I believe each day will not be a giant struggle to keep above water. This has just been too tiring for me. I am exhausted.


Love and hugs to everyone. Not giving up. I will never give up. But I want to. I really do.

What does one say to someone who threatens to destroy property? Because if it gets that far it will surely be me getting destroyed

I’m sorry you are struggling so. I hope you feel better soon. I know you are weary but hang in there. Your answer could be right around the corner just out of sight. You are a valuable, beloved member of this forum. I’m glad you’re here.

I agree with Jennifer. I was looking for the right quote or words to offer here and a friend sent me this out of nowhere. I feel it applies. You are a beautiful soul and you bring Heaven to Earth every time you trust and walk your path.

'For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and a hope.'
Jeremiah 29:11

I'm so glad everything is working out for you and that you got to meet with your pdoc! Wishing you the best of luck on Friday with your ECT appointment.

@Moose72: Sorry to hear that. That really sucks.

I hope doctors can figure out what's wrong so that you feel better soon. That sounds really difficult and stressful to deal with. Please do keep us updated.

That's a smart idea about renting out the house. Now is a good time for buyers, but not a good time for sellers.

I remember when my dad rented out his old condo to people. It was good for the most part, except for this dumb lady who kept saying, "I think something is wrong with the oven. I have it set at 550 degrees and my cookies are burning." So of course my dad had to bring in a tech to say, "nope, nothing wrong with the oven." But other than that, it went pretty well for him until he sold it.

Anyway, Brno is a nice area. I get lost in that damn city though. The trains confuse me and I don't understand any of the stop names. IIRC, all the stop names begin with the same letter, like S or Z or something.

I usually stay in the Barcello if I go there, or however you spell it.

Bought myself a new bike yesterday. I said, "f_ck it. I'm not waiting forever for my bike to get fixed." The shipping of the bike from the warehouse is a bit delayed because many people are buying bikes (due to corona), so it's coming 1 week after my birthday. Hopefully I get it then, but of course the shop has to build it first, so who knows. But I did some research and apparently because bike shops are so used to maintaining/fixing bikes, they can build one in 20 mins, so it seems like they can turn it around quickly for me.

I did bring my current bike into the shop to get tuned up, so they're gonna do that for me. Should be a piece of cake. It'll just take a while to get back. However, it's no big deal. My mom wants to ride the bike, so I'm just going to give it to her as a late Mother's Day gift (when it's done). I could fit two bikes in my apartment, but my mom needs a new bike, so why not? It's a nice bike anyways.

The color of the bike is orange, which is not ideal, but all 95% of bikes in this country are all sold out, so it is what it is. Orange is one of my favorite colors, but I'm not sure how I feel about orange on a bike. Oh well. At least I'll be seen? lol. It's just a bike anyways, so whatever. Better than Mantis Green (which is really gross looking IMO).

Anyway, off to work. I hope everyone has a good day.

Quick update.

Thank you so much fern and Jennifer for your kind words and wisdom. That quote was just what I needed, fern. And thanks to everyone who has helped me make it this far. So grateful for each and every one of you. I will continue to say it--you have saved me from me. Many times.


I slept quite well. Not too worried about spies this morning. My back was hurting a lot and is better. It will be 75 here today and I should get out on the bike. Rhodies are now blooming everywhere. They are the size of VWs here. Stunning. Things look better today. Maybe I can turn a corner here...

Love and peace to all!!!!

Leaving soon for my injection. Got the call, my surgery is next week on Monday, but I don't know what time just yet. I'm not feeling the best today.

The specialist dr called this morning. He wants to do a scope- but i'll just have to use an enema not like the stuff they give you for a colonoscopy (this isnt one of those). Its set for June 1st. Im thinking I'll be all healed by then! That's a long way away.

dang, that is far away. I'm guessing what's happening is that your governor is allowing elective procedures to start up again, so people probably called up to rebook their colonoscopies, endoscopies, etc., and so the GI drs don't have any space to squeeze you in for something more emergent, which sucks.

when I went to see a GI dr last year, I had to wait FOUR months for an opening. it was ridiculous. some people go to GI drs for completely stupid reasons, and so they clog up the GI drs' schedules. like, I overheard a guy talking to a nurse who was walking him out into the waiting room, and he was like, "so dr. so-and-so said it's ok that I'm only making a bowel movement once a day? I thought four was normal." And THESE are the kinds of people who waste drs' time! Makes me so mad.

Would you be willing to go to the ER instead of waiting if it gets worse?

If someone is that angry you need to leave now before your hurt. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and call 911 Or whatever the emergency number is for you that will bring police to you asap

Stay safe and Welcome to PC

My doctor suggested that but my spcialist dr wants to do the scope. I havent had blood today but then again i havent had a bm either.

Moose, I hope this resolves itself quickly.

The hospital where I get ECT called today saying I have to do a COVID test before I can go in for the ECT itself. I knew this but thought I was doing it the morning of the treatment. As it turns out they want to do it the day before my ECT so I have to make the drive two days in a row. Two hours there, two hours back.

My understanding is most Health departments has tests, most require a Doctor to order it , But your ECT provider could easily fax an order for one. Might save you a drive to be tested.. Id certainly call to check on it..