Bipolar check-in #46

I'm just in waiting mode. I had my weekly therapy (video) and it was OK. My therapist thinks I'm coping and planning in a reasonable and healthy way. I have some anxiety, but it's not as bad as panic. At least not yet. My therapist and I discussed things I can do to prevent possible panic on May 8. Or, if the result is something totally different, I'm almost going to feel strangely let down. Not having a result that would upend my life, being a let down? Maybe in a way.

My husband and I have so much stuff. Really, most of it is my husband's stuff. Tomorrow is a bulk garbage/stuff pickup day for my street. I tried to encourage hubby to consider putting a few things out, but he refused. We have some things that if we will move abroad, that I would want to sell or get rid of first. It's not even as if you can easily sell anything during this pandemic. We've had garage sales in the past (which we couldn't have now during the pandemic) and people only want to give a pittance of what some things are worth. Craig's List seems to attract a bunch of half criminals that you have screen out. Boo!

I thought about that but my local hospital only does COVID testing on Tuesdays and Fridays. Too late for me at this point.

Ahhhhh Bummer

I was at the grocery store moving to the back of the starting line you have to get in. When you get to the front of this line, they tell you which lane to get in. Well, when i was getting to the back of the very long starting line, this lady starts *****ing to her friend about "that lady" meaning me. She turned to me and said that I was in her place in line. She didnt have a cart or anything! She was thoroughly nasty but at least she didn't try to start a fight! AND I saw people shopping without a mask!

Well...I think mania is creeping in. My husband told me today he is worried. I haven’t been sleeping. Last night I went to sleep at 1, woke up at 2 and took an almost hour long shower. Then I tried until probably around 7:30 or so to sleep until I finally succumbed and then woke up for the day about 2 hours later. I haven’t stopped going all day and my mind is racing. And, I just realized I spent almost $100 at Kohl’s online which is a big deal right now because my husband’s crew still doesn’t have a start day and he’s on unemployment. Shew. It’s 2:30. I’m going to try again to sleep and hopefully will get more tonight. I have to be up at 8:30 in the morning because one of my kiddos has an appointment with his resource teacher.

I had a teletherapy session yesterday. Between that and a kind friend here on PC, my anxiety is under control today. Thank you for the messages.

My daughter turns 21 today (where does the time go) but we’re celebrating tomorrow since she is with her dad. I’d like to do something special but well....COVID. I’m thinking of getting her favorite takeout and taking her on a picnic at the lake. I’d like to get her a special present but don’t know what.

The house is sparkling clean. I had less than 48 hours notice so that was a good trick. I’m happy about that although my back is not as pleased.

Doing well today.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Well, wish me luck. I have to return some tires to the bike shop. They open at 9am and it's currently 8:15am. I will likely have to wait in a long line of people just to get into the stupid shop according to the employee who I spoke to when I asked when the best time to go was.

I hate having to be out, but it has to be an in-store return and each tire was $40 apiece. So, I don't want to be out of $80.

Had a restful night of sleep last night, fortunately. I am just anxious about the virus and having to be out in public.

Hugs to everyone!

Yesterday I started making lists of things related to a possible move. One is for things to do to spruce up our house. Another is things we/I could sell locally, once things open up a bit again. The third is a list of what we would definitely bring with us for a move abroad. That list will obviously be smaller than if we moved somewhere domestically. I'm sure there will be yet another list made sometime in the future.

Today I will do at least one of the sprucing up the house items. I think putting new contact paper on the remaining kitchen cabinet shelves. I did the majority months back, plus drawers. I think I will buy even more contact paper for the upstairs closet shelves. I also need to sort out clothes. I should likely donate some.

Some people plain suck. I'm sorry you had to deal with that lady. Some people also just like to cause drama. They never grow out of their teenage years, even well into adulthood.

I'm surprised people were allowed into the store without masks. I thought your governor required masks. Or did they have masks on and they took them off after going inside?

Sorry to hear that, cashart. I hope you were able to wake up on time for your child's appointment.

Have you tried any PRNs to help with the sleep, racing thoughts, shopping, etc.? If yes, I'm wondering if you should call your pdoc before it gets worse. If you're aware of ongoing mood changes, it's good to nip those changes in the bud before they become worse.

Good luck with everything.

I have had the attention span of a manic gnat on meth since starting the Trilafon. Maybe it will get better soon. Hope everyone is well.

Did take some flower pics yesterday on bike ride. I liked these a lot.

Came back from the bike store a little while ago. They were very good about hygiene. They had hand sanitizing bottles and gloves in the front of the store, and they asked everyone who wasn't wearing gloves to use sanitizer and put on some gloves. If you brought your own gloves, then you were supposed to put your gloves on and use sanitizer on them.

Some guy in line (about 4 people behind me) was hacking up a storm without a mask on. His voice made it seem like he was maybe a smoker though, so it's possible it was a smoker's cough and not a corona cough (even though you can of course have both at the same time). Thankfully I was first in line into the bike store and he was told to wait outside while they limited the number of people into the store.

In the end, I exchanged my tires for a pair of Fox MTB gloves, a MTB water bottle, and a water bottle cage. I ended up with $12 back on my card. I totally forgot how large my hands were though! Ended up buying a men's pair because the women's XL pair was too short. lol. Thankfully the Fox gloves some in the same colors and styles for men's and women's, so gender doesn't really matter. But yeah, I'm only somewhere between 5'4" and 5'5". No idea why my hands are massive. lol.

nice flowers. they do look really nice.

I can't wait to start my bike rides soon. makin me jealous!

Maybe that's how it works? It keeps you from being able to concentrate on anything long enough to be psychotic about it Manic gnats, oh no!

Yes, I think you're right that this lady hadn't outgrown her teenage years! And yes, masks are required- it says so when you enter the store. I didn't see these people with a mask at all.

Well I was up again all night and spent another $65. We're having a very serious talk about someone else handling our money. logically I can do it but there's so much I want. I was told to stop buying for my nephew's kid because I'm "just" an aunt. If I could I would do so much more.

I'm making dinner early. It takes a bit of preparation- not much, but some.

@Miguel'smom Can you afford the things you buy? Or is it that you can't afford another $65? Is it just the amount of items you buy because you're "just an aunt"?

I still have no idea why I'm bleeding. I think there must be some sort of damage [from the preparation H part you insert to get the medicine inside], but why wouldn't it quit bleeding by now? Is it the environment that makes it not able to stop bleeding easily? My scope isn't until the first of June!

I think grocery stores are in a tough position. People need food to live and it's hard to turn someone away who's trying to buy food in order to live. Some people don't care to wear masks, so those people obviously suck, but others cannot get their hands on any, as there is just not enough supply to go around. In fact, people w/o internet (e.g., 80 y/o elderly people) are having an especially difficult time with this. A better thing to do is sell people bandanas at the front door and say, "either wear a mask or buy a bandana for $3." ($1 a bandana would be selling them at cost, but $3 would be enough of an inconvenience. If someone is paying $3 for a bandana, they will use it or they'll be wasting $3.) At least that's what I would do personally. Would most likely solve the problem.

Can you afford the things you buy? Not if I want any savings for emergency and a new dog. Is it just the amount of items you buy because you're "just an aunt"? I've brought diapers, stroller, layette set, shampoo, lotion..... I've spent just under $XX. If I HAD extra money every month would pay $XX month for college instead but I can't afford that for any child my nieces and nephews have. I can however I can spend one time $XX for first child for all my nieces and nephews. If I save from the time they find out. That's like $XX/month over time. I don't plan to spend $XX per kid but $XX per family and something smaller for subsequent children because usually there's only one baby shower. My problem is I want to keep buying and that would be unfair to my other nieces and nephews if/when they have kids. I feel they got gypped and will not get gifts from many.

I went to Costco yesterday and picked up water that my kids wanted. I moved in a strange way and hurt my back. I'm in pain today.

I went for a walk and that helped a little but I'm still in pain. I can't take aspirin so I'm stuck with the pain.

Also got some news today that's making my anxiety even worse. It's just one thing after the other pilling on and making me more anxious.

Just taking things hour by hour and trying to stay calm. I'm speaking with my wife about the things so I don't have to face them alone. She's not worried but I tend to worry a lot.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight, I made it through the night last night so that's a good bit of news.

Thats how it always goes- the first kids to be born of a new generation get all the attention and presents.

Hi Scooter,

I am sorry you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and have accidentally hurt your back. I am grateful you have your wife with whom you can share your concerns.

I hope you'll gain significant relief asap!!!
Love and Prayers for You and Yours!

I contacted a vintage guitar center in Philadelphia and a guitar outlet not far from me about them appraising and possibly buying my grandfather's guitar. It is a bit sad the thought of selling it, since it's the only thing I have from him, but I just don't have much of major value to sell. I don't play guitar, and have no wish to.

Most everything of value that we could sell (besides our cars and house, which are both hubby's and mine) belongs to my husband. Yes, hubby always says it's "ours", but I still feel that stuff is his. I feel guilty that he might need to sell more belongings than me to create a nest egg for the future. I do feel guilty that we are in the position we are in because of my disability. Yes, I know it's not my fault. Hubby would never blame me, but...I still feel guilty.

A while back, I sold some gold rings to a jewelry shop. I didn't get that much. Not even enough for a big grocery shopping trip. I even asked for an appraisal for my mother's engagement ring that my dad gave me. They offered so little that I couldn't sell it...as a matter of principle.

I don't have major nostalgia and attachment for/to stuff. Far less than my husband has for some of his stuff, but I understand how/why he has it. That's why I wish I had more valuable stuff of my own to sell, so he wouldn't have to sell any of his.

I feel bored and frustrated. Hurling abuse at myself, what a stupid idiot i am, what an embarrassment, how ashamed i am of myself. It's a very painful way to live.

I'm back "seeing" everyone on the board now. I took a break from a few people.

Feel i've switched gears back into mild depression. So uncomfortable. My sum total of accomplishments today was i watered my plant.