Bipolar check-in #47

I'm feeling worse today, but I'm not surprised. Everyday, my depression is twice as bad as the previous day, so unfortunately, it's expected. However, it's really spiraling out of control, and quickly.. I'm glad I have therapy 2x this week, though. I think both sessions should help me.

I'm trying to stay positive and cling onto the good times (e.g., when I was happy and doing things I loved) and cling onto the fact that I don't want to devastate anybody. I'm trying really hard not to give in. Plus, I know that it takes time for a medication change to kick in... So I am trying to stay hopeful.

Whatever. I just feel like total s***. I sent my boss an email saying that I am taking the day off "because I don't feel well." I didn't want to elaborate on WHY, but yeah... he'll probably think I'm sick with a cold or something. However, telling the truth, unfortunately, could cause trouble and affect my employment, as many of you know.

Sorry you're feeling this way Blue. I'm glad you took the day off if you feel you need it. Offering yourself what you need is so important at times like this.

When we are in a bad place we instinctively seek to move out of it. Sometimes that can work and we pull ourselves out. However, there are times when it seems we are just meant to ride the wave. I was wondering if there is anything you feel you can find of value in this experience. From an observer perspective it seems that perhaps from this angle you are better able to reflect on your manic behavior. Maybe that is of value? Perhaps there some insight you can take away?

I know you want out, but while you're 'here', maybe look around and see if there is anything the experience has to offer. Are there patterns within the feelings? Do they represent anything to you?

Maybe it is nothing, but I generally find there is a gem or two to pick up in all experiences. I find that when I am in a polarized state certain patterns come forward that I have difficulty noticing otherwise. Essentailly, times of hardship offer me material for future growth. I know we are all unique, so I am only tossing that out in the event it can help turn a dark time into a slightly less horrible experience.

Sending lots of support your way.

I think this is a great idea, bpcyclist. What do you think, whatever? In reading your posts, your mood so often seems very tied in to whether you are winning or not in scrabble. I can't help but think a non-competitive endeavor would be good for you. More enjoyable.

If I may ask (and you don't have to answer, obviously), if you have a T, have you guys worked with perfectionistic tendencies and how badly you deal with losing? It's obviously an issue for you, and it can't be fun to let a game throw you around so.

One of the things that's a real standout in what bpcyclist writes about his experience is that he didn't think he could do it. And maybe that's what you're thinking right now. The best approach, in my experience anyway, is to set perfectionism aside and consider it PLAY. Like a kid.

For art, if you don't know where to start, may I suggest collage? It very much lends itself to play.

I’ve been getting all these nice supportive texts and Facebook messages all night and day from family. I really feel supported. I have no idea how my therapy appointment is going to go though. But I got a call from the vet today and it doesn’t look good for my cat. He has massive liver failure. So I feel a lot of mixed emotions today.

Maybe that therapy appt. will help you get things going in a better direction, blue. Sending you strength and love.

Here here. I truly believe that every human being has some kind of art in them...

@Innerzone: Thanks for the very thoughtful reply! I've thought, like you, that perhaps a competitive hobby is not good for me. I've struggled mightily to develop another hobby. Many things. There are a few obstacles. One is that i don't have any room. Another is that most hobbies produce something and then it becomes a problem of what to do with it. I don't like anything on my walls.

I don't have a therapist as i find them harmful.

I'll keep searching for a non-competitive hobby that doesn't take any room or produce anything. Sometimes i like music. I've been playing Scrabble for twenty years now tho. It's pretty unlikely that i'd change horses now. It keeps me involved with the world (i play at a club). I'm part of something. It's brought a lot to my life.

It's mostly a problem of being depressed. When i'm hypomanic i'm delighted with Scrabble. Thanks for your time IZ!

I am so very sorry about your kitty, MD. I hope the cat somehow pulls through.

You hve a lot of support here, too, MD. Don't ever forget it.

Oddly quiet here this morning. Slept fairly well again. Finally forced myself out on the bike yesterday for 90 minnutes. Totally did not want to do it. Yawned the entire way. Was hoping I would feel better after, but that only lasted for 30 minutes or so. I continue to plagued by an overwhelming feeling of spaciness, weakness, fatigue, and not rightness of a kind I really do not exactly recall before. Again, sorta wondering if I am circling the depression drain. Def anhedonic, amotivated, blue a fair amount of the time. No SI, so that is great, and I do actually have a very strong desire to do stuff. I just can't really make it happen.

Did kind of clean a bit yesterday, so that is good. As fern points out, there are times when I just have to ride this thing out. I don't even know what kind of med change one would even make for this weird thing I have going on. No clue. I tis almost a little bit like I am high on some new kind of drug. I do feel high, I would say.

Turned the tube on while making coffee and quite tragically, had to listen to my president attempt to explain to me that the solution to police violence and unaccountability is renewed, blind support for the police. I need to go pull out my 1984again...

Hope everyone is all right out there. Hugs and love to everyone.

sorry about your cat. That's hard.

Ah, one can always change horses... Or ride more than one horse...
I realize it can be hard to change things up as time goes on (I am older than you), but it can be done, and it's usually VERY worth it. Keeps you young as they say.

I did a quick search, and there are a lot of ideas out there. I can't list them right now as I need to get going (the library is "open" for picking up holds! Yea!)

One thing that came to mind as I glanced over some was taking pictures with your phone camera, then manipulating them. As far as till the original image is nearly unrecognizable and has become an abstract if you want. I used to do this on my laptop, and it was engrossing, and VERY much play-oriented. I'd recommend a program, but the one I used dumbed-down to not have as many features. I'm sure there are a lot of good ones though. No outlay. No "stuff" to need room for.

I'll keep brainstorming, and meanwhile, maybe you can do a search and see if anything pops out at you.

Saw t today. Was very, very manic. She texted my husband to make sure he has keys to every car. She called pdoc while I was there. Pdoc called me back while I was in the grocery. Slept less then 5 hours last night. Thoughts were all jumbled. Took me off Wellbutrin for now and made some other changes that I can’t remember so I had to call her back and am waiting for another call. Told my mom I would get my lasagna for dinner ready to be baked then take a couple klonapin and try to sleep. I have SO much to say but I’d never shut up. Thanks for all of your support. Love to you all!

Hoping to get off all of these sedating drugs...but it sounds like she’s putting me on more. I guess it’s because I’m not sleeping well even while taking them. ****!!!

Glad you are getting some help, cashart. Hope your day is calmer...

It'll all come back into balance. Just a temporary measure to get you past this. Hoping that's soon for you! Good thoughts coming your way!

Okay, people, it is official now. I feel high on some kind of drug on some type. Not sure what. Really spacy, just ever-so-slightly dizzyish, kind of a tad derealized. Reminds me just a bit of what Seroquel used to be when I was just starting it. It used to hit me hard for a couple of hours. This feels a little like that.

No mew meds. No unprescribed anything. I can honestly say, I have never felt exactly like this before in my life.

Is it possible that this could be some type of just really weird bipolarish symtpom, do you think? Kind of freaking out bit, because, it just isnt't going away.

Got my blood drawn for clozaril today

I hope it goes well for you. Try to keep track of which arm is used and rotate week to week. Your veins get lots of exercise on this stuff. Even on monthly labs I alternate just so my arm with good veins doesn't get used more than the one with less good veins. I don't want scar tissue on the good arm in 20 years if I'm still on this (and I probably will be barring problems--it works that well that newer meds aren't at all attractive).

If you have questions feel free to PM me or post them. I don't know everything but I"ve been on it a long time and at least have anecdotal experiences.

My main worry so far is making sure they ordered the right lab. I looked up what they ordered and it wasn't WBC or ANC but instead clozapine plasma levels, but the nurse and the lab person said WBC was included. I don't know why I'm worrying they obviously know, I'm just a worrier

That is strange. I would be a bit concerned as well. I wonder if those are symptoms of something else unrelated. I'm not sure what though.

Have you had your lithium levels tested recently? It sounds like some sort of vestibular disorder maybe? Derealization can occur alongside some of those...

Fern has a good point about the lithium levels. When I was admitted for toxicity I was feeling pretty weird. In fact I thought I was having really weird hallucinations but my pdoc picked up on my slurred speech and asked more questions and sent me to the medical ER with a psych consult ordered (she works for the hospital so can do that easily). Sure enough I was toxic enough to spend several days on an IV getting my numbers down. Not saying this is happening to you but getting a level might be a good idea.

Hoping for a peaceful return to balance.

Last lithium level. like, 3 months ago was a tad lowish. Maybe I do need labs again, just in case.

Had no idea about vstibular stuff. I do have vertigo, super badass vertigo, when I do get it. Puts me on the ground like that. I wonder about that. The only other newish thing is this Trilafon, but it has been a couple months. Guess I should go read about it and see if anyone else has had this stuff. Thanks fo the ideas.

Theres a good bit of research on the role of the vestibular system in terms of our feeling attached to the body.

The Neurocritic: Role of the Vestibular System in the Construction of Self

Frontiers | Influence of Visual and Vestibular Hypersensitivity on Derealization and Depersonalization in Chronic Dizziness | Neurology

Apparently it can happen alongside depression and anxiety and it is unknown which is the chicken or the egg.

Just some light reading Admittedly some of this is over my head. Enjoy!

Thanks, Beyond. I will check it out.