Bipolar check-in #47

Ok, back to (something approximating) what I'd actually written...

When I'm depressed, It's not so much anxiety as that I don't feel like I have anything to say. Plus it takes energy. And thinking. So I don't talk much then either. Depression can do such a number on us. You've been depressed for a long while. Do you think it might be connected to the self-esteem destroying lies depression tells?

I got so nervous about my psychiatrist, that I literally drove to his office to see if there was some note on the door. There was none. I went in knowing that the receptionist of the rheumatologist he shares the group of offices with, might be there. I simply asked if she knew if my doctor was OK. She, a little surprised, said yes as if she wondered why I was even asking. I told her I was supposed to have had an appointment with him yesterday, and that I hadn't heard from him. She informed me that he hasn't been seeing patients in person for a while, which I told her I knew. But I know that he had been working out of that office for past video sessions. I know because I saw his office in the background during our video sessions. I thought that if he had, in fact, been in the office yesterday that she might have seen him pass by. I guess she didn't, or she lied to me. Anyway, it was almost as if she didn't even know he had been in the hospital...or even worked at the office these past few months. She even said she assumed he had been working from home the whole time. I don't get that! If she was totally ignorant of everything, I don't think I said anything to her that my psychiatrist wouldn't have wanted me to. I didn't even bring up his recent hospitalization.

This is all so strange! I know there are some people here that call their psychiatrists and don't hear back from them for a while, or at all. That has never been the case with my psychiatrist, unless I specifically said something that implied not needing a call back. I worry he's either back in the hospital, or something else bad happened. If not, and he just forgot that he offered me an appointment yesterday, he must really have his head spinning. I'm so worried.

I’ve been pretty anxious today. Not sure why. I took a Xanax half an hour ago and ate some rice. It’s still there. I have a therapy appointment in a bit. Hopefully she can help figure out what’s going on. Mood wise I’ve been ok. No one in my house seems to know that I’ve been messed up today.

Some days are just a huge challenge and this is one of those for you, BirdDancer. i am so sorry. Will add your pdoc to my rapidly expanding prayer list right now. Maybe he just had to go back to the hospital or something, A little backslide maybe. Let's hope so. Or a family memeber crisis. Who knows? Try to remain as calm as you can. I know how much he means to you. And I know if anything happened to my pdoc I would just lose my entire remaining and very small mind. So, I get it. I do. But let's just wait until there is more information. This could be any of a million options here. Hang in there. Take an extra Seroquel XR if you need to maybe, it migh thelp you a bit with this. Just try to make it through this day, as best you can.

As for your dad, I forgot if they are refusing to allow outside MDs into that facility. Is that the case? Even if deemed medcially required? That would seem odd to me. Maybe that neurologist could go to him? It is medically necessary, quite obviously, to sort all this out. Right?

Hugs and strength and huge love. Just get through the day and then, see what you are dealing with.

Oh, I am so glad, blue. Glad you are a bit better. Listen, be super careful riding in t-storms. I got caught in a very rare one here--we never, ver get them here in Portland and Seattle, almsot never. Lightning can be a killer. I almost got struck last summer. Super spooky.

I think working on the bikes is an outstanding anti-depression tool You should do more of it. Fix them up. Get them tuned. It is good for you. What brand pads do you use?

I drove my best pal of 51 years insane when I visited him in Seattle recently. He introduced me to a delightful work pal of his and we sat on Lake Union in the sun and had a "chat." Except, I apparently said only the following words over about 30 minutes: "Oh, me? I am retired from healthcare."

So, I get it. I believe for me this is primarlily depression rather than anxiety, but that is just me. Perhaps yours is a combo or something, but I do believe depression is at the root of this for many of us. What is your current anti-depression med situation and how do you feel it is working for you?

Hugs and support. You know, there are some newish depression meds that can ofen help when other stuff does not...

Hugs!!!!

Thanks, bpcyclist! And I should have taken the extra Seroquel XR. Instead, I ate two raspberry oatmeal bars. Big ones from the bakery!

The thing that makes all of this hard is that if he did go away on vacation, forgetting me yesterday, I might not hear much or anything from him until August. That's such a long time to possibly be kept hanging. If he did have an emergency, I think he likely will contact me/others at some point before then. I do NOT want to be the kind of patient that bugs him, unnecessarily. I don't want this to be about me, when the support should be for him. Perhaps my support for him should be to leave him alone.

I don't think that as an initial meeting the neurologist would travel to his assisted living. I could ask my sister to ask them. I doubt they would.

Big hugs to you as well, my friend

This is bizarre to me as a former practitioner. My office manager knew way more about me than my not very good wife ever did. How can she not know? Weird...

So, finally slept at maybe 230 or so for I would guess fiveish hours. Not bad, considering hwo up I have been. I feel euthymic so far today, but meds have not kicked in, so. Usually when I am in little manic blip or whatever, my Wellbutrin can kick me up a notch or two, so...

Was actually able to edit my hospital book for 90 minutes yesterday and it was high-quality work, so, hooray!! First time in over a month. I have been so ragged and so down and so amotivated. I also totally cleaned the kitchen, also a small triumph. It looks lovely now and I feel like less of an incompetent. Will try to do some more book work today. If I can finish my edits by end of August, then my editor can get it back to me by the 3rd week fo September and I can have it on shelevs for Christmans still, which has always been the goal. Nothing says Christmas quite like an investigative book about an abusive, giant state hospital system incinertaing civil rights, right?

Need to begin riding the bike again. Maybe, if I keep feeling okay today and stuff, i might be able to slowly add that back in, too. I am hopeful.

Does anyone else here ever feel sort of like they are constantly starting all over again, kind of? Like, you make progress and do well for awhile, and then, have a setback or two and have to kind of begin all over with different meds and stuff? I feel this way a lot. Kind of like I get a new diagnosisi ior something every so often, even though I don't ever get a different diagnosis. It is weird.

An interesting little observation about depression for me. So, amotivation and lack of ability to initiate action or huge issues for me with my depression. So, I got that back yesterday. But, quite interestingly to me, my actuial mood, actual affect, was just horrible. I was extremely sad all day. Nearly cried at one point, which just does not happen ever. So, once again, this process of depression mystifies. It is so complex and has so many individual moving parts. Maybe I will not be so sad today. I am going to have to change my antidepressants, I am sure of it... Thinking about stopping my lithium, I don't think it is helping me anymore, hard as that is to say, since it literally saved my life in 2008.

Love and hugs!!!!!!!!!

The receptionist where my psychiatrist works is actually not his receptionist. He doesn't have one. She is only for the rheumatologist, but she knows him and sees him come and go. That's why I asked her. It is indeed strange that all these weeks he's been doing the video appointments from the office that she didn't notice him much (or at all). I know that rheumatologist works on Mondays. I guess she didn't see him yesterday. I will assume that wasn't a lie.

I kept busy and went down to float. I’m feeling better now.

While I was out of town I called my doctor’s nurse to say I needed some clonazepam. I called more than once and she never called back so I went without. I got back home and found out that she did fill it up there and just didn’t tell me. I’ve had run ins with her before. It took some doing to straighten it out here. I have it now but I’m tempted to complain. The suffering was needless and I’m a little miffed.

Warm regards to all.

I am so thankful my pdoc lets me text him 24/7 if I feel I really am in crisis or it is urgent or something. He knows I will not abuse it, and I never have. But it is a lifeline for me. I talked to him by text all day Sunday, as I was struggling.

I gave all my patients my personal cell number when I was in practice. Same for all the hundreds of surgeons areound the world who trained under me. They never called, like, ever. But they all appreciated the gesture.

I just received an email from my psychiatrist. He apologized for not getting back to me yesterday. He wrote that he is fine and that I can contact him via email before my next appointment on August 5, if necessary. I am relieved to finally hear from him. I won't respond. I don't think it is necessary right now, nor do I think he expects me to. I'm sure he's busy preparing for his trip. I hope it is very restorative.

I spoke with my pdoc and she's increasing my Wellbutrin. She also suggested exercise.

She says I'm quiet because of the depression. She says she thinks that exercise and the Wellbutrin will help.

Thank you to those that replied to my questions earlier.

Yay!!!!!!

Oh, good, Scooter. that is great. What is the Wellbutrin dose going to be now? I have found it very helpul over the years. I hope it helps you.

struggling a bit today

Hugs!!.............

Hang in there, falcon09. Sending you positive vibes!

I'm going to 300 for the next 4 weeks.

Oh, great. Great. That will help you pretty soon, I would expect. Wellbutrin does not take as long as SSRIs and stuff to start working for most folks. So, very excited for you.

So, been re-reading all the lithium and depakote literature just to see about maybe a change or even losing one of these stabilizers. Oddly enough, since my last look at this, now, lithium is like this huge rage for unipolar depression. A number of good studies have show it to be superior to many antidepressants--by a mile. Not even close. Everyone knows lithium reduces S by a lot, but the classical teaching has mostly been that it mostly sucked for bp depression. I feel it worked for me in the past for that, though. Quite well, as a matter of fact. Flattens my affect and limits range of emotions, unfortunately, though. Do not like that. Cannot really laugh.

No evidence whatever that depakote does anything other than bring people down relaibly from mania, which it just did for me last month. So, maybe, possibly, ditch the depakote and keep the lithium, since I am dealing with mostly depressive symptom-type stuff these days? Dunno. We shall see.

But I feel more hopeful just taking the action to read in order to try to advocate for me. So, that is good, i guess.

I’ve never been on lithium (doctor doesn’t like all the tests you gotta take for it), but depakote made me suuuuper depressed I had to stop taking it after a few days.

Really!!!!! That is fascinating, because I got depressed after I started taking a big dose of it. Thank you for this.