Bipolar check-in #47

Adorable!

I'm just all over the place. I'm experiencing the mania effects that I've been posting about the racing thoughts, super-sensitivity to sound and light, but I have no energy, no interest in doing anything, worthless, irritable, all the frequent fliers. all at once. My head's abuzz and I just can't seem to shake anything. I haven't left this spot all day. On the couch. Here. Blegh.

Okay yes it would be nice if people can increase there tipping .. 50% ?? Oh hell NO ! thats just ridiculous. Considering almost everyone has been effected by COVID..... Reduced hours at work or jobs lost /and burned through savings to keep a roof over there heads and the proof is every damn then we need the prices have been increased... I think if a person can tip a few bucks more than they normally would is a great thing... I use to waitress, I accepted that I would be paid 2.12 per hour and my tips would vary. Some days Id made fantastic tips and other days not as much.. It is part of the "risk " a person takes working a job that tips are the main source of income.

In Florida I made 2.12 an hour plus tips. Well Canadians seldom tip because in there country Waiters/waitresses are given a decent hourly wage and they all flock to Florida for the winter.

Noone delivers to my house here LOL But in Florida if I ordered pizza Id give 2-3.. dollars. I never had any other food delivered.. If I wanted Chinese or Thai etc etc I dont tip. I call, order food they make it and put it in a container and I drive to pick it up.. To me that is not something I need to tip for. Noone is actually " waiting on me and refilling my coffee or soda"

Whoever thinks people need to increase there tip to 50% of the cost of the meal is ridiculousnes , Rich and more likely BOTH

With my mild depression i feel life is sort of like the difference between black-and-white TV and color. My goal was to eat healthy today and i made it, even had an apple. The day was long tho. Going to bed early because i can't tolerate anything, not TV, music or Scrabble. If i just lay there, whatever.

I’m having second thoughts about buying a house right now. If we did, we’d most likely not close until sometime after school starts. Unless we get one particular house we are looking at, my son will have to switch elementary schools again. I don’t want to do that to him during the school year. I honestly don’t want him to do that at all, considering he just switched schools last year. There is only one house in his particular school zone that is for sale. Plus, I talked to my landlord and if we leave, we will be responsible for this house’s rent until it gets rented out again. I’m sure it would be rented out quickly as it’s a nice house and we have made many improvements to the yard. But my stupid cat ripped up the carpet in a few places so it would need to be replaced. And he scratched the walls because he’s an a-hole so that would have to be fixed too. I don’t know how long that would take. So I just don’t know. We don’t want to wait but still...it might be better.

I’ve been struggling to come to terms with my relationship with my late husband. I honestly didn’t realize how messed up it was until I started dating RS and he was so good to me. He has never accused me of cheating on him, unlike my husband who did it several times. He has only gotten mad at me once, which was completely justified and he actually talked to me about it rather than just screaming at me and then giving me the silent treatment, leaving me begging him to just tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it.

I’m also struggling with what I should/could have done differently, especially after my husband admitted his addiction, went to detox, tried for a few months and then continued to do drugs right under my nose. I should have separated our accounts so he couldn’t continue to clean us out, and I should have had a backbone and refused to take him to the ER for pain pills and let him buy off the street when he claimed to be in extreme pain. I just didn’t want to get screamed at.

I dunno. I’m definitely glad to be going back to my regular therapist so I can work through all these thoughts.

I have been so fatigued since I got back from vacation. I don’t suspect COVID but something’s up. Some days I can barely write or drive. My daughter is pushing me to go to the doctor. What am I going to say? I’m very fatigued and oh yeah, my memory got real bad suddenly? I’ll go but I’ll feel foolish.

Happy Fourth! We’re getting BBQ and watching fireworks on TV. My daughter gave me her pile of fireworks including some lovely fountains to set off tonight. I will if I have the energy.

Much love to all.

i am so sorry, swimmer. Does pdoc know? I know you are on a bunch of stuff and am, too, but when I was in this situation and max lithium and Abilify would not manage it, 1500 of depakote totally crushed it. So, just a thought.

Hugs. Meditation does help me a bit, even though it is hard,

I'm going to find a new job at a different company, and I hope to quit my current one ASAP. I realized yesterday that I have been fed lies for many, many months and I am tired of that s***.

I applied to a few jobs yesterday, but obviously this virus makes things more difficult than they need to be. Still, I am hoping to at least hear back from a few and possibly do some virtual interviews. I am sick of being fed lies.

Anyway, doing alright otherwise. Just irritated and upset from the whole job thing, but I should have moved on from my job months ago.

Had a great day yesterday. Went out with my son to buy him a raft for the pool. I live in an apartment and my complex did open it for the summer. The only bad thing is it's only open when the rental office is open now. We spent a few hours down there and all my favorite neighbors came down. We had a great time.

Even though the rental office is closed, they are making a special effort to open our pool today. So I'll probably clean a bit, and then go swimming for a couple hours. Going to my parents for a cookout afterwards. Fireworks are cancelled, but I bet my dad bought some. Should still be fun.

I know I haven't posted in awhile. All in all doing pretty well. I'd say that even though 2020 has been crazy, I've been more stable than I've been the last 3-4 years. To the point where being bipolar doesn't cross my mind very often over the last couple months. I know it won't last, but I'm definitely trying to enjoy it while I can.

Thanks cyclist. I wasn't really sure of this in time to call the pdoc during office hours and she sort of doesn't have emergency hours. sometimes her jerk secretary makes me feel guilty for even calling during the week. I'm to call the ER if I'm having an emergency. I'm holding on here without her, so I'm just buckling thorough the dizziness and self-hatred.. It's bad though. My wife's informed of everything I'm going through, and I'm setting small goals today. Going to try to get dressed while they do the grocery shopping and my big goal is to try to grill for them. I just want them to enjoy today. i feel like i ruin enough of their days, they should at least have good holidays.

How do you meditate personally, bpcyclist? I need anything to try. Something to kill the minutes between. Anytips are welcome here from anyone.

hugs and thanks to all. and vibes to those who need it

Thanks cyclist. I wasn't really sure of this in time to call the pdoc during office hours and she sort of doesn't have emergency hours. sometimes her jerk secretary makes me feel guilty for even calling during the week. I'm to call the ER if I'm having an emergency. I'm holding on here without her, so I'm just buckling thorough the dizziness and self-hatred.. It's bad though. My wife's informed of everything I'm going through, and I'm setting small goals today. Going to try to get dressed while they do the grocery shopping and my big goal is to try to grill for them. I just want them to enjoy today. i feel like i ruin enough of their days, they should at least have good holidays.

How do you meditate personally, bpcyclist? I need anything to try. Something to kill the minutes between. Anytips are welcome here from anyone.

hugs and thanks to all. and vibes to those who need it

Can I add a meditation tip? This is a guided one, I find it easier than focusing on my breath etc. it’s good if you’re a visual person. Picture a tree overhanging a stream. As you watch in your minds eye, a leaf falls into the water and gently floats downstream. Every time you have a thought , positive or negative, attach it to a leaf and watch it float gently downstream. You don’t judge the thoughts just watch them float away....

I'm kinda tired right now. Hubby and I took a 4 plus mile walk earlier today, then I immediately starting cooking a hot lunch when we got home (a Moroccan shrimp dish). Then we went to a store to pick up a few things, after which hubby rested and I started cleaning the kitchen to prepare for cooking a nice dinner tonight. Hubby long since took his post walk shower. I'm more dead lounging on the bed with the fan on me now. I do need a shower, badly. I'll get up a little after posting this.

We aren't spending any time with others this July 4. Nor are we barbecuing anything. It's too hot and humid and Hubby doesn't want to. He's been suffering with bad back aches. Instead, I'll make a fancy French recipe - Magret de canard rhubarbe et gingembre (Duck breast with rhubarb compote and rhubarb honey ginger sauce). I've been trying to improve my culinary French. Though I learned words for different foods and meats in past studies, you don't learn terms and phrases like "Preheat the oven", "reserve cooking juices", "stir to smooth consistency", and things like that. I am already pretty good at understanding metric measurements. In fact, I've learned to prefer them over US measurements. Weighing ingredients provides far more accuracy for baking than fiddling around trying to carefully spoon stuff into measuring cups and level it for baking. Plus, using a scale tends to create fewer dishes, overall. I've even been converting some of my American baking recipes to metric measurements for that reason. Plus, if we move to Europe, most all recipes use metric. The only difficulty may be with some ingredients, like flours. Flours are not exactly the same throughout the world, or even within Europe. For example, some have different protein or gluten content, and coarseness. These differences can ultimately affect the success of a baked recipe. It's quite a science. The flour names are often different than in the US, some labeled with numeric codes, or coarseness labels.

Oui, je suis une cuisinière à la maison enthousiaste.

I have been so fatigued since I got back from vacation. I don’t suspect COVID but something’s up. Some days I can barely write or drive. My daughter is pushing me to go to the doctor. What am I going to say? I’m very fatigued and oh yeah, my memory got real bad suddenly? I’ll go but I’ll feel foolish.

Happy Fourth! We’re getting BBQ and watching fireworks on TV. My daughter gave me her pile of fireworks including some lovely fountains to set off tonight. I will if I have the energy.

Much love to all.

Today's worse than yesterday. I managed to grill burgers for us yesterday and eat outside. It was hell. Today my wife wants to go to Lowe's and it's my lawn mowing day. It's the day I do weekly to prove that I don't need to be hospitalized. Kind of a litmus test. Both of these things seem bigger than me. I think its one or the other. I'm oging to choose Lowe's and do the lawn tomorrow. My whole head is an exposed nerve.

All the same symptoms as yesterday. Thanks for the tips on meditation yesterday. Haven't successfully used them. Too much whirlydoos going on in there, but I'll keep trying.

My kids (m20, f16) don't understand whats going on and I don't have the wherewithall to teach them now and they are all so noisy now. Sounds, and air movements and everything is just too much.

thinking of you all. sending good vibes to all, and for some reason today I am particularly thinking of carhart. sending her vibes in IP

Today's worse than yesterday. I managed to grill burgers for us yesterday and eat outside. It was hell. Today my wife wants to go to Lowe's and it's my lawn mowing day. It's the day I do weekly to prove that I don't need to be hospitalized. Kind of a litmus test. Both of these things seem bigger than me. I think its one or the other. I'm oging to choose Lowe's and do the lawn tomorrow. My whole head is an exposed nerve.

All the same symptoms as yesterday. Thanks for the tips on meditation yesterday. Haven't successfully used them. Too much whirlydoos going on in there, but I'll keep trying.

My kids (m20, f16) don't understand whats going on and I don't have the wherewithall to teach them now and they are all so noisy now. Sounds, and air movements and everything is just too much.

thinking of you all. sending good vibes to all, and for some reason today I am particularly thinking of carhart. sending her vibes in IP

Today's worse than yesterday. I managed to grill burgers for us yesterday and eat outside. It was hell. Today my wife wants to go to Lowe's and it's my lawn mowing day. It's the day I do weekly to prove that I don't need to be hospitalized. Kind of a litmus test. Both of these things seem bigger than me. I think its one or the other. I'm oging to choose Lowe's and do the lawn tomorrow. My whole head is an exposed nerve.

All the same symptoms as yesterday. Thanks for the tips on meditation yesterday. Haven't successfully used them. Too much whirlydoos going on in there, but I'll keep trying.

My kids (m20, f16) don't understand whats going on and I don't have the wherewithall to teach them now and they are all so noisy now. Sounds, and air movements and everything is just too much.

thinking of you all. sending good vibes to all, and for some reason today I am particularly thinking of carhart. sending her vibes in IP