Bipolar check-in #47

I feel worse this evening compared to this morning. I feel so guilty about what I did during hypomania and have lots of regrets that are weighing me down.

I hope this depression goes away soon, but I am on a pretty low dose of Trileptal, and now that I look at my empty Rx bottle, I won't have enough to last me the full 2 weeks. I only have up until Wednesday filled up in my pill box. I think my pdoc made a bad miscalculation...

Now I have to talk to his useless "assistant," who is probably going to argue with me because that's all she ever does. I don't even start arguing. She just gets lit up and starts being accusatory about how I am "wrong," even when I said one time that he miscalculated how many Rexulti pills I needed... I hate her. I am also NOT in the mood to argue with anybody.

Thanks. I’m taking Lithium, Ziprasidone(Geodon), Ritalin, and Clonazepam. I’ve been on this combo for 16 months, except Ritalin was added three months ago. I was tapering off of Clonazepam after being on very high doses last year but due to withdrawals I have sat on the same dose for the last month. I’m mentally stable, just reached my limit of suffering. It has been decades long, with few real breaks. I’m safe for now due to my love of my nieces and nephews. I know how deeply losing me like that would affect them.

I must add that my current distress is related to a severe, chronic, and untreatable physical illness that I have. Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It leaves me mostly housebound with no life. It may or may not improve. This massive flare-up began five months ago and is getting no better.

Sorry, blue. Are you pretty sure you have been taking the right dosage and everything? If so, then screw that assistant beotch and demand what you need. I literally cannot WAIT until you have a real pdoc.

Know the Floyd song Comfortably Numb? I feel that way tonight. Not the words in the song, just the title. I hope everyone who is hurting tonight finds what they need.

I am so sorry, Wander. I know nothing about fibro or CFS. My heart goes out to you.

I am no pdoc, but I sure have had an s-load of resistant depression over many decades. I would be dead now were I not on an antidepressant. Is there a reason you are not? People seem to think it is impossible for any bp1 person to ever be on an AD without becoming manic. That is just not factually accurate.

Sending you love and support.

Thanks again. I’ve tried at least a dozen AD’s and they tend to send me into hypomania, or mania, then mixed. None made me stable and took away the depression for long. Ziprasidone is what took away my depression, mixed states, and psychosis. I haven’t been depressed since I began taking it. I don’t think I’m depressed now. That may sound odd considering the SI, but I can still enjoy things, have motivation, and keep good hygiene. The fact that I am prevented from doing what I’m motivated to do gets me down. I see my pdoc in a week so I will see what he has to say.

Oh, and I’ve been on mood stabilisers when trying the antidepressants.

Going to the ER. Gonna try to be honest but not get admitted.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, she's adding metformin to help combat the weight I've gained from psych meds. Hope I don't get any bad side effects. Anyway, my appointments with her and my therapist are going back to in-person next month, so I'm excited about that.

I'm having trouble keeping on top of cleaning my apartment. I'm just very disorganized all the time. I let things go. Then they get overwhelming. I wish my care manager would get in touch with me, I haven't heard from her in a few months, don't know what's up with that..

I've been procrastinating on a few things and today i finally made progress on them. Really pleased with myself! I'm glad to finally have a dentist appointment as two teeth have been bothering me since COVID-19 started. It's in two weeks still, but at least it is scheduled. I got some chores done today too. I also took a shower. Any day i take a shower is a good day!

Hugs to all who struggle!

I'm feeling....it's hard to describe. Like a disconnectedness... a kind of mourning feeling... just like I could cry and I don't entirely know why. And you know that feeling when things are weighing on you? That too, and it doesn't help. I added Abilify to my pill box for the week. It's the go-to PRN when I start to slide. It's not exactly depression (I don't think?) because I'm getting things done, but maybe it is(?) Adding the Abilify may well tell. Irritability is up too. Whatever this is, I don't like it.

Sigh.

Meanwhile, thinking of everyone here. Though not up to replying individually, still sending good thoughts to all who need them.

I am very proud of you, spikes, for taking care of yourself.

I managed to find and order toilet paper and paper towels! Now they just have to not turn out of stock after the order was placed. We aren't out but since we aren't going anywhere it's started to worry us. I remember standing in the toilet paper/paper towel/clorox wipes aisle the day before we started out own lockdown (about a week before the state) and saying we didn't need more, we had plenty. We weren't planning for this many months I guess. Wish I could turn back time to that moment.

At least we haven't run out of anything except I only have a few clorox wipes left, we have been able to get food without contaminating ourselves, and someday this will end.

feeling good.

showered today, did my hair, listened to a bit of music... I am looking forward to having mcdonalds this afternoon

Have you checked out Walmart.com? I got a 24 pack of toilet papers shipped to me a few weeks ago. I also got 12 rolls of paper towels. The brand for the toilet paper is Charmin (i.e., it wasn't a random, no-name brand), and the paper towels were Viva. Also, if you use Walmart.com, they seem to restock those items at least 1-2 times a week. Like right now, they have at least 15 toilet paper options available. They also have tons of sanitizing wipes available. (They must've restocked this morning because I bought some sanitizing wipes earlier.)

We lucked out and got toilet paper and paper towels from Costco last week and then when we went back shopping this week. We’re well stocked up now. I did order some toilet paper two weeks ago through Walmart’s curbside service and it was in stock which was unusual. I wish you good luck.

I’m running out of Clorox wipes as well. At least I’ve found hand sanitizer here and there.

I hope it goes well. Good job taking care of you.

I'm still heavily depressed. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm having a difficult time doing that.

I haven't even used my "old" bike since getting it back from the shop. I want to use it in the rain, but I really ought to see how it works in dry weather to make sure everything is ok. The problem is that I can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm just too depressed to go outside, even though I know I need fresh air. Maybe I will try to go out for a walk or something. I do have to take out trash, so I might just do that.

I at least have a therapist appt at 10am, so I'm going to try talking to her about this depression, but I don't know how she can even help me. I mean, I have to wait for my medication to kick in, and nothing is going to change between now and then.

I'm just feeling so awful that I'm taking today off from work. Meh... At least I'll have a 3-day weekend, if that's worth anything...

I hope you feel better soon and that the therapist helps you.

I’m outrunning the depression until 7 or 8 so that’s a big improvement. I feel positive and upbeat until then. I think I’ve been procrastinating on a few things that I’m having trouble facing and it hits me around that time. I’m working on facing those things.

I did go get that ice cream cone and bought begonias and put my feet it the pool (still too cold). I even bought a snazzy georgette pleated shirt with cut outs at the shoulders. I’m slowly getting into the summer groove. Next Saturday, I’m headed up to Gatlinburg for a week with my daughter. That cheers me up.

Saw my CPA Tuesday. Everything is good. What a relief!

Hugs and love to all.

Can you try to make some very small plans for yourself, and be forgiving if they are too much for you to complete? But maybe set the bar low? Maybe watch a tv show that has made you laugh in the past? Try to go for a smirk this time?

A small walk each day. From here to the corner? Time yourself?

Cook a small Iron Chef Dinner? Secret Ingredient: Microwave!

Ask for book recommendations from people here on something to read that will bring you positive thoughts with minimal effort. Low-hanging fruit that I go for is: The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. My Amazon copy got here in two days, despite quarantine. It has daily reflections upon oneself which are pretty positive. Some days the pages are too heavy to life for me. On those days, skip it!

I guess I'm saying, build yourself a little routine for this weekend and see what you can adhere to, bluebicycle? Having things to do makes it easier for me. Just my 2 cents.

Let me know if you run into questions while on metformin. I've taken it for diabetes in the past, and know it pretty well. Happy to answer any questions.

I’m still feeling pretty crappy today. I went to Walmart this morning to get the new pineapple Pepsi. I found it but when I was putting it in the fridge I was thinking about my therapist and the emails and I got very distracted and one of the cans fell and exploded all over the garage floor. So now the floor is sticky and I think the kitchen floor is a bit sticky too. There were only 8 cans in the box and I heard that the soda is going to be pretty hard to find this summer. But I’m just mostly down about what my therapist said. I know I’ve been using the emails as reassurance but I still feel depressed about it.

I'm having a mildly difficult time adjusting to the elimination of my small morning Seroquel XR dose. Yesterday my mood was elevated for the first time in a while. I even had trouble falling asleep, so I took an Ativan, since anxiety was involved. It worked well.

Hubby has been at the end of his rope with his job. He wonders if his neuropathy is worsening or if his blood pressure and cholesterol meds are making his hands and feet hurt. Some of his fingers are more numb than usual. I feel for him, and help him with his back pain by giving him arnica rubs, etc, but don't know what else to do. He's temporarily stopped the meds I mentioned. He's irritable. I don't know how to help relieve him in that respect, either, other than to tell him to take a lot of breaks during the day. I make him yummy meals and have been trying to keep the house neater and cleaner than usual, and keep my own moods in check.

I wish we lived in a country where the covid 19 wasn't so out of control. It's just horrible, and I believe the situation will worsen in many ways. So many states have case numbers heading up up up and yet there are so many people in denial about the urgency of the matter. Human nature, to a degree, frustration, another degree, and misinformation, very unfortunately.

Thanks Jennifer and Swimmingly.

I had my therapist appt this morning and it ended not too long ago. I didn't tell my therapist my 100% true feelings, but I did admit that I am heavily depressed and lacking motivation to do anything. In response to that, she gave me some suggestions that I'm going to try out to see if they help. I don't know how much they'll help, though, because I am VERY demotivated right now. But I am going to try not to sleep excessively. She told me that I may be making my depression worse by taking naps and sleeping 10-12 hours a night.

Well, that's about it. I'm still feeling sh_tty as hell, though. I'm sure I would've felt better if I was 100% honest with her, but I don't want to risk getting my @ss shipped to IP. I am taking no chances.

I hope your appointment goes well, blue.