Bipolar check-in #47

I feel very similar to this in terms of the drifiting thing on a lot of days. I know what you mean.

Trigger Warning - SI

Yesterday I saw my T and surprised myself by how suicidal I have become. My T and I agree that I am not depressed, or in any other kind of mental illness episode. My issues are existential. Being so crippled mentally and physically by an illness no one knows how to treat, and that may last the rest of my life is pushing me to the bring. The main issue is I feel so useless. I am forced to rely on others and be unable to give in return, or just for the sake of it. The only reason I continue to exist is because the impact ending my life would have on my loved ones, especially my nieces and nephews.

My T was so concerned he contacted me 2 hours after our session. I was with my ex-husband (who is still my best friend) and enjoying it so my T was satisfied I would be ok. I told him I am no longer afraid of death and would welcome an accidental death or terminal illness. I don't want to die. No, I want a life worth living. A life where I have the capacity to help others, and do things I love. Feeling trapped and controlled by an invisible illness is triggering my PTSD too. It makes me want to rebel and rage, but I don't have the energy and would only hurt myself more in the end. So I rack my foggy brain for ideas to give my life purpose. For things I can do with my very limited capacity. So far I have come up empty.

For now I am trying to live in the present moment and grab onto all the fleeting moments of joy I find. I also seek consolation in philosophy. Today and tomorrow I will rest as much as possible in hope that I am able to drive to see my sister and kids on Saturday. Staying in the present moment helps keep me calm. 'Now' is all any of us really have.

Definitely becoming manic. For many reasons, especially going on almost 72 hours with no sleep and still boundless energy. The sun is coming up again...I can see light creeping in and I haven’t been able to close my eyes even once. No, I didn’t take a prn but just because I’m flirting with fire. I’ve been VERY productive and creative these last few weeks and I don’t want to ruin it. I am going to text my t at a reasonable hour though just to let her know my mood is shifting. She will probably want to msg my pdoc. We will see what happens. I know I need to change my mindset but it’s really hard right now.

For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful wife to Steve. You Are very caring and understanding.

I hope Steve's infection will go away, whether he ends up in the hospital or not. You are a great advocate for him either way.

I agree that rapid fire questions will overwhelm him. My dementia grandma was the same way. In fact, sometimes these social workers rapid fire ON PURPOSE in order to discharge someone early. It is a really sh_tty thing to do, but we have had this experience with both of my grandmas.

If at all possible, ask if you can be on speaker phone or video chat when Steve has to sign something. I believe (but not 100% sure) you legally have the right to "be there" even if you aren't able to go in person, and it shouldn't matter whether you have a POA or not. You can ask him questions like, "do you understand this form you have to sign? Can you repeat what the form is asking?"

If, at the end of the day, he cannot explain what the form is for, then tell the social worker that s/he needs to explain again. If you yourself need to, you can tell him what the form is about and what he is signing for. If he still cannot understand, then tell the social worker that any signature he gives is legally invalid because he does not know what he is signing for. That forces them to find someone who can legally sign for him.

Sorry to hear that, Wander. I hope you feel better soon.

I agree that someone staying in the present moment can keep them calm. I try to do that myself.

Enjoy your time with your sister and her kids.

I think it's great you are going to tell your therapist about your elevated mood. I just came down from a 3-4 week hypomanic episode that I wasn't even aware of, and now I am depressed. I regret not speaking up about my reckless behaviors, so now I am facing the consequences.

Anyway, you should definitely say something to your pdoc, too, while you still have awareness. You don't want to potentially become psychotic and lose all insight because then you may get involuntarily committed. With COVID-19 going around, I think it is best to stay out of the hospital if you can avoid it.

Feeling horribly depressed, even worse than yesterday. I find that it's getting harder and harder to fake a positive mood.

I don't want to trigger anyone, so I am not going to state what thoughts go through my mind. I just feel hopeless.

I see my therapist tomorrow, but I am so depressed that I don't even know if I want to talk to her. However, realistically, I know I should talk to her to get help. It really sucks though.

I have been getting 10-12 hours of sleep a night. This depression is kicking my @ss.

Ugh. The new ulcer prevention drug is blocking my reg meds from working. Plus a listed side effect is insomnia.. I thought Tuesday night was a fluke and a one off that I didn't sleep. But last night was even worse. The paper the pharmacy gave me with it said that it can block other pills from working but I didn't take it seriously and throw the paper away. Gosh two nights of no sleep. I'm exhausted, coughing and weak. Oh I hate this. Tonight I'm not taking the med then the next night I'll take it two hours early before bed and see if the blocking effects wear of. Can't allow a med to get me insomnia

Do go see your T. Even if you sit there unable to say a word she'll see it for what it is and find a way to help. : hug:

Bluebicycle

Is there anything that helps you cope in times like these? Anything specific we can do to best support you?

I'm sorry you feel this way. Keep reminding yourself this episode will pass. Balance is out there for you to find again. Sending love and support your way.

Thank you Bluebicycle and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so depressed! I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better...you’re always such a big support to me.

And to everyone, I’m sorry I’m posting without sending much support, especially considering I haven’t consistently been around for a while.

I did text my t. She says I sound really manic just in my text when I explained to her what’s been happening. She too was worried about the hospital and scared me enough to call my pdoc, though I know my attitude seemed a little irresponsible so I was a little embarrassed to one, call and two, be honest. But I was. Anyway, waiting for her to call back and still trying to decide if I should talk to my husband who I have convinced (also myself until just lately) that my productivity does not=mania.

My heart broke reading this, Wander. i am so sorry you are struggling like this. I have certainly been there, many times.

Could I just quickly ask what your psych meds are at this point?I can't really remember, sorry. Also, have you made any changes lately?

Pleae do not give up, Wander. This will improve, it will pass at some point, but not if you throw in the towel. Sending you strength and love to you.

Be careful, cashart. You can do some serious, serious damage to yourself and your loved ones in about 60 seconds--take it from an expert.

You should call your pdoc--soon.

You should def talk to your t if you feel this way. Please keep that appt.

This will pass, blue, see if you can stay connected to that. It may take a few med shifts, possibly, but it will pass. See if you can try something distracting while you are awake. Mess with bike, watch a show or movie, get outside for 10 minutes, clean. Something other than nothing. In my opinion, any action is better than no action.

Sending you love and strength and peace.

Maybe there is another med option for the ulcer, Nammu?

Thank you! I know this is true. I took 2 klonapin over an hour ago but instead of tired I feel loopy and even higher. Waiting for my pdoc to call back. Should I take more of them in the meantime? I used to take up to 4 but I haven’t tak n any at all for a very long time so I’m unsure.

Welp. not very good sleep last night. Little draggy this morning. Was able to write a bit yesterday, so, that was good. Not quite as down during the day yesterday either, so, also a relief. Maybe I can string another decent day on top of that one.

Really basically have not been outside for a couple of weeks. Sure would be good for me to ride the bike, but, just have not felt like doing anything but sitting in my chair. Maybe that will return at some point for me.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. Seems like a lot of us are having some mood lability right now. I wonder if it is the month or something.

Hugs and love to everyone.

I am no pdoc, but maybe you should just wait for that call. Maybe not leave the house or buy anything or call or text or email anyone you are not really close to and who knows about your illness, just until you get this more on track.

Strength and support!!!!

Called my pdoc's today. The nurse got back to me and told me not to restart the fluoxetine and to wait until my appointment on Monday. To be honest, I don't know if I can wait that long. I ****ed up and got high today. I want to skip group, but they told me to check in today, but I just had an edible and don't particularly want to show up high as ****. Not that they can tell--it's over Zoom and there's a lot of people in the group.
At least I'm not crying in a ball on the floor anymore though. I was doing something that was supposed to be enjoyable earlier, but all I kept thinking was "I'm dead inside," and "when will all of this be over?" Why bother?

I am so sorry you ae struggling like this, spikes. I really, really think you need to call that pdoc back and tell them that you cannot wait. Please do that right now.

Strength and love.

I still feel crappy today but it seems to be more of a mood issue today. I met with my therapist and I took a couple Xanax and did a 15 minute guided meditation video before I saw her. My sessions haven’t been too good lately. Of course the second we started before I said anything she said there was still no definite date yet of when we could return to her office. So that put me in a slump. Literally in a slump. I was halfway lying on the floor the whole session because of how tired and exhausted I was just from life in general. I mentioned that I was worried that I was becoming too needy and clingy with her especially with the emails so she wants me to not email her as much. I wish I hadn’t told her that. Now I know for sure I can’t tell her some other things. I’m sure I’m just very anxious about returning to work on Tuesday.

But I got into an argument with my mom this morning that I still swear is her fault. And I’ve just been down and emotional for several days. Not to mention out of it physically.

There are 10 pages since the last time I checked this thread. I am reading but I don't think I'm up to replying to much at the moment. I still "has the dumb".

This is a late reply but I would not take more klonapin.

Christina, you sound so run down but you're keeping up and that is good! Sorry your brain won't stop- looping like that gets exhausting. I'm so glad you typed up his meds and history and included the note about allowing him time to process!

One of the stomach pills I'm supposed to take at bedtime nullified all my other meds. It did mention that on the paper but I ignored it. Spent the night wide awake. About 8-9 am to 2 sleeping pills and slept until my mother woke me up at 1pm. It made her nervous. not taking that med tonight. If I sleep fine guess I gotta call the doc and say nothing doing.