Bipolar check-in #47

Mania/Hypo drifted away right before I went to sleep last night. It was like a cloud lifting. I was near tears one minute hearing my wife describe what I seemed like to her. A desperate panicked person who just looked caged and ready for this to be over and ten minutes later I was talking more normally, and able to slow my thoughts down. I don't think I've been as vividly aware of that process as I was this time around.

I did take time with my wife to set up a mood tracker, I researched my medicines and wrote out what I want to say to my pdoc. I have concerns that I won't get an emergency appointment this week. They are only in the office two days a week. I am thinking and seeing clearly now that they are the wrong pdoc for me if I'm in crisis. Time to make some movies even with the crisis going on.

I see. That seems like a good plan, to me. I hope the rash quickly fades. I will say that you may be on to something that the heat could be a factor. I get all kinds of skin irritation from heat. I always joke that I'm meant to live in north Sweden or Finland. In any case, please do be careful about the rash.

When I started Tegretol XR, I was on a number of other bipolar medications, which did not include an antidepressant. I guess I now understand how my psychiatrist was able to start me on a lower dose than yours has. I remember my doc started me on only 100 or 200 mg. The pill was actually a chewable at 100 mg. I guess for children's use. Then I was slowly weaned upwards. I'll admit that I did experience some "new medication adjustment" side effects along the way, but they were not permanent. Now I take 1,200 mg and have for years. I even took up to 1,400 mg for a while. I appreciate my Tegretol XR very much, though I won't go into the long story why.

Like with some other bipolar medications, I read the following at the Mayo Clinic site about Tegretol :

"Some people who take carbamazepine may become more sensitive to sunlight than they are normally. Exposure to sunlight, even for brief periods of time, may cause skin rash, itching, redness or other discoloration of the skin, or a severe sunburn. When you begin taking this medicine:

• Stay out of direct sunlight, especially between the hours of 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM, if possible.
• Wear protective clothing, including a hat. Also, wear sunglasses.
• Apply a sun block product that has a sun protection factor (SPF) of at least 15. Some patients may require a product with a higher SPF number, especially if they have a fair complexion. If you have any questions about this, check with your doctor.
• Apply a sun block lipstick that has an SPF of at least 15 to protect your lips.
• Do not use a sunlamp or tanning bed or booth."

[/LIST]I don't think it's necessarily THAT bad for most, as this warning may seem, but still. I believe Seroquel has the same kind of warning. I have very fair skin (my husband calls me the "Vice President of a cement factory") so I do take precautions.

What makes you think it is the Tegretol and not something else? Have you been ill?

Cortizone 10 is cheap and pretty good for an OTC product.

I believe it is really important that we find someone(s) who will be there for us when we need them most, swimmer. Hope you can find that person...

Finally got to sleep at around 4 or so. Was having some weird visual stuff going on. Calm so far today. Pdoc tomorrow by video. I guess we may have to up the Trilafon a little, since I am still having a little bitty bit of this psychotic business around the edges occasionally, esp. when I am tired. Typical, over the years. Whatever the case, I wonder if I can get back to a place where I am sorta more stable, of if this kind of constant drip-drip-drip is the new real deal. Or what.

Gonna try to write today.

Hugs and love to all!!!! Hope everyone has a nice day.

Thank you. Surprisingly they made an appointment for me on Wednesday and said that they'll call me about the first cancellation that they get. Its better than nothing and I'm no longer in true crisis. I may have just felt I was in one.

I feel ok today. I slept through the night and then took a nap from 11:45-1:45. I guess that’s making up for this past weekend. But I haven’t taken any Xanax or visteral today. I feel fine mood and anxiety wise although I did have some brief anxiety this morning. I have to work tomorrow and I’m waiting on some white out so I can pull a BenDeLaCreme from Drag Race and white out my legal girl name and write down the name I switched to in November. I never told them I changed my name but I am going to go with the subliminal approach for right now.

I got my first installment of my inheritance today so now I can proudly say I am 100% debt free. Sure, no hard work of my own, but it is such a relief to not have my ridiculously high credit card/ loan payments anymore. Paying that $7000 surgery for my cat really set me back. I even paid off my car! Now I’ve got $400 less to pay every month. I will be able to make rent without scraping the bottom of the barrel every month.

The rest of the money is going into a growth investment portfolio managed by my Nana’s financial advisor because I know jack **** about investing. I have plans for that money eventually; buying a house, paying for our wedding, paying for my son’s orthodontics, etc.

RS and I were talking last night because we’ve been playing around looking at houses but I wanted to talk to him seriously about it. Like when, where, how much. We agreed that we’d like to wait a couple of years until my son’s ready to transition into middle school to avoid having to switch his elementary school for the third time. We are staying in the town we are in now because I don’t want to leave my mother. My brother is already effectively abandoning her by moving to the beach. I get it, he doesn’t have a good relationship with her. But I couldn’t imagine taking my son away from her. She would be devastated. I have a better relationship with her. We’re not like typical mother-daughter, like I don’t have long conversations with her or anything but we’re on good terms. I’d like to stay close by.

During our talk, I told RS I’d like to be engaged before seriously looking for a house. He let is slip that he had been planning to propose on our vacation (which was supposed to be this week) but coronavirus messed it up. He said he’s not giving up his plan b though. But I’m so happy. That means he really was thinking about it.

I’m going to have the life I only dreamed of with my late husband. Yes, we did get married, sure, but he took over most of the wedding and demanded many things (although I had to do all of the actual work). This time I’ll have more of a say. And RS and I will be homeowners, and my son will have a proper, drug free father figure. My credit isn’t wrecked and I’m not scraping up every penny and begging to borrow money simply because my partner for life is hiding his drug habit and using all of our money. This is what I dreamed about before my Late husband fell prey to drugs and I fell prey to uncontrolled bipolar.

It’s as if all the bad was leading up to this proper life. Me, stable, and RS, stable, both of us with stable jobs and saving money and ready to start our lives together. I don’t know if I ever could have gotten here with my late husband.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on, I’m just so thankful.

I'm so glad to read that the money brings you relief and that you have so many lovely things to look forward to, wildflowerchild! Thanks for sharing about these positive things.

P.S. I hope your kitty has fully healed by now.

Things are going OK for me, lately. I haven't done anything special. Tomorrow we have the dreaded Philadelphia eye appointment for my husband. We haven't been there for quite a while, since before the pandemic really started. We still plan to wait in the car instead of the waiting room. They will text hubby when he needs to come up. There are always a few waiting periods, as they do various tests and need results from them, even before his ophthalmologist (retina specialist) sees him. I'll take a walk around the area some of the time. Normally, I'd go to a cafe, but there are no cafes or restaurants with outdoor seating on that section of Walnut Street.

I finally called the hair salon for an appointment. Hair salons and barber shops opened today for the first time since the stay at home order, in my state. I had emailed them well over a week ago, but they never contacted me. I did secure an appointment, but not until over two weeks from now. Grays will be showing even more than they already are! The receptionist asked if I had colored my own hair during the pandemic. I haven't. I did say I trimmed my own bangs, and that I did OK. I was one of the lucky ones that went to the salon literally a couple days before they had to close.

So happy for you, WFC!!!

I am so over the moon happy for you :hug

Im glad you got an inheritance and you were able to clean out your debt and car payment, they say money doesnt make you happy , But getting overwhelming bills out of the way it a huge relief. Years back when I got my back pay for ssdi I was able to pay off bills and my car I felt like I was finally able to breath again.

You found a wonderful man and yes a good role model for your Son

Enjoy life and all that it can offer

@wildflowerchild25: So happy for you! It seems that everything is working out for the best.

Just a quick note to say that I'm happy to hear that things are going positively from such tougher times. You deserve good things!

Steve had his Pulmonary Specialist appt today. We are adding a couple other meds. We hope that these will be helpful and he can build himself back up... Hes been sick almost 10 weeks, so he is very worn down.

Oh my stress level is still stupid high. I dont imagine that decreasing much until I see big improvement in his health.

Hope everyone is having a good day

@BeyondtheRainbow

clozapine update:

turns out they ordered the wrong lab last week! Which was my worry. Got the right lab taken today.

Oh no! I had never heard of doing a serum level but assumed i the CBC with dif was included somehow.

I can't believe that happened to you. Especially when you questioned it at the time. One thing that is hard with clozapine is most providers don't have a lot of experience with it and can do silly things trying to do the right thing. I've never had anything bad happen; the worst was an NP in my family dr's office who seemed to think I'd gone behind her back to get labs when I told her that my white count was elevated while I was having an acute problem. I just knew my white count was up because my lab time came around at that point. I explained and I don't know if she really got it but oh well. Not my problem.

I hope your lab comes back fast this week.

Thank you for sharing this update. I am happy to see you finding joy. I am also happy that things will be a bit easier financially speaking. That can be a huge comfort.

They ordered a Differential and Total WBC Count

That's the right one!

I’ve maxed out on klonapin and tenazepam, my husband is at work, and I am terrified to be home alone. Terrified. I’m crying and panicked. I actually did talk to my mom before taking my last 2 klonapin and she said let’s give it a 1/2 hour and then she’s going to call me back. We’ll go from there. I’ve been trying to keep things as normal as possible. Fed the kids a la carte dinners and am getting them in the shower 1 at a time. I need a shower too and I’d really like to take one but mom told me I need to wait until the morning so it doesn’t wake me up too much.

Update since I started typing this. Mom says if I’m not better in 20 mins, she’ll come pick us up and we can stay at her house. That’s what will probably end up happening.

Hi, you probably don't know me from anyone, but I have to tell you that I've been reading your recent posts and even though you are terrified, I have to tell you that you are such a brave and wonderful person. Take a deep breath. I know you are struggling and that it feels bigger than you right now, but you are doing marvelous. Keep fighting and listening to your mom. You are doing so good.

Hang in there. Keep chatting us up!

I am so impressed with you, cashart!! You will get through this!!! Peace and calm your way!!!

I had a good day. I tidied up, showered, continued to improve my nutrition and comforted my neighbor whose dog is dying.

Hugs to all who struggle!