Bipolar check-in #47

Many call it depressakote. It had the opposite effect for me and it acted like a stimulant and gave me tachycardia. I get the same effect with Benadryl. Messing with my GABA production is bad news for me.

Wowzer, so weird. The more I read about these drugs, and I have done an awful lot of that over the years, the more I realize we do not know very much about them.

Had my pdoc appt not too long ago (7:15pm).

The original plan was to go off lamictal once we titrated up on Trileptal, but my pdoc was okay with me staying on both. (Lamictal really does help with agitation, even though it does nothing for my mood... positive or negative.)

I was too scared to go off lamictal because I knew I would become pissy as f***, based on previous experiences, so I pleaded (pled?) not to go off it -- at least for now, anyway.

My day was alright, but could've been better had I made more progress on my work.

I'm experiencing weird things. I was in deep depression late last week, and I'm coming back up from it. Not all the way there, and I don't know to where, but I would say that I hit what I experience as my previously recognizable low on Saturday, and today I'm almost back to my middle-area again. I have no idea what the heck is going on with me.

I had to call my pdoc today, because my hydroxyzine doesn't really take the anxiety edge off, and the xanax puts me down like a rhino tranq. So I'm waiting to hear back on potential alternatives.

Anyone else ever experience weird cycles like this?

Glad you seem on the way up now, swimmer.

Yeah, I am right now in a qualitatively identical situation, basically. Three days ago, I had a five-hour blip of nearly frank mania. High as a freaking kite with euphoria. Just insanely high. Nothing bad happened. But, dangerous for me, based on history.

Next day, spent maybe 6-8 hours or so beyond sad and hopeless. Just awful. Nearly tearful, which happens fewer than one time per year. Nothing happened to prcipitate this, No sad news, nothing bad. Just my brain. Finally, slept some, sleep has been off for a few days after being quite good for many days previously. So, after thar pretty good sleep, feeling euthymic most of today.

So, I am clearly all over the freaking map. No idea. No recent med shifts. Dunno. Dunno.

Thank you for sharing this with me. It helps to know that I'm not alone. I'm going to continue to carefully monitor mood and sleep. I think that's the key to staying on top of this for me. I can't believe how fast I blew through this depression. It was pretty much crippling for me, and unprovoked. No triggers brought it, just that mania ended. I'm hoping that I end up in a middle ground for a period of time. I'm still in depression sleep-mode, so it may not be the end of that just yet.

Thanks again, @bpcyclist! I appreciate your support even though you are in the middle of it too. Hang in there!

Good grief what a day. Steve's insurance wont cover Spiriva, So I called the Pulmonary office and asked them to get a Pre Auth.. According to his insurance even with a Pre Auth it will be at least 141.00 a month.... The is no Guarantee they will even accept the the pre Auth from the Doctor ... I have no idea how to afford that, We can drop TV and just live off basically dial up speed internet, as we have no other options. some how again cut into food budget? This is going to be more difficult now that Steve is diabetic.

I called the drug manufacturer and because he has Medicare they offer ZERO patience assistance. They gave me the number to a foundation that "might" be able to help. I completed there application. I need to call the Pulmo office again tomorrow and ask them if I need to hand carry it to them (1.5 hours north) Or can mail , they fill out there page and fax it in for me, also ask ( i'll beg ) If there is anyway they can give us one more sample because who knows how long this process will take.

The oral medication that works over time to hopefully stop or at least decrease the amount of COPD flares? they also offer no assistance since he is Medicare and the drug isnt on the list of meds that the foundation helps with.

Took my dogs out this Am and A nasty storm came through out of nowhere and My one dog is terrified of thunder storms and Lighting. So by the time it was safe for me to run out to get them he was frantic. Diarrhea and lots of vomiting , He spent all day in my lap, hes huge, Hes not dehydrated, very needy but was wagging his tail. Hes finally calmed and got off me.. Between Fibro and being mashed with him laying on me all day, I cant take a deep breath its just to painful.

I'm really struggling with one thing after another after another after another. The Spiriva is allowing him to breath a bit deeper and hes able to maintain 90-92 oxygen level on room air , at rest. So somehow we have to find a way for him to have it. He should not have to feel like hes sufficating all the time.

Helluva day. Glad the doggie is better and Steve is breathing well.

Have you gone over all the coupons available for Spriva? There appear to be quite a few out there. Just thought I would check.

It was my dog's big day: her haircut. It went very well. She's all sleek and smooth for the Summer. I didn't sleep well and missed my afternoon doze so i felt fuzzy and tired. This evening i was fine tho. Scrabble went well. I averaged 32 points-per-turn one game which is right up there with the Experts! I got CARMINE for 91. I liked that. A vivid shade of red.

I thought about how i mostly want to be left alone. I am getting what i want!

Doggie picture?

I hate today.

for some reason, it feels like new year's eve (even though it's only july)

guess I am too focussed on what little I have done over the past few months- like every year around new year's eve, I'm feeling bad about they ear just gone

half the year gone and I've nothing to show for it. it's just not getting better...

I hear you! I was thinking the same just yesterday morning.

I take solace in the fact that every single day is a new day and I can make a new start if I really want to do so.

It's interesting you've mentioned New Years Eve because that's just hours from the start of a New Year, which often ushers us into "new beginnings," at least initially.

And so, if you are feeling like this is New Years Eve, then the spirit of a New Year is just hours away! You have a few hours to get your New Years plans/strategies together. Me, too!

Try not to judge yourself, vortex. It is actually, has actually been shown, to be damaging to the brain. You have a major-league illness. You cannot compare what you achieve today with what you could achieve before you were sick. That is totally unfair to you. We eo nto expect a person who had their aortic valve replaced to run the same marathon time they did before their valve went bad, do we? Of course not.

Do you feel your illness is being optimally treated right now?

I hope you feel better today, WC!!!!

Worst sleep ever last night. Total jokeski. Actually, had I been thinking about it, I should have just gotten up and gotten something done, like clean the bathroom. Maybe today... Sleep is a constantly moving target for me, so, I do not ever get upset about this anymore. It's no problemo. I sleep whever I am sleepy enough. The end. Why would I freak about something I cannot control?

Got 26 pages edited yesterday. So thankful. It is finally coming together. I feel like I am on the right track, overall, with the way I am unfolding the stories and the information. Interestingly, I emailed the woman who ran the supervisory program for all patients not in the hosptial who have asserted the insanity defense here. Had some questions for her. She initially told me to call her, which I have done, a couple of times. She now refuses to reply after multiple attempts. I wonder if she does nto want to talk wiht me because she knows shd did some things very, very wrong. I will simply communicate that she did not reply in the manuscript. She was fired from that job for verbally abuisng her staff. She is not liked. Quite the opposite. Her job now? Inspector General of the Portland Police Bureau. Perfect for her. She'll fit right in. She hates mentally ill people, too. Always did.

Turned on the TV while making my coffee first thing. The new Lincoln Project ad was on. It has a US Army Veteran, a a very impressive and tough-looking Republican gun owner, voicing his disgust with our president over this Russia bountygate thing. I must say, I found myself quickly overcome with anger. Actually, almost rage. Suddenly. I had thoughts about my president that are, well, that I am embarrassed to have had, so negative and, uh, well, just negative, shall we say, were they. Kinda ashamed of myself for havign those feelings. Not happy that I have that inside me. I do not like it at all. Sorta upset about that. But it just happened and I couldn't help it. I calmed down fast, though, so..

It is a reminder that I really have to be careful as the election ramps up. I cannot really watch much of thsi stuff, as I do become angry sometimes. So, gotta watch this now a bit more closely.

Love and hugs to all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was supposed to be the sixth attempt at getting me in for a routine gynecological exam and ultrasound. It was scheduled so early that I couldn't call there with a question from home. Doing so would've potentially made me late. So, I drove to the joint and called from their parking lot. Today, as luck would have it, I got my period. I assumed at least one of the two tests would not be able to be done, given this fact. Turned out neither could be done. I'm glad I didn't bother trying to go into the office building, as they have various checks and a questionnaire (related to covid 19) before you can even enter. So I asked that they at least mail me a mammogram script. Getting a mammogram should hopefully be no problem. They did give me a 7th attempt appointment two weeks from now. We'll see if that happens. If not, I'll simply skip a gynecological exam for 2020. That's a shame, because a month and two months back I had had some odd things going on with my period. I did have a most unsatisfying video appointment with the gynecologist that did nothing. Since then, my period is more normal. Again, if they cancel July 15, I'll just skip it all until 2021, when hopefully the pandemic will have eased.

Well, you know what they say--the 7th time is usually the charm.

I don’t feel good again today. My anxiety is bad. I swear I have a deviated septum though. Just based on how my breathing and throat and nose have been feeling lately. But I think it’s mostly just been the lack of sleep, and then the large quantities of caffeine I’ve been drinking to help me stay awake. Then all the benzos I’ve been taking to deal with the caffeine anxiety. Plus also the lack of calories and proper nutrients isn’t helping either.

I think first I need to fix my sleep. And be honest with my therapist.

And the fun continues....I’ve misplaced my Geodon which helps me sleep. Hopefully, I can get it replaced today or tomorrow. I left the house in good shape and came back to a mess and it will be me cleaning it up. I’m not often in a bad mood but when I am...Katie bar the doors. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel somewhat better now.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

If I drink more than 1 1/2 cups of coffee a day, my anxiety shoots right up, so...

Any ENT can diagnose the septum thing, but the only fix is surgery, as I am sure you know.

Very interesting study being released I think today showing that sleep difficult in infancy predicts for psychosis and borderline personality disorder in, like, teenageish years or something like that. So interesting, since we have so much sleep trouble with our bipoar issues.

I’m back on drinking energy drinks because of studying.

Last time I was addicted to drinking energy drinks was about six years ago was when I was depressed and starving myself and replacing meals with zero calorie energy drinks.

Not a good day. Had a team meeting on Zoom, and my supervisor called me out several times in front of the whole group, when this could have been dealt with privately. It was humiliating, rude, insensitive. I am already sensitive when it comes to wanting to do a good job. My anxiety and anger went through the roof, so I had to take my PRN medication. It made it hard to focus on my work after that. I was really disconnected and still feel that way. I feel like eating comfort food tonight, which isn't the healthiest choice, but I think it will make me feel better.

I am sorry, Raven, I hate when that happens. Can you tell the boss how you feel?

I made my husband a custard filled 14"x 4" rectangular fruit tart. Photo attached. The crust is fairly low carb made with almond flour. The custard is a typical egg yolk/milk based custard flavored with vanilla and almond extracts. For the fruit, I used strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, kiwis, pineapple bits, papaya chunks, and mango chunks. I did eventually brush on an apricot jelly glaze and then re-topped it with my fresh mint. My serving platter is too short for it. I just bought myself a longer one on Amazon.

If people like fruit tarts, I have three different recipes that have worked out well for me. The one I described above, another one (14" x 4" rectangle) with a vanilla wafer type crust with a light cheesecake filling, and an even bigger tart (9 3/4" round) that has a slightly different almond flour based crust, but a low carb yogurt and cream cheese custard-like filling.

My husband is a major league fruit tart fan. They are so easy to make if you own a fruit tart pan.