Bipolar check-in #48

Stress and a lack of sleep sets me up for depression. Thos is happening to me right now. I need to be more mindful of my actions that creates sstress for me. I shouldÂ’ve known better. So right now I cannot focus well and I have low energy. I am also having negative thoughts which is contributing to my stress. I wonder what coping skills I can use for this?

I had my Pdoc appt yesterday, he always reads the notes from my T session and after our hello's He said YOU are going on a sleeping pill. Hows Ambien? Fine with me so 10mg QHS , I did get about 8 hours last night, its not a natural sleep but its needed right now.

I have my phone session with my Richard T tomorrow, much needed.

I think Steve "might" be perking up a bit, I dont want to jinx anything of course. The medication ( Incrusa Ellipta inhaler) on top of Symbicort that his damn insurance basically forces us on instead of Spirva that the Doctor wanted. I asked the pharmacist how the new inhale compared to Spiriva, He said they are basically the same.. So we hope it works.

Hugs to anyone that needs one

Congrats on the sleep (even if it's not natural)!

I also hope that Steve's medication combo works well.

I texted my brother again to tell him that our grandma really needs support. He actually got back to me. They are putting their house on the market. I didn’t ask where they are moving but I guarantee it’s near his wife’s mom. Which is near the shore, which is an hour away. I knew they were going to do that as soon as I knew about the inheritance. So it’s complete. I will probably only see him once a year, if that. So much for loving me. He has completely cut off this side of the family. It will be like our dad’s family did to us when my dad died. My son will never know his cousin through anything but FaceTime.

I’m just glad I have RS now. I at least have some support. And I can support my mom and grandparents. I just have to let him go. It hurts, though.

9 hours sleep. Could have done more, but Albert licks my cheek when he wants me, so...

Being so blue last night really scared me. I hope I don't descend into the abyss again. I have danced with the monster before. It is terrifying.

Feel okay so far. I can hope. Will edit. See if I can get out for a bit.

Tucson, have you ever used CBT for these negative thoughts? It helps me because often, these thoughts are not entirely rational. Might check it out.

Christina--so glad u slept and that Steve is looking up. You deserve some good news.

Hugs and love to all.

Vote in November!!!!!!!!

Thaks, whatever. I hope u have a great day!!!!

Hugs, wfc. Lots of hugs.

wildflowerchild

Mum signed us up for meals from the senior center. The sheriff delivered them. Pretty good. They delivered enough food for three days. Had some kind of a pasta with peas and chicken and the most delicious orange. Mum doesn't like oranges so I'll have the other one tomorrow. Mum gets the apples. And the bread, I don't like bread. But it's nice having ready to eat meals. Usually I just make supper and all day is us fending for ourselves. Mum eats lots of cereal but I don't. I don't do breakfast. Really nice. Have more of the pasta and a chicken nugget lunch for tomorrow and Friday. This will really help lower the food costs for the month. I'm very grateful for the organization that provides this!

Didn't sleep all night aching so badly, finally fell asleep at 9a.m. When I awoke there was a message from my surgeon's office telling me that they've changed my appointment to have my cast removed from today until tomorrow.

I feel smashed. My entire body is aching from the cast, it needs to come off, I need a life. I have not left my apt. for a month, except for one hour to get a hair cut. I'm feeling terribly discouraged at this moment.

I asked if I go to the ER, will they remove the cast? No, don't go to the ER because of covid. I take covid very seriously. I do wonder, though, how many people are suffering and dying because they're afraid to go to the ER?

Teletherapy in 1/2 hour. Maybe it'll help my crappy state of mind.
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So my internet wouldn't connect for some damned reason. No therapy session.

My crappy state of mind is crappier. But I am really trying to use some CBT tools so this day has some productivity to it.

And I ordered an ice cream sundae to be delivered to my door

My moods and anxiety but mostly my anxiety have been through the roof today. Also I’ve for some reason been really exhausted physically even though I’ve been sleeping through the night these past several nights. I took about an hour nap this morning around 9 and then I went to lie down this afternoon around 1 and fell asleep for over an hour. Now I can barely keep my eyes open. 2 naps in one day is unusual for me but not unheard of. I wish I could get out of this funk and it doesn’t even seem virus related. These severe feelings started Monday afternoon.

I have decided to start journaling. My therapist recommended it. I used to journal all the time from 14-19. Never went anywhere without my notebook. I stopped and never started again. But I feel it’s imperative now. I have too much to work out in my mind. My toxic relationship with my late husband, the crushing guilt of how I ruined my brother’s life with my antics, the fact that when I looked up co dependency in relation to my brother and his wife I realized holy **** that’s actually me...aye. I won’t have my therapist at my beck and call every moment of every day, and RS shouldn’t be required to be my therapist either.

My world is crashing down around me more and more every day as I uncover more truths about the past that I willingly stuck my head in the sand over and refused to see. I need to come to terms with them. I am very confused and overwhelmed.

I thought I was over my trauma from childhood but I am uncovering trauma from the years afterward that I absolutely did not see coming.

I forgot I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. (Just a yearly checkup.) Good thing I got a reminder call because you can bet your @ss that I cancelled that s*** fast.

The lady on the phone gave me a really hard time about it and came up with a whole bunch of stupid s*** about why I "should" to go, but if they think I am going to go to the doctors for a yearly checkup with the high number of cases here, then they're out of their f***ing minds. I will only go to a hospital or doctors office if I genuinely need something. I am not going for a "yearly checkup." F*** no. Plus, their office is across the street from the hospital. No way. Nope. Not going. I only go if I am desperate, and I am definitely not desperate.

If my doctor will not prescribe my Lipitor, then I will ask my pdoc to do it and tell him that my doctor is being a PITA who only cares about my money, not about me getting infected. I am sure he will help me out in some way. Or I will find a way.

Anyway, I made a ton of progress again at work! I am happy! Yay! Someone else today got stuck with the people I am managing!! F*** yeah! Let's hope they bother someone else tomorrow too.

My depression, horrible anxiety and wishing I wasn't on this ****ing planet IS partly LINKED to that ********. Yes I am human.

Sending you vibes, my human friend. as good ones as I can muster.

Thanks swimmingly, I'm sending you good vibes too

The fog is lifting here. I'm feeling the mania aspect lifting, my head is less, I don't know how to describe it... foggy and cloudy, more coherent. I'm still a little spinny. So I don't think I'm 100% out yet. It doesn't feel like last time (a week and a half ago).

Anyway, I'm worried about the next few days and what will be next. I'm still very noise sensitive at home, but its better.

I have a weight loss surgery psych consult tomorrow where I have to pretend that I'm pretty average. It's a video call. They already know I'm bipolar, but they just found out that I was hospitalized in March. So now I have to answer to that while dealing with mania. Should be a good show. I'm selling tickets if anyone's interested.

Doing ok. A bit on the low side.

My Seroquel (immediate release) was increased by 12.5mg (half a tablet) per day and my weight has gone up by 2kg/4lbs. Discouraged. Too bad it works so well in managing my bipolar and somewhat against my anxiety. My anxiety is bad but even worse without the immediate release Seroquel. I’m considering the option of a gastric sleeve. I’m only 5 foot 2 and just can’t get any fatter.

I’ve decided to give therapy one last final shot. I made an appointment with a new psychologist for 30th July. My last therapist got bogged down in my ‘anxious childhood’ and gave me no tools for managing my anxiety in the present. I ended up more anxious than ever and stopped seeing her. The one prior to that ‘fired’ me because I was ‘too well’. I really hope this new psychologist works out. Surely that’s not too much to ask for?? I don’t think I could handle another dud.

Sorry Christina to read that Steve isn’t well. Thinking of you.

Hugs to those who need them.

Nice to hear from you

I had a T who got bogged down in my horrible childhood and gave me no tools for managing my anxiety in the present. I was never fired for being ''too well''. I was told I was ''too unwell''.. nice There are far too many duds. Shoot me for telling the truth Especially in this country. way too many duds who are not even kind. imho,

hugs


I hope your new psychologist is a good one

Thanks Fuzzybear