Bipolar check-in #48

I made it through my root canal revision. 3 hours straight, nearly all of it was digging trying to get the things the first dentist put in the roots out. But they succeeded. I may still need oral surgery although I'm unclear on why (I was kind of out of it by the end when we talked about it).

I fell asleep when I got home (I was up a lot last night anxious about this) and so I'm expecting a late night tonight.

I have a cat peeing on my laundry and I'm not sure why. One has been not himself for a while but has improved in the last few days except for the peeing. To make it worse my washer is only washing small loads because it is off balance and I don't know how to fix that. I see research on that in my future.

I feel really stressed tonight. It may be from the numbing injections; I sometimes don't react well to those. Or who knows? I just need to get settled down and sleep.

So glad this is over.

I am so sorry, Yellow. I hope u feel better soon.

I am so sad and blue tonight. I know I am low on sleep, but really struggling. Try to find something cheery on TV. I am trying.

@bpcyclist: Hope you got some sleep. It sounds like you're thinking about some pretty heavy stuff at 3:00am. Remember how in "Infinite Jest" Hal helps Mario get to sleep by telling him to think "fuzzy thoughts"? My depression was a five yesterday, a one today, by the way.

@BethRags: Grats on your Big Day tomorrow! I'm sure it will feel great to be rid of the heavy plaster cast.

In my news, i'm in much better shape today than yesterday. I chatted with my neighbor again. I see her in the evenings when we take our dogs out. We sit in the courtyard under sheltering trees. I was so moved and comforted that she asked how things were re the issue i brought up yesterday about being so unhappy with Scrabble. It meant so much to me that she remembered my problem and followed up on it. I feel that she really cares! It was a great moment. Then we chatted about old TV shows. I really feel a lot healthier for getting some positive social contact. It's done me a world of good!

I felt so good i even took a shower, my second in two days, best i've done in months. I ordered groceries today and feel good about having a stocked kitchen. My meds came on time for the first time ever but they forgot one thing. Can't win 'em all!

@bpcyclist: Ack! We cross-posted. Sorry to hear you're feeling down and glad you are trying to find something cheery to focus on. We are of the same mind on that one!

Haven't walked in days. Its just too hot out during the day. I havent been sleeping well so when my alarm goes off at 6 to walk I fall back asleep and when I wake up its too hot to walk. I hope to get out of bed and splash my face with cold water tomorrow morning.

I finally have some good news. N3 got into community college! He starts this Fall. He's taking some freshman basics including calculus which he taught himself while in high school. I hope he does well - that he enjoys himself. I dont know if all the classes are online or not. I forgot to ask.

That's great Moose!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 ... @BethRags: Grats on your Big Day tomorrow! I'm sure it will feel great to be rid of the heavy plaster cast. ...

How kind of you, thanks!

It's wonderful to hear that you had such a good visit with your neighbor. It sounds really fun.

Stress and a lack of sleep sets me up for depression. This is happening to me right now. I need to be more mindful of my actions that creates stress for me. I should of known better. So right now I cannot focus well and I have low energy. I am also am having negative thoughts, which is contributing to my stress. I wonder what coping skills that I can use for this?

Stress and a lack of sleep sets me up for depression. Thos is happening to me right now. I need to be more mindful of my actions that creates sstress for me. I shouldÂ’ve known better. So right now I cannot focus well and I have low energy. I am also having negative thoughts which is contributing to my stress. I wonder what coping skills I can use for this?

I had my Pdoc appt yesterday, he always reads the notes from my T session and after our hello's He said YOU are going on a sleeping pill. Hows Ambien? Fine with me so 10mg QHS , I did get about 8 hours last night, its not a natural sleep but its needed right now.

I have my phone session with my Richard T tomorrow, much needed.

I think Steve "might" be perking up a bit, I dont want to jinx anything of course. The medication ( Incrusa Ellipta inhaler) on top of Symbicort that his damn insurance basically forces us on instead of Spirva that the Doctor wanted. I asked the pharmacist how the new inhale compared to Spiriva, He said they are basically the same.. So we hope it works.

Hugs to anyone that needs one

Congrats on the sleep (even if it's not natural)!

I also hope that Steve's medication combo works well.

I texted my brother again to tell him that our grandma really needs support. He actually got back to me. They are putting their house on the market. I didn’t ask where they are moving but I guarantee it’s near his wife’s mom. Which is near the shore, which is an hour away. I knew they were going to do that as soon as I knew about the inheritance. So it’s complete. I will probably only see him once a year, if that. So much for loving me. He has completely cut off this side of the family. It will be like our dad’s family did to us when my dad died. My son will never know his cousin through anything but FaceTime.

I’m just glad I have RS now. I at least have some support. And I can support my mom and grandparents. I just have to let him go. It hurts, though.

9 hours sleep. Could have done more, but Albert licks my cheek when he wants me, so...

Being so blue last night really scared me. I hope I don't descend into the abyss again. I have danced with the monster before. It is terrifying.

Feel okay so far. I can hope. Will edit. See if I can get out for a bit.

Tucson, have you ever used CBT for these negative thoughts? It helps me because often, these thoughts are not entirely rational. Might check it out.

Christina--so glad u slept and that Steve is looking up. You deserve some good news.

Hugs and love to all.

Vote in November!!!!!!!!

Thaks, whatever. I hope u have a great day!!!!

Hugs, wfc. Lots of hugs.

wildflowerchild

Mum signed us up for meals from the senior center. The sheriff delivered them. Pretty good. They delivered enough food for three days. Had some kind of a pasta with peas and chicken and the most delicious orange. Mum doesn't like oranges so I'll have the other one tomorrow. Mum gets the apples. And the bread, I don't like bread. But it's nice having ready to eat meals. Usually I just make supper and all day is us fending for ourselves. Mum eats lots of cereal but I don't. I don't do breakfast. Really nice. Have more of the pasta and a chicken nugget lunch for tomorrow and Friday. This will really help lower the food costs for the month. I'm very grateful for the organization that provides this!

Didn't sleep all night aching so badly, finally fell asleep at 9a.m. When I awoke there was a message from my surgeon's office telling me that they've changed my appointment to have my cast removed from today until tomorrow.

I feel smashed. My entire body is aching from the cast, it needs to come off, I need a life. I have not left my apt. for a month, except for one hour to get a hair cut. I'm feeling terribly discouraged at this moment.

I asked if I go to the ER, will they remove the cast? No, don't go to the ER because of covid. I take covid very seriously. I do wonder, though, how many people are suffering and dying because they're afraid to go to the ER?

Teletherapy in 1/2 hour. Maybe it'll help my crappy state of mind.
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So my internet wouldn't connect for some damned reason. No therapy session.

My crappy state of mind is crappier. But I am really trying to use some CBT tools so this day has some productivity to it.

And I ordered an ice cream sundae to be delivered to my door

My moods and anxiety but mostly my anxiety have been through the roof today. Also I’ve for some reason been really exhausted physically even though I’ve been sleeping through the night these past several nights. I took about an hour nap this morning around 9 and then I went to lie down this afternoon around 1 and fell asleep for over an hour. Now I can barely keep my eyes open. 2 naps in one day is unusual for me but not unheard of. I wish I could get out of this funk and it doesn’t even seem virus related. These severe feelings started Monday afternoon.

I have decided to start journaling. My therapist recommended it. I used to journal all the time from 14-19. Never went anywhere without my notebook. I stopped and never started again. But I feel it’s imperative now. I have too much to work out in my mind. My toxic relationship with my late husband, the crushing guilt of how I ruined my brother’s life with my antics, the fact that when I looked up co dependency in relation to my brother and his wife I realized holy **** that’s actually me...aye. I won’t have my therapist at my beck and call every moment of every day, and RS shouldn’t be required to be my therapist either.

My world is crashing down around me more and more every day as I uncover more truths about the past that I willingly stuck my head in the sand over and refused to see. I need to come to terms with them. I am very confused and overwhelmed.

I thought I was over my trauma from childhood but I am uncovering trauma from the years afterward that I absolutely did not see coming.

I forgot I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. (Just a yearly checkup.) Good thing I got a reminder call because you can bet your @ss that I cancelled that s*** fast.

The lady on the phone gave me a really hard time about it and came up with a whole bunch of stupid s*** about why I "should" to go, but if they think I am going to go to the doctors for a yearly checkup with the high number of cases here, then they're out of their f***ing minds. I will only go to a hospital or doctors office if I genuinely need something. I am not going for a "yearly checkup." F*** no. Plus, their office is across the street from the hospital. No way. Nope. Not going. I only go if I am desperate, and I am definitely not desperate.

If my doctor will not prescribe my Lipitor, then I will ask my pdoc to do it and tell him that my doctor is being a PITA who only cares about my money, not about me getting infected. I am sure he will help me out in some way. Or I will find a way.

Anyway, I made a ton of progress again at work! I am happy! Yay! Someone else today got stuck with the people I am managing!! F*** yeah! Let's hope they bother someone else tomorrow too.

My depression, horrible anxiety and wishing I wasn't on this ****ing planet IS partly LINKED to that ********. Yes I am human.

Sending you vibes, my human friend. as good ones as I can muster.