Bipolar check-in #48

Haven't been sleeping nearly as much as I usually do the past few days and racing thoughts are a thing but it's not bothering me I really like feeling sped up. I've been dissociating more too. Starting to think going back to work/getting off disability was a bad idea. At least the job only lasts a few months. I'm kinda dreading going in today because I work in the sun and it's supposed to be 99 degrees today and I have a sore throat and I do a lot of yelling and again I'm pretty sure my coworkers either hate me or are scared of me. Either way they're being assholes to me. But at least I've got music! I can feel it in my soul!

Edit: Just put in my two weeks. It was kinda impulsive but I don't regret it. I'll find something better. I'll MAKE something better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow This grief thing is hard. ...

I am so, so sorry, Rainbow

Yeah, exactly what Christina said. It's sucky.

I live in a very densely populated area, so getting meds is very much a hit or miss thing for me. A lot of the time, the pharmacy runs out of the Ritalin doses that I get prescribed, but sometimes they have it. I have waited in line in the store (pre coronavirus) and I've heard other people getting the same Ritalin Rx as me, and also Zoloft (which I am also Rx'ed). I also think there are a lot of other people with bipolar and seizures here. Lamictal is another one that's out of stock 50% of the time, and when I was on Abilify, Latuda, or Seroquel, they were out of stock 50% of the time too. Don't know why they don't order more of these meds, but that's just how it has been.

The three Walgreens, two CVS's, and two Rite-Aids all have the same problem here, so switching pharmacies won't do me any good. I basically have to suck it up.

@BeyondtheRainbow: I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. Pets are very much family, and they love us unconditionally. It is extremely difficult to lose *anyone* you love, but even more so when they have loved us unconditionally.

I'm also sorry to hear about you soon losing a person you love. That's just really difficult, especially after the loss of your fur baby and the whole plague thing going on.

Please take good care of yourself, and whenever Charlie crosses your mind, try your best to divert those thoughts to the good times you've had with him. Even though I know pets can't speak, I'm sure if they could, Charlie would want you to remember the good times you had with him.

Super pooped this morning. Need a nap, but kinda hard with you-know-who around.

Hugs and love to all!!

Been a pretty emotional day and it’s not even noon. I have to work later— let’s hope I feel better soon:.

I was watching these scary shows called Beyond Belief Fact Or Fiction and Unsolved Mysteries all day yesterday. I did fine during the day but they deeply affected me at night and I didn’t get to sleep until 2AM. I was literally sitting upright in bed eating Harvest Snap Peas scared out of my mind by every little sound in my house. I finally fell asleep after using some mindfulness only to have a night terror an hour later. I am trying to watch those shows again this morning. My goofy version of exposure therapy. Although I don’t think that’s how that works and I should probably just stop watching them. Which really sucks because I really enjoyed them yesterday and they kept my mind distracted all day. Today I’m tired and on edge on from lack of sleep and caffeine.

LOL!!!!! I read your first sentence and thought, wow, that's a bold declaration! Rather TMI, but, well, good for the 'ol digestion, right?

The second sentence cleared it up.

Hope you feel more woken up or get a nap (yeah right, right? )

Bike shop is booked out 6 weeks. Guess some businesses are actually thriving during The Plague.

Sunday at 4:30 p.m. Blah.

I’ve been mixing medications all day. Benzos with visteral, high doses of melatonin with antibiotics. How do you admit to people you have a legit issue? I told my therapist I have secrets. One is that I am very attracted to her. There’s no way I can tell her that. The second one is that I have an issue with medications and am addicted to Xanax. My doctor prescribed me the Xanax almost 2 years ago and in 2 years I only went one day without taking one and I got sick physically and felt like crap mentally. No one knows how bad this is. Not my family or my team.

I took 15 milligrams of melatonin so I could sleep. Now I feel super lethargic and also super agitated as well. I forgot I had a lot of antibiotics in my system. Not good. I feel like throwing up.

I wish I had some magical words that would help right now, but I don't.. Allow yourself to grieve the loss. I am glad that you had something to work on that will mean so much to your niece.. A loving distraction.

Be kind to yourself I'm here if you need me

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I’ve been mixing medications all day. Benzos with visteral, high doses of melatonin with antibiotics. How do you admit to people you have a legit issue? Can you explain why you mix the meds? Is it intentional? I told my therapist I have secrets. One is that I am very attracted to her. There’s no way I can tell her that. You know, it's not at all unusual for a client to be attracted to their therapist. The second one is that I have an issue with medications and am addicted to Xanax. My doctor prescribed me the Xanax almost 2 years ago and in 2 years I only went one day without taking one and I got sick physically and felt like crap mentally. No one knows how bad this is. Not my family or my team. Do you mean addicted as in you don't want to stop taking Xanax? Or do you mean that your physically addicted to it? I definitely want to stop taking Klonopin, but I get very ill if I miss even 1 dose. Coming off of it is going to take a very specific plan. I took 15 milligrams of melatonin so I could sleep. Now I feel super lethargic and also super agitated as well. I forgot I had a lot of antibiotics in my system. Not good. I feel like throwing up. I think the suggested max dose for melatonin is 10mgs., but I know people who take more.

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Hi everyone. I haven't been checking in here for a while as I have been too exhausted battling a bad cold that worsened my Fibromyalgia/CFS. My energy levels are improving now, and pain levels down so I am encouraged. This morning I got an email from my pdoc's office advising me that he is stopping practice on the 30th July. I see him Thursday then I will have to find a new psychiatrist. This is very distressing as my current pdoc was my best ever and I feel so safe with him. He got me stable. No one else could in the previous decades of treatment. He has people he recommends I go to but that does not mean they will be a good fit for me. Also he didn't charge me above the government rebate so my appointments have been free. If I have to pay it will be around $200 for a 15 minute consult.

Although I am stable my physical illness is wearing me down and I have had a lot of SI. I am safe now but sense I am close to the edge. Not a good time to be changing doc's. It is also just a big hassle that I don't need right now. I have seen so many mediocre or down right terrible psychiatrists in the past I am scared I will be stuck with another one then have to change again. This is stressful. Sigh ... Thankfully I see my T on Wednesday and can rant to him about this. Maybe he has heard of some good psychiatrists in our city. At least I am not in the middle of a bad episode but my stress levels are high. Just when things were calming down and falling into place this gets thrown in. All I can do is roll with it, do some research, and hope for the best. It may be months before I can get an appointment too. Sorry to be ranting away. This has really thrown me.

Edit; Great, I just found out my GP has recently left her practice too. She was the best GP I have ever had, and was very understanding about my mental illnesses. The practice she has moved to is further away. Far enough to make me try to find a new GP closer to home. Gosh, I hope my T doesn't announce his retirement on Wednesday. On top of this I am at the beginning of a carefully planned two year taper off of Benzo's. I need someone who won't rush me and put me into withdrawals.

I got super lethargic from the melatonin. Had all these super bizarre hypnagogic hallucinations for 10 minutes, fell asleep, then woke up wide awake an hour later.

Well, that was anticlimactic.

I just want a full nights sleep. I feel like Heath Ledger.

Why are you mixing meds? and why are you mixing an antibiotic in with them? Are you sick with an infection ?

Lots of clients are attracted to there T's not uncommon. You can tell he or she so you can get it out in the open..

I have been on and off Xanax 10 years or so now . I am not addictive as in I get a bottle and take 10 to get a high, My body is physically "addicted" Ive gotten off them over the years sometimes flipping to Klonopin, Valium or Ativan. Once detoxed while IP .. Many Pdocs now will take a person that is on Xanax and flip them to Valium... its a longer acting Benzo and then begin to taper over a couple months. Going off a Benzo of any kind cold turkey can cause seizures , so never just quit.

Do you want off the Xanax ? does your Pdoc want you off them? Trust me providers understand how a personas body can become dependant on benzos.. Its nothing shocking to them, its part of there job to care for people who are on them.

But why are you taking lots of antibiotics?

I’m reading a little cozy Amish murder mystery. I came across Some wise words. “Every moment of worry weakens the soul for it’s daily combat. “ worry, anxiety weaken us. So on ward I must do my best to weaken worry and anxiety first, so I have all my strength for things that matter. 5 minutes from now it might make no sense but right noe it’s profound.

Oh, Wander. I am so sorry. An excellent pdoc is gold to us and like you said, so hard to find. I hope your therapist can help you out with finding a new pdoc. Geez, you didn't receive much notice, either!

And I'm awfully sorry about your GP. I haven't had a good GP for many years. It seems that the quality of doctors has sure decreased over the past couple of decades.

I'm sending you good thoughts. I wish I could do more. Please keep us posted as to how things are going


Also, I understand the dilemma regarding Xanax. I am facing coming off Klonopin, which I've been taking for at least 20 years. I'm dreading it because of exactly what you posted...being rushed too fast.

I really like that Nammu. Thanks for sharing.

My family is starting to get on my ***. "You need some sleep" "You can't go too 'up' because what goes up must come down" "I'm concerned about you" etc. I can handle myself, geez. What I need isn't sleep, it's for this weather to cool off but I have almost no control over either of those so what's the point in saying that?
The great thing is I have an excuse not to talk to my nurse practitioner. She's out all week. For now, I'm gonna take another Ativan and hope I can fall asleep.

I have been ooing and aahing

really envious. my friend is about to become a first time mummy to a baby girl

and babies are sooooo sweet!. I want her to have it now so I can have a cuddle with her, but I need to wait until december 15th. lol wish it was now though!. babies are sooo, sooo, sweeeeet!. and she is going to make an awesome mummy. we talked this morning and she's been painting the baby's room pink. I am so excited for this

Work went by super fast yesterday. Of course I spent 10 hours talking to myself of the crap going on with me now but hey— time passed by! I got “upgraded” to full time associate (just basically means I get amazon’s benefit package now and paid time off)

1/4 of the workweek down! I don’t mind the walking to be honest, it’s healthy and I need to exercise: 10mi a day ain’t nothing anymore. 1mi per hour? Psh, easily done.

Life without so much soda is going well. I don’t keep it at the place I stay and only drink water here — but allow for a can or two at work. It’s a good compromise because why take away the only joy I got in life? Lol

I thought I ruined my car by accidentally putting in premium gas rather than regular. I freaked out and thought it would explode or something. Turns out, it’s fine lol.

Now for the harder stuff — I’m thinking since things are coming together the way they are it may be time to let my family know where I am and what’s going on. I get paid (for the first time... thank GOD) Friday: and I’ll finally be supporting myself again. Until then it’s bologna sandwiches and water, (but what else do I really need?). My family knows I’m safe and OK. They have no idea i lived in my car or how any of this played out and I might skip that part all together, there’s no need for them to know that. My mom is not going to take this news well. I can already hear here comments and disparaging remarks about how I’m making her worry endlessly because I live here. I don’t want to, but I can’t keep her in the dark forever— I gotta let go to move on.

Anyone else notice it’s just when things start getting better something has to happen? I’ve noticed a trend (well, this is only the second time) but whenever I am away from my mom and that situation (last time was a very rough situation too), when things calm.... a whirlwind of crap comes up that I need to process through mentally. It’s so Inopportune. I should be focused on getting my ***** together and on my feet— not stuff from 20+ years ago. But then again, my mind gets to decide what comes up and when.

Taking my meds like I’m supposed to and I think they do help. The seroquel is helping a lot, so the switch out is a good one from abilify:

Have therapy Thursday, got way too much and just context or some stuff will take an hour. This is what I hate about a new therapist, however she’s been helpful and has really allowed me to tangibly say I’m working towards my goals. It’s not a cloudy “I’m moving forward” feeling or hope but visible steps taken towards it. I know it’s dumb I never thought of it before but it really keeps me motivated and on track, and despite what my mind says that is still my main priority.

I gotta save some money— I’m only getting a weeks pay and won’t be paid again for 2 weeks (seasonal associates get paid weekly, full time every 2), but I would still like to treat myself after essentials are bought. I’m thinking maybe a fast food restaurant I haven’t been to in a long time, like steak and shake. I used to love their food. It won’t be super expensive and I’ll feel like I treated myself.

Anyway, that’s that. I’m losing weight (and my belly!), I’m working hard— to make money and on improving my life, and everything seems pretty well managed right now: I won’t complain. It could be tons worse.

MarcusAurelius

Therapist out again. Today will be the 5th missed session. True, she's recovering from a bad bout with asthma, but sheeeiiiite.

Feeling connected by teletherapy is so difficult. After 5 missed sessions it's hard for me to remember who we are and what we were doing. I guess I just have to see her absence as a summer vacation. She's *supposed* to be back on Wednesday, I'll be surprised if she is.

Yes I have an infection where I need to take high doses of antibiotics 3 times a day.

I am scared to go off Xanax. Especially right now.

I have this really embarrassing medical thing going on and it’s causing me a lot of discomfort and some stress. I’ve been in a mood all day because of it. At least I got decent sleep.

I can imagine though tomorrow my therapist asking me how my moods were this past week and me saying that I had a tough day today. She’s going to ask why and I don’t want to go into details with her because I don’t want her to laugh. I’m sure a lot of therapists keep straight faces and then start laughing afterwards. I do say some funny things though.