Bipolar check-in #48

That's horrible, bluebicycle! I'm sorry you have to go. I hope that someday you will return, even if under a different name. You have created so many interesting and thought-provoking threads these past few years. Your absence will be noticed.

Hugs, blue--be safe.

So sorry Blue. We hope you make it back one day. I always enjoyed talking with you.

@everyone who asked: I am only allowed to use this one particular pharmacy chain as per my insurance. If I want to use the other big name in my town, I have to pay out of pocket. If go to a grocery store pharmacy, I can probably buy depakote for 20-30 dollars. Which is the route I may go, honestly.

However, my problems right now are only compounded by lack of medication, not caused by it. My complete crack in reality is due to my disturbing revelation.

Even now I feel completely disconnected. I wanted to scream at RS to get the **** away from me, just leave and never ****ing come back. I don’t want him to touch me, to look at me. I don’t want to hear he loves me. It just makes me vulnerable. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I’m meant to do. I want to disappear.

I know I’m being incredibly irrational and maybe I’m just overreacting, maybe things really were t that bad. Maybe it was all in my head and I’m twisting things to make myself look better.

I am unhinged. I’m hoping knocking myself out for a few hours will restore sone sense of calm.

I hope you get your medication soon. Your idea of paying out of pocket, if it is somewhat reasonably priced, sounds like a good plan. These horrible feelings will pass when you're back on track with your medications. In the meantime, sending hugs.

I think it is horrible that insurance companies have such power over the people in the US. It's not right. in my book. Not right at all! There are ways to change that. It doesn't even matter what political party a person is a member of. If all of the people say "No more!" it will have to change.

Yes, soup, it is despicable. Insurance also denied lamictal because my dr only ordered a 30 day supply, and they will only cover 90 day prescriptions. No logical explanation for that one. And it seems to be applied randomly, since I just got 30 days of seroquel and ambien with no problem for $4. Like, why lamictal and depakote but not anything else?

Edit: called my insurance...the guy couldn’t explain it beyond “that’s your plan”. He did clarify that once I refill the same prescription twice, it becomes “maintenance” and thus is subjected to the 90 day rule.

Fun fact: I called the other pharmacy across the street and asked them to have the incompetence pharmacy transfer the prescription so they could fill it and I’ll pay out of pocket. $60 mind you. Pharmacist said sure, but warned me that she’s been on hold with them for over an hour for another patient. So...they’re essentially holding my prescription hostage.

The clinic called today and my therapist will be back on Monday! She's been out for 5 weeks. A long stretch.

All in all, I did well (stable) while she was out. I had 1 week of struggle with the idea that Nazis were holding her hostage (Nazis are a recurring psychotic thing for me). Okay...I'm still not completely sure that they weren't holding her hostage, but what my pdoc refers to as my "executive self" can fairly well over-ride the Nazi thing. Be calming if I could let it go entirely.

Anyway, the point is that she'll be back. I'm so glad. Of course, it's teletherapy, but I'll take it.

I will miss you! You've been a big help to me- wise beyond your years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle I have to close my account, unfortunately, due to a potential stalker who has been trying to dox me (possibly thru hacking because they are very, very angry I helped someone w/ legal advice). Was fun chatting with everybody. Later. Was fun chatting with y'all.

Thanks for letting us know, blue. I will miss you so much. Thank you for all of your kind support. I wish you the best

despite my night, I'm feeling pretty good.

I spent the entire night having flashbacks, really intense flashbacks, too

this morning I even doubted my own safety as it was so intense.

but I had breakfast and I've done my self-care for today, so things are running normally

just uggg. last night was bad though. the worst it's been in a while

Slept about six to seven hours last night. The 50 mg of Seroquel works its magic for the time being.

sorry, vortex. Was there a trigger?

I took a lot of meds last night to help with sleep and pain and anxiety. I skipped dinner and went to bed around 5:30 because I was in pain. I fell asleep with my headphones on and my music kind of incorporated into my sleep. With that and my fan on and the meds my sleep was kinda spooky. I woke up this morning at 8 feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I ate a piece of zucchini pie. Had a coffee. And went back to sleep until 10. I just had a Coke now and I still feel slightly drowsy but not terrible. Mood wise I’m ok today.

Gotta be careful mixing meds and taking large doses. I was mixing large doses of trazodone and Ativan a couple of years ago to go to sleep. Always woke up disoriented and “drunk” feeling. The drunk/high feeling lasted all day, which is of course what I was going for, in reality. Therapist found out, called crisis, IP stay for me!

But it could also be deadly, whether that’s your intention or not.

I took the full 50mg of seroquel in a desperate bid for sleep. Could have easily slept well into the afternoon but we’re having a small bbq today so I forced myself awake at 11am. Twelve hours of sleep. Thank god. I still feel groggy and disconnected but I don’t feel as frantic and chaotic.

I conceded defeat and switched my prescription to another location of the pharmacy, 25 minutes away. They’ll have it ready soon. When I see my pdoc next, I will remind her a) write 90 day prescriptions and b) send it to my insurance mail order program. Then, hopefully, I can avoid all this ********.

Somehow I’ve lost five pounds since Wednesday. I don’t expect that to last, I suspect it’s because I’m off depakote. But I was losing roughly 1lb per week with a controlled diet even on the depakote so even if I gain it back I have confidence I will slowly get to where I want to be.

Maybe this is the beginning of hypomania? I started this whole exercise program, which is completely new for me, because I was never that into exercise besides when I was very young. I have a lot of energy, constantly feel the need to move. It's hard for me to sit still and watch a movie or show. I can't seem to turn off my mind. Sometimes I feel up and have many goals, especially when it comes to fitness. My mood is elevated a lot, but I have bouts of severe irritability, especially when it comes to work. It's hard to focus on work anyway. Seroquel is helping me get some sleep, so at least that isn't an issue. But I do feel the desire to stay up late and do so. It could be worse, but I don't really feel right. Not sure if this is something my pdoc should be aware of or if things will just level out. It is affecting the way I think and feel though.

Hi Raven,
If the experiences you were having were isolated I would say no worries. Extra energy and the desire to exercise are great. However, given everything together it seems like you're on your way up. You have good insight at the moment. I'd make the call to your pdoc before you lose that. I hope you have a soft landing. Be well.

Sure sounds familiar, Raven. Can u call the pdoc? Hypo can flip to mania any time. Irritability is a classic sign of mania.

@BeyondtheRainbow

getting pretty bad akathisia from the clozapine...frustrating

@falcon09 would you be willing to add something to your mix like propranolol? I take it for akathisia from risperdal and it works pretty well for that sorta thing. Some people say cogentin works too but my pdoc says it doesn't help as much.

I'm so sorry. I've never had akathesia on clozapine. I'm on a lot of gabapentin which can treat it though (I take it for anxiety now but was on it before for akathesia. It's not the first choice for it but it was the best option when needed b/c I'm on an MAOI). Akathesia is absolutely miserable so I hope you can get it fixed quickly. Is your doctor trying anything?

I'm down for anything. I was on cogentin in the past but didnt help much

He took me off my other AP (Geodon). I'll tell him monday im still having trouble and maybe he'll try something else

Quote:

Originally Posted by falcon09 @BeyondtheRainbow getting pretty bad akathisia from the clozapine...frustrating

Neither Propanolol, nor Cogentin worked for me, but something called Amantadine really helps.

Exhausted. I don't think I actually slept last night. I have been taking 25mg of Seroquel for the past several nights, then wanted to try going without it last night. Well, that was a failure. Plus, I feel like I'm having withdrawal sensations, which is odd...I wasn't on the Seroquel for more than some days.