Bipolar Check-In #49

That's a confusing visit. Sorry MM. Maybe it felt like exaggerating to her because she never knew how often or how deep this stuff goes for you? I kinda dislike that she was so quick to judge it. In my mind it makes more sense to thank you for opening up more and listen for a few visits before jumping to conclusions.

Check-in #48 reached 100 pages, so here's check-in #49.

Hugs all around~

Went to my pdoc for the last time before transitioning to a new therapist/group/pdoc (I'm in the process of this. Already been assessed and everything). He agreed with the weaning/tapering off of Seroquel from 100 mg to 50 mg. He thinks that will be enough since I've only been on Seroquel since July.

I'm not sure. I want to try 25 mg for two weeks. Should I just stop after 50 mg, or go for the 25 mg?

I'm staying on Trileptal and he prescribed Varistal (spelling?) for anxiety as needed, but I don't think I want to try it.

Trust your gut. I found that my doctors weren't very cautious with withdrawal strategies. I came up with something I was comfortable with after doing the research on it. If you think 25mg would be a better step down approach, go for it.

MM, I also wanted to second what Beth said about psychosis. If the thoughts were random flashbacks or just every now and again that would be one thing. In your case it seems more like prominent thoughts that you've learned are delusions. That is insightful and wonderful, but I disagree that insight means it isn't psychosis. For example, when my delusions came back a few weeks ago I knew they were wrong. I also had them showing up more and more and couldn't get them to just go away on my own. My pdoc and therapist considered it a return of psychosis despite my insight.

two days without akathisia

Wonderful!

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Originally Posted by Living in LaLa Land Went to my pdoc for the last time before transitioning to a new therapist/group/pdoc (I'm in the process of this. Already been assessed and everything). He agreed with the weaning/tapering off of Seroquel from 100 mg to 50 mg. He thinks that will be enough since I've only been on Seroquel since July. I'm not sure. I want to try 25 mg for two weeks. Should I just stop after 50 mg, or go for the 25 mg? I'm staying on Trileptal and he prescribed Varistal (spelling?) for anxiety as needed, but I don't think I want to try it.

I believe that 25mg would help you sleep well. Of course, you could do what I did...go off Seroquel completely, find out how your sleep is. For me, since my sleep was so bad, after a couple of difficult months I finally went back on the 25mg Seroquel.


I didn't find that Vistaril did anything, at all. But that's me. I've heard of people using it for sleep.

Vistaril maybe?

I am pretty sure there are not IR cameras in my walls and yet, at times, I really, really am convinced there are. I just live with this all the time. Just one example.

Thank you guys. It was hard and felt like a rejection. It wiped me out . I think she was frustrated because of how out of it I was. She thought I was sleeping when she called. She asked me several times if I was doing drugs. I've been in bed since and I'm getting up now.

It is always best to taper off meds as slow as possible. I’ve come off low doses of Seroquel before and had insomnia and other issues by dropping off too fast.

Last week I was feeling great. My physical health was improving and the injection I had stopped most of my PTSD symptoms. Then on Sunday I physically crashed. I had been too active in the previous days so the chronic fatigue syndrome flared up bad. On Tuesday night I was at my partners and feeling so ill I had sting SI. My partner helped me think straight and I was calmer by Wednesday. Having such intense physical limitations is a great frustration to me. I struggle to hope it will get better as even medicine has no cure. It is just a waiting game while pacing myself to avoid crashes. The stress is getting to me.

This morning (Thursday) I feel a little better. I have a busy day ahead. I just hope I don’t crash further. I will try to rest as much as possible in between tasks. My partner is coming to stay with me for four days. He has been very unwell with Bipolar. He has little insight but finally clicked he needs to see his doctor yesterday but then didn’t call. He has promised to call this morning. I hope he does. He can barely function and I’m too weak to care for him all the time. He goes on manic rants and my fatigued brain falls apart trying to keep up. Then he crashes and begins sobbing so I comfort him as best I can. It can be exhausting, but when he is calm we have a great time. He rapid cycles constantly but still believes his meds are perfect despite all his suffering. He also has PTSD and is very fragile so I can’t pressure him in any way to get help. He also isn’t completely open with his pdoc as he goes in hypomanic and says everything is perfect. Then he crashes and won’t make another appointment. It is frustrating and exhausting, but I love him and don’t want to abandon him. I just need to find ways to reduce the stress it brings as I can’t take much more myself.

Sorry, I’ve ranted myself. On the plus side I may be starting to do some volunteer administrative work for a global aid organisation that my friend works for. It will be very minimal to begin with to see what I can cope with. It will be good not to feel so useless all the time.

Sorry for your pain, Wander. It sounds like your partner is unmedicated is that true?

Thanks. No, he is medicated. He even thinks his meds are perfect. Sigh... Clearly they need adjusting.

I was on 150 and weaned down to nothing over a few months but then I couldnt sleep so I went back to 50. Sleep restored.

RS was very upset today and I finally got him to talk after much coaxing. He’s just feeling disappointed with some things involving work and finances. I was afraid it was me. I kinda told him just a little bit about why I’ve been so upset and unable to sleep, but I still feel quite embarrassed and ashamed. But I watched an episode of 600 lb life that kinda put things in perspective. I really just need to repeat to myself “it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault” until I believe it. Hard, but doable, I think.

I’ve been increasingly hungry and wanting to snack. I believe it’s hormones. I still am on track to settle at a one pound loss, which is good.

I am still thinking about SI and SH A LOT. I really, really wish I could SH. I’m thinking of maybe going to get an ear piercing I’ve always wanted. Just to take my mind off things and kind of do something for myself. I’ve taken out most of my piercing because they are not professional. I’ve even taken out my gushes as I keep losing plugs and having to replace them. I was sick of it. But I could def get away with a non obvious not traditional piercing In my ear. I have to give up my blue hair when the summer ends.

This reduced calorie diet is making me hungry. I was fantasizing about eating a whole box of kraft mac n cheese with 2 hot dogs. I think that would be a lot of calories and fat and carbs! But I still want it! I settled for salted, roasted seaweed with oil.

Hugs, wfc!!

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Thank you guys. It was hard and felt like a rejection. It wiped me out . I think she was frustrated because of how out of it I was. She thought I was sleeping when she called. She asked me several times if I was doing drugs. I've been in bed since and I'm getting up now.

She sounds like a royal pain in the azz. Clueless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 RS was very upset today and I finally got him to talk after much coaxing. He’s just feeling disappointed with some things involving work and finances. I was afraid it was me. I kinda told him just a little bit about why I’ve been so upset and unable to sleep, but I still feel quite embarrassed and ashamed. But I watched an episode of 600 lb life that kinda put things in perspective. I really just need to repeat to myself “it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault” until I believe it. Hard, but doable, I think. I’ve been increasingly hungry and wanting to snack. I believe it’s hormones. I still am on track to settle at a one pound loss, which is good. I am still thinking about SI and SH A LOT. I really, really wish I could SH. I’m thinking of maybe going to get an ear piercing I’ve always wanted. Just to take my mind off things and kind of do something for myself. I’ve taken out most of my piercing because they are not professional. I’ve even taken out my gushes as I keep losing plugs and having to replace them. I was sick of it. But I could def get away with a non obvious not traditional piercing In my ear. I have to give up my blue hair when the summer ends.

I think an ear piercing is a terrific idea! I've had piercings and tattoos done when I was feeling stuck in a destructive cycle and it always helps. I believe, for one thing, that the mild pain produces endorphins that shake us out of our destructive mind set.

Out of no where, paranoia. It started with a bottle of hair "glosser" that cost 17$ and didn't do anything but dry my hair out. Like, dehydrated it. We haven't had any open salons here for a month and I doubt any will be open any time soon. So I've been (like many people) playing around with my hair.

So I decided to toss the bottle of crap hair stuff in the bin. But the hair stuff is in a container in my bathroom straight in a line to my head when I'm lying in bed. The thought came to me that there is a demon(s) inside the bottle, angry because they will be tossed out.

That led to my thoughts of a couple of weeks ago that my therapist was held hostage by Nazis while she was out sick. I know it's ridiculous, yet I cannot let go of the idea. It's extremely disturbing.

When we have our appointment tomorrow I will straight up ask her.

Then the tall man with very dark hair returned to my apartment. He just stands in my bedroom and stares out the window. He's not particularly sinister, just present.

No idea why this stuff started up so suddenly. Seriously, when this happens it feels like a typer of seizure that suddenly strikes.

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She sounds like a royal pain in the azz. Clueless.

she is but she's the best I've had in the past 6 years. We'll see how she proceeds now. H says she's slow but will get there. This whole over the phone thing isn't working for me but at least it's 1x a week vs every 2 weeks. I think being smart and having cognitive issues doesn't connect with her view of MI. We'll see. H says I am doing better then years ago, So that's good to know. She thinks this can go badly but I'm determined to stay out of the hospital. I have no idea what she wrote or what pdoc is going to say. Hopefully it works out.

I have my shopping order to look forward to today, but that is about it

I should probably get someone out to have a look at my leaking sink,but not today. I honestly can't be bothered.

I'm just realising now how I'm really struggling with med compliance.
I want to take them I do, I know they help, I admit they make me into functional and acceptable adult. Or some form of one...

I know my daughter prefers me medicated (She's a huge motivator for my MH and wellbeing) and still... Days go by before I realize I skipped quite a few doses.

I have alarms set, but I always have a reason as to why I'm taking them later, and then I look at the clock and it's 3am and I missed the night dosages...

I feel like I need to be held accountable. But to whom and isn't that just stupid, needing someone to micromanage me?
I'm 36 for Pete's sake!

I feel like like I'm failing at something so pivotal and so simple.

Thinking I should tell Parker at my appointment next week.
I haven't been brutally honest about how bad it's gotten.