Bipolar Check-In #49

Here’s a weird one. Usually it feels like a different day for me. Now it feels like a different month. It does not feel like September it feels more like July. I assume because the kids are doing virtual and my annual Labor Day plans were cancelled. So now the weather is changing and and its getting darker earlier and I’m honestly very confused. I hope that doesn’t mean that I’m destined for early and very severe SAD.

But I feel good right now I just waited it out and took my night meds at 5 yesterday instead of 3 and then I fell asleep at 8 and I woke up at 5 this morning. So I slept through the night and normally for the first time in 5 days.

going to hospital today....leaving at 9am (90 minutes from now)

I go back to work this afternoon and for the first time since I guffawed out loud, multiple times, at a patient while mixed.

I am on an even keel. But I am nervous nonetheless. I know I won't repeat what I did before, but I feel like I don't trust myself, even though I should. I'm also concerned about word-finding as that has gotten much worse since Zyprexa. I'm a certified medical interpreter (I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over a hospital, inpatients, outpatients, etc.) and thus need to word-find in a split second in both languages. So I'm a bit scared.

I also have a couple of big stressors going on right now. I'm just coming out of that mixed episode, so I'm concerned about being triggered by stress and suffering a relapse. Still, in the last 6 years or so, I've been pretty resilient when it comes to stress and it triggering episodes. Therapy has helped, working only part time has helped immeasurably. I see my therapist on Thursday and I'll be working hard on the issues I need to work on.

I’ve been so anxious over the past two days that I’ve been physically ill. I know why I’m so anxious and there is nothing I can do about it right now. It has to play out. I wish I had better control over my anxiety. It’s vicious.

It’s been sunny with cloudless skies here for several days so I’ve been able to really enjoy the pool. We had a cookout yesterday and someone brought the best brownies that had nuts and caramel in them. I was able to coax my 85 year old mom down there twice....it did her a world of good.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week.

100,000 people without power. 50 mph winds. City on fire, not figuratively as The Moron Sociopath claims--that is total BS. Literally, we are ablaze. We need help.
Hugs.

sucky day, anxiety is very bad. Where is my cave?

Very rough morning. Not feeling my ''usual patient self''

ugh. ''the sound of silence'' grrrrr

and that appointment this week

Deep breaths, Fuzzy.

Ugh. note to self. It is ok to be angry. and i am NOT ''paranoid''

thanks bpcyclist

I went for a covid test this morning. Not sure if I overreacted or not but I haven’t been feeling the greatest for the past few days and my brother is complaining now of muscle aches. So I just went and got tested. At least this way I‘ll know. It took about 1.5 hours but it was painless at least. The people doing it were kinda dumb but they were nice. Now I’m at home under my weighted blanket and I really don’t feel like doing my therapy session at 1 and when I don’t feel like doing therapy that’s not good because the only thing I ever look forward to now is therapy. So I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t have a fever though so it could be anything including plain anxiety.

Grrrrrrrrr. I am feeling mad as hell. And I do NOT OWN ''toxic shame''. I am not a ''bad person'' or ANY of those things the abusers (mostly ''family' projected onto me

Well I had a 4 hour long panic attack last night! I hadn't had one in about 9 days. I'm so frustrated about them. They are pure hell!

Hope I don't have one tonight. Please god dont let me have one!

Hope everyone is having a good day! Hugs to those struggling.

It's been a long day today. I feel awful for complaining when so many others are in the midst of horrible wildfires, or having horrible anxiety attacks over night, or aren't sleeping, or rough appointments, but I do have to vent in these last days before my work hands me my papers. I've been balanced on paranoia and anxiety over the past weeks as it is.

My manager, her manager, their manager, and the Vice President overseeing us all have in their own ways all made it known that they are 'aware' of what is going on. For instance, I went over my boss when she cancelled my last two 1:1s. They don't feel its prudent at the time to have 1:1s with me. I'll know more in a few weeks. I mentioned that I haven't been assigned work in over 60 days. They are aware. I have been working on projects that I have found that require work, but I am not certain it aligns with the vision of the organization. I'll learn more in a few weeks. I have no key performance indicators. I'll learn more in a few weeks.

I get a strange email from an external source with a throwaway hotmail saying, "You are one of five people that they are laying off in September. I can't tell you more without losing my job."

So here I sit, waiting to see what my severance package will look like. It's amazing that corporations play games with lives in this day and age.

I need to find a job that's healthier for me. I just also need to make money. This frigging blows.

Yes, it is.

May be a blessing in disguise...

I am hearing a lot of noise in my walls. Kinda worried someone is putting cameras and microphones in there. Have not felt this way in awhile. Might nd to up my Trilafon again. It is my only AP.

I started a new thread and will ask mods to close this one.

New link is: Check-in Thread #50