[swimmingly]

Checking in. It's been four days since I was last here. Maybe five. The overnight thing messes me up. It's 3:47 AM EST. I'm not sleeping. That ***** called Mania is here. So is that asshole depression. I'm being torn apart. Can't sleep a wink. Ate one fast food sandwich for the day yesterday. That's not like me. Haven't showered since Tuesday. I promised my wife that I'd do it tomorrow... i meant today before church. I also need to take a walk before church. I might move that to afterwards though. I might need some sleep before walking on that main street with my wobble.

I am not suicidal. We decreased my Depakote on Monday because I couldn't keep my eyes open, but now I don't know. I have to stay at "work" until Friday. After that I can deal with any program I need to. But I won't. I won't go twice in one year. My wife needs me to be functional. I've been out of work so much this year.

I've made myself some promises. If they came back to me with an offer of something, anything, I'm walking away. They put too much pressure and poison onto people. They asked me if I had any questions, and I said, "Why didn't you pretend that you weren't going to fire me? You made it obvious." They said nothing. I'm floored by that.

My next job I will find a way to use my skills to help people. I really want to help others. I want to help myself too. My problem? No college. I made it up to a pretty high salary with no college. I don't know how I'll do anything else. I'm really nothing. I have tons of experience, but when I get to education, there's not much to say that I chose a different path and have suffered for it. It's not important for me to go back now. For me, the money is better served towards my kids. I don't know if I'll see near a penny of it again. I don't know what I've given up, and for what!? I actually made a statement two months ago that if it came down to a single mother and I for the job, that I'd rather she keep it. Today, I panic if that was the moment that I ruined my kids' lives.

I'm having a really hard time tonight so I'm going to go watch a movie about living with bipolar disorder and see how lousy I can feel.

I hope that you are all sleeping in your night cycles when they reach you, are watched over by your higher power, and are finding what you need to heal and grow.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Our air has cleared AND we got some rain!! For those things I am VERY glad.

However, today was difficult. Someone said something that sideswiped me and threw me into a major funk. Hovered on the verge of tears all day. It just added to the despair I've been feeling. I'm just so rung out from it all. Came home from work, straight into jammies. Going to sleep early tonight. I'd like to just stay under the covers till who knows when.

My signature's lyrics say it all.

Hugs, IZ.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Here is my new couch! We don't have it yet, but we are arranging for my aunt to let us borrow her truck so we can go get it. Kevin doesn't want to move it twice, but I said the movers can move it the second time. Right? What are movers for if not moving your couch up three flights of stairs? It's a smaller couch, but still. I hope Caleb can sleep on it- that its not too small for that. Or maybe he will have to sleep in MY bed and I can sleep on the couch? We'll work it out. Here's the new couch!

The sofa looks comfy. I like the design.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Our air has cleared AND we got some rain!! For those things I am VERY glad.

However, today was difficult. Someone said something that sideswiped me and threw me into a major funk. Hovered on the verge of tears all day. It just added to the despair I've been feeling. I'm just so rung out from it all. Came home from work, straight into jammies. Going to sleep early tonight. I'd like to just stay under the covers till who knows when.

My signature's lyrics say it all.

Great news, Innerzone!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by swimmingly

Checking in. It's been four days since I was last here. Maybe five. The overnight thing messes me up. It's 3:47 AM EST. I'm not sleeping. That ***** called Mania is here. So is that asshole depression. I'm being torn apart. Can't sleep a wink. Ate one fast food sandwich for the day yesterday. That's not like me. Haven't showered since Tuesday. I promised my wife that I'd do it tomorrow... i meant today before church. I also need to take a walk before church. I might move that to afterwards though. I might need some sleep before walking on that main street with my wobble.

I am not suicidal. We decreased my Depakote on Monday because I couldn't keep my eyes open, but now I don't know. I have to stay at "work" until Friday. After that I can deal with any program I need to. But I won't. I won't go twice in one year. My wife needs me to be functional. I've been out of work so much this year.

I've made myself some promises. If they came back to me with an offer of something, anything, I'm walking away. They put too much pressure and poison onto people. They asked me if I had any questions, and I said, "Why didn't you pretend that you weren't going to fire me? You made it obvious." They said nothing. I'm floored by that.

My next job I will find a way to use my skills to help people. I really want to help others. I want to help myself too. My problem? No college. I made it up to a pretty high salary with no college. I don't know how I'll do anything else. I'm really nothing. I have tons of experience, but when I get to education, there's not much to say that I chose a different path and have suffered for it. It's not important for me to go back now. For me, the money is better served towards my kids. I don't know if I'll see near a penny of it again. I don't know what I've given up, and for what!? I actually made a statement two months ago that if it came down to a single mother and I for the job, that I'd rather she keep it. Today, I panic if that was the moment that I ruined my kids' lives.

I'm having a really hard time tonight so I'm going to go watch a movie about living with bipolar disorder and see how lousy I can feel.

I hope that you are all sleeping in your night cycles when they reach you, are watched over by your higher power, and are finding what you need to heal and grow.

Yeah, Albert will nit let me sleep. Hugs, swimmer.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by swimmingly

Checking in. It's been four days since I was last here. Maybe five. The overnight thing messes me up. It's 3:47 AM EST. I'm not sleeping. That ***** called Mania is here. So is that asshole depression. I'm being torn apart. Can't sleep a wink. Ate one fast food sandwich for the day yesterday. That's not like me. Haven't showered since Tuesday. I promised my wife that I'd do it tomorrow... i meant today before church. I also need to take a walk before church. I might move that to afterwards though. I might need some sleep before walking on that main street with my wobble.

I am not suicidal. We decreased my Depakote on Monday because I couldn't keep my eyes open, but now I don't know. I have to stay at "work" until Friday. After that I can deal with any program I need to. But I won't. I won't go twice in one year. My wife needs me to be functional. I've been out of work so much this year.

I've made myself some promises. If they came back to me with an offer of something, anything, I'm walking away. They put too much pressure and poison onto people. They asked me if I had any questions, and I said, "Why didn't you pretend that you weren't going to fire me? You made it obvious." They said nothing. I'm floored by that.

My next job I will find a way to use my skills to help people. I really want to help others. I want to help myself too. My problem? No college. I made it up to a pretty high salary with no college. I don't know how I'll do anything else. I'm really nothing. I have tons of experience, but when I get to education, there's not much to say that I chose a different path and have suffered for it. It's not important for me to go back now. For me, the money is better served towards my kids. I don't know if I'll see near a penny of it again. I don't know what I've given up, and for what!? I actually made a statement two months ago that if it came down to a single mother and I for the job, that I'd rather she keep it. Today, I panic if that was the moment that I ruined my kids' lives.

I'm having a really hard time tonight so I'm going to go watch a movie about living with bipolar disorder and see how lousy I can feel.

I hope that you are all sleeping in your night cycles when they reach you, are watched over by your higher power, and are finding what you need to heal and grow.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, swim. That blows about your job. People can be ruthless.

Did you end up watching a movie?

I finally got to have a drink from my new mug

I may have had it for 5 days, but I miss placed it and only found it to drink out of recently

better late than never I guess.

it's a white mug with the words jane austin on it. got it from one of those freebie sites

today is really living up to the quiet, sunday = rest day stuff.

not a single car outside on the road, child playing, or even birdy singing. it's so quiet!

I listened to the latest episode of my stories podcast today. it was a good story. I really enjoyed it

not much else though. later on they are going to show a brand new series of family fortunes (or feud in america)

I love that show, and as a child, it was one of my favorites!. some of the answers they give on their are hilarious

I can't wait to see it revived

[swimmingly]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, swim. That blows about your job. People can be ruthless.

Did you end up watching a movie?

Yeah, I watched one called Touched with Fire from 2015. I thought it really captured some aspects of my mania well, and others not at all. I'd recommend it with a big TRIGGER WARNING BANNER for just about every type.

@Innerzone: So glad to hear about your clear air and rain! Sorry to hear someone upset you tho. Hopefully it's passed by now.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

The sofa looks comfy. I like the design.

I think so too. I haven't seen it in person yet, though.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by swimmingly

Yeah, I watched one called Touched with Fire from 2015. I thought it really captured some aspects of my mania well, and others not at all. I'd recommend it with a big TRIGGER WARNING BANNER for just about every type.

Where did you find it? I have Netflix but nothing like that is ever on there.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I finally got to have a drink from my new mug

I may have had it for 5 days, but I miss placed it and only found it to drink out of recently

better late than never I guess.

it's a white mug with the words jane austin on it. got it from one of those freebie sites

today is really living up to the quiet, sunday = rest day stuff.

not a single car outside on the road, child playing, or even birdy singing. it's so quiet!

I listened to the latest episode of my stories podcast today. it was a good story. I really enjoyed it

not much else though. later on they are going to show a brand new series of family fortunes (or feud in america)

I love that show, and as a child, it was one of my favorites!. some of the answers they give on their are hilarious

I can't wait to see it revived

I used to watch Family Feud when I was a little kid. Richard Dawson, the host, would kiss all the women! On the lips! There have been so many reincarnations of that show- and they're brining it back again?

[swimmingly]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Where did you find it? I have Netflix but nothing like that is ever on there.

I bought it on AppleTV a few months ago. I've been stocking up on movies from an old post from bphope. They've got some good ones.

[Mountaindewed]

Today is dragging on and it’s been pretty annoying but my anxiety and moods are ok. I took a long walk this morning and then got a hot tea with blueberry flavoring from Dunkin’ Donuts and then I watched some stuff on this app I have. I haven’t taken anything yet anxiety med wise. Last night I took a couple melatonin gummies and then put on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon. That usually puts me to sleep. I fell asleep right when Great Gig In The Sky was playing. That’s normally when I do fall asleep. With that and the melatonin and my general sleep issues, I was hoping for some kinda psychedelic experience but I didn’t have one. I just slept through the night for the 2nd night in a row and I slept well for the 3rd night. The news has me freaking me a bit though.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Where did you find it? I have Netflix but nothing like that is ever on there.

Hi Moose, It's on Amazon - free with Amazon Prime. I'm going to watch it today.

Thanks, swim!

[~Christina]

No AC on ! its been mid 80's with a strong breeze and nights 60 ish.. Id love this to be he start of Fall.

Steve is finally feeling better He has to take break often and sit down to catch his break . he's been building half Doors for our porch, Then the dogs can hang out with us. . No doors ? we can't if they see a rabbit, Deer, cats, goats, turkeys they will take off in a nano second and then have selective hearing But anyway the doors are going to be beautiful, I am beyond thrilled and relived he's better, Its been a Horrible yeah not only with Covid but him being so damn sick.

Im still snowed under and sleeping sooo much from Seroquel, So for now I am Ok with taking it.

My painting is coming along, Slow but I am taking my time doing it . Its a great distraction and its going to be beautiful, I might even frame it and hang it on the wall LOL

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday

[Soupe du jour]

I am in Brno, Czech Republic (Moravia region) with Hubby and both of his nephews. His eldest nephew scheduled all of our upcoming apartment/house view appointments. We saw our first of many earlier this evening. It sort of didn't go well (won't elaborate). Afterwards we went to dinner and walked around the city center. Hubby looked irritable and depressed. The reality of a huge life change is hitting him. I am trying to have a much more optimistic and upbeat attitude about it all, but the stress is there.

As I often do during major vacations (with stress), I have accidentally injured myself. I fell on my sister-in-law's steep wooden spiral staircase the other day. Then I prevented my husband from having a serious fall on steep cement stairs. As I caught him, some injury obviously happened. My lower legs (especially my right one) are slightly swollen. A toe on my right foot is mysteriously sore. The area from the right side of my neck down to my right elbow is also sore. Despite this, there are no visible bruises there. I do have bruises on my left leg, but no pain or swelling there. It does also have scabs from a horrible attack by misquitos in France, some days back. I totally understand the neck to elbow pain, but the leg swelling and toe is more mysterious. I just assume it's from saving my husband from the fall. Sometimes I don't even realize I injured myself. Right now my right leg is elevated on pillows. I hope the ultra busy walking day tomorrow doesn't exacerbate it all.

I have not been eating that well during the vacation, and not drinking enough water. The hypochondriac in me fears something is amiss with my kidneys. My last kidney function test results were worse than usual. Could this trip have worsened their functioning more? Is that the cause of my swollen legs? Gosh, I hope not! This is a bit uncomfortable.

I miss my cooking. Hubby even expressed great disappointment with the meals we've had. Not just the healthfulness of my cooking, but also the taste. Plus, the prices of many meals have been excessive and I have clearly regained some of the weight I lost before the trip. His sister's two days of meals were "light" at my request, but pretty so-so. I sound like my late mother-in-law writing/complaining about that.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I am in Brno, Czech Republic (Moravia region) with Hubby and both of his nephews. His eldest nephew scheduled all of our upcoming apartment/house view appointments. We saw our first of many earlier this evening. It sort of didn't go well (won't elaborate). Afterwards we went to dinner and walked around the city center. Hubby looked irritable and depressed. The reality of a huge life change is hitting him. I am trying to have a much more optimistic and upbeat attitude about it all, but the stress is there.

As I often do during major vacations (with stress), I have accidentally injured myself. I fell on my sister-in-law's steep wooden spiral staircase the other day. Then I prevented my husband from having a serious fall on steep cement stairs. As I caught him, some injury obviously happened. My lower legs (especially my right one) are slightly swollen. A toe on my right foot is mysteriously sore. The area from the right side of my neck down to my right elbow is also sore. Despite this, there are no visible bruises there. I do have bruises on my left leg, but no pain or swelling there. It does also have scabs from a horrible attack by misquitos in France, some days back. I totally understand the neck to elbow pain, but the leg swelling and toe is more mysterious. I just assume it's from saving my husband from the fall. Sometimes I don't even realize I injured myself. Right now my right leg is elevated on pillows. I hope the ultra busy walking day tomorrow doesn't exacerbate it all.

I have not been eating that well during the vacation, and not drinking enough water. The hypochondriac in me fears something is amiss with my kidneys. My last kidney function test results were worse than usual. Could this trip have worsened their functioning more? Is that the cause of my swollen legs? Gosh, I hope not! This is a bit uncomfortable.

I miss my cooking. Hubby even expressed great disappointment with the meals we've had. Not just the healthfulness of my cooking, but also the taste. Plus, the prices of many meals have been excessive and I have clearly regained some of the weight I lost before the trip. His sister's two days of meals were "light" at my request, but pretty so-so. I sound like my late mother-in-law writing that.

Should you see a doctor, soupe?

[bpcyclist]

Forgot to say. Since sarcosine has gone so well, we are going to go ahead and block the other side of my NMDA receptors and start ketamine. I will let you know.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

No AC on ! its been mid 80's with a strong breeze and nights 60 ish.. Id love this to be he start of Fall.

Steve is finally feeling better He has to take break often and sit down to catch his break . he's been building half Doors for our porch, Then the dogs can hang out with us. . No doors ? we can't if they see a rabbit, Deer, cats, goats, turkeys they will take off in a nano second and then have selective hearing But anyway the doors are going to be beautiful, I am beyond thrilled and relived he's better, Its been a Horrible yeah not only with Covid but him being so damn sick.

Im still snowed under and sleeping sooo much from Seroquel, So for now I am Ok with taking it.

My painting is coming along, Slow but I am taking my time doing it . Its a great distraction and its going to be beautiful, I might even frame it and hang it on the wall LOL

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday

I'm so, so glad things are going well. Steve is better - that is fantastic!!

I'm excited about your painting, Christina! If you would show us a pic of it when it's done, that would be amazing

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I am in Brno, Czech Republic (Moravia region) with Hubby and both of his nephews. His eldest nephew scheduled all of our upcoming apartment/house view appointments. We saw our first of many earlier this evening. It sort of didn't go well (won't elaborate). Afterwards we went to dinner and walked around the city center. Hubby looked irritable and depressed. The reality of a huge life change is hitting him. I am trying to have a much more optimistic and upbeat attitude about it all, but the stress is there.

As I often do during major vacations (with stress), I have accidentally injured myself. I fell on my sister-in-law's steep wooden spiral staircase the other day. Then I prevented my husband from having a serious fall on steep cement stairs. As I caught him, some injury obviously happened. My lower legs (especially my right one) are slightly swollen. A toe on my right foot is mysteriously sore. The area from the right side of my neck down to my right elbow is also sore. Despite this, there are no visible bruises there. I do have bruises on my left leg, but no pain or swelling there. It does also have scabs from a horrible attack by misquitos in France, some days back. I totally understand the neck to elbow pain, but the leg swelling and toe is more mysterious. I just assume it's from saving my husband from the fall. Sometimes I don't even realize I injured myself. Right now my right leg is elevated on pillows. I hope the ultra busy walking day tomorrow doesn't exacerbate it all.

I have not been eating that well during the vacation, and not drinking enough water. The hypochondriac in me fears something is amiss with my kidneys. My last kidney function test results were worse than usual. Could this trip have worsened their functioning more? Is that the cause of my swollen legs? Gosh, I hope not! This is a bit uncomfortable.

I miss my cooking. Hubby even expressed great disappointment with the meals we've had. Not just the healthfulness of my cooking, but also the taste. Plus, the prices of many meals have been excessive and I have clearly regained some of the weight I lost before the trip. His sister's two days of meals were "light" at my request, but pretty so-so. I sound like my late mother-in-law writing/complaining about that.

It sounds like you have been injured enough to see a doctor, Soupe. As someone who fell down some stairs and waited over 2 years in miserable pain before seeing an MD and ending up having to have achilles tendon surgery...I urge you to see a doctor if you are having odd pain or symptoms

And drink water, 'kay?

Originally Posted by ~Christina

No AC on ! its been mid 80's with a strong breeze and nights 60 ish.. Id love this to be he start of Fall.

Steve is finally feeling better He has to take break often and sit down to catch his break . he's been building half Doors for our porch, Then the dogs can hang out with us. . No doors ? we can't if they see a rabbit, Deer, cats, goats, turkeys they will take off in a nano second and then have selective hearing But anyway the doors are going to be beautiful, I am beyond thrilled and relived he's better, Its been a Horrible yeah not only with Covid but him being so damn sick.

Im still snowed under and sleeping sooo much from Seroquel, So for now I am Ok with taking it.

My painting is coming along, Slow but I am taking my time doing it . Its a great distraction and its going to be beautiful, I might even frame it and hang it on the wall LOL

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday

SO glad Steve is feeling better!! And I'm with BethRags -- when you're done with the painting.. picture please!

The person that upset me so much yesterday apologized today. I was so glad. AM so glad. It lightens the load of despair, but the rest is still there. You know when it just feels like virtually everything is weighing you down? I think the covid thing is a major culprit. I was feeling so much more confident and positive before this all came down. Then add in political stress, and that is EXTREMELY high. But it's a little hard knowing where situational meets BP. I haven't had an episode in like 2 years, which is a very long stretch, you know? I'll have to add my prn in the mix I guess. Maybe that will help sort it out. Sigh.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

No AC on ! its been mid 80's with a strong breeze and nights 60 ish.. Id love this to be he start of Fall.

Steve is finally feeling better He has to take break often and sit down to catch his break . he's been building half Doors for our porch, Then the dogs can hang out with us. . No doors ? we can't if they see a rabbit, Deer, cats, goats, turkeys they will take off in a nano second and then have selective hearing But anyway the doors are going to be beautiful, I am beyond thrilled and relived he's better, Its been a Horrible yeah not only with Covid but him being so damn sick.

Im still snowed under and sleeping sooo much from Seroquel, So for now I am Ok with taking it.

My painting is coming along, Slow but I am taking my time doing it . Its a great distraction and its going to be beautiful, I might even frame it and hang it on the wall LOL

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday

I’m so glad to see this! Some good news! So happy for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Ugh. Ever get the feeling that you just want to give up on every single person around you and live by yourself? I’ve just had it. All the negative news, all the blatant disregard for basic human rights and decency. And that’s just the public.

Personally I’ve had it with my family. My mom, my uncle and his family, my late husband’s family (except my SIL), everyone. Like I know I get on a roll for something reason where I just start thinking of something and it’s all I think about for weeks whenever I have any down time. Well right now it’s how miserable of a childhood I had. I’m not even joking when I say I cannot recall a time when I was ever happy. Even when my dad was alive. My mom’s depression overshadowed everything.

I think it’s all been triggered by the realization that she’s exactly the ****ing same as she’s always been. She’s had thirty years to get her **** together and she still makes no effort. The hoarding thing was the last straw. When she said she had to go through her books...and then I looked around and saw the dozens of new decorations...it’s like a switch flipped and turned all the lights on. She’s never, EVER going to change. I don’t know, maybe I always held out hope? But that’s pointless now. It’s almost as if she likes being miserable.

I HAVE to get my grandmother to change the executor of her will to me. I have to. I know she didn’t choose me originally because of my issues with mental illness, she thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Plus my late husband was stealing money from her through me (basically he made us penniless and made me beg her for money, and then spent THAT money on drugs too without my knowledge). But he’s gone now and I am very strong. Do I have my moments? Yes I do. But I can put my emotions aside and get **** done. My mom can’t do that. She even said to me she hopes she goes before my grandma dies because she can’t handle dealing with my uncle. That’s pretty ****ing unlikely, considering my grandma is 83 and my mom’s only 61.

I’m just done with it. My late husband’s family is no better. His dad is insane. Racist, homophobic bigot who likes to air out family laundry on Facebook. My MIL is also a racist homophobe but she keeps it to herself. Not that it makes it better.

I like RS’s core family. He’s got a lot of ****ed up cousins but he’s distanced himself from them. He’s agreed that he definitely wants a small wedding. I’m so glad! We can have it at my dream venue and exclude everyone who sucks by just saying “oh well, small event “