[Soupe du jour]

I had to just take an Ativan. A little while ago, I apologized for my behavior towards Hubby today. I was rough. Truth is I am overwhelmed by all of this and want normalcy back, but it's a long time in the coming. I felt a bit ill today in various ways. When I start experiencing a lot of gastrointestinal distress (heartburn, indigestion, acid reflux) I know I am pushing too far. Then my heart raises and that scares me. Hubby is in a somewhat similar state, but has the added burden of doing all of the driving.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my diet. I just have to eat healthful food at least half of the time. Eating as I have only does me harm. I almost wish I could just eat vegetables, whole grains, and lean meat again. Instead, it has all mostly been junk food. I almost cried that we had little access to any better, this evening. I miss my cooking, desperately! Not just for healthful eating, but because of my husband's garlic allergy. Yesterday I deep down wanted to barge into the restaurant's kitchen and make my husband's meal myself. Believe me that I would have done 10 times of a better job. Chefs in restaurants? No, most of them are just line cooks.

Sorry to vent. Doing so makes me feel slightly better.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I had to just take an Ativan. A little while ago, I apologized for my behavior towards Hubby today. I was rough. Truth is I am overwhelmed by all of this and want normalcy back, but it's a long time in the coming. I felt a bit ill today in various ways. When I start experiencing a lot of gastrointestinal distress (heartburn, indigestion, acid reflux) I know I am pushing too far. Then my heart raises and that scares me. Hubby is in a somewhat similar state, but has the added burden of doing all of the driving.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my diet. I just have to eat healthful food at least half of the time. Eating as I have only does me harm. I almost wish I could just eat vegetables, whole grains, and lean meat again. Instead, it has all mostly been junk food. I almost cried that we had little access to any better, this evening. I miss my cooking, desperately! Not just for healthful eating, but because of my husband's garlic allergy. Yesterday I deep down wanted to barge into the restaurant's kitchen and make my husband's meal myself. Believe me that I would have done 10 times of a better job. Chefs in restaurants? No, most of them are just line cooks.

Sorry to vent. Doing so makes me feel slightly better.

Can you go to some natural foods stores and buy some food to eat in your room? Almost anyone I know feels unwell eating only restaurant food. Whenever I travel I buy healthy foods that don't need to be cooked and eat them in my room. Not so much restaurants.

I am so happy that Christmas is over! I breathed a big sigh of relief today. I really feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I had a nice day snuggling with my dog and watching soaps and news and knitting. My scarf is getting long!

I watched "The NBC Nightly News" today. I wanted to hear news of the Nashville bombing and my silly local station didn't have anything on it. It was the top story on Canadian and American national news. Just waiting for them to report that the bomber was mentally ill tho. It's just a matter of time. It was an interesting experience to hear Canada mentioned on the NBC news. I like Lester Holt too, such an interesting face. And my local news has the cutest weatherman! He's a tasty morsel!

I never watched news before COVID because i took Mass Communications in university and concluded that news is just a tool the rich use to oppress the poor. But i'm 54 now and i've gotten over the socialist fervor of my youth at last. I watch TV online and the NBC news was only twenty minutes and ran without commercials. Yay! Something more to do! I'm pretty discouraged about Scrabble. Have been having real stinkers of games and weekly online club was chaos last week. So unpleasant!

Today i'm happy i'm a recluse as i've been bothered by thoughts of the horrorshows that have been my family experiences. I love my dog and my one close neighbor is okay. She sent me an email Christmas card which was very thoughtful. I haven't seen much of her this year as she got a rambunctious puppy in March and he goes berserk over my dog so we can't really visit anymore. He'll be one year old soon tho so hopefully he will settle down and we can spend time together again.

CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi Sapien! Yeah, that's pretty weird, what that person said about Biden. Hmmm....

What's with your T not returning your call from two weeks ago!? Are you sure she got it?

I'm pretty sure she got it. My phone call was basically "hey, I can't make it Tuesday so call back to reschedule" and she didn't email me the link for the video session; that means she knew I wasn't going/got my message.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t feel too good today. I took 240 milligrams of Geodon last night on purpose. I’m prescribed 80. Then I ate dinner so they could dissolve faster. I fell asleep until 5:30 and now I’m drowsy, my head hurts, my vision is blurry, and my stomach is a mess. I was just so depressed last night.

[Moose72]

N3 called me at 5:30 this morning and I actually heard the phone. He wanted me to drive him to Tim Hortons because Sharlene wanted to call off work and nobody was answering the phone there. I had to scrape my car which made me late. N3 was getting off work. After I picked him up around 6:30 ( Half an hour after he was supposed to get out) we drove to Tim Hortons and got coffee and a muffin for me and a sandwich for him. I took him home only to find out that he still had the keys from work so we went back to work. Finally I got him home. I'm so tired. I think I'll go back to sleep.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Can you go to some natural foods stores and buy some food to eat in your room? Almost anyone I know feels unwell eating only restaurant food. Whenever I travel I buy healthy foods that don't need to be cooked and eat them in my room. Not so much restaurants.

Thanks, BethRags. This is precisely what we are going to do in a little while.

The "complimentary breakfasts" at the hotels are looking more and more measly, surely because of covid-19. I was glad that I had taken a cup of instant oatmeal from a previous one. This one only had lousy looking bagels (with absolutely nothing to spread on them, not even butter), hard boiled eggs, oranges (no juices) and coffee with the only creamers being flavored ones. I drank mine black since I am not fond of flavored creamers.

We'll go to a Publix, which is usually the best grocery store in this part of the country, in my view.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I don’t feel too good today. I took 240 milligrams of Geodon last night on purpose. I’m prescribed 80. Then I ate dinner so they could dissolve faster. I fell asleep until 5:30 and now I’m drowsy, my head hurts, my vision is blurry, and my stomach is a mess. I was just so depressed last night.

Mountaindewed, what the heck are you doing?!?!?!? Between this, cough syrup, and other things you've mentioned, I wish you'd get more help and be honest with your doctor and therapist about these abuses. Sounds like a call for help from you. Be sure the "call" is heard by the right people and quickly. I assume you know that 240 mg Geodon is beyond the highest recommended dose of that medication. I would cease taking that much unless it is prescribed by your psychiatrist.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Mountaindewed, what the heck are you doing?!?!?!? Between this, cough syrup, and other things you've mentioned, I wish you'd get more help and be honest with your doctor and therapist about these abuses. Sounds like a call for help from you. Be sure the "call" is heard by the right people and quickly. I assume you know that 240 mg Geodon is beyond the highest recommended dose of that medication. I would cease taking that much unless it is prescribed by your psychiatrist.

I’m going to talk to my case manager tomorrow. I’ve been very honest with her since meeting with her. Maybe I need to go up to PHP instead of IOP. I wish I could get ahold of my Pdoc. He said he’d call earlier this week. My appointment was cancelled without them telling me and he never called for the reschedule. I swear if my Geodon was raised to 100 at night instead of 80 and my lamictal was raised to 225 instead of 200 I’d feel so much better and it wouldn’t affect my weight either.

I told my mom what happened and then gave her all my meds. Including my Tylenol. She is in complete control now of everything. And the cough syrup and melatonin have been hidden for weeks.

This is why I went through a massive amount of pain instead of using a lot of opiates after my surgery. An opiate addiction is the absolute last thing I need.

I appreciate your support and concern. A lot.

I feel really sick right now. I think I need to lie down.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m going to talk to my case manager tomorrow. I’ve been very honest with her since meeting with her. Maybe I need to go up to PHP instead of IOP. I wish I could get ahold of my Pdoc. He said he’d call earlier this week. My appointment was cancelled without them telling me and he never called for the reschedule. I swear if my Geodon was raised to 100 at night instead of 80 and my lamictal was raised to 225 instead of 200 I’d feel so much better and it wouldn’t affect my weight either.

I told my mom what happened and then gave her all my meds. Including my Tylenol. She is in complete control now of everything. And the cough syrup and melatonin have been hidden for weeks.

This is why I went through a massive amount of pain instead of using a lot of opiates after my surgery. An opiate addiction is the absolute last thing I need.

I appreciate your support and concern. A lot.

I feel really sick right now. I think I need to lie down.

I'm glad to read this.

Do push for your psychiatrist to get back to you. Could your mom maybe call them, too, on your behalf?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm glad to read this.

Do push for your psychiatrist to get back to you. Could your mom maybe call them, too, on your behalf?

Yes she had planned on talking to them tomorrow.

[Sunflower123]

My depression is acting up today darn it. There’s no good reason for it. Things are going well and my daughter is back in town....just at her dad’s house for the day. True, the pandemic is getting to me but that doesn’t account for this kind of response. I’ll try to stay busy to keep my mind off of it. Hopefully it will pass soon.

Hugs to all those that are struggling.

[Mountaindewed]

I took a Xanax and chugged a glass of water. Then I ate a little cup of peanut butter. I feel better. I have an email written out to my case manager ready to be sent in the morning.

[Soupe du jour]

I am currently in the very lovely city of Savannah, Georgia. Even prettier than Charleston, which Hubby agrees with. Tonight we head towards Tallahassee, Florida instead of Montgomery, Alabama. We might stay in Tallahassee a couple days, then go towards Mobile, Alabama and the scenic coastal highway around there. Flowers are blooming and it is warm enough for comfort in a light jacket.

Attached is a pleasant festive spot in Savannah.

[Mountaindewed]

I could technically sue my outpatient group and my Pdoc. Since he cancelled 2 appointments and then I had an incident a few days later. Since they are nonprofit I think I’d have a pretty good chance of getting a settlement with little questions asked.

I am not joking. I could have been a lawyer.

And I am taking responsibility for my actions but I do feel like there was a bit of negligence on there part as well. Not to mention I’m now out of my lamictal and the pharmacy can’t get ahold of him.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m struggling again. I don’t know what going inpatient would do for me. My mom has all my meds so I am safe. I wish I actually knew what my problem was. I thought I just really missed my therapist. But that doesn’t seem to be the case today. I can’t think of anything that’s going wrong or is wrong. I’m not sure if my surgery just really gave me bad post op depression that is still lasting 3 months later. Not sure that can happen. I have heard anesthesia can sometimes really change a person.

But I’m really really having a hard time right now.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m struggling again. I don’t know what going inpatient would do for me. My mom has all my meds so I am safe. I wish I actually knew what my problem was. I thought I just really missed my therapist. But that doesn’t seem to be the case today. I can’t think of anything that’s going wrong or is wrong. I’m not sure if my surgery just really gave me bad post op depression that is still lasting 3 months later. Not sure that can happen. I have heard anesthesia can sometimes really change a person.

But I’m really really having a hard time right now.

Md, when you take inconsistent doses of medications it will have a deleterious effect upon your moods. Just a fact. I believe - just my opinion - that IP could do you a world of good. It might just give you a grounded place from which to re-start.

[~Christina]

Nashville Bombing ...

Well the FBI searched a house yesterday " a person of interest" Its looking more and more that he did all this to cripple phone and internet. He was a very techy guy and that was his profession, Apparently he had made a comment that anyone could be listening in on everyone, I dunno.. FBI is releasing info when they feel its okay to do so.

The phone and internet being out have effected Tenneesse, Alabama , Georgia and into Kentucky.. ATT is working around the clock to fix it they had a fire reignite, So there are having to bring power in carefully , 911 call centers are down. There are hospitals that have no phone service and can not access patient info... ATT said they hope to restore all services today or tomorrow.

My heart breaks for Nashville and all the people that are displaced and will be for weeks and weeks, while the bomb site is being processed. They are finding pieces from the bomb blocks and blocks away and also on the Capital grounds. Many Business's are destroyed. All buildings will have to be checked to see if they are safe or need to be condemned. This is going to take a long time to rebuild.

Those brave police that showed up for a "shots fire call" that RV had a count down loud recording to detonate and was telling people to evacuate.. Those police officers rushed into buildings grabbing people out of there homes to save lives they are true hero's.

I'm so heartbroken... All this hate and violence.

[Nammu]

I’ve not seen the news today. Sunday’s are my days off. I don’t get dressed I watch the most mindless thing on or read. I’m watching wipeout, a truly mindless show. All in good fun. I can’t fathom people who do wanton destruction.

[Moose72]

After a little of being awake when I got home from driving N3 around at 6:15 this morning I got back into bed and "crashed". Had a really nice long "nap" and didn't feel that I'd over slept. It felt good!

[*Beth*]

I've been following the bombing, but your update is much more detailed than the news is, Christina. What a tragic mess. So much loss and destruction.

[Moose72]

In bed early. Took a very long nap today and I needed it. Reading. Going to sleep relatively soon.

[Soupe du jour]

We arrived in Tallahassee, Florida earlier this evening and will stay in the area for two nights, so that gives us a little break. We did go to Publix grocery store and bought fresh vegetables, fruit, and some easy meals to have in the room or car. Some people might laugh if they saw how relieved and satisfied I was with a huge box of prepped fresh veggies and grape tomatoes. For dinner, we simply had sliced deli rare roast beef, tabbouleh salad, and sliced artisan whole grain bread with a little butter. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Hubby has a phone therapy appointment with his therapist tomorrow night. I don't even know if she is aware that he'll be in Florida. She's in New Jersey. I quit my therapist over a week ago. I wasn't getting anything from her anymore. I still have video sessions with my psychiatrist, and will even for a bit after our move to Europe. I did not tell him that I quit my therapist. He wouldn't approve. I can honestly tell him that I have a therapy appointment with a Czech therapist, at the end of January. He'll like that.

[*Beth*]

Soupe du jour - Sounds like a delicious dinner that should be good for your stomach.

Day started out alright and went downhill from there. By the time work was over, I was in tears. Again. I feel completely crap about myself. I can't do anything right. I get completely overwhelmed which only seems to exasperate everyone around me. Like I choose it. When it started to spin out of control, I even asked for help. Nope. It's kind of hard sometimes not to think people *want* me to fail. I'm definitely the "whipping boy". It just gets really hard to take. I just have to pretend like it's all alright. No room for weakness. I'm too disposable for that, and there's no one to fall back on.

I asked for re-referral to psych a few months ago (they don't just keep you in it, yeah, weird). It's been approved for some time, and what do I do? Nothing. I feel SO stuck. Like, what's the point? I suck.

I'm really trying.

TG I'm only on for 4 days then off for 3 again. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for listening.