[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Day started out alright and went downhill from there. By the time work was over, I was in tears. Again. I feel completely crap about myself. I can't do anything right. I get completely overwhelmed which only seems to exasperate everyone around me. Like I choose it. When it started to spin out of control, I even asked for help. Nope. It's kind of hard sometimes not to think people *want* me to fail. I'm definitely the "whipping boy". It just gets really hard to take. I just have to pretend like it's all alright. No room for weakness. I'm too disposable for that, and there's no one to fall back on.

I asked for re-referral to psych a few months ago (they don't just keep you in it, yeah, weird). It's been approved for some time, and what do I do? Nothing. I feel SO stuck. Like, what's the point? I suck.

I'm really trying.

TG I'm only on for 4 days then off for 3 again. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sad to hear you beat up on yourself.

What is the first step you need to take to connect with psych?

Originally Posted by BethRags

I am so sad to hear you beat up on yourself.

What is the first step you need to take to connect with psych?

You are so sweet, Beth, thank you. I know it's bad to do, but it's just so hard when that's what it feels like, you know? Sink or swim is just so scary when things start falling apart. I keep telling myself "CBT it"! But it's all just too real. Hard to contradict in any remotely believable way.

Just need to call and set up an appointment. Yeah, just that simple. But I feel like I haven't moved one iota forward since I stopped seeing them months ago. And feel like I'll just be repeating myself. And paying to do so. Ugh. Not really "feeling" the whole video thing either. It's ..... alright I guess. Somehow it feels like it should be discounted from in-person prices though, you know?

Therefore, procrastination.

It was kind of funny: i felt lonely for a man tonight and in my next online Scrabble game i made the play PARTNERS! Ironic. I feel scared without a man. It's unreasonable and irrational. I know it's just from evolution where the man was the protector. I'm doing fine on my own. The fear is just a legacy emotion. I have good security here in my home. I'm stable on mild to moderate depression. There's no reason why i can't continue to live this way until my fated death. And i have my lovely dog for snuggles!

@Innerzone: I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you at work. I found work overwhelming too. I'm on private disability benefits. Is that an option for you?

@Soupe du jour: So glad you found some good food options. It's sort of like you're picnicking and that can be so pleasant. Bon appetit!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[unlived]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I don’t feel too good today. I took 240 milligrams of Geodon last night on purpose. I’m prescribed 80. Then I ate dinner so they could dissolve faster. I fell asleep until 5:30 and now I’m drowsy, my head hurts, my vision is blurry, and my stomach is a mess. I was just so depressed last night.

Do you realise that Geodon has a pretty dangerous heart complication called long QT syndrome and it’s often dose dependent? You could end up killing yourself.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

You are so sweet, Beth, thank you. I know it's bad to do, but it's just so hard when that's what it feels like, you know? Sink or swim is just so scary when things start falling apart. I keep telling myself "CBT it"! But it's all just too real. Hard to contradict in any remotely believable way.

Just need to call and set up an appointment. Yeah, just that simple. But I feel like I haven't moved one iota forward since I stopped seeing them months ago. And feel like I'll just be repeating myself. And paying to do so. Ugh. Not really "feeling" the whole video thing either. It's ..... alright I guess. Somehow it feels like it should be discounted from in-person prices though, you know?

Therefore, procrastination.

You're not procrastinating, you're hesitating. To me, there's a big difference. Like you say, you're not feeling parts of it. Maybe it would be helpful, if for nothing else, to vent? That in itself can take a load off your daily stress.


The teletherapy thing - I agree, I believe there should be a discount. I've been doing teletherapy for 8 months now and while I'm glad it's an option, it is not the same as IRL therapy, no way! I'm on SSDI so my therapy is free, so I feel really fortunate about that.

[*Beth*]

Today is my birthday

58. I don't feel like I look 58, but I do feel 58. Absolutely no plans except a therapy session, since everything is closed down except for delivery. Well, grocery stores are open...guess I could go to a grocery store for my b-day? Hmm..... somehow that doesn't sound terribly memorable. I think I'll order pancakes for breakfast to be delivered.

Oh, well. My therapist sent me a beautiful card, and I'll call my best friend, in Texas, this afternoon.

[MuddyBoots]

Happy Birthday, Beth!!!!!!

[MuddyBoots]

Appointment with pnurse actually wasn't too bad. She still wants me taking quetiapine for some reason but only 100mg in the morning and 100mg at night. Asked me a lot of "how often" questions to see if I have ADHD and after I answered "often" or "very often" to every single question she's like "yeah, we'll set you up for a thorough evaluation." I hope this requires no super duper effort on my part because I can't even make appointments with my therapist apparently.

Also, I am abandoning pi. It's tau (2pi) from now on.

[Soupe du jour]

Happy Birthday, BethRags! Is there a special movie you could watch? Or something else special?

[Soupe du jour]

Sapien, that sounds good that they ordered an indepth evaluation. I hope no matter what, some useful info will come of it.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Today is my birthday

58. I don't feel like I look 58, but I do feel 58. Absolutely no plans except a therapy session, since everything is closed down except for delivery. Well, grocery stores are open...guess I could go to a grocery store for my b-day? Hmm..... somehow that doesn't sound terribly memorable. I think I'll order pancakes for breakfast to be delivered.

Oh, well. My therapist sent me a beautiful card, and I'll call my best friend, in Texas, this afternoon.

Happy birthday!

Happy Birthday, Beth!!


(Now were are the same age again!)

Pancakes sound great! I know you love music. How about playing some of your favorite music? Dance around maybe?

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you have a great day!!

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Innerzone: I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you at work. I found work overwhelming too. I'm on private disability benefits. Is that an option for you?

Thanks, whatever. Alas, neither private nor public is an option. I spent 4 grueling years trying in a timeframe in which I was doing very badly mentally and physically. I ran out my savings during 6-ish months that I was utterly incapable of work. Which forced me back into some degree of work (I have very limited work skills), but not enough to survive without public assistance. The only other option was to literally live on the streets. That is unacceptable to me. Long/short, there is no one to support me and as long as you are doing anything, no matter how limited or unsustainable, you are considered just fine. I am pretty bitter about how I was treated. Even being over 50 didn't help me.

I am thankful that I managed to get a job I (generally) like once I hit a good patch. There are just some (unfortunately non-negotiable) things that are very challenging and stressful for me. And i get very anxious how that's going to play out over time. Especially when things are going badly. And I do not believe I will ever be able to retire, so, as far as I can see it, I'll eventually just drop dead working and being stressed out like this.

Sorry, got on a bit of a rant...

[lightly toasted]

A Very Happy Birthday, Beth!

[Nammu]

Happy birthday 🎂🎊🎁🎈 Beth

[*Beth*]

Thanks for all the birthday wishes They mean a lot to me.


Soupe, I will watch a movie today if I have a chance. If not, I'll watch one soon.

[Mountaindewed]

I emailed my case manager this morning. I told her about taking too many meds Saturday because I was depressed. I told her my mom had control of my meds. I told her I for sure needed to see my Pdoc and my anxiety was so high. I participated a lot in group. I told the group what had been going on. Then my case manager called and I spilled my guts to her about everything and I was honest. She’s putting Pdoc on high alert to call me. Hopefully he does this afternoon. I don’t feel the need to go inpatient. I’m not sure what he’ll think though. But hopefully he can increase at least one of the meds I’m already on. I got into an argument with my mom about stuff afterwards. I swear all she cares about is how long it takes to drive somewhere and money. She doesn’t seem to think of what’s best for me or my brother either. I really don’t like feeling like this.

[Mountaindewed]

Pdoc just called. He was freaking out that he couldn’t reach me for 4 days because of a wrong number. He said “thank god I’ve reached you.” I told him that I had taken 240 milligrams of Geodon Saturday night. He asked me how I felt after that. He seems to think I’m having panic attacks right before I do things like that. He’s raising my Geodon from 80 at night to a 100. I asked him to do that. Then he said he’s going to switch me to a medium release Xanax and he told me to take 2 a day instead of 1. I never dared to ever ask him for an increase in Xanax before so I’m glad he suggested it. So hopefully things will improve in the next week. I do very well when my Geodon is increased correctly. And he knows without me saying it that I refuse to be on meds that will cause weight gain. It went well but I was on the phone for only 5 minutes. Maybe he can just assess the situation and then he just goes from there. I don’t think he asked me if I was currently suicidal. Although I had told my case manager earlier today I wasn’t. So maybe they are talking. Oh well. He’s odd but he did what I wanted and I did tell him about Saturday.

H@pPy BiRtHd@Y Beth!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Happy Birthday Beth!

[Blue_Bird]

Happy birthday Beth!! I hope you have a wonderful day

[Bugtussel]

Happy Birthday Beth!! I hope you enjoy your day!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Pdoc just called. He was freaking out that he couldn’t reach me for 4 days because of a wrong number. He said “thank god I’ve reached you.” I told him that I had taken 240 milligrams of Geodon Saturday night. He asked me how I felt after that. He seems to think I’m having panic attacks right before I do things like that. He’s raising my Geodon from 80 at night to a 100. I asked him to do that. Then he said he’s going to switch me to a medium release Xanax and he told me to take 2 a day instead of 1. I never dared to ever ask him for an increase in Xanax before so I’m glad he suggested it. So hopefully things will improve in the next week. I do very well when my Geodon is increased correctly. And he knows without me saying it that I refuse to be on meds that will cause weight gain. It went well but I was on the phone for only 5 minutes. Maybe he can just assess the situation and then he just goes from there. I don’t think he asked me if I was currently suicidal. Although I had told my case manager earlier today I wasn’t. So maybe they are talking. Oh well. He’s odd but he did what I wanted and I did tell him about Saturday.

I'm glad to read that you heard from your psychiatrist. It seems you are happy with his new directions.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I emailed my case manager this morning. I told her about taking too many meds Saturday because I was depressed. I told her my mom had control of my meds. I told her I for sure needed to see my Pdoc and my anxiety was so high. I participated a lot in group. I told the group what had been going on. Then my case manager called and I spilled my guts to her about everything and I was honest. She’s putting Pdoc on high alert to call me. Hopefully he does this afternoon. I don’t feel the need to go inpatient. I’m not sure what he’ll think though. But hopefully he can increase at least one of the meds I’m already on. I got into an argument with my mom about stuff afterwards. I swear all she cares about is how long it takes to drive somewhere and money. She doesn’t seem to think of what’s best for me or my brother either. I really don’t like feeling like this.

I'm so glad you reached out, Md.

[Mountaindewed]

Yeah my Pdoc is kinda weird but he’s more like a medical doctor and will prescribe whatever the patient needs in order not to feel bad. He’s a huge pill pusher which I actually prefer in a Pdoc since I do not like feeling any type of strong mental health emotion. I’ve had Pdocs before who just said “go talk to your therapist about it.”

I caught a bug I think from my brother in law. We both started feeling sick at the same time even though we didn’t know each other was sick. I’ve been in my room all day and they were downstairs and just now left. My temp was 98.9 before Tylenol, 98.7 after. But I just have this bad feeling in my lungs when I breathe and a slight cough. I thought everyone was being so careful.

Maybe that’s why I was so distressed Saturday and Sunday. Because I was about to get sick. I was stable for almost 2 weeks and had no explanation to my case manager or doctor about why I felt so bad this weekend