[Soupe du jour]

Today I experienced something familiar. In the morning, I felt slightly elated, though I don't know if I'd call that hypomanic elation. More like that feeling one gets when spring has finally come, the air is ultra clean and fresh-smelling (almost body cleansing), and the sun shines bright with trees starting to blossom. Umm, spring fever. Then, as the day (or week) progresses, that elation sometimes fades a bit and I feel slightly unwell, with a mild light-headedness and seemingly indiscernible anxiety behind it. The less desirable feeling really kicked in when Hubby and I went to a laundromat this afternoon. The heat became uncomfortable. It was, as is often in the late spring, a shock to my system. After all, I came from freezing cold New Jersey where a foot of snow had fallen the week before. As we progressed south in our journey, the temps obviously became milder. Today, I saw the outside temp reading in our car reach 73 F (23 C). I'm sure the temps in the laundromat were much higher.

Now we're finally back to our hotel room. I asked if we could go straight back after the laundry duty. I'm feeling slightly better in the cooler environment, and in a much appreciated horizontal position, lounging on the bed. It is possible my mood may elevate in this "pre-mature" spring. I'll have to watch it. Spring is my "danger period" in terms of the manic side of the illness.

The weather was stunning, indeed. We went to a lovely park called Alfred B. Maclay Gardens State Park in Tallahassee, FL. The park name above includes a link to photos. Camellias were blooming and there was lots of fern, azalea bushes, and beautiful southern live oaks (large oak trees with Spanish moss hanging).

[daladico]

Was in a depressive phase for a couple of weeks. Thankfully out of it now

Also thankful that holiday stress is over

Extra thankful for the support people I have in my life.

Went snowshoeing yesterday and it was so beautiful and calming

Had planned on getting a lot of housework done today but that didn’t happen. Did get a good walk in and listened to some good podcasts though!

Now *hopefully* on to laundry...

[daladico]

Happy Birthday Beth!!! 🥳🥳

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by daladico

Was in a depressive phase for a couple of weeks. Thankfully out of it now

Also thankful that holiday stress is over

Extra thankful for the support people I have in my life.

Went snowshoeing yesterday and it was so beautiful and calming

Had planned on getting a lot of housework done today but that didn’t happen. Did get a good walk in and listened to some good podcasts though!

Now *hopefully* on to laundry...

Beautiful nature! Thanks for sharing the photo, daladico.

[Moose72]

Today was my phone call from my case manager for my yearly whatever-it-is. She asked me how much my symptoms have been bothering me lately and when the last time I have been hospitalized. Then she looked it up and told me it was 2016. She kept asking questions and the more she did the more I felt like I was defending my illness. Like I had to PROVE that I haven't miraculously become healed since last year! She asked how do I deal with my suicidal thoughts. I told her I still have depression anxiety and mania. Again, it felt like I was digging for symptoms and that I was almost lying- just because I felt I was taking an exam and in danger of failing with each new query. She said my last hospitalization was 2016. And I said that there have been times since then when my pdoc wanted to hospitalize me but. Didn't because she wanted to see if she could fix it herself! This conversation lasted over an hour! I felt I was on trial. I remember doing this same interview last year in person with my old case manager and it seemed simple. She asked about my money situation, was I on section 8, and food stamps, and SSI and such. Felt humiliating! Even though I depend on these things, just talking about them made me feel uneasy that they were going to be taken away! So now I feel anxious. I feel like things are better now that I've moved and she picked up on this and asked me if that were true and I said yes in the last few months things have gotten a little easier. Still I'm left feeling like they won't accept me to receive services at the community mental heal services building anymore. Last time I did this- last year- it was no big deal. She asked who I go to when I'm feeling out of sorts and asked do I do crafts when I'm not feeling good and I said no I more listen to music. And she pointed out that Im not in church choir anymore and I said its a matter of no in person rehearsals and all I have is zoom on my phone and I can't see/hear everyone I'm talking/singing with like that. Plus Christopher got mad at me for not taking as many pictures as he does and that I have talent. The truth is that I have no subjects. No friends or family to take photos of what with covid. Is that just an excuse? Is this post just rambling? Does it even make sense?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Today I experienced something familiar. In the morning, I felt slightly elated, though I don't know if I'd call that hypomanic elation. More like that feeling one gets when spring has finally come, the air is ultra clean and fresh-smelling (almost body cleansing), and the sun shines bright with trees starting to blossom. Umm, spring fever. Then, as the day (or week) progresses, that elation sometimes fades a bit and I feel slightly unwell, with a mild light-headedness and seemingly indiscernible anxiety behind it. The less desirable feeling really kicked in when Hubby and I went to a laundromat this afternoon. The heat became uncomfortable. It was, as is often in the late spring, a shock to my system. After all, I came from freezing cold New Jersey where a foot of snow had fallen the week before. As we progressed south in our journey, the temps obviously became milder. Today, I saw the outside temp reading in our car reach 73 F (23 C). I'm sure the temps in the laundromat were much higher.

Now we're finally back to our hotel room. I asked if we could go straight back after the laundry duty. I'm feeling slightly better in the cooler environment, and in a much appreciated horizontal position, lounging on the bed. It is possible my mood may elevate in this "pre-mature" spring. I'll have to watch it. Spring is my "danger period" in terms of the manic side of the illness.

The weather was stunning, indeed. We went to a lovely park called Alfred B. Maclay Gardens State Park in Tallahassee, FL. The park name above includes a link to photos. Camellias were blooming and there was lots of fern, azalea bushes, and beautiful southern live oaks (large oak trees with Spanish moss hanging).

Whoa, all the temperature changes would have a profound effect on me, too. Smart to return to your room and lie down.

Thank you for the link! What a gorgeous place. I find the southern live oaks fascinating. We have huge, magnificent oaks here, but no Spanish moss - I think that requires humid conditions.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by daladico

Was in a depressive phase for a couple of weeks. Thankfully out of it now

Also thankful that holiday stress is over

Extra thankful for the support people I have in my life.

Went snowshoeing yesterday and it was so beautiful and calming

Had planned on getting a lot of housework done today but that didn’t happen. Did get a good walk in and listened to some good podcasts though!

Now *hopefully* on to laundry...

Snowshoeing looks like beautiful fun! Peaceful. Now, that's something I'd like to try - skiing is not my thing.

I'm glad your depression has lifted.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Today was my phone call from my case manager for my yearly whatever-it-is. She asked me how much my symptoms have been bothering me lately and when the last time I have been hospitalized. Then she looked it up and told me it was 2016. She kept asking questions and the more she did the more I felt like I was defending my illness. Like I had to PROVE that I haven't miraculously become healed since last year! She asked how do I deal with my suicidal thoughts. I told her I still have depression anxiety and mania. Again, it felt like I was digging for symptoms and that I was almost lying- just because I felt I was taking an exam and in danger of failing with each new query. She said my last hospitalization was 2016. And I said that there have been times since then when my pdoc wanted to hospitalize me but. Didn't because she wanted to see if she could fix it herself! This conversation lasted over an hour! I felt I was on trial. I remember doing this same interview last year in person with my old case manager and it seemed simple. She asked about my money situation, was I on section 8, and food stamps, and SSI and such. Felt humiliating! Even though I depend on these things, just talking about them made me feel uneasy that they were going to be taken away! So now I feel anxious. I feel like things are better now that I've moved and she picked up on this and asked me if that were true and I said yes in the last few months things have gotten a little easier. Still I'm left feeling like they won't accept me to receive services at the community mental heal services building anymore. Last time I did this- last year- it was no big deal. She asked who I go to when I'm feeling out of sorts and asked do I do crafts when I'm not feeling good and I said no I more listen to music. And she pointed out that Im not in church choir anymore and I said its a matter of no in person rehearsals and all I have is zoom on my phone and I can't see/hear everyone I'm talking/singing with like that. Plus Christopher got mad at me for not taking as many pictures as he does and that I have talent. The truth is that I have no subjects. No friends or family to take photos of what with covid. Is that just an excuse? Is this post just rambling? Does it even make sense?

Your post makes perfect sense, Moose. I'm really sorry you got stuck with such a stickler. Those types of interrogations are difficult enough without feeling like you're on trial. My guess, based upon what I've heard from many others and from my own experience, is that all of your benefits will remain. The case-whatever just sounds like she's super bureaucratic. YUCK.

[~Christina]

Love and Hugs to everyone. Sorry I am not being of much support and help lately. Just really struggling right now on numerous levels.

Hopefully I will get my mojo back soon !

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Today is my birthday

58. I don't feel like I look 58, but I do feel 58. Absolutely no plans except a therapy session, since everything is closed down except for delivery. Well, grocery stores are open...guess I could go to a grocery store for my b-day? Hmm..... somehow that doesn't sound terribly memorable. I think I'll order pancakes for breakfast to be delivered.

Oh, well. My therapist sent me a beautiful card, and I'll call my best friend, in Texas, this afternoon.

Happy birthday 🎈 Beth!!!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Your post makes perfect sense, Moose. I'm really sorry you got stuck with such a stickler. Those types of interrogations are difficult enough without feeling like you're on trial. My guess, based upon what I've heard from many others and from my own experience, is that all of your benefits will remain. The case-whatever just sounds like she's super bureaucratic. YUCK.

Happy Birthday!

[scatterbrained04]

Heading back to work today after being on vacation for a little over a week. A bit anxious about it. I'm sure I have stuff piled all over my desk. Had a pretty good last 3 days or so. Trying to relax a bit and then I think I'm going to go in a little earlier than normal.

[*Beth*]

Thanks to each of you for the birthday wishes They really made my day happy

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I will soon set out from Tallahassee, Florida to the coast of Alabama, continuing our road trip. The weather looks lovely again today.

We really need to contact our real estate lawyer and ask what's going on. We had hoped to hear something yesterday, but didn't. Now that Christmas is over with, we really wish the closing date would be set. Our real estate lawyer said he'd be putting pressure on to get it done before January 2021. I'm worried that it might not.

I'm almost getting tired of this road trip. I wish the closing would be over with and that we could just fly to Czech Republic already. A barrier, however, is that covid-19 restrictions are quite strict again there, and in much of Europe.

[*Beth*]

2 years ago I experienced the worst manic episode I've ever had. As a result, I viciously verbally attacked both my cousin and my daughter. I hadn't communicated with my cousin since then. My daughter stopped communicating with me. Yesterday, it came through someone else that my cousin had wished me a happy birthday. I've taken a big chance and messaged her on Facebook. I've explained to her that I have bipolar disorder, etc., etc.

She's the first person in my extended family that I've told about my BD. I'm trying not to stress myself too much about it, but I hope she'll accept my apology.

Last night I had a wonderful talk with my son. He sounds so whole, so healthy. There are times when it slams into me, how much BD has impacted my life (in addition to childhood abuse). My kids are so normal.

It's hard to have to hide myself, hoping that I won't, at some point, lose control and frighten and alienate someone else.

[Blue_Bird]

My doctor is starting me on Topamax to help with the bingeing/purging. So I'm nervous about that, but hopeful. I chose to have my prescription delivered rather than pick it up in the pharmacy so I probably won't be starting it till this weekend or whenever it comes in the mail. I always get freaked out about taking new meds.

My anxiety has been much better. I haven't had a panic attack in 8 days which is major improvement for me as for the past year or so I had been having them almost every day or every other day.

I'm excited about 2021. I have lots of goals and am feeling very inspired to make it a wonderful productive year. I'm not doing much NYE, just staying up, playing my game, eating some brownies I plan on baking. Then on New Years Day I'm getting Chinese takeout. Sweet and sour chicken, pork fried rice, and an egg roll with a Pepsi. I almost always do that each year.

On Friday my last payment will be made towards what I owe my college and then I can re-enroll!! For the fall, which is definitely quite a ways away, but still it will be great to be taking classes again. I'll be doing everything online of course unless things change with covid, but who knows. Anyway, I'm excited!

[Mountaindewed]

I had a good day today. It was the first time I was able to leave my house in 14 days because I had to quarantine for Christmas. I went to Walgreens at 8AM and found the new chocolate mocha Kit Kat’s and a few bottles of soda. Then I went to a couple polish grocery stores and I got this brand of candy I like called Kinder. I got a few different kinds and also a tube of European Smarties which are like hard M&Ms. I also got some green onion Cheetos and a European Milky Way. I came home and had group which was easy and I participated and did well. Then after group I did a bit more running around trying to find the new Mountain Dew. But yeah today was the best day in awhile. It’s tough not leaving the house for 14 days.

I got some Vick’s Vapobath crystals so I plan on trying it out tomorrow. Hopefully it helps with anxiety but mine was under control today. I have been sleeping amazingly this past week with my sleep mask and my other night coping skills.

I started my new meds last night. I know it’s too early to tell but I feel like the Xanax is helping. And also the increase in Geodon at least last night did not affect my hunger and today my hunger has been fine.

I’m not sure what that bug was about yesterday. But I took a Tylenol and a Pepcid and I felt fine this morning. It was weird that my brother in law and I both got it at the same time.

[Moose72]

I have 5 appointments this month alone. Pdoc plus another pdoc - plus a 3rd on 2/3 - plus a mammogram, plus my new case manager is calling me back. Plus Noah's. He finally called and got an appointment but he hasn't told me when it is! Ugh. I so HOPE he really did get the appointment! I fear that he didn't.

[MuddyBoots]

Going skiing tonight! First true day on skis of the season! Stoked!!!

Got therapy in about an hour too. Less excited for that. I didn't know I had an appointment but I got two reminder calls yesterday so I guess I do.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Going skiing tonight! First true day on skis of the season! Stoked!!!

Got therapy in about an hour too. Less excited for that. I didn't know I had an appointment but I got two reminder calls yesterday so I guess I do.

Have a blast!

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m so awfully depressed. It started last Tuesday at the moderate level. Then it was at a mild level up until yesterday. Then a straight plummet into moderate severe by Monday AM. I am not sure why. I thought last Tuesday was just hormonal but that should have moved on by now. Monday night I had a dream about self harm. Every time I have a dream like that I wake up distressed.

I was very low yesterday morning but got excited when I saw two houses up for sale in my son’s district. I tried to get in contact with our loan officer but they said they’d call back in 24-48 hours. So maybe today. The two houses are nice looking in pictures but houses are being snapped up quick in my area so even if we get approved for a larger loan it might turn out that the houses already accepted offers.

By nightfall I was horribly low and distressed again. High anxiety. I felt out of control with anxiety and emotion and I held on to RS for quite a long time as if my life depended on it. Didn’t tell him exactly why, I’m still not good at that. But I was so overwhelmed all I want to do was harm myself or take more meds to put me to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

Eventually after I took two Xanax (my prescribed amount) I calmed down enough to fall asleep but I feel terrible this morning as well. I just want to curl up under my blankets. I’m going to try to be productive since there’s still a lot of Christmas cleanup to be done but right now all I can do I think is sit in this chair.

[Soupe du jour]

I am OK, but still frustrated that we still have no set closing day. We talked to our real estate lawyer who is going to be pushing for one, with penalty for too much delay. I'm thinking it will end up happening in January. I think I would even be enjoying our road trip more if it happened already. Then at least we'd officially have the money for it. Also, our realtor has sowed so much confusion by her lack of proper communications with us. A few days back, I even mentioned that to her in a text, but she continued. I reminded her that we are first time sellers, not seasoned ones. We don't read minds. She has twice texted statements that almost sounded like accusations that we screwed up or neglected to do some things. All throughout, there has been a lack of communications from both her and the lawyer. What the heck are we paying them so much for?

Maye four or five times I suggested our realtor contact my husband instead of me. For one thing, my cell phone's microphone is having issues. For another, I am more easily angered than him. It is the fact that I wrote the above-mentioned statements to her in texts, though at least consulted with my husband before sending them. They were stated in a slightly less harsh way, but still stated.

We're in a lovely beach area of Alabama today along the Alabama Coastal Connection Scenic Byway. Partly sunny.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m so awfully depressed. It started last Tuesday at the moderate level. Then it was at a mild level up until yesterday. Then a straight plummet into moderate severe by Monday AM. I am not sure why. I thought last Tuesday was just hormonal but that should have moved on by now. Monday night I had a dream about self harm. Every time I have a dream like that I wake up distressed.

I was very low yesterday morning but got excited when I saw two houses up for sale in my son’s district. I tried to get in contact with our loan officer but they said they’d call back in 24-48 hours. So maybe today. The two houses are nice looking in pictures but houses are being snapped up quick in my area so even if we get approved for a larger loan it might turn out that the houses already accepted offers.

By nightfall I was horribly low and distressed again. High anxiety. I felt out of control with anxiety and emotion and I held on to RS for quite a long time as if my life depended on it. Didn’t tell him exactly why, I’m still not good at that. But I was so overwhelmed all I want to do was harm myself or take more meds to put me to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

Eventually after I took two Xanax (my prescribed amount) I calmed down enough to fall asleep but I feel terrible this morning as well. I just want to curl up under my blankets. I’m going to try to be productive since there’s still a lot of Christmas cleanup to be done but right now all I can do I think is sit in this chair.

I'm so sorry, wfc. Maybe time for a med adjustment?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I am OK, but still frustrated that we still have no set closing day. We talked to our real estate lawyer who is going to be pushing for one, with penalty for too much delay. I'm thinking it will end up happening in January. I think I would even be enjoying our road trip more if it happened already. Then at least we'd officially have the money for it. Also, our realtor has sowed so much confusion by her lack of proper communications with us. A few days back, I even mentioned that to her in a text, but she continued. I reminded her that we are first time sellers, not seasoned ones. We don't read minds. She has twice texted statements that almost sounded like accusations that we screwed up or neglected to so some things. All throughout, there has been a lack of communications from both her and the lawyer. What the heck are we paying them so much for?

We're in a lovely beach area of Alabama today along the Alabama Coastal Connection Scenic Byway. Partly sunny.

Would the delay have anything to do with the holidays? It seems like for many people the last 2 weeks of the year are check out time.

[*Beth*]

I'd be doing well enough, except that one of my cats, Solomon, keeps sneezing. He's always been prone to sneezing and seems sensitive to allergens. But for the past couple of months he's been sneezing quite a lot. In every other way he's just fine. I'm trying to figure out what could be causing an allergic reaction and removing it from the environment. Also boiling water on the stove to hydrate the very dry air.

During the night I got the idea that he has nasal cancer and I started worrying. Obsessing. I could feel myself worrying in my sleep. I feel like I awoke exhausted. The thing is, Sol doesn't even have symptoms to really justify the trauma and expense of a vet visit. I hope he stops sneezing so I can stop obsessing. Another one of my cats, Sid, was sneezing some for a few days, but now she isn't. So they might both be reacting to the dry air.