[Soupe du jour]

Mountaindewed, based on past posts and your most recent posts, it sounds like you need to have medications of abuse removed from your medication cabinet. An advantage of IP is that there you can have them removed much faster and safer, with close monitoring from hospital staff. It also signals that you mean business. Though I know the prospect of losing such meds (like Xanax) is frightening, you wouldn't be in any different situation than a person needing to stop heroine, crack cocaine, or alcohol. For sure losing such "crutches" is extraordinarily challenging, but it must be done for many. It does/can get done. To replace such dangerous crutches, coping skills have to be mastered and support becomes crucial. If a place like this (My Support Forums) isn't fully enough (seeming isn't), then perhaps a 12-Step group might help, as an add-on. Most are now conducted online, and some were even before the covid pandemic.

When you continue putting your life/wellness at risk abusing drugs, what are we supposed to keep writing, but get proper help. Frequent commiseration and encouragement doesn't do it! There comes a time when enough is enough with that. You must take action. You! There is a slang phrase that goes "S*** or get off the pot." I won't apologize for being forthright. I know what I'm talking about on this topic. Addicts/abusers must also often leave behind enablers and triggers. You might want to think who/what might be such people/things. For example, does your therapist help or hurt? If she doesn't help, find a new one already. Such a topic can be addressed during inpatient therapy. Inpatient social workers can help you make changes (i.e. get a new therapist/psychiatrist or hone coping skills).

[Soupe du jour]

It's the first full day Hubby and I have the house to ourselves, and no major errands to run. We'll take it easy, but I plan to do a little cleaning.

We've had our TV with cable operational for days now, but only the handymen were watching it. Last night, Hubby and I watched some. I think doing so will help me in learning the language.

I wanted to go for a walk today, but the forecast is crappy with rain. Tomorrow and the next day snow. I think Thursday should be fine. That is the day our stuff might arrive. Might.

It's been interesting how my sister and I have grown closer over the last few years. Of course I've always loved and liked her, but we've become more like friends. She's 6 1/2 years older than me, and we were both always so busy until more recently. I'm really liking the new closeness. She said she is, too.

[kala83]

I am not having all that much mania at least if I am I'm not noticing it.
however my depression has been at all time high and some days I can place a finger on it some days I can't but it has not seemed to go away just seems to linger there following me wanting to bullyt me into feeling badly

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m still laying in bed. I took a shower and did the dishes, I figure that’s enough for now. I’m feeling very guilty because I’m not doing more. Even though RS never yells at me or blames me, I’m sure he gets annoyed.

I had another VERY violent SH dream this morning right before I woke up. Shook me. Involved other people attacking each other and me huddling in my own chair attacking myself, and then crying and asking my therapist wtf she was thinking bringing me here.

I did a good job deep breathing when I got home to calm myself. It didn’t do much good when RS put his arm around me but hey, I tried.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by kala83

I am not having all that much mania at least if I am I'm not noticing it.
however my depression has been at all time high and some days I can place a finger on it some days I can't but it has not seemed to go away just seems to linger there following me wanting to bullyt me into feeling badly

I'm sorry to read that your depression has been persistent, kala83. Probably a touch of hypomania would be welcome, I would think.

You truly have a mother load of dxs. Which one gives you the biggest challenge?

[MuddyBoots]

Back hurts, hip hurts. The only thing I can think of is that fall I took skiing. My hip and leg are still bruised from that, but it's just weird it would start to hurt so many days later. I feel fine mentally, but it does feel quite "blah" compared to the past couple weeks. I'm tempted to stop the lithium so I can go back to sucking the marrow out of life. I promised my pnurse that I'd take it as prescribed, but I'm not her patient anymore.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Md, this could certainly be just me, but even though I take melatonin sometimes it makes me feel weird, even kinda sick. Especially more than 5mg. And off-balance. I really don't like it much.

Yeah melatonin is weird. Especially the more you take. I have the fast dissolving kind and that always makes me feel funny.

I think I was having a reaction to the Benadryl I took yesterday and then the day before was a reaction to the melatonin I took on Wednesday night. I was also pretty depressed on Thursday. I have a lot to talk to with my therapist. But today I feel ok. I got coffee, I’m getting my Saturday chores done and I even exercised. So there’s definite improvement from these last 3 days.

I planned out my meal plan that the dietician and I worked on And I plan on following that even if I’m not hungry.

I’m going to my aunts later for dinner. I’ll eat before though. I think seeing my family may help a ton with my depression.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

MD I am worried about your taking so many sedatives at once! I think you should go IP- maybe regular ER first?

I’m ok right now. I just slept a lot. What concerns me is this happens when I deal with PMS and since I PMS every month, this will happen every month.

My gynecologist said there’s basically nothing she can do personally. She referred me to another hospital. I’m not sure surgery will help but this scares me every time it happens and I can’t be on hormonal birth control which helped control my PMDD for many years.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Mountaindewed, based on past posts and your most recent posts, it sounds like you need to have medications of abuse removed from your medication cabinet. An advantage of IP is that there you can have them removed much faster and safer, with close monitoring from hospital staff. It also signals that you mean business. Though I know the prospect of losing such meds (like Xanax) is frightening, you wouldn't be in any different situation than a person needing to stop heroine, crack cocaine, or alcohol. For sure losing such "crutches" is extraordinarily challenging, but it must be done for many. It does/can get done. To replace such dangerous crutches, coping skills have to be mastered and support becomes crucial. If a place like this (My Support Forums) isn't fully enough (seeming isn't), then perhaps a 12-Step group might help, as an add-on. Most are now conducted online, and some were even before the covid pandemic.

When you continue putting your life/wellness at risk abusing drugs, what are we supposed to keep writing, but get proper help. Frequent commiseration and encouragement doesn't do it! There comes a time when enough is enough with that. You must take action. You! There is a slang phrase that goes "S*** or get off the pot." I won't apologize for being forthright. I know what I'm talking about on this topic. Addicts/abusers must also often leave behind enablers and triggers. You might want to think who/what might be such people/things. For example, does your therapist help or hurt? If she doesn't help, find a new one already. Such a topic can be addressed during inpatient therapy. Inpatient social workers can help you make changes (i.e. get a new therapist/psychiatrist or hone coping skills).

Honestly your right. I’ve been so down in the dumps about my therapist these last several days. She’s been my main source of depression. I do plan on talking to her about the medication and taking too much and see what she has to say. I’ll be honest with her and I’ll follow her suggestions. If she suggests I go IP then I’ll know she and my Pdoc can get me into the good one. I’ve followed their suggestions before when they wanted me to do IOP.

But I want to talk with her first on Tuesday. And if she wants me to go IP I will seriously go.

My anxiety got so out of control yesterday specifically because of the Benadryl. Which I know now to throw away and not take it anymore.

[wildflowerchild25]

I compromised and used a safety pin. Much less dangerous and out of control. I’m starting to get another vision, one that would be hard to accomplish but not impossible.

There is absolutely no point at all of going IP or to php/IOP. There’s nothing they can teach me that might therapist can’t. I don’t need a med change, I need a brain change. I’ll just be stuck somewhere and humiliated once again. And no visitors due to covid, and wearing a damn mask all day. No point at all.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Struggling severely. Basically just trying to survive at this point. During work I was so upset and the only thing I could think to do was write. So I grabbed some paper from the closet and just wrote. After a couple of hours I finally calmed down enough. I didn’t turn in my one to one log or do the work I’m supposed to do. I will apologize to my teacher. My supervisor won’t notice the missing log right away.

My brain is telling me to do terrible things but I keep beating in back. In a way, it’s actually protecting me by giving me visions of the one thing I cannot do because I do not have access. I’m getting that itchy feeling on my arms. That’s why I got the forearm tattoos though, of course. Can’t ruin expensive art.

Writing was such a wise action to take! I have forearm (and hand) tattoos, too.

What else do you think (healthy action) would help you at this time?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I got to sleep okay but woke up too early, but i just dozed. I'm on Seroquel and it gives me crazy thoughts tho when i doze so it wasn't too pleasant. I had a quiet somewhat dull day. I enjoyed music and Scrabble (once i started winning). It's going to be sunny tomorrow! Yay!

Does Seroquel give you weird dreams, too? I take only 12.5mg to sleep, but have weirdo dreams all night. Never considered that it causes crazy thoughts...that makes a lot of sense, though.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Writing was such a wise action to take! I have forearm (and hand) tattoos, too.

What else do you think (healthy action) would help you at this time?

Oh, I’m not sure. I’m practicing deep stomach breathing to help anxiety. I lost my lavender essential oil (although I think it may have been commandeered by my son).

What I need to do is be more open with RS. I’m afraid to tell him exactly what’s going on. I don’t know why. It’s just very hard for me to trust that people won’t run hard in the opposite direction if I do open up. Or lambaste me. I want to tell him, I do. But the words get stuck in my throat.

I think getting a notebook might help so I can write at home too. I don’t have to keep the pages, I can just rip them out and toss them.

I need to force myself to go to the drug store today to get some other stuff, shampoo and things, I’ll try to remember to pick one up there.

[Mountaindewed]

Today was the best day since last weekend. I got coffee. Then I exercised. Then I made my bed. Which helped me feel a lot better. I vacuumed off all the crumbs that were on there and I cleaned off the dishes on my nightstand. I sprayed fabric spray on the bed and I sprayed air freshener. My room looks very clean now and not like a severely depressed person spent 3 days in there. I cleaned and organized my food rack and shelf in the kitchen. Then I did laundry. I went through my closet and dresser and put some things in the donation pile. I’ve been following my meal plan all day. I took a shower this morning. Then I’m going to my aunts in a bit. So today I am doing very well.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Oh, I’m not sure. I’m practicing deep stomach breathing to help anxiety. I lost my lavender essential oil (although I think it may have been commandeered by my son).

What I need to do is be more open with RS. I’m afraid to tell him exactly what’s going on. I don’t know why. It’s just very hard for me to trust that people won’t run hard in the opposite direction if I do open up. Or lambaste me. I want to tell him, I do. But the words get stuck in my throat.

I think getting a notebook might help so I can write at home too. I don’t have to keep the pages, I can just rip them out and toss them.

I need to force myself to go to the drug store today to get some other stuff, shampoo and things, I’ll try to remember to pick one up there.

A notebook would be terrific. I used to be such a "writer", but have become remiss about keeping it up. Lately I've been thinking about writing again, though- and buying a nice journal for inspiration.

Ripping out & tossing the pages is a good idea, though! I'm always concerned about what I write on paper, that someone will find it and read something not meant for them to read.

[*Beth*]

My husband just called and said his entire plumbing system is in major dire straights (he lives in a fairly large house that his parents owned). His showers are unusable. But he can't call a plumber in until he (my husband) clears out pathways for the plumber to walk in. My husband is a hoarder, which is why we don't live together. "Cleaning out" could take MONTHS. So, he's going to need to come over to my apartment every day to shower...my respectably tidy, decently clean apartment that I absolutely love. It is also very small with 1 little bathroom. My husband has OCD, so showers take him a solid hour, at least. Not including pre- and post- time.

Shower #1 is to take place this afternoon. I fear for my therapy appointments, which are still online and which take place at about the same time my husband will come over. There's nowhere for me to do the session where he cannot hear everything.

It's life, it'll work out, I just could have happily done without this stress.

[Moose72]

Beth if he's in the shower for an hour then he won't be able to hear what you're saying, right?

[Moose72]

I'm feeling fat today. I looked up Nutrisystem's site today. It says I should weigh between 101 and 125. Im so far from that! They cost- just incase you were wondering- about $10 per day! Yipes. I mean if you already eat out every day then I guess but otherwise that seems like a lot. $3+ per meal. Just looked it up because I saw a commercial on TV.

[Sunflower123]

I’m under the weather today with a very sore throat, a temp of 102, body aches and chills. I can’t imagine where I picked something up because I’m always so careful. I had a full day planned for today but I’m just not up to it. I don’t even feel well enough to go after the mail and papers.

Tomorrow I’m driving mom to get her COVID vaccine. I hope I’m back on my feet by then. I think I’ll go to bed early and sleep it off.

[Moose72]

Jennifer, I hope you are ok!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Beth if he's in the shower for an hour then he won't be able to hear what you're saying, right?

Ideally not. But that would mean he'd have to step into the shower at the exact minute my session begins. He's more likely to show up right in the middle of my session. I'm going to have to really set a boundary with this. Although the timing isn't becoming clear to me yet. He might have to compromise in some way, such as not taking a shower on the 2 days/week I have sessions. He'll hate that, but dammmmm.....

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m under the weather today with a very sore throat, a temp of 102, body aches and chills. I can’t imagine where I picked something up because I’m always so careful. I had a full day planned for today but I’m just not up to it. I don’t even feel well enough to go after the mail and papers.

Tomorrow I’m driving mom to get her COVID vaccine. I hope I’m back on my feet by then. I think I’ll go to bed early and sleep it off.

Ohh, honey. I hope you are in bed and sleeping it off. I'm sending healing vibes*~**~**~~***
Keep us posted.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm feeling fat today. I looked up Nutrisystem's site today. It says I should weigh between 101 and 125. Im so far from that! They cost- just incase you were wondering- about $10 per day! Yipes. I mean if you already eat out every day then I guess but otherwise that seems like a lot. $3+ per meal. Just looked it up because I saw a commercial on TV.

I've done a couple of the "healthy meal delivery" services. Not the weight loss ones, but just the ready meal delivery. Freshly and another one. After the first week of a discounted trial, they are so expensive. Even though they're supposed to be healthy they taste creepy. Definitely not worth the cost.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've done a couple of the "healthy meal delivery" services. Not the weight loss ones, but just the ready meal delivery. Freshly and another one. After the first week of a discounted trial, they are so expensive. Even though they're supposed to be healthy they taste creepy. Definitely not worth the cost.

That's what I read someone say about weight watchers too- they taste weird

[Mountaindewed]

I did a local meal delivery service about a year ago. It was about $200 a month. But the food was incredibly weird. Just like weird combinations and it was mostly pasta and hardly any meat. Plus it was super bland food.

I use an app called MyFitnessPal which has really helped.