[Soupe du jour]

I'm totally exhausted yet again before 5 pm. I think I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR. I still "meet" with him via video session, despite being in Europe. That continuation with him has been quite valuable for me. I will eventually have to find a psychiatrist here (to prescribe my medications), but I have time. All of my doctors prescribed many extra medications for the interim, and for possible increases.

We spent most of the day spending money. Some via Amazon.de (German Amazon) and the rest at the grocery store again. I'm slowly managing to fill my pantry and fridge, so I can start truly cooking again. I bought a new box grater (needed that) and peeler (have two more coming in our shipment) because life is hard for me without them. Prior to today, the only composed dishes I made were "ham & eggs" and deviled eggs. Actually, I gave the deviled eggs to the workmen at our house. My husband said they ate them all up in like a millisecond.

At this precise moment, my husband is talking to his eldest sister on the phone. The one living in Germany, not Czech Republic. This is notable because they haven't spoken with each other for over 2 years. She accused him of a nonsense, way back when, so they weren't on speaking terms. However, this sister has been SO EXTREMELY CURIOUS about where we are living and how things are going that she couldn't help but end this grudge. I know that she is horny to come and see our new home. The sad part is is that she's an incredibly critical type person. It's as if she "made up" just for a chance to come and criticize. I suppose I should try to think otherwise, but that would be foolish of me. Anyway, I'm glad he's talking to her. She is his eldest sister. Siblings should talk.

[dsmith]

I am so tired of hearing other people speak. Every word that everyone utters drives me up the wall.

Also, I am so annoyed and irritable today! I sat at my desk to do some work and found myself just spinning my wheels.

I need to keep writing things down: what I plan to do, what I did, and get into analysis paralysis. Unless I do this I'm totally lost. I know there are a million things I should be doing. However, unless I write them down in great detail it is as if they don't exist.

I'm so fed up with myself. Every day is a vicious interminable cycle: I wake up exhausted and nauseous, wanting to just isolate myself. 5 o'clock hits and I just zone out. I thought Facebook was bad, but TikTok is 100x worse. I spend hours and hours scrolling and scrolling. I also eat inordinate amounts of ice cream and cookies. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm thinking I need a mental health pet. I want a dog but they're expensive so I've been thinking about a cat. My sister says I should get a ragdoll cat but I looked online and they go for $2,000! I can't afford that. I need vet money and food money etc of course. I'd like a rescue greyhound but as I say they can be vet heavy- Or so I'm guessing. Any ideas, suggestion, or words to the wise?

I wanted one the worse way, and yeah the money situation is hard. I volunteered at a shelter and did all kinds of things plus fostering sick kittens that needed treatment. I found my guy he was 5-6 yrs old a mixed breed cat. Very laid back and loving. Not. A rag doll, but the shelter occasionally got those in. I’ve been lucky in the over ten years I’ve had him he’s remained accident free. He’s getting up there in age though he still acts like a kitten some days. He doesn’t gulp his food so he has iam’s dry food to free graze and frisky’s caned in a verities, he get about 2/3 reds of a can a day in two servings and his treats. He has a big bowl of water in a pie dish cause he’ll drink more that way that a small bowl. I’d look for a healthy cat at shelters. Find a shelter that will let you spend time with the cats. The shelter I worked at had small rooms were you could take cats and play with them. They also had cards with info like temperament written up by those who spent the most time with them. At that shelter older cats cost less than kittens. Kittens have their benefits too. Make sure you leave cat toys on the floor and have a scratching post. Cats are wonderful.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok. Therapy went well. I suppose. I told her I had an eating disorder. And she was all like “um. We decided on that before.” We have different ideas about weight loss and how someone loses weight. I told her it was just calories in calories out and she said there’s a whole lot more that goes into it. But I did tell her I don’t eat much 6 days of the week and one day I’m fine. I told her I’ve been getting dizzy and lightheaded but that I was drinking water. I don’t know she wasn’t really having any of it. She’s also kind of annoyed I won’t go to the doctor for my UTI. And she thinks it’s a bigger deal then I think it is. But I’ve just been able to ignore it so far. The last 5 minutes were probably the best and we were able to work through things so stuff wasn’t left hanging. She wants me to think about why I treat my cats better then I treat myself. Because I have to take one to the vet today. and she also wants me to think about do I want my self worth to be tied to my weight. But yeah it went good today and she agreed. I feel fine now. Usually I’d be all down in the dumps. Or else I just feel better overall because of my split dose and can handle her better then I normally would be able to. I don’t know. I know I feel a lot less clingy with her then I used to when I was on the injection every other week and emailing her everyday.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm thinking I need a mental health pet. I want a dog but they're expensive so I've been thinking about a cat. My sister says I should get a ragdoll cat but I looked online and they go for $2,000! I can't afford that. I need vet money and food money etc of course. I'd like a rescue greyhound but as I say they can be vet heavy- Or so I'm guessing. Any ideas, suggestion, or words to the wise?

Cats are not as costly as dogs are. There are so very many cats that need homes...you could find just the right one for you. Purebred cats generally have their breed-specific health issues. Shelters and rescues are full of needy kittens and cats. I think a mental health pet is a wonderful idea.

[Mountaindewed]

The cat is ok. They just got some mats off him and gave him his rabies shot. It wasn’t as bad or as expensive as I thought it would be. Then I came home and got a nice size check from my old job. It was my retirement fund so that’s not exactly good in the long run. But right now it will really help.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me though. It started suddenly on the way to the vet. I thought I just needed to use the bathroom. So I used there’s but then I just got this really bad pain in my right side, a headache, and blurry vision and nausea. I came home, took a couple Tylenol and a Xanax. And I ate a bowl of spaghettios. I know I’ve been neglecting my physical health problems but I didn’t know things would get this bad. I’m still torn about going to the doctor. I don’t have a fever. And I haven’t thrown up yet. So I don’t know.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

My first night of my benzo taper went fine. I tried to keep busy today but wasn't too successful. I guess doing things that are unpleasant is no solution.

@Moose72: You are wise to beware of the expense of pets. I had a $1700 vet bill when my dog was a puppy and she had a stomach problem. Cats can be expensive too. How about plants or indoor gardening? Orchids can be nice...

I have 3 plants lol. They are doing great!

[Moose72]

I spent the evening writing two poems!

https://bipolarhallucidations.blogspot.com They are in February- and there are two in January as well. I need some critiques! I sent one to my longtime penpal and he refused to say anything because his interpretations would be different than mine! Hrumph.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I've been really bothered by thoughts of the past lately. One problem is that i'm not busy enough. I laid off the Scrabble because i wasn't winning and was getting super angry and frustrated. Today i told myself i'll just play to block out the thoughts of the past. That will be my goal and it doesn't matter if i win or lose. At least i'm not worrying over stuff that happened in the last millennium. So that worked out well and i feel more hopeful for the future.

I can certainly relate. I'm glad you found a solution & some hope.

I can still get myself tied up in knots reliving the horrors of my past. In addition to having bipolar disorder & having screwed things up due to mania & prolonged depressive episodes, I'm also a recovering alcoholic! I've had to clean up many, many messes over the decades. There are days, however, when I think it's too late to mend fences & recover. I'm at the age where I should be thinking about a peaceful retirement but, instead, find myself on disability with no nest egg to count on due to shameful spending during manic episodes & drinking episodes. Maybe I'll try Scrabble the next time I'm having "one of those days." Good luck carrying on. Thanks for the hope.

The second night of my benzo taper went fine too. So, this is going really well. I'm glad because i was scared.

My Scrabble pal texted me today and we chatted for a while, then she asked for a game. My first impulse was to say no because she is playing on an old platform that i am trying to get away from. But that would have been @n@! and my top priority is to make friends and that means taking people up on their offers. So i changed gears and said yes and we played! So that was a bit of vicarious company today and another step in our friendship. So proud of myself that i put friendship ahead of my own pickiness!

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm thinking I need a mental health pet. I want a dog but they're expensive so I've been thinking about a cat. My sister says I should get a ragdoll cat but I looked online and they go for $2,000! I can't afford that. I need vet money and food money etc of course. I'd like a rescue greyhound but as I say they can be vet heavy- Or so I'm guessing. Any ideas, suggestion, or words to the wise?

I got a pound puppy years ago for like $60/ spade and microchipped. Vet costs us $37/ month and $136/year in flea and heart worm meds. That sounds expensive but she can go to the vet visit for free the whole year. All shots are paid and she gets 2 full exams a year. There are cheaper options but she's old now. We use to only take her 1x a year for shots and we didn't pay the $37/month. Before we moved to FL we were able to get away with cheaper flea and heartworm medication. We feed her cheap food which is $23/ every 2 months. Sometimes we make her home made food. If we did 18 week training it would cost us $320. Also nail clipping 4-6x a year is $10 each time. So if you have about $75/month extra. I would say get a pound puppy.

There's also low income clinics that offer cheaper services. Including training.

[Victoria'smom]

I stayed in bed until 3 pm today because of my anxiety. H asked if I'm going to get on my AD med again...NOPE . Unless I wake up tomorrow worse. If it's much worse it'll cross into paranoia I think. I still don't have insurance this month and I have to get my shot Thursday. I don't know what to do. They said it could take up to the 15th but they have no more information than we do.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm actually kinda sore today. Yesterday I shoveled the entire driveway by myself and went for a hike. Things get much more difficult when there's 8" of fresh and your snowshoes are too small.
My mood's been much more stable the past couple days. I hope I can get more temazepam tomorrow because sleeping is cool.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

The second night of my benzo taper went fine too. So, this is going really well. I'm glad because i was scared.

My Scrabble pal texted me today and we chatted for a while, then she asked for a game. My first impulse was to say no because she is playing on an old platform that i am trying to get away from. But that would have been @n@! and my top priority is to make friends and that means taking people up on their offers. So i changed gears and said yes and we played! So that was a bit of vicarious company today and another step in our friendship. So proud of myself that i put friendship ahead of my own pickiness!

That was a smart move, I think, too. I hope your friendship develops nicely.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel kind of sad today because it’s my birthday tomorrow. I don’t usually do much anyways to celebrate it. But I’ve always been busy with other normal things. I usually work on my birthday. Then I go out for dinner. Last year I don’t remember if I had to work but I had a therapy appointment and then a doctors appointment and then we went out to dinner. So it’s not like I usually take the day off for fun stuff. But I think I feel bad because I actually miss work and in person therapy appointment instead of being sad because it’s just my birthday.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm in bed with a sore back and it's only 6:30 pm, my time. Hubby did give me an arnica cream rub, but I had to ask for it. I'd hoped after groaning and complaining about my sore back that he'd volunteer, but nope. Anyway, I'm glad to have time to myself. Hubby is serving up dinner for our two handymen that have been staying with us. I made a HUGE pot of Czech potato soup. It took me a long time since it was a double recipe and involved several vegetables I needed to peel and chop. I hope they like it. Hubby will also reheat some takeout dinner we bought for them yesterday. Basically pork cutlets in mushroom cream sauce with mashed potatoes. They came with French fries, too, but I told Hubby to skip them. Plus, one of the handymen swiped my new roasting pan, for some reason. I'm sure he'll return it, but I was looking for it everywhere yesterday. We found it in the room he's sleeping in filled with a huge bag of cheap cigarettes. That roasting pan is the closest I have to cookie sheet, until our stuff finally arrives. Why his bag of cigarettes needs such such a "bed" is beyond me. I told Hubby that if it does disappear for good, we should let it go and buy a new one, after they leave.

Speaking of our stuff, it might arrive this Friday. I hope, hope, hope. It seems that the shipping company people might be giving us a hard time about the payment. Long story short, I think they are mafioso types. That's not at all unusual for certain industries on the east coast. I think our old homeowner's association management company were mafioso-types. Always trying to cheat you out of money or not pay you when you're supposed to be. The problem is is that they "get you". They sometimes threaten fines or make your life miserable in other ways. In the end, it is often best to just give them what they want and run far far away.

[Victoria'smom]

Ex T called. She changed my T to a female with more experience and more availability. So scheduling is going to call. So we'll see. She also reminded me to get my shot tomorrow. I'm just going to go and hope everything works out. I haven't seen pdoc in months, no meds except the shot. So we'll see. I'm so scattered today. I have headphones on just to type this. I'm scared they're going to up the injection. I can't afford to go more then 1x a month.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel kind of sad today because it’s my birthday tomorrow. I don’t usually do much anyways to celebrate it. But I’ve always been busy with other normal things. I usually work on my birthday. Then I go out for dinner. Last year I don’t remember if I had to work but I had a therapy appointment and then a doctors appointment and then we went out to dinner. So it’s not like I usually take the day off for fun stuff. But I think I feel bad because I actually miss work and in person therapy appointment instead of being sad because it’s just my birthday.

Happy birthday in advance! Try to keep your chin up. I miss being out in the world, too. As far as telehealth therapy goes, I can relate. There's something about removing myself from a physical space that allows me to remove myself from bad emotional spaces more readily. I've pretty much given up on my telehealth therapy appointments. My psychiatrist is still holding in-person appointments, but I'm generally in & out of there in about 10 minutes & only go once every few months, depending on the state I'm in. As far as tomorrow goes, I'm writing you a virtual prescription for a pizza...it will be good for what's ailing you! Take care.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I got a pound puppy years ago for like $60/ spade and microchipped. Vet costs us $37/ month and $136/year in flea and heart worm meds. That sounds expensive but she can go to the vet visit for free the whole year. All shots are paid and she gets 2 full exams a year. There are cheaper options but she's old now. We use to only take her 1x a year for shots and we didn't pay the $37/month. Before we moved to FL we were able to get away with cheaper flea and heartworm medication. We feed her cheap food which is $23/ every 2 months. Sometimes we make her home made food. If we did 18 week training it would cost us $320. Also nail clipping 4-6x a year is $10 each time. So if you have about $75/month extra. I would say get a pound puppy.

There's also low income clinics that offer cheaper services. Including training.

How is your vet $37 a month? Is this something your particular vet does, or do you have pet insurance?

[Moose72]

Writing more poetry tonight. Well, wrote. It's been put on my blog and in the two books that I'm keeping my poetry in. https://bipolarhallucidations.blogspot.com

[Victoria'smom]

We have a plan with Banfield. So all her basics (shots check up) are covered and if anything happens she can see the vet for "free".

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sleeping to avoid anxiety. I just can't deal with it. I'm scattered. I still can't believe ex T called. It was like a twist of a knife. At least I know she really does care about me. She didn't have to call me again. She didn't have to fight for me again. I'm so confused and have a "headache". Everything is so ****en loud. Miguel's getting on my last nerve and I'm getting on his last nerve. I still have to eat dinner and shower. I just want to hide.

In bed hiding broke my laptop can't get it replacement part any time soon.

My benzo taper continues to go well. I had a terrible night at Scrabble. I felt very bored and irritable today. I couldn't tolerate any of my regular activities and just laid on the couch. I didn't agonize over the past tho. I just dozed. A week until our provincial stay-at-home order is lifted. I will go out out out!

[Mountaindewed]

I had a really bad night last night. I was thinking of getting food. But then my mom was in the garage with my brother for half an hour looking through boxes of books he said was ok to pack. By the time they got in it was 5:30 and too late to get anything but chipotles. I didn’t quite understand the entire thing. I took 30 milligrams of melatonin. And it messed me up. I fell asleep and then I was all wobbly. I woke up at 1:30 itching and I found this giant piece of very painful inflamed acne. I don’t know if it’s turning into cellulitis or what. But it itches and hurts so badly I can barely even lie down. Plus my right arm hurts and I don’t know what I did to that either.

Right now I’m just really confused about everything.

[Soupe du jour]

I forgot to take my evening meds until very late last night. I always eventually remember because I find myself not sleepy after midnight. Problem is that then I struggle to get up in the morning. However, it's better to take them than to not. No sleep from no antipsychotic = very bad news more me.

Our main handyman had to go to Prague in the middle of the night because his daughter went to the hospital. Prague is two hours away, by car. It seems that she is okay, luckily, so he returned to finish the jobs for us. This time he brought his little dog with him. They are generally inseparable. My husband doesn't like dogs, but will tolerate it given the huge favor the handyman is doing us. I don't mind the dog. It's a cute well-behaved little girl. Actually, when I look at her, I get slightly emotional since it looks at people with the most adoring face. That look I recall well from my late parrot. We were told that he rescued his doggy from abusive previous owners (who were foreign workers). He bought the little dog from them. Sadly, the abusers had a second similar dog that soon after died from neglect. I can't stand that such people own animals!

Our stuff is being held up because of my husband's challenging of the bill from the moving company. He eventually gave in, but they are holding it clearly as a vendetta against us. This is familiar behavior. As I wrote yesterday, some places like that are almost mafia-like. In the end, the customer always loses, unless you accept everything they brazenly thrust on you. It is even possible that they will add "storage fees" before they release our stuff. The problem is not on the Czech end. It's from the American end. They haven't even paid the Czech moving company, so even they are in this bind. The Czech moving company won't give us our stuff until they are paid. That's logical.