[*Beth*]

Yeah, I haven't heard rave reviews of any meal delivery plans. The most recent one I had, I used it for a week. Then I received an email that said something like Emergency - please read! It was from the company. They had mistakenly sent out one of the meals with expired food in it. Yuck. The good part was that they refunded my entire week.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sleeping as much as possible only to get up to eat. Anxiety and self harm is in my for front of my brain. I'm so just done. I'm afraid my dog is going to die any second. Currently she's on my leg so I can feel her breathe. I can't curl in a ball like I want to because of it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm sleeping as much as possible only to get up to eat. Anxiety and self harm is in my for front of my brain. I'm so just done. I'm afraid my dog is going to die any second. Currently she's on my leg so I can feel her breathe. I can't curl in a ball like I want to because of it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I think you've just got some anxiety because you aren't feeling well.

[Mountaindewed]

So I spent the majority of the day Wednesday and Friday in bed because of med reactions. Then Thursday I spent all day in bed because of severe depression. Tonight I decided to do something completely out of my comfort zone and go to my aunts for my moms birthday (no one knew it had been mine the day before) my uncle was there and I really wanted to see him. The main reason I actually went. His girlfriend was there too. Which I was not happy about. She really likes me but she doesn’t really understand the whole trans thing. After saying “who is this?!” She came up to me and said oh I like this! Meaning my facial hair. Then she like rubbed my hair. And who the hell does that in the first place but especially with Covid. Then she sat down and asked all these super invasive questions about how my “stuff” was going and she wasn’t being transphobic in the mean way, but she was being a bit transphobic in the unsure and wary way. Leaving my bed was a huge improvement alone. But then I had to deal with this stuff. Luckily I had my headphones and my mom whispered for me to put them on. So I did. And my mom blew out the candles on her cake. And everyone was cool about it. I did not eat or touch any food. But I am super worried about my uncles girlfriend touching my face because of Covid. I did not have a mask on. Like I’m really worried. Not even doctors have been that close to my face that I’m aware of. I just ignored her all night and I was polite to her. But Jeeze was that an awkward night at least for me and my mom.

I feel happy today. I've adjusted to the tame lazy days at home due to our stay-at-home order. I laughed hard at my show today ("Superstore" on Netflix) and it really made me feel good. What a swell show! Scrabble went well. My benzo taper meds make me feel good. This is my last night on a mix of Clonazepam and Valium. Tomorrow it's straight Valium. Can't believe it's been a week already! I'm actually doing this! Something i've been wanting to do for years! I feel niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and mellow and relaxed. I went down to our little store for a snack and it was so nice saying hi to the staff and other customers. A little event in my day.

Enjoy!

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I feel happy today. I've adjusted to the tame lazy days at home due to our stay-at-home order. I laughed hard at my show today ("Superstore" on Netflix) and it really made me feel good. What a swell show! Scrabble went well. My benzo taper meds make me feel good. This is my last night on a mix of Clonazepam and Valium. Tomorrow it's straight Valium. Can't believe it's been a week already! I'm actually doing this! Something i've been wanting to do for years! I feel niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and mellow and relaxed. I went down to our little store for a snack and it was so nice saying hi to the staff and other customers. A little event in my day.

Enjoy!

This new season isn't my favorite, but Superstore is one of my absolute favorites!

[Victoria'smom]

I think you've just got some anxiety because you aren't feeling well

do you think I'm depressed or worse?

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I feel happy today. I've adjusted to the tame lazy days at home due to our stay-at-home order. I laughed hard at my show today ("Superstore" on Netflix) and it really made me feel good. What a swell show! Scrabble went well. My benzo taper meds make me feel good. This is my last night on a mix of Clonazepam and Valium. Tomorrow it's straight Valium. Can't believe it's been a week already! I'm actually doing this! Something i've been wanting to do for years! I feel niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and mellow and relaxed. I went down to our little store for a snack and it was so nice saying hi to the staff and other customers. A little event in my day.Enjoy!

Congrats on tapering off the Clonazepam, whatever! I hope the Valium reductions go well, too. I have also been on two benzos simultaneously, in the past. I will warn that lowering the second was a bit harder than lowering the first. Actually, I'm still on a small dose of clonazepam, even to this day. I'd love to eventually go off of it. We'll see.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I are so hoping our stuff actually arrives this coming Tuesday afternoon. I won't exactly hold my breath, though. Nevertheless, we have been planning what to put where in our new home. We have more overall space in some respects, but not others. When our stuff does finally come, the house will be a disaster area. Our handymen are returning tomorrow night to continue projects, including painting our kitchen and foyer areas.

I finally took some photos of our house to send to my sister, yesterday. I'd rather not share the exterior of the house, for privacy sake, but attached is a view out our new living room window. It's a nice view of countryside. The other photo is of our courtyard, which we will spruce up and decorate with lots of flowers in the spring, as well as a new sun umbrella and patio furniture. Oh, the bucolic life!

I had one momentary near outburst of frustration, but it passed. I'm doing OK.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm sleeping as much as possible only to get up to eat. Anxiety and self harm is in my for front of my brain. I'm so just done. I'm afraid my dog is going to die any second. Currently she's on my leg so I can feel her breathe. I can't curl in a ball like I want to because of it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you, Mm. I'm so sorry the depression is dragging on for you like it is.

I've been in that delusional state when I was convinced that one of my cats was going to die any second. That felt like torture.

[wildflowerchild25]

I have woken in a state of anxiety. Crazy dream. Like, my grandfather was walking around and talking just like he used to before he went downhill from dementia. But I was the only one who could see him and talk to him.

Then I had some crazy dream that I was in Harry Potter and trying to run from Voldemort. I was very scared. That’s the one I woke up out of so I guess that accounts for the anxiety.

Very uncomfortable.

I couldn’t sleep last night until about 1am. I wanted to take an extra seroquel but I knew I would have a med hangover all day like I did yesterday so I decided not to.

It’s freaking snowing again but it’s not supposed to be that bad, just a quick storm. Only about 3 inches. And the whether forecast for the rest of the week has changed. Originally it was only supposed to be in the high 20s starting Thursday but now it’s back over freezing. Not a great improvement but it’s something.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I have woken in a state of anxiety. Crazy dream. Like, my grandfather was walking around and talking just like he used to before he went downhill from dementia. But I was the only one who could see him and talk to him.

Then I had some crazy dream that I was in Harry Potter and trying to run from Voldemort. I was very scared. That’s the one I woke up out of so I guess that accounts for the anxiety.

Very uncomfortable.

I couldn’t sleep last night until about 1am. I wanted to take an extra seroquel but I knew I would have a med hangover all day like I did yesterday so I decided not to.

It’s freaking snowing again but it’s not supposed to be that bad, just a quick storm. Only about 3 inches. And the whether forecast for the rest of the week has changed. Originally it was only supposed to be in the high 20s starting Thursday but now it’s back over freezing. Not a great improvement but it’s something.

Seroquel hangovers are the worst. I feel for you knowing you have to report to work most days.

Stay safe from weather hazards. We had freezing rain today where I am. Legally we have to salt the sidewalks in front of our house. All we had on hand was table salt, so we used it. At first we were going to skip it, but then we saw kids deliberately sliding down it, for fun. Tomorrow we have lots of salt to buy.

[Mountaindewed]

As usual I took a lot of meds last night. I actually woke my mom up and said “I think I need to go IP in the morning because I’m losing control of my meds.” Then this morning I feel totally fine. I’m not drowsy or having any anxiety or anything. I got my injection a few minutes ago and I exercised for 36 minutes. I really don’t have a clue about why I struggle so deeply at night but then wake up and am totally fine. My mom has hidden the melatonin again. And I’m not going out so I can keep control of my Geodon. Last night I came home at 10:30 and took my 100 mil of Geodon and then at 12:30AM I took the 80 that I usually take at 1AM. Then I for some reason just really panicked and I had a massive anxiety attack and I took 30 mil of melatonin. But I’m hoping after tomorrow when I get my supposed period I can figure out a plan with my therapist on how to handle these thoughts that come up every month. Maybe I really do need to go IP. Or back to IOP. But last night was the 3rd night this week that something was up with my meds. That is unusual even for me.

[*Beth*]

My sister-friend C. is in the hospital for the third time. She won't stop drinking. You guys, if you knew her...such a gentle soul, filled with love, but never developed the self-respect she needed in life. Anyway, she is on life support right now. What I want to know is, does life support mean it's over? That is, if the plug is pulled she can't regain consciousness - is that correct?

[buddha1too]

I'm not a doctor, so I won't try to answer your question about life support. I am, however, a recovering alcoholic who attends AA, & I've known many people who have died as a result of their drinking. The sad part of the disease is that it not only affects the drinker, but also their friends & families...that's what you're experiencing now. I hope your friend makes a full recovery, and that you realize there was nothing you could have done for her. I wish you peace of mind on this difficult day & in the coming days, too, BethRags. Hang in there.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My sister-friend C. is in the hospital for the third time. She won't stop drinking. You guys, if you knew her...such a gentle soul, filled with love, but never developed the self-respect she needed in life. Anyway, she is on life support right now. What I want to know is, does life support mean it's over? That is, if the plug is pulled she can't regain consciousness - is that correct?

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. Of course we can't know how her hospitalization will turn out, I did want to mention that my father was in the ICU for several days (not fully conscious) because of alcohol. It was very scary!

In my father's case, he did regain consciousness, but is not the same dad my siblings and I knew as kids and younger adults. Initially, his cognitive functioning was affected. Not to a degree of any retardation, but he forgot things very easily, and became depressed. It injured his brain. It took some weeks/months for him to regain better cognitive functioning. At some points, we thought he had dementia, because of the experiences with alcohol abuse. A few neurologists said that he didn't, but that the alcohol had been the cause.

My dad is in his late 70s. I suppose age could play a certain part in lasting effects, but also severity and length of abuse. It's odd, my dad wasn't a life-long alcoholic. His major abuse didn't start until my youngest nephew's suicide. He had been drinking a bit heavily even perhaps 10 years before, but not to the point he did, at the end. He's been living in an assisted living for probably 2 years now, following that particular ICU hospitalization. He doesn't drink at the assisted living facility.

I will say that losing his "crutch" brought him a greater struggle with his bipolar disorder (now more depression) and anxiety than ever before. Unfortunately, though he does take moodstabilizers (Lamictal and Abilify) he doesn't do any other type of recovery work. I think that if he did/could/would, it would help him. But he's almost 80.

I also have a history of alcohol abuse. That's a whole other story. I will say that it is very dangerous to combine alcohol and psychotropic medications. Doing so did land me in the ER once. I had to drink a charcoal drink, and it severely destabilized me, bringing on my very worst episodes, and ultimately disabling me. But years later, I'm doing much better.

I was lucky that I became conscious enough to drink that charcoal drink. I initially refused. They threatened that they'd send it down through my nose in a tube, if I did. And boy, the aftermath wasn't pretty! I only vaguely remember the psych hospitalizations that immediately followed. I was in my mid/late 30s, at those times.

On a brighter note, I baked my first goodie in my new home. Banana nut bread! Smells and tastes so yummy! Instant happiness! Did so even without any proper measuring/baking tools. Used two disposable silicon paper loaf "pans" I bought for 40 CZK (less than $2). My glass/metal ones are coming soon.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'm not a doctor, so I won't try to answer your question about life support. I am, however, a recovering alcoholic who attends AA, & I've known many people who have died as a result of their drinking. The sad part of the disease is that it not only affects the drinker, but also their friends & families...that's what you're experiencing now. I hope your friend makes a full recovery, and that you realize there was nothing you could have done for her. I wish you peace of mind on this difficult day & in the coming days, too, BethRags. Hang in there.

You are so kind. Thank you for what you've shared, and for your warm wishes.

[bizi]

Soup,
thank you for sharing.
Bet your banana bread is delicious!
You are such a good cook/baker.
bizi

[Moose72]

Hi, all. I've been reading tonight- a new book by a dad about his daughter's mental illness (though as of yet they haven't mentioned s diagnosis.) It's called Hurry Down Sunshine.

As for drinking, my sister told me that recently our dad told her that he'd stopped drinking- when his father died he stopped. All these years he'd been trying to rid himself of his dad's abuse apparently even to the point of just his still being alive kept his alcoholism alive? His dad died several years ago, now. I hope it's true but you can see how I'd be skeptical.

[scatterbrained04]

Was horsing around with my 15yo son yesterday, and we both took a tumble off my bed. I landed on top of the base of my fan. My arm, shoulder, and whole left side are sore this morning lol. I'm getting too old.

Doing pretty well these days. Still pretty stable with the BP symptoms. I decided to quit stressing so much about work. We'll always be dealing with stuff there. Losing 2 staff members now. I am just going to do what I can get done every day and not stress about the rest. Our owner is on board with this, so I'm happy about that. I know he wants me to be happy at work. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I look forward to going to work again! And with less stress, I'm not having such bad mood swings.

[*Beth*]

I've lost my precious friend C. We met when we were 5 years old, so a close friendship of 53 years. Her death was essentially a suicide. Her liver and heart were so compromised, but she couldn't stop drinking. She died during the night. Her daughter was with her. C. was someone who gave and gave, and loved- while she tormented herself inside. I'm broken right now.

[buddha1too]

I'm so sorry for your loss, BethRags. Fifty year friendships are a rarity in this day & age. You were blessed to have known such a giving person.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Was horsing around with my 15yo son yesterday, and we both took a tumble off my bed. I landed on top of the base of my fan. My arm, shoulder, and whole left side are sore this morning lol. I'm getting too old.

Doing pretty well these days. Still pretty stable with the BP symptoms. I decided to quit stressing so much about work. We'll always be dealing with stuff there. Losing 2 staff members now. I am just going to do what I can get done every day and not stress about the rest. Our owner is on board with this, so I'm happy about that. I know he wants me to be happy at work. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I look forward to going to work again! And with less stress, I'm not having such bad mood swings.

Ouch, regarding the fall on the fan!

It's nice to see you checking in. How great that you and the boss have a workable (and reasonable) strategy to get through the coming work days.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've lost my precious friend C. We met when we were 5 years old, so a close friendship of 53 years. Her death was essentially a suicide. Her liver and heart were so compromised, but she couldn't stop drinking. She died during the night. Her daughter was with her. C. was someone who gave and gave, and loved- while she tormented herself inside. I'm broken right now.

I so sorry, Beth, to read that the alcohol took your friend. Addiction is a mean and nasty thing! It goes to show how delicate life can be and how hard we must work to be kind to our bodies and minds when they often are not so very kind to us.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I did another huge grocery shopping trip. Thank goodness we won't have to for at least four or five days, or so. We bought a lot because the handymen are back to continue the work for us. I'm kind of relieved that our stuff won't be coming tomorrow. It hopefully (hopefully) will on Wednesday. Again, the original moving outfit is being a mfr and not paying the Czech moving company. They're a-hol**, for sure! The Czech company, in contrast, does seem nice. Hubby is even offering to pay them some money if they can come without being paid by the mfrs. We'll see. Anyway, there's still lots scheduled to happen tomorrow.

Yesterday was freezing rain so bad that we had a heck of time scrapping the ice off our car. We should have put it in the garage! We did, at least after-the-fact. We had to go to a Bauhaus (like Home Depot) and buy not only a shovel, but huge bags of salt for the sidewalks. Apparently, it is our responsibility to shovel and salt the one in front of our house.

I made banana nut bread and offered it to our handymen friends. I asked Hubby how to say "I baked banana bread", in Czech, but what I ended up saying was "I ran away banana bread". Apparently "baked" and "ran away" are similar enough sounding words that my mix up was a funny one. Tomorrow I'll make a large bacon wrapped meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and veggie sides. They're sure to like that. It's a very "clog your arteries" kind of a cuisine here. Washed down with liters of beer. Today we bought a restaurant's special for us all, translating to "Slaughterhouse Goulash". By "slaughterhouse", that means that in addition to beef, in this case, there was liver and other innards in it. All served with Czech dumplings. When our life is back to normal, healthful cuisine will be back!