Originally Posted by gina_re

Hi everyone!
I see its been almost two years since I've last posted. Hopefully some of you remember me. I hope to be more active on here again. I miss you all!!
I've been feeling ok lately. New job with with much less stress. Actually, my previous job was the reason I haven't been on here much. I was working crazy overtime and was always exhausted to do anything else. Anyway, I'm also back in school to get my M.A. in forensic psychology and counseling. If you wanna know more just pm me.
At any rate, happy to be back. It took some effort to find this place again, but glad I did. I could use some friends.

Good to see you again!!

Originally Posted by BethRags

So many young people don't drive. It's interesting; to me, all I wanted in the world was my driver's license as soon as I could possibly get it. My daughter, who's 35, has never had a desire to drive. Her life is normal and successful; she either bikes or uses Lyft. My son and his wife live in San Francisco. They do own a car, but very seldom use it. They cycle everywhere in the city - and to other towns, too. I also have a nephew who has never wanted to drive. I don't understand how they all manage it, but they do.

I've got to jump in on the transit thing. I went car-free about 4 years ago, and honestly, I have no interest in ever having one again. They are an expensive nuisance. We have a really good transit system here.

With my recent move, we have a stop literally out front!

Also, switching to transit eliminated road rage 100%.

[Soupe du jour]

I thought I had a video session with my American psychiatrist about 15 minutes ago. I was waiting, and he comes on and tells me that I'm an hour early. I responded "I know the US had DST yesterday, but Czech Rep has it next Sunday. I worked so hard to get this right!" Nevertheless, I was in the wrong. I yelled to my husband and he told me it was one hour earlier than my laptop showed. I then looked at my cell phone and it confirmed that. Apparently though my laptop is set to Czech time, my calendar is still based on US, so my laptop observed US DST, while everything else is waiting for Czech. Obviously I was only looking at my laptop these past couple hours. Anyway, I'm glad I was one hour early, rather than one hour late. I'll try him again in 45 mins.

I'm not having any significant withdrawal issues from my Klonopin reduction. If any, it's a slight decreased mood state and an occasional dizzy feeling. Nothing concerning. I have been ultra tired very soon after my evening medications. Earlier than usual, and to a degree where I am desperate to sleep. One night I managed to stay up late, but it was almost painful doing so. I'm wondering if my psychiatrist will reduce my Klonopin again today. If so, it will be from 0.25 mg to approximately 0.125 mg. That's near the home stretch. I read that 2 weeks is usually the peak of any withdrawal issues from reductions. If so, the above-mentioned makes sense since I'm nearing that mark. But then I assume with the next reduction, there will be yet another 2 weeks to peak. It's possible I'll be just fine. Or maybe it will be worse with the next reduction.

Update: Just had my video session. Pdoc decided that given my short supply, and my success so far, I will try stopping the Klonopin, starting tonight. Wish me luck! Frankly, it shocked me that he said 0 mg instead of cutting the 0.25 mg in half.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing good today. I’m kind of tired but that’s to be expected I guess. I slept pretty well last night. My mom got her second moderna shot today. She is tired but then aren’t we all. I may go take a long nap in a bit. I hope she doesn’t have too much of a tough time with the side effects. I took a one year after being on T picture today. My weight hasn’t changed much since I started T last March but I look a lot better. I took a picture last March and then I took one today to compare the 2. My whole body shape is different. I am now pretty narrow and I don’t really have hips anymore. My stomach is flatter. I am happy with how it’s going. I’ll be even happier once I get my chest taken care of in a month or so.

I’m kinda turned on right now but in a weird way. Like it’s actual people turning me on. I don’t know. It must be the shot I got on Saturday. This is weird but I’m kind of in the denial stage about ending things with my therapist. I for some reason think I’m still meeting with her and I am planning on what to tell her. Even though I don’t see her anymore. I don’t know. It’s a very strange feeling. Hopefully my next appointment on Thursday with the new one will help me get over things. I last saw my old T on the 23rd of February. I can’t imagine these feelings going on much longer. They can’t be this strong forever. I don’t think.

[*Beth*]

Monday morning! Here's to a stable week for all of us! At this time tomorrow I will have been vaccinated! I'm more excited than a puppy

[Nammu]

Awwww we’re getting 6-8 inches of the white stuff. They said less yesterday but then it started in, coming down heavy and fast. ☺️ and I thought spring was on the way. Good thing I went to the store yesterday.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Pdoc decided that given my short supply, and my success so far, I will try stopping the Klonopin, starting tonight. Wish me luck! Frankly, it shocked me that he said 0 mg instead of cutting the 0.25 mg in half.

I didn't realize tapering was such a big issue. 0.25 mg is next to nothing. I've been on as much as 3 mg Klonopin a day & never thought to taper. To the best of my knowledge, I never experienced any withdrawls when I cut back. While I'm still prescribed 3 mg per day PRN, I only take about 1 mg daily. I'm glad you're being so cautious about cutting back, though.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I didn't realize tapering was such a big issue. 0.25 mg is next to nothing. I've been on as much as 3 mg Klonopin a day & never thought to taper. To the best of my knowledge, I never experienced any withdrawls when I cut back. While I'm still prescribed 3 mg per day PRN, I only take about 1 mg daily. I'm glad you're being so cautious about cutting back, though.

I definitely know it's small. The 0.5 mg was luckily small. I had been on that dose (or higher) for about 10 years now. A concern he had was that reducing would reduce my sleep and/or be the tiny little thing that makes my stability start to turn. Almost every single year I have been vulnerable to some level of mania as spring approached. Hopefully it will be just a pleasant "mood upswing" as I like to call it, and nothing more concerning. I haven't reached psychotic mania since 2018, but have had my fair share of hypomania in springs after that.

[gina_re]

Today wasn't so bad. But I was exhausted this morning from the spring forward and me waking up several times during the night. I struggled getting up this morning. I can't wait to get this sleep study done so I can confirm that sleep apnea is what is giving me this excessive daytime sleepiness for so long now. But work was pretty good. Now I'm sitting in the cafeteria to get some reading done for school. So much reading to do....

[Mountaindewed]

I kind of want to go inpatient right now. But I think I just want to go to avoid the stuff that’s going on in my life. The move mainly. Also my new T. This happened last time a few days before I first met her. I got legit roid rage from so much stress and I threw a glass at the wall and then I yanked off my shirt which was covered in water and I layed down and I was breathing so hard my chest was heaving. And that is when I felt like a legit angry dude. And all I could think of was “I am a man.”

I just feel like going IP and then when I get out it will almost be time to move. These days are just dragging on. I am not S or thinking of SH and I have no urges. I just feel off. So I wouldn’t actually be admitted. Probably get sent back to IOP though. I think I just want to avoid my real life.

My 6 year anniversary out of the hospital is on the 17th. Maybe I’m thinking of that as well. I’ve only gone 3 times in 12 years. I’ve had a **** ton of close encounters especially in 2020.

[Moose72]

Nammu! You're getting that much snow! Ugh. I'd be pissed if that happed here. I know we aren't out of the woods yet- It snowed in May last year!- but I'd like to not have any more than a dusting for the next few months.

I'm tired still. I didn't sleep at all last night at all- tossing and turning the whole time- but luckily I slept from 1-4 p.m. today. I'm still sleepy but not desperately like this morning.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I kind of want to go inpatient right now. But I think I just want to go to avoid the stuff that’s going on in my life. The move mainly. Also my new T. This happened last time a few days before I first met her. I got legit roid rage from so much stress and I threw a glass at the wall and then I yanked off my shirt which was covered in water and I layed down and I was breathing so hard my chest was heaving. And that is when I felt like a legit angry dude. And all I could think of was “I am a man.”

I just feel like going IP and then when I get out it will almost be time to move. These days are just dragging on. I am not S or thinking of SH and I have no urges. I just feel off. So I wouldn’t actually be admitted. Probably get sent back to IOP though. I think I just want to avoid my real life.

My 6 year anniversary out of the hospital is on the 17th. Maybe I’m thinking of that as well. I’ve only gone 3 times in 12 years. I’ve had a **** ton of close encounters especially in 2020.

Once I had myself IP'd because I was just plain exhausted from life. I wasn't sui, even. I just needed to be in a place where nothing was expected of me and I could hang out with other people like me. It was helpful, for the most part.

[*Beth*]

A chilly day. I feel like crawling into bed and snuggling up. (I'll enjoy coming back and reading this in 4 months, haha.)

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

A chilly day. I feel like crawling into bed and snuggling up. (I'll enjoy coming back and reading this in 4 months, haha.)

It was 25 here this morning! Brrr....

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Almost every single year I have been vulnerable to some level of mania as spring approached. Hopefully it will be just a pleasant "mood upswing" as I like to call it, and nothing more concerning. I haven't reached psychotic mania since 2018, but have had my fair share of hypomania in springs after that.

I'd be curious to hear about the experience of others where this is concerned. As I've grown older, I experience depression with the same frequency, but have fewer "mood upswings." I used to get pretty hypo as spring & early-summer approached, too...but not so much in recent years. While I wouldn't ever want to be full-blown manic again, I miss those hypo-bursts. I don't know if it's the meds, or just the aging process but I miss that life-affirming & creative energy. I guess I should learn to appreciate stability.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'd be curious to hear about the experience of others where this is concerned. As I've grown older, I experience depression with the same frequency, but have fewer "mood upswings." I used to get pretty hypo as spring & early-summer approached, too...but not so much in recent years. While I wouldn't ever want to be full-blown manic again, I miss those hypo-bursts. I don't know if it's the meds, or just the aging process but I miss that life-affirming & creative energy. I guess I should learn to appreciate stability.

I could have written this post. I very much miss the micro bursts. I do get more cheerful with longer days but don’t experience the increase in energy. Meds or aging I don’t know. Been on the same cocktail for around 5 years and been stable so I’m afraid to mess with it.

My first night at 15mg of Valium in my benzo taper went fine. I hear @Soupe du jour's plan and wonder if i am being too cautious. But i've been in benzo withdrawal when i didn't have access to meds as a transient in my early 30s and it's not ever something i'd want to repeat so i'll stay the course. I'm in no rush whereas she has a reason to want to come off soon.

I walked my dog again today and it was extremely hard to get myself to, i so didn't want to. I made a deal with myself that i would just take her to the dog-park so at least she could exercise and have fun. But then in the dog-park the sunshine so late in the day was so beautiful i decided i would walk her down to the corner. And when i got to the corner i was having such a nice time i continued around the whole block!

I'm real happy because i am feeling weak from a Winter of inactivity. It's getting hard to dress my lower-body, get off the couch, turn over in bed, etc. I've been walking about a week now and hope to make it a regular hobby. Apparently walking for multiple hours a day is a thing now, i've heard a man in my support group does it in a club and another man on a different site did it. Makes sense as a good activity while on disability benefits.

I'll keep my goals just small and realistic tho. Just once around the block a day until i feel stronger.

Hugs to all!

[bizi]

good going Jane@!!!!!! keep it up your pup will be happy with you!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Soupe du jour]

@whatever2013, do keep going with your benzo reductions, slowly. Believe me that if I had easy access to a US pharmacy that my psychiatrist wouldn't have taken me off mine this quickly. But maybe I will luck out and it will go smoothly. Plus buddah1too did rightly note that my starting dose on this journey was small. I am lucky about that. But if I do suffer in some way, I will find a doctor here quite quickly to prescribe a small amount. Luckily most generic benzos are inexpensive, even without not being insured quite yet.

I hope you and your doggie enjoy many more walks soon. You know it's so healthful for you both.

[Soupe du jour]

So far this morning there was chaos with both my coffee maker and morning pill box. I gave up on making coffee (Hubby cleaned up the mess) and had to totally redo six days of that pill box. Absolute confusion! Last night I initially gave Hubby his morning box instead of his evening one. Some days I wish someone would do all of that crap for me, for a change!

[Mountaindewed]

I took some cough syrup last night. Not a lot. Just to sleep though. My chest was kinda acting funny. Like my breathing maybe. I don’t know. But I kept taking these deep breaths and my stomach would move heavily. But I fell asleep and I slept through the night so I did not take my Geodon and go back to sleep. I took my Geodon when I got up at 7 and I am so tired right now. I’m lying down in bed and I’ll get up for a few minutes at a time. Then go back to lie down. I had a Mountain Dew, a cold brew coffee, and a Coke. And I’m still tired. I really think I’ll have to drop back to 60mil on the Geodon once I start working.

I tried taking a nap 15 minutes ago and I was so close to drifting off but I just couldn’t. I drank another 16oz Mountain Dew. Now I’m a bit woozy and the room is spinning a bit. I assume from so much caffeine. But my anxiety and moods are fine today.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

So far this morning there was chaos with both my coffee maker and morning pill box. I gave up on making coffee (Hubby cleaned up the mess) and had to totally redo six days of that pill box. Absolute confusion! Last night I initially gave Hubby his morning box instead of his evening one. Some days I wish someone would do all of that crap for me, for a change!

That's no way to start the day. I hope your day improved.

[MuddyBoots]

I've felt like total crap lately. Some of the time.

Possible trigger:

I self harmed and I'm really tempted by substances again

It's all because my therapist gave me some really stupid advice. I'm quitting. Not even telling her, just gonna stop showing up.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

It was 25 here this morning! Brrr....

Oh, 25 is just cruel. By "chilly" I meant 62 degrees

[*Beth*]

Hugs all around. Be safe, people. Please. Take GOOD care of yourselves.

So I had the first Moderna vaccine this morning! Everything went wonderfully well. The vaccine itself not only didn't hurt, I didn't even feel the needle. Not at all. She said Done! so quickly. Then I had to wait for fifteen minutes to make sure I felt okay, which I did. During the time I filled out a survey about my behaviors during the pandemic. For doing the survey I got a $10 gift card.

I came home and slept hard for four hours. (I'm not at all sure that the sleepiness was from the vax, though - I had a really lousy night of sleep last night.) At 2 p.m. I felt 1 cat nipping at my finger and another cat pawing me - I think they were checking to see if I was still alive, I really do