[Soupe du jour]

I'm extremely tired, and it's only 9 pm. I excused myself to let my husband and his sister have some chat time alone. I took a shower and am in my pajamas in bed.

Today we did some little touring of a town not too far from where we live. I believe we walked at least 10 to 12 kilometers (6 to 7.5 miles), and before that we did gardening for a good 45 minutes. I feel sore. I know it was too much for my husband. When he was in the bathroom at a particular place, my s-i-l commented on how out of shape he is. I'm out of shape, too, but not as blatantly so as my husband. Unlike him, I have the ability to just keep going and going even though it's uncomfortable. I even mentioned that to my s-i-l. I described it as blocking out any dread about distance (or the enormity of long treks) and just keep going and going, almost like a robot. That's not to say I didn't enjoy the walking trip. I did.

@Soupe du jour: I'm not surprised at your stamina in the face of long endeavors. You certainly are a force of nature!

It's Day 10 of my diet! Double-digits! What a struggle it has been! The hunger has been unpleasant but not hideous like when i tried last time in August and was so hangry i got censored. I could barely function then i was so hungry then so i'm glad i'm trying again. Edison failed a thousand times before he invented the light-bulb! Who knows where this will end? I'll be sad if it's just because of my high mood and i go back to overeating once the Summer heat sets in. But the only sure way to fail is not to try, so try i must!

I tried my faux chicken cutlets today and they were no good. They were an unappealing grey/brown/pink color. They were made from pea protein so i was able to eat one anyways since i know it's just plants but i'm not impressed. It was "The President's Choice" brand again.

I did more dishes today, in two lots. It's not so bad.

I had a nice time walking the dogs with my one close neighbor this morning. I so like her. Then i amused myself watching my soaps which were super today, one is so zany. Then i had a nice time listening to the radio with my eye-shade on as the Spring light bothers my eyes, so used to the Winter dark.

Well, "The Days and Nights of Jane!"

Hugs to all!

[~Christina]

Im sorry I just cant go back and catch up.

I saw my T last Wednesday and it was the first time I was in a rage that he could see, Normally I can talk about my rage. I have been throwing things and cussing a blue streak.

We have one more Zoom session and then in person. I told Richard I almost cancelled our session because I hate Zoom hate hate hate it.

I had an Appt with my Pdoc of 10 years Thursday. I told him about the meds I had to quit between the diabetes and now this Ortostatic hypotension took about 20 seconds, He said keep on Lamictal , Doxepin an Xanax, We are out out of any options, He had been out on Medical leave for almost 5 months so I knew that he would retire soon. He told me that I would be seeing a NP which is fine. I wished him a good retirement and health. He said thank you and logged right out Took less than 1.5 mins.10 years of him given me excellent help and boom it was over.

Centerstones policy is No one is prescribed a Benzo of any kind. I had been going to him for 10 years and he was fine with it. Now the NP? I have no idea. I have tried all the other non benzo meds for anxiety and nothing helps.

My husband is like " they cant just take you off of something you have been on for long... Yeah thats not how it works...

Honestly I feel like just giving up. There isnt a psych meds that will work with my diabetes, Orthostatic Hypotension and anxiety..

So I live in a non stop rage or a soul crushing depression or pure hell on earth mixed episodes??

Why in the hell bother???

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Im sorry I just cant go back and catch up.

I saw my T last Wednesday and it was the first time I was in a rage that he could see, Normally I can talk about my rage. I have been throwing things and cussing a blue streak.

We have one more Zoom session and then in person. I told Richard I almost cancelled our session because I hate Zoom hate hate hate it.

I had an Appt with my Pdoc of 10 years Thursday. I told him about the meds I had to quit between the diabetes and now this Ortostatic hypotension took about 20 seconds, He said keep on Lamictal , Doxepin an Xanax, We are out out of any options, He had been out on Medical leave for almost 5 months so I knew that he would retire soon. He told me that I would be seeing a NP which is fine. I wished him a good retirement and health. He said thank you and logged right out Took less than 1.5 mins.10 years of him given me excellent help and boom it was over.

Centerstones policy is No one is prescribed a Benzo of any kind. I had been going to him for 10 years and he was fine with it. Now the NP? I have no idea. I have tried all the other non benzo meds for anxiety and nothing helps.

My husband is like " they cant just take you off of something you have been on for long... Yeah thats not how it works...

Honestly I feel like just giving up. There isnt a psych meds that will work with my diabetes, Orthostatic Hypotension and anxiety..

So I live in a non stop rage or a soul crushing depression or pure hell on earth mixed episodes??

Why in the hell bother???

I'm so sorry, Christina. I've never heard you sound so defeated. To me, the telehealth stuff is dehumanizing, depressing in itself. But with all the psych meds there are, I feel sure that your new NP will be able to help you come up with some kind of plan. Please, remember to breathe and to hang on to hope...it is there

[buddha1too]

I've not been around much lately. Been feeling awfully anxious to the core, & not feeling very good about myself. This, too, shall pass...

[bizi]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I've not been around much lately. Been feeling awfully anxious to the core, & not feeling very good about myself. This, too, shall pass...

I am sorry you are having a rough time now. things will improve as you do.
bizi

[bizi]

@~Christina,
I am sorry you are having a rough go ahead.
trust that things will work their way through to a new normal.
I am sorry that you have had some falls if remember correctly.
heavy sigh
love bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Do you mean long qt syndrome?

no it's not my AP's. It's an interaction between my AD and my prn.

[Victoria'smom]

@~Christina I'm sorry

[unlived]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

no it's not my AP's. It's an interaction between my AD and my prn.

All sorts of medications can cause it - not just APs. But if you don’t have it it doesn’t matter

[Soupe du jour]

My s-i-l left for her home a little bit ago. In some ways I was sad to see her leave. In an other, I was glad to be done entertaining. Tomorrow, some restrictions will be lifted where I live in, though not to the degree as most places in the US. I'm sort of feeling like I don't know what's next, and yet I know some things that should be next.

My husband's best friend, who lives in the US, is extremely sick with covid-19. I'm not sure why he didn't get vaccinated. His wife did, and she's very glad she did. He's been so ill that he's been taken to the ER three times already, but they keep sending him home. He hasn't been able to sleep or eat for several days, and can't even go to the bathroom. His wife says he's lost about 20 lbs. He's normally a very stoic kind of guy, but the last time my husband talked to him, his voice was so weak (different) and he was talking as if he only had a few days left to live, giving my husband instructions for after his possible death. Yesterday that friend sent an email to my husband, written in ALL CAPS, which was quite odd. He was begging my husband to go to NJ to get him and bring him to Czech Republic in order to "get real medical care". [The friend is also a Czech and American.] My husband thinks his friend is so ill that he is becoming delirious. I think that's likely true, given the contrast in his behavior versus his norm. Obviously my husband can't go to him right now. I feel so worried.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I've not been around much lately. Been feeling awfully anxious to the core, & not feeling very good about myself. This, too, shall pass...

I hope to see you around more. Anxiety is the worst.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

...

OMG, your husband's best friend - awful. I'm so sorry to hear of his very difficult situation. I do wonder why he wasn't vaccinated. I SO wish more people would take covid more seriously! I hope and pray he recovers, Soupe.

[*Beth*]

I've been doing quite well, especially with diligently practicing anxiety reduction techniques. Had a bit of a "lapse" last night...not sure what happened; I felt very odd with a sudden, random depression. Hopefully, I was just tired...the feeling seems to be gone today.

I had an intriguing dream. Dreamt I was in a class and the professor was excruciatingly demanding, insisting only on near-perfect work. I was anxious with doing the best I could and, for the most part, succeeded. But one project came along and I fell short of success. Initially, I felt like a failure - I so wanted to please the professor. But at the last moment I looked right at him and firmly said, "I did the very best I could, and that was enough."

!!!!! I was so shocked that my own words awoke me. Normally, I would be deeply involved in pleasing the prof and beating up on myself for "failing." not so in this case; I was quite firm in my internal feeling of genuinely doing my best and, in that, felt successful. The dream left it's mark on me, tells me that even unconsciously, my hard work in therapy is paying off.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

OMG, your husband's best friend - awful. I'm so sorry to hear of his very difficult situation. I do wonder why he wasn't vaccinated. I SO wish more people would take covid more seriously! I hope and pray he recovers, Soupe.

My guess is procrastination, since he's not an anti-vaxer. He certainly regrets not getting it now.

Thanks for the well wishes for him.

[Moose72]

I'm working on my bullet journal.one page I made a circle for each day, colored them and then the thought came to me- make them into balloons! I had made a mistake on the left page and colored it in with the same colored pencil that I made the mistake with and turned the colored circle into a balloon and then I realized that ALL the circles could be balloons!

Got up at 5:45 this morning because I said that I'd take N3's gf to work by 7. So Im a bit tired now at almost 1 p.m. I also did my laundry this morning and went grocery shopping! Ya me! Most of what I got was in the produce/meat section- even the peach-mango salsa! Now I want a nap but I'd have to take my contacts out and they are in and very comfy being so so I don't want to take them out but I can feel the nap winning.

Speaking of covid, my 2nd shot is this Wednesday. I can't wait until my 2 weeks are up after it! Then I'll feel better psychologically.

Ok I think the nap is winning... Adding some pix from my bullet journal...

I'm trying to re-animate the overweight/binge-eating forum to give and get some more support re dieting so if anyone wants to head over there and participate you are most welcome!

[Moose72]

I just woke up from my nap and my eyes are red! Wth??

I got up at 4:30am this morning. Just woke up and got up to get away from unpleasant dreams. Saw the sunrise! Enjoyed the entire hour of direct sunlight i get on my West wall. I sat in the sun on the sofa drinking herbal tea and snuggling my dog. It was delightful!

Day 11 of my diet went well. It was warmer today so i took a page from @FluffyDinosaur's book and drank two liters of cold water! It was so nice to have a drink i could guzzle, instead of sipping tea and milk. Also, it was completely without remorse as water is the perfect drink for a dieter. Also, it's free as i just drink tap water. Our city water is excellent.

I will be going to bed before sunset today tho. It's been a long day. But enjoyable!

Ta!

Jane.

[Moose72]

My friend whom I haven't seen in several years wants to come see me. At first he said Wednesday then I said I have my 2nd covid shot that day. He replied that he's not vaccinated - and not planning on being so - and he doesn't want me to "shed" around him. So then he told me that his unvaccinated son just moved back in with him after a month of being gone and that they're working construction together. I told him that I don't want to get together anymore after he is so un social distanced and having his son who is not vaccinated either contributing to spreading covid. It's too bad because I really want to see him again but not if he's scaring me about covid. And he can only come this week not after I get my second shot so oh well.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so sorry, Christina. I've never heard you sound so defeated. To me, the telehealth stuff is dehumanizing, depressing in itself. But with all the psych meds there are, I feel sure that your new NP will be able to help you come up with some kind of plan. Please, remember to breathe and to hang on to hope...it is there

Hey Beth Thank you

Honestly there isnt any options as for Psych meds due to them all increasing blood sugar levels also for me due to my physical health problems and the medications I already take.

I wont see my T again until the 12th. I wish it was sooner, But thats impossible.

I do feel very defeated.. defeated rage? A very unique combo for sure.

[~Christina]

I dont feel any better about the way things ended with my Pdoc. All the uncertainty about the NP and what her guidelines about benzos are is stressing me out really bad. I have been hitting my Xanax hard ( no need to worry )

Honestly I just wish I could sleep 24/7

I am just so over everything

Hugs to anyone in need

[Soupe du jour]

I'm just so extremely sad that I couldn't help crying. My husband's best friend is still so utterly sick with covid-19, and definitely seems delirious. He has contacted his main contacts in Czech Republic (in addition to my husband) telling them what he needs their help with after he dies. And in addition to this, he keeps asking people in Czech Republic, including my husband, to go to the US and bring him to Czech Republic to come here to a hospital. Obviously that's not possible and the request itself shows his delirium. My husband has been in contact with the other two main contacts here in CZ. His wife has taken him to their local hospital in New Jersey three times, but they keep sending him home because his lungs seem fine. I told my husband that if it were me so sick, that he (my husband) would have taken me to New York Presbyterian Hospital by now. My husband agreed that he would have. It is heart-breaking that his friend is experiencing so much mental anguish. It's just beyond horrible! Both my husband and I read online that neurological issues are not uncommon as a result of covid. I just hope that his friend (assuming he will live) won't have any lasting neurological damage.

Today will likely be my last session with my American psychiatrist, via video session, after 14 years knowing him. That in itself would be a stressful and cry-provoking thing, but there is just so much going on. Unless my American psychiatrist starts seeing me for free or on a generous sliding scale. For those unfamiliar with me, I do have a new psychiatrist in CZ. It's not that I have none.

@Soupe du jour:

So sorry to read that your husband's friend is doing so poorly with COVID. Perhaps the fact that they keep sending him home from the hospital indicates that his physical health is not that bad? Perhaps it's mostly a mental issue that will pass? That's my guess anyways. Hate to think his hospital would turn away a genuinely gravely physically ill patient. And you've said yourself, different people have different pain thresholds. Yours is very high. Perhaps this man's is low and he is panicking over something not that dire. Anyway, hope the situation is resolved soon.

Today you say goodbye to your American psychiatrist of many years. It will be another sad moment. You've had a wonderful relationship with him tho and i'm sure you will remember each other fondly.

Ta!

Jane.