I sat in the sun in my own home! I got up at 5:45am again today to watch the sunrise. It comes in at an oblique angle. It lights up my sofa so i sat there to eat my breakfast raspberries! Aah, such pleasures!

[Soupe du jour]

I had my second appointment with my new Czech psychiatrist. He is a very nice doctor, but I confess I was mortified by a screw up of mine. It's not a HUGE deal, but I can't help but react as if it is. I got so upset that I exhibited anxious fast-paced behavior. He asked me if I felt I was elevated in mood. I really am not, and I told him I wasn't, but was just anxious. He asked if I have social anxiety. I told him no, but just was nervous (giving no reason). Truth is I had a freakout more from performance anxiety than any social anxiety. It will pass.

Hubby and I planted some things outside. We have lots more left to do.

Hubby bought a whole bunch of dried flowers for a permanent type arrangement for our bedroom. I asked if it was for my upcoming birthday (in mid May) and he said no. Gotta admit that this type of thing bugs me, sometimes. It's one thing giving me surprise flowers "just because", but he did tell me he ordered them. I don't know why he didn't ask me to help pick them out. There are many things like that that he buys on his own. If it's some electronic gizmo, I don't give a damn. But flowers? Isn't that sort of supposed to be a woman's kind of thing to pick out sometimes? I suppose if he was the flower arranger in the family, that would be different. Hey, men can like flowers, right? But I'm the one always tasked with flower arranging. It is an old small hobby of mine, but I do still like some input into the flowers themselves.

By the way, my husband was slightly involved in my screw up. Ultimately it was mine, though.

[wildflowerchild25]

Took me about three hours to be able to leave my room yesterday. I just got back from having bloodwork done which was an absolute nightmare even though it only took like five minutes. I was super jumpy and looking behind me the whole time. I’m resting before I talk to my pdoc and go to work. I just need to get in the building and to my classroom and eventually I will relax a little bit. It’s only a half day for the students so I’ll have quiet in the afternoon. Considering leaving the classroom in the afternoon and going to the small resource room which only has space for one person. It will be quiet and no one will know I’m there so it’ll be partly secure. I just took some Xanax too to make sure it kicks in before I leave and I’m safe to drive.

I sure hope my pdoc steps up and does something, for real.

[wildflowerchild25]

This mother****er said I need to go inpatient are you ****ing kidding me how ****ing humiliating. I don’t think I’m gonna go. She said I could try outpatient but they don’t have an opening until next week and these ****ing people are recommending DBT which DOESN’T ****ING WORK FOR ME **** YOU.

I’m going to lay quietly in my bed under my blanket and never ****ing move until I die.

[Nammu]

DBT what little I got of it was very helpful. It’s more eastern based.

Oh, I’m wanting to climb back into bed and hide. My sister is here. Happily hyper helpful here. I want her to calm down. I just got up, I need time alone to wake up. And shhhh. Hush.

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

I am feeling devastated right now. Last night my dog and I were sitting on the couch and then I left the room for a bit. When I got back my dog was on the floor having seizures. We tried calling vets to see if there was an emergency vet on call. We couldn`t find one. My dogs seizures never stopped. He passed away last night and I miss him already. He was my baby and buddy for 12 years. I am hurting really badly right now. This morning we took him to get cremated and I will have his ashes in 4 to 6 weeks. I am feeling beyond sad right now.

Oh, VerMOZZica, I am SO sorry!!!!! That is very rough. I wish there were magical words to ease your pain. You will be in my thoughts. Sending comforting vibes...

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Took me about three hours to be able to leave my room yesterday. I just got back from having bloodwork done which was an absolute nightmare even though it only took like five minutes. I was super jumpy and looking behind me the whole time. I’m resting before I talk to my pdoc and go to work. I just need to get in the building and to my classroom and eventually I will relax a little bit. It’s only a half day for the students so I’ll have quiet in the afternoon. Considering leaving the classroom in the afternoon and going to the small resource room which only has space for one person. It will be quiet and no one will know I’m there so it’ll be partly secure. I just took some Xanax too to make sure it kicks in before I leave and I’m safe to drive.

I sure hope my pdoc steps up and does something, for real.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

This mother****er said I need to go inpatient are you ****ing kidding me how ****ing humiliating. I don’t think I’m gonna go. She said I could try outpatient but they don’t have an opening until next week and these ****ing people are recommending DBT which DOESN’T ****ING WORK FOR ME **** YOU.

I’m going to lay quietly in my bed under my blanket and never ****ing move until I die.

WFC, I'm sorry you're having such a rough sled of it. Got a little behind in reading. I don't want to push any buttons, but maybe IP isn't a terrible idea. I'm sorry you're seeing it as humiliating. I don't think it is. It might be good, even if just for a break from trying to keep up with life responsibilities while you're feeling like this. Yeah?

[*Beth*]

wfc, I agree with Innerzone. I'm not with you of course, but from your posts you sound like you're having a seriously hard time. The struggle you're having has to be absolutely exhausting.

[Nammu]

Ohhhh aaahh my sister is getting on my last nerve! Aaa she comes to vacuum as it’s something hard for me to do but she moves everything and doesn’t put it back properly and she moves things she has no business movie stuffing it in my room. I’ve only got the one room there’s no room for anything else it’s like they’re saying stay in your room. It’s not got storage. Oh I’m fed up. I’ve lived here more than 4 years now and it’s like keep everything that mine in my tiny room.

[buddha1too]

I'm sorry to read that the situation is pretty frustrating. Given everything you do for your mother, you shouldn't have to feel that way. Everyone needs a little space to call one's own.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Ohhhh aaahh my sister is getting on my last nerve! Aaa she comes to vacuum as it’s something hard for me to do but she moves everything and doesn’t put it back properly and she moves things she has no business movie stuffing it in my room. I’ve only got the one room there’s no room for anything else it’s like they’re saying stay in your room. It’s not got storage. Oh I’m fed up. I’ve lived here more than 4 years now and it’s like keep everything that mine in my tiny room.

Oooh, that sounds stressful.

[Nammu]

Thanks guys. I lost it broke down in tears and ran off to the bedroom. It’s not like I have options. All I have is SSDI and that doesn’t begin to cover rent in this state. You’d think a town that’s dying would have low rent but it doesn’t. I lost my sec 8 when I moved up here. It was supposed to transfer but it went to a big black hole.

@Nammu: I'm sorry to read everything is so stressful for you now. I also find it unpleasant to have others in my space. I like my privacy. But perhaps you will enjoy the deep cleaning your sister is doing once she is gone? Housing is a desperate problem for many disabled people. When i was poor in my early 30s i found i could get food and clothing for free or for a pittance but no one is going to give you a permanent place to live for free. I spent 90% of my subsistence income on market-value rent and i'd do it again. A home is essential for safety and safety is most important. In my hometown, a small town like yours, one woman i knew waited twelve (12) years for subsidized housing. It's really a crisis. Is there any possibility you can get your Section Eight subsidy back? (I'm Canadian, i don't know how these things work in the US.)

I went in for another adjustment to my glasses and the saleswoman was hostile. I think they work on commission and/or perhaps her manner is just harsh. I dealt mostly with the optician who is more pleasant. My glasses may be okay but only time will tell. I have that ZOOM community meeting at 6:00pm so that will be the real test, whether i look decent on screen or not for the duration.

I watched part of a city council meeting on our YouTube channel and my own councilor was excellent as always, pointing out that paid sick leave actually increases profits because a sick person coming to work does not spread their illness and cause multiple absences. We're capitalist and all about profit so i thought that was a good argument and told him so in an email. He's so attentive, he responded right away, thanking me for my kind words. I'll see him this evening too. A young guy, don't know how he copes with the avalanche of details of his job, i was so overwhelmed i sat quietly with my eye-shade on, snuggling my dog, for an hour after the council meeting! I guess that's the gift of youth tho, you can tolerate that sort of thing.

Starting to feel a little sleep deprivation unpleasantness but it's no where near as bad as other years. Still trucking with my diet but i can see that i will have to get cooking for myself someday as my frozen food is shockingly caloric. A small burritto has 325 cals! Ack! And that's just one! For such a little amount of food, that's not reasonable.

Hugs to all!

[Sunflower123]

Whew-wee! They work me hard in PT if I haven’t said that already. It takes me a day to recover. I just got out and feel like I have spaghetti arms and legs. I’m all in though. It will be difficult to get the trash out to the road.

My brother and sister have really stepped up to the plate. My brother took mom and her dog to the vet in the next town over and my sister has taken mom’s taxes to the CPA and picked up our new microwave and set it up. She also brought over a delicious meal. It’s taken so much stress off of me. Miracles abound.

My brother’s second vaccine is tomorrow and we’re all excited. I’m impatient for it to get done.

Doing pretty good.

Hugs to all!

[*Beth*]

The temperature is awfully warm, awfully fast. Today I'm making it okay with open windows and fans, but tomorrow will likely require a/c. The heat has kinda hit my stomach. I love water and drink very much of it, but sometimes in the heat plain water can cause an upset stomach. When I was a little girl and read the "Little House" books, Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about how Ma brought Laura and Pa ginger water to drink when they were over-heated and thirsty so their stomachs stayed calm. Well, since that time when I'm too hot but thirsty, I brew ginger tea and pour it over ice. That's what I finally did today and I feel much better now.

Hugs all around

[Victoria'smom]

I'm calmer, anxiety, easily overwhelmed, agitated is high but that's it. My leg has stopped bouncing. Having people over is overwhelming but good.

[Soupe du jour]

BethRags, I usually drink ginger ale when my stomach is upset. I think it really helps. It was especially helpful when I suffered migraines and was on Lithium. I don't even know if they sell it in my new country.

It's 2:10 am. I woke up for some reason. Earlier I tore off my left wrist brace in a half sleep. It's more comfortable on the right. I am still upset about the screw up I mentioned, but still know it does no good. It's over.

I think this coming video appointment with my American psychiatrist, on Monday, will be my last with him. I'll start only going to my Czech psychiatrist. My sadness in knowing I will likely never see him again is great. I have been going to him for 14 years.

Just a quick update that i attended my ZOOM info session on a development in our neighborhood which will include 50 boutique hotel units that i am so excited about as it will provide affordable alternate accommodations in the neighborhood when construction in my building is too unbearably noisy as we experienced these past two years with our balcony rejuvenations and will again in a few years with our planned podium restoration. There really hasn't been any option for alternative accommodations in the neighborhood since a pretty hotel was converted into a retirement residence.

I SPOKE AT THE MEETING!!! My experience with my mental health events helped as i am familiar with the ZOOM tech. I did really well! I spoke slowly and clearly and remembered to use a French accent in the pronunciation of my last name as we are a bilingual city and i want to show respect to our French citizens as there is some friction between the two groups. I was very positive and upbeat and said i was excited and thrilled and asked what was the difference between a "limited use hotel" and a "boutique hotel" as both terms have been used. They seem to mean the same thing, that it is a basic and affordable room with no amenities which is ideal for me as i just want a way to escape the racket here at my building. "Boutique hotel" sounds cuter so i will call it that from now on.

My glasses were fine! My eyes were centered in the lenses and clearly visible and there was minimal adjustment required. So pleased!

My city councilor was there but he did not speak but it was nice for me to know that he could see me and hear me speak so well.

Feeling very good!

@Jennifer 1967: So glad your siblings are helping with some of the heavy lifting. You sure deserve their help.

@BethRags: The things we learn from the most unusual sources! "Little House on the Prairie" teaches us about ginger water! Everything we experience comes in handy sooner or later!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

BethRags, I usually drink ginger ale when my stomach is upset. I think it really helps. It was especially helpful when I suffered migraines and was on Lithium. I don't even know if they sell it in my new country.

It's 2:10 am. I woke up for some reason. Earlier I tore off my left wrist brace in a half sleep. It's more comfortable on the right. I am still upset about the screw up I mentioned, but still know it does no good. It's over.

I think this coming video appointment with my American psychiatrist, on Monday, will be my last with him. I'll start only going to my Czech psychiatrist. My sadness in knowing I will likely never see him again is great. I have been going to him for 14 years.

Ginger ale is terrific.

What a huge, huge change for you, with regard to your psychiatrist. There's not much I can say except that I hope your last appointment will be sweet and go smoothly

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Just a quick update that i attended my ZOOM info session on a development in our neighborhood which will include 50 boutique hotel units that i am so excited about as it will provide affordable alternate accommodations in the neighborhood when construction in my building is too unbearably noisy as we experienced these past two years with our balcony rejuvenations and will again in a few years with our planned podium restoration. There really hasn't been any option for alternative accommodations in the neighborhood since a pretty hotel was converted into a retirement residence.

I SPOKE AT THE MEETING!!! My experience with my mental health events helped as i am familiar with the ZOOM tech. I did really well! I spoke slowly and clearly and remembered to use a French accent in the pronunciation of my last name as we are a bilingual city and i want to show respect to our French citizens as there is some friction between the two groups. I was very positive and upbeat and said i was excited and thrilled and asked what was the difference between a "limited use hotel" and a "boutique hotel" as both terms have been used. They seem to mean the same thing, that it is a basic and affordable room with no amenities which is ideal for me as i just want a way to escape the racket here at my building. "Boutique hotel" sounds cuter so i will call it that from now on.

My glasses were fine! My eyes were centered in the lenses and clearly visible and there was minimal adjustment required. So pleased!

My city councilor was there but he did not speak but it was nice for me to know that he could see me and hear me speak so well.

Feeling very good!

@Jennifer 1967: So glad your siblings are helping with some of the heavy lifting. You sure deserve their help.

@BethRags: The things we learn from the most unusual sources! "Little House on the Prairie" teaches us about ginger water! Everything we experience comes in handy sooner or later!

A wonderful report of your day! Congratulations!

[Moose72]

It was warm today- 83. My apartment got to be nearly that hot so I ran the a/c unit just to take it down to 71.

I picked up N3 downtown and drove back to my place as we'd picked up something to eat. Then we went to Meijer so I could get milk and return my pop cans but the bottle return was closed. I also tried to write in my bullet journal but I think I messed it up already! 😮😬😨

[VerMOZZica]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Oh, VerMOZZica, I am SO sorry!!!!! That is very rough. I wish there were magical words to ease your pain. You will be in my thoughts. Sending comforting vibes...

Thank you Innerzone . Everyone`s support has meant so much to me.

I am very, very sad right now. Every time I go in to my bedroom. I see his blankets and the pillow he used to sleep on my bed. I still expect to see him there. I really miss him.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

Thank you Innerzone . Everyone`s support has meant so much to me.

I am very, very sad right now. Every time I go in to my bedroom. I see his blankets and the pillow he used to sleep on my bed. I still expect to see him there. I really miss him.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

Thank you Innerzone . Everyone`s support has meant so much to me.

I am very, very sad right now. Every time I go in to my bedroom. I see his blankets and the pillow he used to sleep on my bed. I still expect to see him there. I really miss him.

I'm sorry you're hurting.