Bipolar check-in #56

I got my visteril with no issue. I haven’t taken it yet since I haven’t picked it up. My mom is at Walgreens now. I know it worked pretty good before for my anxiety with minimal side effects. But trying to lose weight on it was a pain even though it didn’t really cause increased hunger or weight gain. But even if I use it just for the next week while I finish with PMS and use it for the anxiety because of my surgery, then I think things will be better and I can ease up on my Xanax. My anxiety is just so out of control even with cutting out coffee and mostly drinking just caffeine free soda now.

I took the visteril. My anxiety is ok now. I’m not having any side effects except I’m nauseated a bit and tired.

I am delighted to report that for the first day in quite a while London has been entirely himself! Eating plenty, drinking water, hanging out with me, and so on. It seems he has a super-sensitive tummy. Hopefully the prescription food is doing it's job.

I am still in an extremely anxious state. And depressed. I need to find a way to feel meaning in my life. It's difficult, at age 58, especially during covid. All day I just look forward to bedtime. It's not a way to live.
Another mass shooting, this time in San Jose (California). Such things are hard to hear, and to live with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I got my visteril with no issue. I haven’t taken it yet since I haven’t picked it up. My mom is at Walgreens now. I know it worked pretty good before for my anxiety with minimal side effects. But trying to lose weight on it was a pain even though it didn’t really cause increased hunger or weight gain. But even if I use it just for the next week while I finish with PMS and use it for the anxiety because of my surgery, then I think things will be better and I can ease up on my Xanax. My anxiety is just so out of control even with cutting out coffee and mostly drinking just caffeine free soda now. I took the visteril. My anxiety is ok now. I’m not having any side effects except I’m nauseated a bit and tired.

You're so fortunate to be so close to your mom. My mother was quite mentally ill, but she mellowed a lot as she aged. I miss her, especially now that I'm older.

I was eating raw hazel nuts throughout the day and then I breathed in some of the chewed up bits. Well my body did not like that at all! I coughed so hard so long that my arms hurt! Eventually I coughed up enough stuff that I could relax. Makes me think that if I really coyld not breathe how would I call 911 to talk with them? I mean coughing is breathing so I knew I'd be ok eventually but what if it had completely blocked my airway and I couldn't talk. How do you call 911?

I'm taking N3's gf to work tomorrow but at noon instead of 7. I wouldn't mind 7 actually.

It was 62 here today! I had my balcony door open and a little fan pulling in the cool air. My apartment stayed at 70 then!

I only talked with Caleb for a very short time today since I got up so late.

My aloe plant is coming back to life now that I brought it inside again. All its leaves were brown and some were very thin but now they are turgid and growing greener by the day! They are a nice green about half way up each leaf.

Beth, glad your cat is better now!

I'm doing just lousy mentally and physically... Hoping tomorrow is better.

Jennifer, sorry your Florida trip is out, but glad your going to make other trips. I hope your brother improves quickly

Soupe I hope you can get some answers about your friend soon.

Beth Fantastic news on London ! I hope your feeling better soon.

Nammu ! Ahhhhh Flowers.. I should get some, I just dont want to mess with them.

Hugs to all

Great news! Please give your sweet kitty a pet from me.

I hope that as spring progresses that your mood will lift. As you likely know, it can quite quickly.

I just finished showering

and ugg it hurts.

someone tell me why showers are so... you know, painfully painfull?

and my back's killing me

another week is over. another week of doing absolutely nothing is over

timewaster should be my middle name..

@buddha1too and all:

Haha, buddha1too!!! You certainly got the GIANT part right (currently ~250 ppunds -- blech!)

So glad your kitty is doing better! I hope London continues to be well.

I’m sorry you are struggling. I need to find meaning and purpose to my life as well. I lost it 4 years ago and haven’t found it since. I don’t have any words of wisdom but wanted to show my support and let you know you’re not alone.

I hope today is better for you as well. Sending supportive vibes and hugs.

@peachiee23 and all:

Welcome aboard! Jump in, the water is warm!

Sorry such a sad reason (a bipolar diagnosis) brings you here, but we make the best of it! I agree with @buddha1too, that the Lamictal should be stabilizing you, not causing crying spells. You might want to explore other reasons.

Unfortunately, bipolar is very complex and not yet well-understood by science, so a lot of trial-and-error might be required. Then again, you might be one of the lucky ones who discovers their magic cocktail fairly early. I sincerely hope it's the latter for you!

Anyways, welcome and i hope you enjoy your stay!

Rock on with your bad self,

Jane.

Late Wednesday, on the eve of the five-week-mark in my diet, i blew it and had The Mother Of All Binges, about 3000 calories. I went to bed stuffed. The next day there were... 'consequences.' I had @n@l incontinence. I $h!t my pants with diarrhea.

Oh, i despair of myself!

I talk to my doctor on Monday. I definitely have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). So i spent yesterday recovering, staying close to the toilet and sipping water. I had a friend take my dog out -- i was too afraid to go too far from a toilet.

This is all TMI of course but i want to share how serious it is.

Jane.

@BethRags and all:

So happy to hear that London has tuned a corner! Our pets are family members.

Have a beautiful day!

Jane.

Hi whatever2013. I'm sorry you had a horrible binge night. If you can, please put that behind you and get back to proper business. If another binge happens in the near future. Then put it behind you, and get back to business again. I know that when I was struggling with alcohol abuse, I "fell off the wagon" a number of times, but the effort got easier and there was less and less time between falls, over time. Determination is golden.

@Soupe du jour and all:

Yes, determination is golden.

Feeling pretty discouraged, but i know you speak the truth and have been there and speak from lived-experience. Will try my hardest to get back on the horse. Was able to manage a small breakfast today and am sipping more water to overcome the dehydration.

Thanks for your concern and your time.

Jane.

So I suppose coming down off of a manic episode is hard for me to determine where my balance will be. I was hopeful that I found it by taking my current meds, 1500 depakote, 5mg resperidone, and 20mg propranolol(3x) but now I feel like blah! I was slower to lose motivation this time since it was a quick transition the first episode I had BUT I’m afraid my mood is going to keep going south. I don’t want to get out of bed when I don’t have my daughter with me. I don’t want to do as much as I wanted to a few weeks ago. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or having a more mild depression. I don’t know if I’m over analyzing myself too much now that I know I have an illness. Like maybe I wouldn’t have thought this much into it if I was still in the dark about this. I’ve only known about it for a year and have had 2 manic episodes, so I haven’t had much experience going up and down. I know the first up and down was the worst and the second so far has been less hypomania and less depression.... and a smother transition... I just hate feeling like blah... like no point to doing things or getting up. I know I’m rambling here. Is anyone else in a funk right now even on meds? I wish they would help more. My next psych appointment I’m going to tell them so maybe they can pull back on how much I’m taking. Now that my mania is gone...

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Originally Posted by NaoSky So I suppose coming down off of a manic episode is hard for me to determine where my balance will be. I was hopeful that I found it by taking my current meds, 1500 depakote, 5mg resperidone, and 20mg propranolol(3x) but now I feel like blah! I was slower to lose motivation this time since it was a quick transition the first episode I had BUT I’m afraid my mood is going to keep going south. I don’t want to get out of bed when I don’t have my daughter with me. I don’t want to do as much as I wanted to a few weeks ago. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or having a more mild depression. I don’t know if I’m over analyzing myself too much now that I know I have an illness. Like maybe I wouldn’t have thought this much into it if I was still in the dark about this. I’ve only known about it for a year and have had 2 manic episodes, so I haven’t had much experience going up and down. I know the first up and down was the worst and the second so far has been less hypomania and less depression.... and a smother transition... I just hate feeling like blah... like no point to doing things or getting up. I know I’m rambling here. Is anyone else in a funk right now even on meds? I wish they would help more. My next psych appointment I’m going to tell them so maybe they can pull back on how much I’m taking. Now that my mania is gone...

I've been having a really rough time lately; meds don't seem to be helping my depression and anxiety much at all. It seems when I'm doing okay meds work. Otherwise they don't seem to help me stabilize from a down mood state - and certainly not from anxiety. Kinda ridiculous.

After a terrific day yesterday, London threw up last night. It was a hairball, so I'm hoping this time was just a fluke. But he goes back to the vet today. I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm so stressed and anxious.

Supposed to be 104 degrees by Monday. Ugh.

Yay! London!

Imo the greatest meaning comes from helping others which you do here, value that and maybe find even more ways to help? Have you considered writing a book to share your lived experience? Volunteering somewhere?

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Thank you Beth for responding! It is ridiculous how it’s advertised that meds solve all of our problems but they don’t. I often wonder how people in tribal groups deal with mental illness or if they don’t even make it an issue. Like what did they do before becoming “civilized.” My mom started taking meds again during her depression but she’s off them again because they didn’t work after a month. She’s lived with bipolar since her 20s and just goes through it. If I didn’t have a job and a child I probably would do the same.

We finally used our gas grill for the first time. This is our first gas one. We had homemade beef kofta kebabs with pitas, homemade tzatziki sauce, and various grilled veggies. We each ate one kebab. I wanted to share a second with Hubby, but he was a goody two-shoe and said he "didn't need the extra calories".

Both my husband and me have been running in slow mode, too. Both of us are in a funk. I'll admit that I try to deny it a little more than he does. Or at least I try a little harder to "fake it till I make it". Truth is, I do seem to be a little better at entertaining myself and finding little pleasures. I get a great deal of pleasure out of posting on Reddit.com's cooking subreddit.

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Originally Posted by NaoSky ... I often wonder how people in tribal groups deal with mental illness or if they don’t even make it an issue. Like what did they do before becoming “civilized.”...

I wonder that, too.

There's a TED Talk about how groups in third world countries deal with various mental illnesses. According to the speaker, they do a better job. There's a lot of reliance on the group in these communities and it makes them stronger, while here we exist much lonelier lives and that contributes to higher levels of mental illness. I tried to find it on youtube but no luck.

I had a very late therapy session today. When I got there the place was empty except for the receptionist. Like zero cars in the parking lot. I checked in and then the receptionist started closing windows and turning off lights. Honestly it was a bit creepy. Then she got her stuff and headed for the door and told me my therapist would be right out. I waited 5 minutes extra before my therapist came out. Today she was ok. The only funny thing she said was “oh I hope I don’t break a nail.” We talked about cognitive distortions and I can practically recite them all and I know which ones I do and how to challenge them and etc. the only therapy I’ve ever done is CBT. But my anxiety was super high just because of how strange it was to be doing therapy at this time of day. I usually have taken my meds by that time. By the time I left we were the only ones in the building and she had to unlock the door to let me out. I got takeout and I’m just trying to rewind and veg in front of the TV. My family was over all day today and now I can just relax for the weekend.

Since I’m neither medicating or self medicating I decided to try and do a 21 day sugar detox. I know that sugar is bad for mood disorders .

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