Bipolar check-in #56

Fell way behind here.... many hugs.

Today, work was brutal. The boss (hereafter referred to as B) was really being a jerk to me. Even the coworker who isn't always exactly nice to me exclaimed how brutal it was (after B left). She said she wanted to say something, but didn't want to make it worse. I thought the same. I am so appreciative of her support over this, that I am letting go of all her not nice times towards me.

I cried when I was there alone around lunchtime. I know it's not me, but D**** it's hard not to take personally when you keep getting singled out for abuse. But today, wow. Basically, I had persevered through a difficult project, and I was (just to myself) quite proud of myself for it. B lit into small imperfections, tearing into it to re-do my work, while making like I was crazy and incompetent for some issues I had to work around. It became pretty clear that B was running into these "imaginary" things in (needlessly) re-doing the project (which B was clearly furious about). And it turned out notably worse. Really glaring stuff. But relent? Apologize? No. More like snarking at me for not mind reading. Choosing the "wrong" priority at any given minute (as in being set up for whatever choice I made being the "wrong" one). Etc. and so on. And on. Talk about walking on eggshells. It was absolutely awful. It just went on and on.

BF can't believe I don't speak up for myself. But I'm not sure it's worth it. More to the point, that it would change anything. It seems to be my role there to be to blame for everything.

I'd be interested if anyone has thoughts on it though.

My anxiety has been really bad. My mood has been a bit elevated, but I can't get rid of this pit in my stomach, chest tightness, and GI problems throughout the day. My mind is racing. I took one klonopin, and it only helped a little bit. I hope it's not going to be like this for the rest of the week, because I have to work. I took a mental health day off on Thursday, because I was up all night, had paranoid thoughts and had a headache when I woke up.. My mood seems to be fluctuating a lot lately. The paranoid thoughts went away over the span of the past couple of days, and then I seemed fine, but I am being slammed with this anxiety and hyper feeling now.

So, I definitely feel myself moving towards this hypomanic state - I reached out to my pdoc to see if perhaps the medication she wanted to add should be added....
I was wondering though: how does a hypomanic state affect your appetite? Because I don't want to eat. It's nearly 2PM where I am and I've been to busy with racing thoughts to think about food!

Any time my mood is off, my appetite decreases. I've been pacing most of the morning thinking all these terrific and horrific thoughts of heaven and hell, and just now at 2PMish I managed to take a break and eat a small sweet pepper.

My therapist told me to set alarms to remind myself to at least have a quick snack throughout the day. Hasn't worked for me as I turn off the alarm and go back to pacing, but maybe it's something to try?

I've forgotten my evening medications a few times these past seven days, only remembering late late at night. I do eventually take them when I remember, but if it's 3 am that means my later morning is shot. I usually never have a Seroquel hangover anymore, unless I take them in the wee hours of the morning. I know how crucial it is to be regular about taking my meds. I think some mental stuff is going on that leads me to forget. Nothing major, but still noticeable.

Yesterday I made a homemade beef broth, simmering it for over six hours after roasting the bones, beef, and some veggies. Today I'm making a beef vegetable soup. It should be delicious. I make chicken vegetable noodle soup far more often, but really my husband loves the beef version even more. But it's more work.

There have been a few snafus we've been dealing with that are quite frustrating. I'm trying to be patient, because they will eventually work out.

So, I definitely feel myself moving towards this hypomanic state - I reached out to my pdoc to see if perhaps the medication she wanted to add should be added....
I was wondering though: how does a hypomanic state affect your appetite? Because I don't want to eat. It's nearly 2PM where I am and I've been to busy with racing thoughts to think about food!

Have you ever tried a med reminder app? I never had the need to until recently because I never forget my night meds. However, now I am on a split dose of lamictal and have to take a pill in the morning and I NEVER remember morning meds. I downloaded Medisafe and it’s kept me on schedule. There’s no way I would remember the morning med without it!

Back from...wherever I was...

I'm sitting here watching "The Me You Can't See." Interesting.

I'm emotionally low at the moment, but it's temporary thing and I'll be okay,

I went to the pool to float. Before I left, I set mother and brother up, had sister in the loop for emergencies, and silenced my phone. The water was so cold it hurt at first but I floated! After I pondered life for awhile, I went by Home Depot for some begonias and then ordered an entree to go from a Greek restaurant. I set my camp chair up in the secluded spot by the creek and enjoyed my food and then read on my Kindle. It was just what I needed. Only then did I return home to handle challenges, calls and other business. I was still able to address quite a bit of stuff in a more relaxed manner.

Although I can’t do that every day, it’s certainly a good start. We have doctor’s appointments Wednesday, Thursday and Friday so I think I’ll take advantage of tomorrow to go back to the pool and to see the new Angelina Jolie movie. Hallelujah!

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all