[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by leomama

Feeling down. Maybe I should take the Wellbutrin but I didn’t like what it was doing to my resting heart rate. Gotta go to bed soon, get up early for work. I maybe able to get my old job back which would make me happy. My current job is a downer. The paycheck isn’t enough to make me happy.

I’m sorry you were feeling down last night. How are you today? I hope you’re able to get your old job back. You deserve to be happy.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I’m sorry you were feeling down last night. How are you today? I hope you’re able to get your old job back. You deserve to be happy.

I’m at work so I’m just trying to do my job. I do too. It pays less and has no health insurance but it was a much better job.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I've felt pretty bad today, so far. Last night I forgot my evening medications until very late (around 2 am). I truly thought I took them, but when I just can't sleep, it's clear I did. Whenever I discover this my mood heads south quickly. It is usually sort of mixed with anxiety, or depressed. Crazy stuff goes on in my head. I was thinking about up and leaving and going to Ireland, of all places. But then I imagined myself there getting sick. I then realized that I forgot my husband's cell phone number. For real. I then get this reoccurring daydream that I'll be hospitalized wherever I run away to. Then when I finally did wake up after falling asleep, I started to feel that Hubby had been distant to me. It's after 4 pm. I think only after about 1 pm did that notion start to fade. Truth is he hasn't been that affectionate lately. But then I haven't either. I actually slept on the futon last night. Partly as a rebellion because of that and also because I've been a bit physically miserable. Sleeping on the futon seems to prevent my morning back and arm pain, and minimizes numb hands.

My husband called our new GP and asked that he finally order blood tests for me. I'll go for them on Tuesday. I'm way overdue. My old nephrologist had prescribed blood pressure and cholesterol meds about a year ago, and I never once had a follow-up to see how well they're helping. The blood pressure I've monitored and it does seem improved, but I can't know about the cholesterol. I have also worried about other results. Hypochondria has set in a bit, likely because of my mood decrease.

I’m sorry you don’t feel well and that you had trouble sleeping. Do you have time to rest today? I’m glad you’ll be getting blood tests. It’s good that you’re taking a positive step for your mental health. I hope you get some rest and that you feel better soon.

[Lizzie1813]

My anxiety made it hard for me to get to sleep last night. I woke up feeling tired and weary. Nausea hit me hard, and I vomited my breakfast and morning meds. I’m sipping cold water and hoping I don’t get sick again. I’m still anxious though not as much as the past two days. I took the increased dose of my Lamictal last night (300 mg). I wonder how long it will be before it starts to help. I’m hoping to muster the energy to do something creative today. I also want to keep reading “The Woman in the Window.” It’s good, so far. I hope everyone has a good day.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel better then I did yesterday. My antibiotics are working although I’m still having some burning. But I’m not exhausted or worn out the way I was yesterday. Man those UTIs can really mess you up sometimes. Today I went to my sisters to feed their cats. They are out of state. I’m a bit concerned about the state of my sisters house. It’s borderline hoarding in my opinion. They didn’t even do the dishes before they left. But maybe it’s just not what I’m used to because my house is spotless and I keep my room super organized all the time. When my sister lived at home her room was always messy and she’d have stuff growing in old coffee mugs. I don’t know. I always feel better mental health wise when everything is clean. Even the shelf in my pantry where I keep my food and my side of the freezer is very organized. I don’t think I have OCD I’m just particular about some things.

My mom is at the store now getting some stuff for our trip next week. I cannot stand shopping with her because she goes all over the store and then forgets something that’s way on the other side of Walmart. And she takes 5 minutes picking out a bag of chicken and she does other stuff like that. She has a list too. She just compares prices and I just have to stand around anxiously. when I shop at Walmart I’m in and out real fast. I know what I want, where it is, I go from one aisle to the next instead of all over. I glance at prices but I don’t compare. It’s just tedious shopping with her. Same like when we go to Kohls. She has to try on multiple pairs of shoes and it takes forever for her to decide if they fit and then she has to find the correct color and she’ll ask me what I prefer. I have no ****ing idea what women’s sandal I think is better. When I’m shopping for clothes it’s like I need size 8 shoes, camouflage shorts size 34, black T shirts size small and that’s it. It’s easy. Everything else I do online.

Sorry for the rant just shopping with someone else is anxiety provoking.

[Mountaindewed]

This is kind of weird. But I have this issue that’s been eating at me for awhile. But I don’t want to bring it up here. And I don’t want to tell my therapist because she might think badly of me. It’s nothing illegal or anything like that. It’s just like a bad personality trait I have. But I feel like my next step would be to go to a Catholic Church and do confession. I’m not a religious person but this thing about me bothers me but I don’t think people will take it well if I just tell them. My mom says that I seem to be confused on what I do and don’t believe in regarding this issue. She says it’s probably ok to bring it up with my therapist if I word it the way I’ve worded it to my mom and that it’s a behavior and trait that I do not like that I have and that I want to change.

But I’m legit considering confession.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I am east coast gal, but did live in Berkeley, CA for two years and Taiwan for almost a year. I felt earthquakes in both places. The first I ever felt was in Berkeley and I think it was only a 5.5 (or so), but it was scary and its epicenter was in northern Berkeley, so we felt the brunt. In Taiwan, I was actually severely depressed and in bed, skipping work. I was so depressed that I just stayed in bed through it (the bed was sliding the whole length of the room and back, on tile) and then went back to sleep.

I hope that quake is not followed by aftershocks.

Yeah, there's always the chance of a larger 'quake happening after a moderate one. Let's hope not...

[Mountaindewed]

My anxiety and moods are tough right now. I don’t start to PMS for another 7 days. It could be because I had my injection last Friday and my moods tend to dip in general right before I get it. I usually get my shot in the early morning. I wonder if switching it to at night will be better. It doesn’t make a difference what time of the day I get it. I don’t think. I mean, I’ve switched around with the days before and my levels have always been ok. I used to get it on Mondays. Then awhile later I switched to Sundays. Then Saturday mornings. Last week I started on Friday. Not sure if I should switch back to Saturdays or continue with Fridays now. My moods get insane on Saturdays and that’s when all the S stuff happens. I think I now realize my Saturday night issues are tied to getting my injections Saturday mornings. Not to mention I get insanely hungry. But maybe I’ll try getting it right now and see if that helps my overall moods.

Transitioning wrecks your physical health, I’ve lost count of how many infections I’ve had. I have gotten pretty bad cholesterol, and it also makes your mental health worse. I was pretty stable for about 9 years before I started my transition 16 months ago.

Edit: I just got my shot. I felt this like wave of nausea right away but it hurt pretty badly to get it. No mood swings or thoughts of SH or any intense food cravings so far.

I took 160 mil of Geodon just now. And 2 melatonin. But I didn’t have any Geodon all day. I’m hoping to permanently switch to at night and sleep well and then have my hunger controlled during the day like it was today.

It will also be helpful when I return to work.

[yellow_fleurs]

@Soupe du jour I am very late in responding to your last message and that thread is closed, but wanted to say thanks for the kind words I am sure the move abroad comes with a lot of stressors and can be isolating. I hope it gets easier. I love traveling, but am not sure I could move to a new country easily. In terms of the language, I am sure that is tough, too. Kind of funny story, I visited Poland once and had to meet up with people after arriving alone in the airport. I was in an area where hardly anyone spoke a word of English. I almost broke down crying because I could not figure out how to find the right bus and I was afraid I was going to be lost in Poland. This was also before I had a smart phone and could not look it up. All I had was a paper travel book. Fortunately some students I ran into spoke a little English and they were able to point me in the right direction. Phew! I then learned how to ask for the bus in Polish so that wouldn't happen again haha.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all! I am doing alright. Had a nice weekend last weekend. I saw some friends outside and also went hiking. Put me in quite in a good mood.

I have been working hard this week so I am ready for the weekend. I was supposed to go on a local trip with my partner and meet up with a few family and friends this weekend, but I kind of got nervous since someone had symptoms of a cold (they tested negative for Covid though). We're all vaccinated so it's probably fine, but I get anxious about stuff easily. So, I ended up not going, but I could always change my mind and still meet up. It's making me feel more lonely because I had plans and was expecting to do something. If I had planned to just be home I don't think it would bother me as much.

I also started Buspar a couple nights ago. I can't tell if it's from that or not, but I feel really tired and blah today and I don't like it. I will give it a few more days I guess, but I am sensitive and don't want to take something that makes me feel off.

Sending everyone compassion! Hope you all have a nice weekend.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've had 2 therapy appointments and 1 pdoc appointment in person this week. What a relief! SO much more is accomplished by seeing them in person, rather than by telehealth.

Tomorrow I'm meeting my friend Mary for lunch. I have a tiny bit of anxiety about it, but since she and I have been friends for 58 years - all of our lives - my excitement is more intense than my anxiety is.

In other news...here we go sliding into a week-end of scorching, over 100 degrees days. Oregon and Washington are in dire straights due to the extreme heat, which they have never had before. They've haven't needed a/c, so most don't have a/c. People are literally dying. It's horrific.

I am glad you had productive in person sessions! Telehealth really is not the same. Hope you have a great lunch! Yeah, it is really dangerous all that heat with no AC. It's awful that people are dying from it.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well my Garbage lungs took another 2 different hits yesterday.. I'm nebulizing around the clock. I have Steroids I can take but being so Mixed that easily could cause put me in alot of danger.. I'm running about 88 But I'm having drops down into low 80's so yeah that is not so good.. Its the hacking cough that Asthma attacks are all about. My voice is gone which Hey Steve gets a break from my Yakking, SO much pressured speech it drives me crazy. He's a true guy and can totally tune me out when needed thankfully.

I am literally so sick of ALL my health problems. Some I have no control over. I look over my every growing med list and even my NP doesn't see anything we can cut out.. and I don't even want to think what psych med this new Psych NP might suggest and what meds I could possibly consider..

Yesterday I got very dizzy I am sure my oxygen levels were very low that I fell in the damn shower.. Like really ???

So I have decided I'm just gonna shut up about all my physical and psych problems and spend days deciding what septum ring I will want once the piercing heals. Oh and I found a cat/dog toy.. its a fish and it uses motion sensors and flops all over.. I think Gus would have a ball with it. So yes I can spend days wandering Amazon , Ebay and any sites trying to find just the right stuff..

Oh I dont know if there are any people here who like Toms shoes?? They are having a huge sale, I got a pair with Foxes on them 24.99 ! They also have tons for 19.99.. Just throwing that out there. I just could never justify buying a pair at full price.. My Visa just cant even peek out of my wallet for many things that are just to expensive.

Hope everyone is having a Wonderful 4th of July

I hope you are breathing better now? That must have been scary. Did you get a new piercing? That's exciting! I am probably too late for the sale, but I do like Toms and foxes sound super cute!

ETA: Happy 10 year PC anniversary!

[yellow_fleurs]

@Fuzzybear I think you just put the "@" followed by the username, but since others have had issues with it I am not sure if there is more to it than that. I would make sure not to leave any spaces and maybe copy/paste the name so as to make sure it is exactly the same. Now let's see if it works...

[Sunflower123]

Now that this therapy has opened my eyes to the real issues, some of the symptoms have simply fallen away. Praise God and hallelujah that I found this person. It’s going well.

In addition, I have determined that there are specific days of the week that I will take completely off. Total stress reliever.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

[Mountaindewed]

I feel like my med manipulation was a bit out of control tonight. I often take 2 80 mil Geodon at night. But tonight I took them at the same time. This was my first time taking it in 24 hours. I feel a bit goofy right now. Restless and agitated a bit I keep running my fingers through my hair and rubbing my forehead. My therapist called this behavior “med manipulation” and always wanted to call 911 when I did it. She’d tell my Pdoc who didn’t really seem bothered by it let alone angry the way she’d get. I’ve been on 160 at night before and I’m trying to switch to taking it all at night. Maybe I should have started with a smaller dose though and worked my way up to 2 80’s. I also feel like maybe I’m just really anxious.

[Moose72]

I hung out with N3 about an hour after I took his gf to work. Just enough time to order a drink at starbucks and settle in. Then N3 called so I got my drink and drove to pick up N3. I let him drive most of the time that we were out. He's doing better but sitting in the passenger's seat makes it look like he's too close to things on that side! Freaks me out. But he did a good job over all. He needs to practice parking backward. I think N2 could help him with that. Edit: N2 said that the only reason she passed that portion of the driving test was because they didn't turn off the back-up camera during her road test. Lucky her!

I saw Peter yesterday at starbucks. He babbled on and then started talking about getting together on saturday or sunday this weekend and he just went on and on without asking me if I wanted to go in the first place. I guess I should contact him and tell him that I'm not up for getting together and for driving all the way to the town he lives in. Plus he kept saying we could eat here or get coffee there in his town but then he kept "remembering" that he "doesn't get paid until next week". He even hinted at "someone" giving him money! I think I should have said no yesterday. Now I have to do it tonight or tomorrow. I don't even know why I talk with him! He's manipulative.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel like my med manipulation was a bit out of control tonight. I often take 2 80 mil Geodon at night. But tonight I took them at the same time. This was my first time taking it in 24 hours. I feel a bit goofy right now. Restless and agitated a bit I keep running my fingers through my hair and rubbing my forehead. My therapist called this behavior “med manipulation” and always wanted to call 911 when I did it. She’d tell my Pdoc who didn’t really seem bothered by it let alone angry the way she’d get. I’ve been on 160 at night before and I’m trying to switch to taking it all at night. Maybe I should have started with a smaller dose though and worked my way up to 2 80’s. I also feel like maybe I’m just really anxious.

Have you ever considered taking the same amount of medication at the same time every day? That would keep your blood level of medication steady.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I’m sorry you’re upset and not feeling well. I think we punish ourselves so much more than others do. I’m glad you use affirmations. Do you use any that are the opposite of needing to punish yourself? Maybe something like, “I deserve to be treated with compassion, especially by myself.” ? I hope you feel better today.

That is almost an exact one that I wrote! It was “I don’t deserve abuse from anyone, including myself”. Referring to my past toxic relationship. I sometimes blame myself for that too because I stayed so long and I guarantee we would still be together if he hadn’t passed away. But I’m trying to forgive myself for that too.

[wildflowerchild25]

Today has been a good day. I spoke with the officiant on the phone and she was very pleasant. We’ve decided to go forward. So the most important part is done. Just a photographer and the restaurant for the lunch are important now. I’m not getting a fancy dress that will need to be altered so I can wait on that and I’ve decided to do bouquets and centerpieces myself with silk flowers. No DJ needed either.

I am nervous about my dental appointment tomorrow. I believe it is for a filling and some gum treatment. I hate needle in my mouth but the last time my dentist was very nice and they even have a TV playing funny animal videos to keep your mind off of things.

I am upset though because not only do I need a bridge but I may need a root canal as well. How much is all this nonsense going to cost??? Plus I have to ask them for a referral to a female endodontist because they referred me to a man and I just can’t handle having a strange man in my personal space right now.

But other than that tomorrow should be nice as there is a state fair set up in the park near my house. We are going to go for a couple hours and watch the fireworks at the end. We got cheated out of fireworks because my township show was on July 2nd when we were on vacation and the vacation town’s show was July 4 after we left! However my section of town was alight with personal (likely illegal) fireworks on the fourth so we sort of got a show

I finally had a deecent meal. well, okay, it was mcdonalds, but in my eyes, absolutely perfect. I live for fridays so I can have mcdonalds

feel a lot fuller this morning. beats having a stomach ache..

[MuddyBoots]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I took an old Remeron last night to see if that would put me to sleep and I got about 4 hours split up into 30 minute naps and now I feel even more tired but still wired and very hungry (but still disgusted by food). Yesterday all I ate was half a sandwich. This morning I had a granola bar. Everyone is lying to me, but it doesn't matter because the parasites are telling me the truth. It's not a good truth. I'm saying "sorry" for good reasons way too much because I keep flipping out. Everyone wants me dead, and I want this awful party to stop, but they're lying. I went on another site to drop hints and I hope they picked up on them because we need the parasites to take over until they fix what's wrong. They're Jesus in a snowstorm. I was having serious s thoughts last night. I don't feel myself, I think it's the parasites, but everything looks different. Things are moving and I can see the fourth dimension again and everything is fake. They keep whispering in my ears about the cameras and dammit I hate these urges. I need to do something. I don't know what. I'm doing all I can I'm listening to the whispering but nothing's happening. I should take a klonopin because that helps with the agitation a lot and that's what I'm struggling with most right now.

edit: took the klonopin. I feel a lot calmer now. Everything will wind up as it's supposed to. I'm going to need a new journal soon.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I took an old Remeron last night to see if that would put me to sleep and I got about 4 hours split up into 30 minute naps and now I feel even more tired but still wired and very hungry (but still disgusted by food). Yesterday all I ate was half a sandwich. This morning I had a granola bar. Everyone is lying to me, but it doesn't matter because the parasites are telling me the truth. It's not a good truth. I'm saying "sorry" for good reasons way too much because I keep flipping out. Everyone wants me dead, and I want this awful party to stop, but they're lying. I went on another site to drop hints and I hope they picked up on them because we need the parasites to take over until they fix what's wrong. They're Jesus in a snowstorm. I was having serious s thoughts last night. I don't feel myself, I think it's the parasites, but everything looks different. Things are moving and I can see the fourth dimension again and everything is fake. They keep whispering in my ears about the cameras and dammit I hate these urges. I need to do something. I don't know what. I'm doing all I can I'm listening to the whispering but nothing's happening. I should take a klonopin because that helps with the agitation a lot and that's what I'm struggling with most right now.

Definitely take a Klonopin if it helps.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Have you ever considered taking the same amount of medication at the same time every day? That would keep your blood level of medication steady.

I usually take half my meds at one time. It’s about the same time everyday. Then the other half, the Geodon, I take at another time but it’s not always consistent. I do try to take it as close to bedtime as possible. But sometimes my anxiety is just too sucky and I take it early. But last night I did fall asleep fairly quickly and I slept through the night and I woke up rested. So hopefully taking everything at night does work out.

[*Beth*]

I'm moving my stuff into my new apartment. There are lovely old trees outside of the new bedroom window. A beautiful view. Frustrating, though, because I can't do as much moving as I'd like to due to the heat (113 degrees/45 celcius today ). Especially being on meds I have to monitor how hot I get. And I have to remind myself that the move will get done...I actually have 9 days to finish.

[Mountaindewed]

I was reading about Heath Ledger last night and how he died of an acute accidental prescription overdose because he just wanted to sleep. It was a bit unsettling since my situation is similar and I’ve often had a lot of that stuff he took in my system at one time because I’m desperate to sleep. When I read that he was 28 when he died I clicked out of the article.

I didn’t take any Geodon this morning. So my hunger is controlled. My anxiety is pretty sucky though. I went to Sonic and I only got 2 iced teas instead of 3. A pair of shorts I ordered April 8th finally came to my correct address yesterday. Don’t buy stuff from Facebook ads. But the quality of these are really good and they fit perfectly. Often stuff from Facebook ads are either scams and you never get the product, or the sizes are way off and a large is more like an XS.

I just chalked it up to a loss and I didn’t involve my mom at all because I knew she’d be hounding me nonstop the entire time with the same questions “have you heard back about the shorts?” “Have you looked into talking with someone at the company?” And I just don’t have the energy for those types of questions so I just never told her. But at least they finally came.

But yeah my anxiety is just tough today. Again. My Valium often just goes right through me. The way the Xanax did. My primary doctor mentioned one time that my supposed chronic kidney disease could possibly be making my mental health meds not work as well. I don’t know if that’s true or not but my anxiety has been pretty bad for awhile.

This doesn’t just feel like normal anxiety. I remember starting to feel this way on June 4th when I was in the hotel right after my surgery. The night before at the restaurant I felt great. and before that things were fine. Then the night of June 4th I just felt this like shift in my emotions and anxiety and I haven’t been the same mentally since. It’s strange.