I'm Back- Anybody Remember me? (Name's Changed)

I forget what my name was on here before- Nathan maybe? I have been having a relapse of issues in the last few weeks. My dr's still diagnose me as bipolar but not specific/for sure. She says she doesn't think I have it, but the insurance wants a diagnosis. Whatever! I've heard voices- mostly calling my name- when there was NOBODY there! I've seen things- shapes- in the sky- clear as day! Meanwhile, I'm having mania - which is VERY tiring! My mind just can't shut off, I can't think straight, I have staggering when I walk sometimes, and all they do is give me Valium! Whoopee. So I've missed a lot of work- partly because of "take the week off and here's Valium" after my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't stop them, and I couldn't walk straight, or talk straight, and I couldn't concentrate enough to count!. And today I honestly thought I had figured out the answer to my life and possibly the whole world. Yes I did! I was totally in manic mode - so much so that I crashed emotionally and started bawling and my boyfriend called and ... ugh! So now I am plain exhausted. I've been in the hospital for intestinal infections- back morphine there, to oxycodone at home, to valium, and the usual depakote and celexa at home. I think these meds are making me worse. A while back, I had a time when I wasn't sure if the world made sense anymore which made me freak out- if all the laws of the world suddenly change on you, I think that's only natural! *sigh* My social worker still thinks I'm fine and my primary dr. just said I had anxiety and gave me valium, as I said. Today, I just suffered. Tried like heck to "self-sooth".... I needed a lot of support, as even music and reading didn't do it, this time.........

I know that's a lot for one post. I guess I can post details later, if anybody wants. I am just exhausted and fed up. I am emotionally "lible", as they say. Movies and music are way more "on" and sometimes that's really cool and sometimes that completely freaks me out!!

I need to go to bed..........

i'm sorry your going thru all this. how long have you been dianoised with bipolar? it doees sound like it to me.

They said bipolar back in Sept. 2006 when I was having "horror movie hallucinations" I've been okay mostly- but now really bad these last few days. My social worker called tonight after I'd called the office and talked with a nurse; she said to listen to soothing music and "lay low" until I can see my psych. dr. on Friday- but I couldn't tell her because it was so noisy that I have BEEN doing that and it isn't working much! I sat for 4 hours listening to a wonderful piece of music but although I enjoyed it, I was not relaxed at all. She said it sounds like I'm going through withdrawal from the Valium I had last week. I still am freaking out. and of short temper with the kids. Its horrible. Some woman yelled at me at their school I think- I dunno. I got away from her asap. I managed to take the kids to dinner and do their homework with them, but I really am SOOOOOOO antsy. My boyfriend wants me to meditate. Honestly, I just want to watch a dvd and have a drink! I know that sounds horrible but this is intollerable. Plus, I have to go to work tomorrow. Yeah- sure. I have listened to music, and watched tv- even bought the Family Guy Star Wars episode which is funny- but I only laughed out loud once. I want to claw at the walls or beat someone up or something. I guess I"m back to dvds and reading............ Thank you for posting back! It means a lot just to have that!

My boyfriend just said I think too much while listening ot music and that makes me depressed. That I aught to go work and that would fix that. Ugh. He doesn't get it. He's making a TON of noise on the other end of the phone that is jarring to me- dishes or something. Its all I can do to stay on the phone and not hang up!!

Would trying to wear yourself out physically help at all? Jumping jacks, LOL :-)

I hate when we're miserable and others don't get it or can't help. This summer when I was in nerve pain and took too much meds, I was antsy and tired/exhausted at the same time but the pain was too intense also so there was nothing I could do, nowhere I could go, no way on earth to get comfortable and I woke my husband to take me to the ER but he said, "No, not until morning". Then he was surprised and commented he had seen me sleeping in a very uncomfortable looking position (head on my forearms, butt in the air, all scrunched up, miserable).

Hope you figure out something that helps or that something wears off or kicks in, etc. Yeah, good luck with the work thing tomorrow!

Thanks. I think I am tired. We continued to talk and I finally was crying as I tried explaining things to him- again. Turns out he was irritated that I wasn't talking- when the issue was all that noise! I tried explaining THAT too. He said my problem is too much time on my hands and then tried telling me I need a new job AND that I need to go work- get my mind off things. Maybe that sorta makes sense, but I really think it is the meds. He also said he thinks I get into these "states" when he wants time to himself, but I told him that is not true- I am fine with that. Its the way he says it, at times. Its a tone-of-voice that gets to me- not necessarily WHAT is said. Things are okay now. We watched "Myth Busters" and txt msged back and forth during. I'm gonna have a midnight snack and go to sleep.

I worked at a little company and worked with the boss's youngest daughter and it was strange, after her mother/his wife died; whenever he'd go away the daughter (18+ at the time) would get sick or have an accident, like clockwork. All of us who worked with her (and loved her :-) would see it and it was almost funny and we'd worry before he went away, "What's gonna happen with Melissa this time?" Just out of curiosity you might want to check on your moods in relation to him? I love doing weird little experiments like that.

I'm glad you're feeling better and tired enough to go to bed. Good fun txting during the show too. My husband and I are 10 feet apart on our individual laptops and often email each other :-)