[*Beth*]

So my pdoc of three-plus years suddenly left her job at the clinic. They hooked me up with someone in New Mexico (telehealth). We had our first appointment and in my opinion, we didn't connect at all. In literally the first 10 minutes of meeting she told me I can't possibly have BD because of the meds I'm on. She insisted that I have generalized anxiety disorder. GAD may well be - but that's not the end of the story.

I filled out a complaint form about her...she's a D.O., I don't even know if she has a background in psychiatry. Anyway, the clinic director informed her of my complaint (which is kind of embarrassing; I thought my complaint would just give them a heads-up...I didn't know they'd actually contact her. But, I can live with it). The clinic director sent a letter to me and blah, blah.

So my point here is that I am depressed. Way too many losses since late winter and too many abrupt changes. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. Therapy is pretty much at a standstill; my therapist just keeps repeating the same "you have your tools. Make use of them." Obviously she's pretty much given all she has to give.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm just worn out. I took a walk...I'm always proud of myself when I take walks, but it doesn't lift my depression like magic. Really, I just want to curl up in bed.

[~Christina]

My Daughters Father has Covid and they have been together alot in the last week..She's being tested today. So our trip to Florida is not going to happen.

Steves's oldest Son ( Paytons Dad) didn't offer to let us stay there.. Steve thinks its just his wife that wont let us. Well I think its both.....but regardless shame on Ryan for not just saying we can stay it would be less than 4 days.

Anyway Steves absolutely crushed, again. We missed her 5th Birthday and now the 6th..

Everyday I am getting more hallucinations layered on and on.. I am exhausted. I see Richard tomorrow. I may break down and take something for a few days.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

So my pdoc of three-plus years suddenly left her job at the clinic. They hooked me up with someone in New Mexico (telehealth). We had our first appointment and in my opinion, we didn't connect at all. In literally the first 10 minutes of meeting she told me I can't possibly have BD because of the meds I'm on. She insisted that I have generalized anxiety disorder. GAD may well be - but that's not the end of the story.

I filled out a complaint form about her...she's a D.O., I don't even know if she has a background in psychiatry. Anyway, the clinic director informed her of my complaint (which is kind of embarrassing; I thought my complaint would just give them a heads-up...I didn't know they'd actually contact her. But, I can live with it). The clinic director sent a letter to me and blah, blah.

So my point here is that I am depressed. Way too many losses since late winter and too many abrupt changes. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. Therapy is pretty much at a standstill; my therapist just keeps repeating the same "you have your tools. Make use of them." Obviously she's pretty much given all she has to give.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm just worn out. I took a walk...I'm always proud of myself when I take walks, but it doesn't lift my depression like magic. Really, I just want to curl up in bed.

Im so sorry that your overwhelmed But Damn Woman I am so glad that you made a formal complaint !!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My Daughters Father has Covid and they have been together alot in the last week..She's being tested today. So our trip to Florida is not going to happen.

Steves's oldest Son ( Paytons Dad) didn't offer to let us stay there.. Steve thinks its just his wife that wont let us. Well I think its both.....but regardless shame on Ryan for not just saying we can stay it would be less than 4 days.

Anyway Steves absolutely crushed, again. We missed her 5th Birthday and now the 6th..

Everyday I am getting more hallucinations layered on and on.. I am exhausted. I see Richard tomorrow. I may break down and take something for a few days.

THANK YOU for the pat on the back about making the complaint! You're an angel, Christina

WOW, so no Florida trip...it's such a hairball for you. Ryan not inviting you to stay sucks, but awfully sad about Steve's birthday. Well, with covid everybody's hands are tied. Who isn't worn down by now from all this shite. (btw, is Steve's name Stephanie? I love the nickname, it's so cute.)

Maybe take something for a few days and break the cycle? I've found it usually works...kind-of resets the brain.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hey !

I want to back track to your previous check in when worried about your son..

I was diagnosed Bipolar I At 43 y/o and 3 days later my 19 year old daughter was diagnosed also Bipolar I (a few weeks ago they dropped her Bipolar and she now is diagnosed ADHD and all the same anxiety, panic.

Anyway.. I was grateful that she got help so much earlier than I. So didn't have decades of garbage to wade through. So your Son can start getting help now, especially at his age he will be able to starting building coping skills and leaning to be kind to his self. I know you beat yourself up daily and I get that I SO do but thats not helping you living your life and enjoying yourself. So be kinder to yourself

Thank you so much! I’ve gotten him help twice but each time they have said he’s not really presenting a problem. So I may just be too worried (ha! Anxiety, what a surprise). So I’ll just keep supporting him in my own way. He told me near the end of the school year last year that he really likes how I listen to his problems and help him through them. He was having issues with his “friends” and I was giving him advice that I wish I had gotten. That made me feel like I’m doing something right, at least.

You’re absolutely right though, it’s pointless to beat myself up now considering he is a very happy, cheerful kid, minus his anxiety. He doesn’t have any serious problems as of yet. Hopefully he never will but if so I’ll have to deal with them as they come up.

[Moose72]

Spent the afternoon with N3. His debit card wasn't working so he called the credit union and they said it would be back on around 1:30 tomorrow. That he used it "too many times" in a day?? I'm going to take him to the credit union tomorrow if it doesn't resolve as easily as that lady made it seem.

We also went to the grocery store and got something to eat at a coney island. I got toilet paper and kleenex and distilled water. Cost me a bit but I will have tp and kleenex for quite a while. I got some pepper jack cheese to have as a late night snack. Just a small piece should get rid of the Seroquel munchies. Couple nights ago, I had this huge bowl of cereal at 2 a.m.! UGH. That simply canNOT continue! FWB came over and that was relaxing. Now I'm in my pajamas having chamomile tea with honey and creamer. Tomorrow is bill day. It's always so anxiety provoking. I've been paying rent for myself for literal decades yet this is the first time I've lived alone- with the exception of 3 months at the old place. It's coming up on my anniversary of living here in my "new" place. And in a few weeks, N3 moves into his first apartment. His gf will live with him, but she is not on the lease just in case they break up.

Man, I go to this other forum and omg! Most of them have borderline not bp, they are ALWAYS in crisis! They are the most boring people. One lady there takes xanax like candy lol. Its funny bc when I was going through my withdrawal from lorazepam she had the gall to lecture me about coping skills lol. This woman has none, just pop a xanax. They have chased away many people from their CONSTANT drama. They are very clicky and snub the strong ones. I've realized that I really don't like most of them and I an soooo much stronger and a hell of a lot more interesting than they are so there's no point posting there anymore. Thank God its not that way here!

[Moose72]

Rose they sound like they have bad or no moderators

Originally Posted by Moose72

Rose they sound like they have bad or no moderators

No I don't think that's it.

[Brentus]

Originally Posted by rose1985

Man, I go to this other forum and omg! Most of them have borderline not bp, they are ALWAYS in crisis! They are the most boring people. One lady there takes xanax like candy lol. Its funny bc when I was going through my withdrawal from lorazepam she had the gall to lecture me about coping skills lol. This woman has none, just pop a xanax. They have chased away many people from their CONSTANT drama. They are very clicky and snub the strong ones. I've realized that I really don't like most of them and I an soooo much stronger and a hell of a lot more interesting than they are so there's no point posting there anymore. Thank God its not that way here!

Don't be so sure. A mask can be all the illusion you need not to see what's right under your nose.

Cryptic stuff aside-- in comparison, this place does seem a bit more tame, but you find all kinds everywhere you go. Sorry you had such a bad experience.

I still don't have mony to buy volttron and wish I never baught that alexa

sucks waiting for money to come through sometimes.. ah well, I'll get it and I'll buy voltron and everything will be okay (I hope)

been feeling nauseious too. have been since yesterday. hmm.. think someone ate too much pizza

I also wish the memories of hospital will go away

sometimes when things are quiet I feel like I am their.. it's horrible. I could smell the ward yesterday and it certainly wasn't on me so, ugg.

My first night on 1mg of Valium went fine. I'm 95% of the way there! Only one more cut and i am NOT AN ADDICT for the first time in 25 years. Enjoying Bo Burnham's new comedy special "INSIDE" on Netflix, about his experience in lockdown. There's stuff about mental health in it. He's a survivor and advocate. The last thing in this hour-long film is a referral to an online mental health crisis site which i found really moving.

Mental health is getting such a high-profile now! When i was diagnosed 30 years ago it was a dirty little secret. Now it's the third point on our Conservative party's five-point party-platform-pamphlet as we are in a federal election (Canada). The Conservatives have historically been very hard on the mentally ill so this is quite a change!

Carl Sagan said in his conclusion to his book "The Dragons of Eden" which was his speculations on the evolution of human intelligence that the fate of the human race lies in better co-operation between the left and right brains thru the "brain-bridge" between them, the corpus collosum. Now it seems that this is getting some attention and the human race may just be saved!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

My first night on 1mg of Valium went fine. I'm 95% of the way there! Only one more cut and i am NOT AN ADDICT for the first time in 25 years. Enjoying Bo Burnham's new comedy special "INSIDE" on Netflix, about his experience in lockdown. There's stuff about mental health in it. He's a survivor and advocate. The last thing in this hour-long film is a referral to an online mental health crisis site which i found really moving.

Mental health is getting such a high-profile now! When i was diagnosed 30 years ago it was a dirty little secret. Now it's the third point on our Conservative party's five-point party-platform-pamphlet as we are in a federal election (Canada). The Conservatives have historically been very hard on the mentally ill so this is quite a change!

Carl Sagan said in his conclusion to his book "The Dragons of Eden" which was his speculations on the evolution of human intelligence that the fate of the human race lies in better co-operation between the left and right brains thru the "brain-bridge" between them, the corpus collosum. Now it seems that this is getting some attention and the human race may just be saved!

I wish the Conservatives in my native country cared a little more about it. I'm glad yours do, Jane.

Congrats on reaching the next milestone in terms of weaning off benzos! You're doing great!

[Brentus]

I think the medicines are helping. I am feeling better in general -- even if I cant attribute it to specific symptoms of my disorder or disease (dis-ease? Whichever sounds less scary lol). I am finding myself at least mentally in a better place. Let's hope for the uptick to continue and minimal side effects. I'm quite worried about things like weight gain but I've been doing some extensive reading and while "weight neutral" may not be the correct term to use, they are much more weight friendly than some others. But, right now, if it works-- it works. Take it for what it is.

Nothing new to report really. Got therapy Friday, and my psych doc next Friday. I'll try to prepare a few things to hopefully make strides to getting better. This is the first time in a long while where I felt a bit of hope/inspiration to move forward in some aspect of my life. It's a good sign, right?

[Blue_Bird]

Had a good appointment w/ my therapist yesterday. We talked about my ED and my manic spending spree. I'm trying to rebuild the well over $1,000 of savings I blew through. And I'm working on

Possible trigger:

trying to not restrict/binge/purge

.

I'm having pizza for dinner tonight. I feel like I kind of deserve it after all the exercising and healthy eating I've been doing lately, and I haven't ordered pizza in like 2 years or longer so it will be a treat for sure.

My mood has been good. but I just feel guilty because I

Possible trigger:

gained a couple lbs in the past month or so

. But I'm trying to stop obsessing over it, and work on recovery again.

I was going to go to my sisters on Sunday but she's gonna be driving over to NYC for the 3 day weekend for that immersive van Gogh exhibit/experience thing. So it will have to be the weekend after this one.

I need to go to the dentist, so I'm gonna try to get an appointment tomorrow. I really need a cleaning/exam to determine how much damage I've done in the past year and what needs to be done.

Got my monthly Abilify injection yesterday. I'm going to see about coming off the other APs now I think.

Hope everyone is well!

[Mountaindewed]

I have therapy at a weird time today since I used to see her every other week and now it’s every week. So when we set up the appointments last week this was the time she had today. But I’m kind of nervous because I’ve taken my 3 Valium and I should be taking my lamictal and propalanol in a bit too just so I can stay on schedule with my meds. But I already feel like I’m out of commission for the day as a result of the Valium. I took 2 at 8:30 thinking they’d last and wear off a bit at the same time. Then a short story in my Stephen King book freaked me out enough to grab my 3rd one. They can tell when you come to a session on any substance. So I’m hoping to be able to snap out of this if I just force myself to focus. I’ve had 3 bottles of soda today hoping it would help with my tiredness. And it didn’t. I mean I slept good last night. And I won’t even tell her about the Valium but she will know just based on how spacey I seem. I don’t know. Im worried anyways because I’ll be wearing a mask but I’m hoping she just won’t say anything about it. But I’m anxious about my appointment.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Spent the afternoon with N3. His debit card wasn't working so he called the credit union and they said it would be back on around 1:30 tomorrow. That he used it "too many times" in a day?? I'm going to take him to the credit union tomorrow if it doesn't resolve as easily as that lady made it seem.

....

My card does that. It's very rare that I would use it several times in one day, but when I have it goes into "fraud protection" mode. It's really irritating.

[Mountaindewed]

Therapy wasn’t the best today. Masks are now required and I could hear her grumbling to another therapist about how much she hated them. But We talked about a lot of stuff. But then I mentioned my new KN95 masks and she said they look like beaks but that masks don’t do much anyways. And her comment annoyed me and I said “but it’s not just the masks. It’s the masks and the vaccines and the social distancing” and she said “yeah ok.” and just totally dismissed what I had said. Honestly I’m thinking of not going back to her and just being on my own until I see the new one who should be contacting me after Labor Day. I guess what I’m the most pissed about is she had me leave her office 15 minutes early. I didn’t have my phone or a watch so I didn’t check the time. But when I got to the car my mom said I had left early. So I mean I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong that causes me to continue to get hurt by unprofessional therapists. I voiced my concern before I moved about the mental health support down here and the therapist I was seeing said it would be really good. But that’s not happening. I’m putting my therapy charges on my credit cards because I basically can’t afford therapy. And I thought going to every week would be helpful. I just don’t understand this.

This just makes me want to hide forever in my room with my books.

Edit: I’m feeling better now. I had to take all my night meds at one time. So 180mil of Geodon and 2 10mil melatonin. I don’t feel sick the way I did the other night. I don’t even feel tired.

I heard today that green tea can mess with your meds. I usually drink exotic flavors of Lipton black tea I buy on Ebay from a dude in Russia. No joke. He sells them practically for market price and gives discounts and free shipping. It takes a couple months to get to my house but its worth it.

yesterday I chugged a 20oz bottle of diet lipton iced tea and I didn’t have any problems. But stress relief tea with kava in it drives me up the wall and I had to get rid of it.

[*Beth*]

I'm depressed, what can I say. And I don't see that dippy med person until the 14th. When I told her I believe I need an AD increase she told me to wait the 3 weeks. Yeah, let's wait until I'm S. Really bright. I wish I had some extra AD on hand, because I'd increase it and just tell her I went ahead and increased it. I can barely stand another day of this.

On the bright side we're getting a temporary break in the heat. Only 83 degrees today and it's lovely.

[wildflowerchild25]

First day of work went smoothly. Unfortunately I am not with the girl I was with last year and I am in the high school wing. But my new teacher told me she isn’t prone to aggression. She has a lot of trauma resulting in depression, anxiety, and hallucinations. She talks to herself a lot. But I’m sure we’ll be cool. I foresee a lot of breaks because another girl in the class is very aggressive and my girl gets nervous with yelling. So do I girl, we’ll just bounce lol.

The only problem is that three of the six of us (staff members) seem to be professional gossipers/***** talkers. I’m going to have to be careful with what I reveal about myself because I’m sure it will be spread around in a heartbeat. I don’t really mind if they talk bad about me behind my back but I don’t need anything that I share getting out.

[Moose72]

@wildflowerchild25 : Gossiping is no fun. You're right! One little peep out of you and it will be all over the school.

@BethRags I wish you had some extra ADs on hand, too. Feeling that way is horrible. Make sure to call your pdoc or their office or whatever the protocol is after hours if you need to.

@Mountaindewed I'm sorry that your therapist cheated you out of the last 15 minutes of your session. That's not cool at all. And to complain in front of a patient? Totally uncalled for.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

...

@BethRags I wish you had some extra ADs on hand, too. Feeling that way is horrible. Make sure to call your pdoc or their office or whatever the protocol is after hours if you need to.

...

Thanks, Moose. Good advice. I don't know why I didn't call today. I guess I don't even know who to call, since the new med prescriber is somewhere in New Mexico and I don't even have her number. This whole situation is screwed up. But you're right on...I have to start somewhere, call somebody at the clinic and get the ball rolling.

[Moose72]

I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. Now it's almost my bedtime and I'm not even tired. I'll try the chamomile tea again- that's at least mentally soothing. I have GOT to clean my dining "room". There is mail all over the table and toilet paper and Kleenex and distilled water just sitting there on the floor next to the table. I suppose they should go in the bedroom for the time being. And I haven't put away my clean clothes yet. They are at least folded in neat piles on the floor.

I'm in my pajamas watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. I'm on season 1, episode 23. In episode 22, they killed off one of the main characters that I didn't recognize when I first started watching the series. I watched it when it was on TV back in the late 90's, but not religiously.

N3 never tried his card after the time they said it should be turned back on by, so we'll have to wait till tomorrow to know if it is back working or not. We went out to get a donut at a little donut shop near my mom's and then went to the grocery store's customer service to get a money order to pay my rent.

N3 really has to learn to slow down when cars in front of him are stopped- at a light for instance- or suddenly have to stop or slow down because winter is coming and it is harder to stop in the snow and ice! This worries me.

I went and helped my mom's husband to put ointment on their dog. She's got a bad rash on her back legs and surrounding areas. She's wearing a squishy blue donut around her neck so she can't lick or bite at the area. That's a lot nicer than the cone of shame that the vet gave them. Apparently, it wasn't comfortable and it kept fogging up when she exhaled which is pretty much every 2 seconds of course!

N3 says he's going to start packing tomorrow. He can at least start throwing things out that he doesn't need/want. It took me a MONTH to sort out what I didn't want and what I wanted to donate to Salvation Army and what stuff was getting packed. N3 needs to ask my aunt if he can use the boxes that I used when I moved. That would really help. And a big roll of tape.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

First day of work went smoothly. Unfortunately I am not with the girl I was with last year and I am in the high school wing. But my new teacher told me she isn’t prone to aggression. She has a lot of trauma resulting in depression, anxiety, and hallucinations. She talks to herself a lot. But I’m sure we’ll be cool. I foresee a lot of breaks because another girl in the class is very aggressive and my girl gets nervous with yelling. So do I girl, we’ll just bounce lol.

The only problem is that three of the six of us (staff members) seem to be professional gossipers/***** talkers. I’m going to have to be careful with what I reveal about myself because I’m sure it will be spread around in a heartbeat. I don’t really mind if they talk bad about me behind my back but I don’t need anything that I share getting out.

It's too bad about the gossips. You're spot on, though...just don't give them anything to "discuss."

The girl you're with sounds like she has potential.