[Mountaindewed]

I seem to have snapped out of my weekend slump. I just got spooked by technology a bit on Thursday so I didn’t want to use my phone much for a few days. Also my nephews were over and then I had those cramps yesterday. But today I feel ok both physically and mentally and I haven’t started reading yet. I went to the gas stations I frequent to pick up some more 20oz bottles of soda. I was mainly looking for the new Halloween Mountain Dew but I couldn’t find it. But I got my regular sodas. I also found some other Halloween stuff like that line of monster Halloween kids cereal. Count Chocula and the other kinds. I got some Halloween Reese’s too. I don’t decorate or anything like that for Halloween but I do like all the food and snacks and stuff that come out at that time. And I like the smell of pumpkin spice so my room smells like that often year round.

My Oreo chewlery necklace came yesterday. I tried it today and it works pretty well but I don’t really want to wear it yet even though I can just put it under my shirt. My mom knows about the weighted stuff and the headphones but I feel weird having her know that I also have an oral fixation as well. But I don’t know why. I’ve been drinking out of my Gatorade water bottle a lot and if she thinks that’s strange she hasn’t said anything. I said I needed to get to Walmart to buy a water bottle because my therapist recommended it. And she just said “ok. Whatever”

But yeah so far I’m doing good. Although I didn’t take my Valium at 8:30 so I’m hoping my anxiety doesn’t blow up in my face later.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I have ECT tomorrow morning. I leave at 0400 to be at the hospital at 0600. As usual, I'm feeling a little nervous.

I hope it went really well today. Let us know

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am grieving the lose of a good friend of mine.
Doris struggled with congestive heart failure, CHF.
she was supposed to have a valve replacement and died struggling with
having dialysis 2 days and finally after they had tried every thing she got off oxygen and was seeming to improve, she needed to get stronger in order to have the replacement of her heart valve. She had been transfered to a rehab facility.
she made it 2 days then they had to trans port her to the hospital where she coded several times and they tried every thing but she died in the icu.
she had been battling for a month, in the hospital ICU for 3 weeks then 2 days at rehab. I am sad that she died. she was one of 2 really good friends here.
I am glad that we got to share a road trip with each other, her to see her mother and take care of her for 3 days. and then we went up to north carolina to see a blue grass festival. I will miss our tea parties.

Oh, bizi. I am so sorry for the pain you have over losing Doris. The death of a good friend is a very specific kind of grief, and it really burns

[Mountaindewed]

The spicy Mountain Dew does not ship to my area. I’m not too disappointed. Really I’m not. I’m looking forward more to the apple flavor coming September 12th or 13th. To Kroger.

My brother saw a new Pdoc today. He was getting angry with my brother who is very autistic and has OCD. My mom had to tell the doctor to lay off. Which he did. At the first appointment he completely changed his meds around and took him off stuff and put him on stuff and Lowered other stuff. That is why I will pay $200 and do telehealth just to keep my old Pdoc. Plus he deals me 15mil of Valium a day and I don’t think many pdocs would prescribe that.

@Soupe du jour, yes I figured that 3 of the lbs are related to my period and being constipated. However, I need to make better choices. I started this diet June 10th. I've only lost 12 lbs. I've been going over my calorie deficit by quite a bit lately. I need to just eat cottage cheese when I'm hungry instead of getting lower calorie items at McDonalds. I go there bc there's one right across the street. Thank you for saying that it looks like I'm doing good.

I wanted to ask you, do you think it matters what you eat? Like if you stay in your deficit but eat not the healthiest food's does that matter? Do you need to make healthier options?

Well I only got about three hours of sleep. I do not function well on so little sleep. I didn't drink much caffeine yesterday, so Idk what happened. I'm going to go get a coffee. I'm just dragging. So hopefully that will help....

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by rose1985

@Soupe du jour, yes I figured that 3 of the lbs are related to my period and being constipated. However, I need to make better choices. I started this diet June 10th. I've only lost 12 lbs. I've been going over my calorie deficit by quite a bit lately. I need to just eat cottage cheese when I'm hungry instead of getting lower calorie items at McDonalds. I go there bc there's one right across the street. Thank you for saying that it looks like I'm doing good.

I wanted to ask you, do you think it matters what you eat? Like if you stay in your deficit but eat not the healthiest food's does that matter? Do you need to make healthier options?

Hi @rose1985. To answer your questions, yes. It matters.

I found the Harvard Health article at
There’s no sugar-coating it: All calories are not created equal - Harvard Health that clearly supports this. A couple excerpts include:

"Looking only at calories ignores the metabolic effects of each calorie; the source of the calorie changes how you digest it and how you retrieve energy from it."

"High-glycemic foods...cause blood sugar levels and thus insulin to rise quickly, prompting the overproduction of insulin and fat storage. Ludwig would rather you focus on low-glycemic foods like whole-grain pasta, wheat bread, fruits, beans, and nuts. High-glycemic foods include candy, croissants, and scones. By choosing the low-glycemic foods and thus the minimally processed foods, people can lose more weight, feel fuller longer, and remain healthier."

[Moose72]

I have done the laundry today and other than that I have only binged Star Trek the next generation. I tried chatting with Caleb but he was grumpy because he was in pain all day.

[MuddyBoots]

September 21st I'll probably get my first invega shot. Idk if I can wait til then

Possible trigger:

been extremely suicidal and having related command hallucinations, but not extremely impulsive and I don't trust the voices so it kinda works out I guess

. If I go IP I can get it the 7th, I think. It's tempting, but I'll feel like such a failure for going back in so quickly and there's no guarantee they'll actually help. They knew I wasn't ready for "real-life" when I left though. I dunno. I'm sick of fighting these demons. They're winning.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Sapien

September 21st I'll probably get my first invega shot. Idk if I can wait til then

Possible trigger:

been extremely suicidal and having related command hallucinations, but not extremely impulsive and I don't trust the voices so it kinda works out I guess

. If I go IP I can get it the 7th, I think. It's tempting, but I'll feel like such a failure for going back in so quickly and there's no guarantee they'll actually help. They knew I wasn't ready for "real-life" when I left though. I dunno. I'm sick of fighting these demons. They're winning.

I think it is time to contact your case manager and or pdoc.

[wildflowerchild25]

@Sapien
I had to go IP this summer exactly one month after the first IP stay. I was humiliated but what could I do? If I had refused I likely would have been committed involuntarily based on the way I was behaving in the psych ER.

There’s no shame in more help. I still maintain I would have been fine eventually but I wasn’t sui or hearing voices. If you need another stay then you need another stay. Anything to stay safe is worth it, I feel.

I hope you find relief soon

[wildflowerchild25]

Still very upset. Same flashes of anger at RS for “judging” my parenting which is complete nonsense, he’s not and I know I’m just projecting because I’m convinced I am a **** parent. I set my son up for failure from genealogy alone. He’s exactly like me in terms of personality and anxiety, I am exactly like my mom, she’s exacty like my grandfather, and I imagine it continues to go back.

I’m just realizing that he is not an innocent little boy anymore. He’ll be 11 in a few months and I can see from the way he talks about school that the social landscape is changing. He’s going to be starting fifth grade in a week. I wish I could shield him from what I know is coming but I know I can’t, I’ve got to let him learn and grow on his own. I can’t help but think of everything I’ve done wrong and all the ways I’ve traumatized him in his short life. All I can hope for is he remembers how hard I tried when he is older.

I also completely freaked out a moment ago because we’ve got to get a marriage license and I need the death certificate from my first marriage and come to find out I don’t have any. I had a bunch of copies but had to send them out to his medical debt collectors. I had to give one to the DMV to get his car sold. Then I had to give one to the bank to get his name off my account. I guess that was my last copy and I didn’t realize. I’m going to order a new one but it said it could take 8-12 weeks and I’m getting married in six! I’ve decided though that we’ll go through with the ceremony and reception if only for show, and we will get legally married at another time at the courthouse if I can’t get the marriage license in time. I’ve put too much time, energy, and money into this wedding to just cancel.

We’re doing a day trip to the shore tomorrow for the last day of summer, my summer at least. Again I was angry with RS because he implied we’re not going on the beach and in the water because of me even though I said I was fine to just sit on the beach while they played. But I’m just angry right now with no idea as to why.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I think it is time to contact your case manager and or pdoc.

I just talked to my NP (don't have a pdoc or a case manager) last week and I have an appointment next week. We really have no access to our med providers between appointments (no phone numbers or emails given out, main lobby receptionist's will only send messages to regular nurses (like the ones who give out injections and do AIMS tests and such)). I do talk to my t later today so there's that.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

@Sapien
I had to go IP this summer exactly one month after the first IP stay. I was humiliated but what could I do? If I had refused I likely would have been committed involuntarily based on the way I was behaving in the psych ER.

There’s no shame in more help. I still maintain I would have been fine eventually but I wasn’t sui or hearing voices. If you need another stay then you need another stay. Anything to stay safe is worth it, I feel.

I hope you find relief soon

Thank you for that. I guess I don't have much of a choice at this point either.

[Mountaindewed]

I was pretty S last night. It had to do with hunger again. I took an extra 40mil Geodon at at 7. after my 160mil at 4:30. and my 20mil at 3:30. I woke up at 9 to get some chicken Parmesan and I was so light headed and my heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out. The spaghetti was sticky and I was having trouble getting it and I was about to pass out face first into the pot so I went into the family room and I sat down. My mom asked what was wrong and I just told her I was dizzy. She said probably because I needed to eat. Then I got up a minute later and I managed to get the spaghetti and then I went to bed to eat and then I fell asleep until 4:45.

I haven’t had that kind of reaction before from taking extra meds. Usually I don’t have any reactions.

Today I feel slightly annoyed at my weight. Actually pretty annoyed. But overall I guess I’m ok. I tend to be very crabby and angry in the mornings when I’m by myself when it’s still dark and everyone is sleeping. But once the blinds are open and the sun comes in I feel better.

But I need to take a Valium at 8:30 every morning even if I’m not anxious or my anxiety will just get out of control later in the day. I need to stay ahead of my anxiety, and I need to be on a very strict schedule with the valium.

new echo is good, though I wish i'd saved my money to buy voltron. can't aford it now and need to wait

had some good food the last few nights.. not been perfect, but not making me gag or anything so that has to be in plus

sleep's been the usual, basically none

I can't believe that tomorrow I've been back from the hospital for a weekk. it's litirally flown by..

[unlived]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was pretty S last night. It had to do with hunger again. I took an extra 40mil Geodon at at 7. after my 160 at 4:30. ago and my 20 at 3:30.. I woke up at 9 to get some chicken Parmesan and I was so light headed and my heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out. The spaghetti was sticky and I was having trouble getting it and I was about to pass out face first into it so I went into the family room and I sat down. My mom asked what was wrong and I just told her I was dizzy. Then I got up and I managed to get the spaghetti and then I went to bed to eat:

I haven’t had that reaction before from taking extra meds. Usually I don’t have any reactions.

Seriously I keep saying Messing with geodon is BAD news for your heart!

[Soupe du jour]

Some may find this odd, but my husband and I are seriously thinking of taking formal French language classes. Strange since we live in Czech Republic, and one might think I should rather study Czech. Hubby is fluent in Czech, since he's a native speaker. I truly think we will more likely settle long-term in France. I've debated how intensely I really should learn the Czech, when in the end I'll need the French. Both Hubby's and my French can be characterized as "Rusty Intermediate". Hubby took more years (9 years ending 44 years ago) than I did, but my study was more recent (total 5 years, with several review classes as recently as a year and a half ago, but the main study 32 years ago). We want to take DUO classes, where it's just the two of us with the teacher. Not in a group with other students. We would select a native French teacher, rather than a Czech teacher teaching French. We can handle the classes being taught only in French. My most recent study was only conducted in French. We'll see.

It sure would be nice to get out of the house for an endeavor like above. The nice thing about the school is that it generally offers many French cultural activities, though they have been on hold due to the pandemic.

so I just saw my mental health team for the 7-day follow-up after being discharged from the hospital

oh my god, talk about annoying and a day spoiler. they just can't accept I'm okay.... jesus.
ah well: I'm going to try not to think about it, tonight I'm having pizza and garlic bread. should take my mind off it for a while

and I got you all too. gal couldn't wish for more, right?

[Blue_Bird]

I have an appointment w/ my therapist later today. I have to discuss my insane impulsive spending sprees. Got my Abilify injection this morning.

I’m trying to lose weight so I’ve been exercising. I did 30 minutes of fast walking on the treadmill yesterday, today I took a 4,000 step walk to CVS and the walk back was mostly up a very long steep hill. Then I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes when I got home.

I plan on doing some more exercises later today with my hand weights and also some exercises w/ my resistance bands.

Even though it’s only been 2 days , my mood is a lot better since I’ve been being more physically active. And I’ve been having less anxiety. Hoping to keep up with this.

Hope everyone is doing well

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mountaindewed]

I seem to be ok from last night. Physically and mentally. I took my Valium at 8:30 though so I wouldn’t have issues. I had a couple zero sugar Mountain Dews today but my anxiety is still stable. I went out to a few stores. My mom wanted to buy a fridge so we went to Home Depot. She got a really nice LG one. I think they call it a French style. It’s stainless steel and it has 2 doors on the front. One door has a water machine and an ice machine. There is a huge amount of space inside with various shelf’s and drawers. Then it has 2 pull out freezers on the bottom.

I then went to Kohl’s to return an Amazon package and of course the Amazon return is in the back of the store. Working in retail I know this is a sales gimmick. And it worked because I walked past a white Adidas hoodie that I wanted. The cashier was a bit of a jerk when we tried using my 25% off coupon that I got for the Amazon return. There is basically nothing you can use those coupons on. But I got the hoodie anyways.

Then we went to a consignment shop so my mom and I could sell some stuff. They took it all so I hope I get something for it. I found an old metal sign that is supposed to look vintage. I don’t know. Maybe it is. But it’s that army picture of Uncle Sam pointing at you and it says “I want You for U.S Army nearest recruiting station” I thought it was cool and it was only $8.

I also went to a couple grocery stores looking for the Halloween Mountain Dew. Still no luck. Despite all the other Halloween food being out. I may check later at a store I went to today since it didn’t look like the Pepsi guys had come yet and they stock on Tuesdays and this store gets stuff that Walmart doesn’t get. That spicy stuff sold out in seconds and is now on eBay for tons of money thanks to those sophisticated bots that scalpers use now.

Edit: I stopped at the grocery store again. The Pepsi guys had come but they still didn’t stock the Mountain Dew. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I look online at stores but there not always up to date on things. There used to be a link you could use that was always accurate but I haven’t seen the link for this kind yet.

I’m kind of nauseated right now. I don’t know why. I just took my 20mil Geodon and my 3rd Valium and I put on shorts instead of jeans. So hopefully I feel better. It could be surgery related stuff but it’s most likely just anxiety about therapy tomorrow.

[MuddyBoots]

Just got off the computer with T. Back to the hospital whenever my mom comes home.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Just got off the computer with T. Back to the hospital whenever my mom comes home.

I hope it helps

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Just got off the computer with T. Back to the hospital whenever my mom comes home.

You're taking care of yourself. That's a good thing! I hope your IP stay is helpful. Thinking of you, Sapien...

[wildflowerchild25]

Ok ok ok. I may have touched on the problem. Work starts tomorrow, right? Well the last day at work last year I was so entrenched in paranoia that I was sitting with my chair all the way back against the wall, jumped when the door opened, and did not leave the classroom unless it was necessary. It was the worst episode I ever had and it was completely terrifying.

I think I’m going back to that. I’ve had two self injury dreams and one screaming dream. I’m also feeling very…far off. Just not connected to the world.

Since it is possible that this is the reason, I am better able to handle it. Good news is we moved to a whole new school building so I won’t even have to be prepared for seeing my old classroom. Fresh new start.

I wish I hadn’t cancelled my therapy appt. today. I only did because we were going to the shore and I didn’t know when we’d be back. But I’ll be ok.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ok ok ok. I may have touched on the problem. Work starts tomorrow, right? Well the last day at work last year I was so entrenched in paranoia that I was sitting with my chair all the way back against the wall, jumped when the door opened, and did not leave the classroom unless it was necessary. It was the worst episode I ever had and it was completely terrifying.

I think I’m going back to that. I’ve had two self injury dreams and one screaming dream. I’m also feeling very…far off. Just not connected to the world.

Since it is possible that this is the reason, I am better able to handle it. Good news is we moved to a whole new school building so I won’t even have to be prepared for seeing my old classroom. Fresh new start.

I wish I hadn’t cancelled my therapy appt. today. I only did because we were going to the shore and I didn’t know when we’d be back. But I’ll be ok.

Hey !

I want to back track to your previous check in when worried about your son..

I was diagnosed Bipolar I At 43 y/o and 3 days later my 19 year old daughter was diagnosed also Bipolar I (a few weeks ago they dropped her Bipolar and she now is diagnosed ADHD and all the same anxiety, panic.

Anyway.. I was grateful that she got help so much earlier than I. So didn't have decades of garbage to wade through. So your Son can start getting help now, especially at his age he will be able to starting building coping skills and leaning to be kind to his self. I know you beat yourself up daily and I get that I SO do but thats not helping you living your life and enjoying yourself. So be kinder to yourself