Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I think you are very hard on yourself and lose sight of how special you are. I’m sending hugs and healing vibes.

Thanks, Jennifer. You've had so very much on your plate and I'll chime in with everyone else in saying to take very good care of yourself.

[Victoria'smom]

Got a new phone. now my number works. So I don't understand what was wrong. Now I have to call all my Dr appointments that couldn't get ahold of me. My case worker wants me to call but I'm avoiding her. She wants me to go to the dentist but all they do is pull teeth. I won't do that until I can afford implants. I'm not in pain. Can't wait to move. I'm getting paranoid or anxious about the virus I don't know what to do the anxiety pills are doing nothing for me.

[Scooter9]

I couldn't sleep due to pain, so they giving me morphine. I guess that's to be expected.

I had no trouble with my meals today, and I even had a chocolate chip cookie my son brought for me, so I'm glad about that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Scooter, did you have to have an open surgery? This sounds rougher than my laproscopic one. I had a 1 inch incision above my navel and I think 4 1/4 inch incisions scattered around that I can't really find anymore without searching.

I'm glad they are keeping on top of your pain and i hope it is better soon.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I have slacked off on reading. I too want to go to sleep. Last night I remembered 3 of my dreams. In one, I was in a classroom and noticed it was 3:20 p.m. When I woke up it was still morning. In another, I was in a minivan with a family who was going on a trip and I was just an extra "thing" in their baggage. In another, I met two men on the side of the highway and I tried climbing the hills that stretched down the side of the road. We made it to a building that had an inclined hallway with walls that I couldn't see around. I guess these are Seroquel dreams. My sister made up that musical about Zoloft today. We facetimed and she just went on and on for 10-15 minutes and I just laughed and laughed! "Haldaaaahl! SeroQUEL!!"

That’s funny. The musical.

I just woke up from a dream that involved a classroom and hiking. We were hiking from the classroom through a rock crusted trail to play this role playing game with fake swords.

I’ve been having a ton of dreams about my elementary school. Im not sure why but I think it might be because I’ve been looking my bully’s up on Facebook and seeing how badly they aged.

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up about half an hour ago. Despite the 3 layer fast acting melatonin, the time release melatonin, the 2 gummy melatonin’s, an extra 20 mil Geodon and a Valium. I was hoping that concoction would knock me out until 5:30-6.

I went to bed really wanting a chili cheese dog and chili cheese fries from Sonic. When I woke up I felt ok. But now I’m hungry. My shot often makes me hungry on Sundays. Last week I managed to eat just my maintenance calories so my weight stayed exactly the same, so I’m hoping to do that this time. I can even have the hot dog and fries and still be under my calorie budget while eating throughout the rest of the day. So I’ll see. I just drank a Vanilla Coke Zero sugar so I feel ok right now.

I was just using my burrito blanket for a lot of the night until I went under my 8 pound one. I don’t remember if I was cold or if I wanted sensory relief.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Scooter, did you have to have an open surgery? This sounds rougher than my laproscopic one. I had a 1 inch incision above my navel and I think 4 1/4 inch incisions scattered around that I can't really find anymore without searching.


I'm glad they are keeping on top of your pain and i hope it is better soon.

Yes I think my surgery is similar to your's.

I only slept for a few hours because the morphine wore off.

Maybe it's because I sleep on my right side. I notice there's little pain if I sleep on my back or sitting up, but I can't be in those positions all night.

[MuddyBoots]

I've been up since 2:30am because I don't have the PRN extra valium that I had in the hospital. Wrote a couple poems, they feel very forced. God is a force. I'm having a hard time adjusting back to regular life. I want to go for a run but it's still pitch black out and that's one of the factors that led to the hospitalization. They're sure of my schizoaffective dx now. I am too because I'm not on drugs anymore. I need the sun to come up. I made a comfort box and I start PHP tomorrow. I'm scared of getting my injection after what the last one did. I thought I was drinking beers with the nurse in an apartment in Manchester. I remember seeing the city lights (we don't have that here). I remember getting lost in the woods too, and asking the nurse for help. I'm so angry now, I took 10mg zyprexa yesterday and binged. I ate stale cereal and a large sub and lots of things I forget, but I remember the cereal because it was stale but I ate it anyways because it's my favorite "snack cereal" and I remember the sub because I passed out while eating it and woke up and finished it. I feel traumatized by my last psychosis. Where is the sun? I should go to the park today. I should get a case manager and a functional support specialist too. They were recommended but my insurance at the time didn't cover it but I think it will now. I still get the unfamiliar feeling I vaguely remember and now ants just started crawling all over the screen, but they're not real but the bees are. They want to add a 4th antipsychotic temporarily.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes! It was my best birthday since i was 21! My one neighbor Pat who is a relatively new friend gave me an exquisite spray of draping pink flowers from her balcony garden and a bottle of rosé alcohol-free wine. She had it all done up special in a gift bag tied with a sheer black ribbon and a baggy with water and Kleenex to keep the flowers nourished.

I missed her knock on my door as i had my earbuds in. She emailed me that there was something at the door for me. I'm moved that she gave me such an exquisite gift. I've leaned on her for support a couple times and worried that she was finding me tiresome and then she goes and gives me such a special gift! I always think people i get close to hate me, then they show just the opposite!

Wunderbar!

Then another neighbor Carol who has also helped me out with my dog and shopping for a bed gave me a super funny card with a Happy Birthday poem written by a dog (we both have dogs). It was very earthy and she edited out the word "$h!t" as i guess she worried i'd be offended, but you could tell from the rhyme what the word was and i enjoy swearing on occasion, so it was sweet that she took such care, but it was not necessary. It was amusing tho, that she worried so over a trifle!

I saw my neighbors for the morning outing with the dogs and they serenaded me with "Happy Birthday." I feel very loved. I allowed myself a Kit-Kat bar but still kept the day well under my calorie-limit. I bought myself a second African dress and want a third one. They are one-size-fits-all, so no need to worry about sizing-out of them. Indeed, they have ties inside to pull the waist tight, if i am every lucky enough to see my waist again!

I have already worn my first African dress, indeed i wore it home from the store and again yesterday on my birthday as i was "Queen for a Day" and the dress befitted it. I'm pretty fearless fashion-wise. Comfort is sexy. An Eastern man in the African store said he didn't know how us women choose which dress, they are all so beautiful! So hopefully i will be able to attract an Eastern man with my new ensembles.

I dyed my hair again to celebrate the day and it came out peacock-blue when i was trying for turquoise but it's still nice. Green dye is really overpowering so i just used a squirt in the blue dye, but i should probably have mixed it 3:1. I'll know for next time. Already a man at the mall called out to me a compliment on my hair. It's zany!

So i had a grand day and thank everyone so much for the caring birthday wishes here also.

@Jennifer 1967:

So glad you are getting some attention from a social worker who will be able to direct you in the best course of action re your brother. Don't let his unhappiness get to you. You are not his mom and you've done a miraculous job getting him this far. The time has come for more intensive care for him and everyone will be happier once he is in a new situation, him included.

@~Christina:

So sorry to hear about the flooding. Will keep those suffering in my thoughts. Sweet of you to care so much!

***

There's more i want to say to others but i have lost my train-of-thought and will end here as this message is getting long. I've read the whole thread and care for everyone here, just if i missed you, please excuse me, i'll get to you next time.

Hugs,

Jane.

[Soupe du jour]

@Sapien, I hope that when you start the PHP that things will get easier. I imagine the revised dx is also something that needs to be processed. I totally know the Zyprexa hunger. Maybe you can get some tips on curbing it. Also, maybe once you're more stabilized the dose can be lowered. It worked absolutely wonders at curbing a psychotic mania I had many years ago. I did have significant side effects, so the hospital psychiatrist said I might keep it in mind for "emergency usage". I guess I will. It's so important to get stabilized.

@whatever2013, How wonderful that you had such a lovely day! Your hair sounds cool. Wish I could cook you a birthday meal. Whatever you'd want. Today I will joint a rabbit for the first time (it's already skinned). I watched a good video on that. I've eaten rabbit in the past, but never made a rabbit dish. Today will be the first time. Such meats are surprisingly inexpensive in Czech Republic, whereas in the US they are luxury meals.

I'm glad to have my husband home again. Also helpful was that my old psychiatrist in the US responded to an email I sent him. His response was supportive.

I need to contact my sister. Apparently a hurricane is hitting NY, NJ, and other areas on the coast. All in those areas, please stay safe! My siblings live on a high hill, but the downtown is vulnerable to flooding as it is along the Delaware River. My sister also lives by a creek. Power outages are common. Winds can get mighty destructive.

[MuddyBoots]

Bobcat that was in my bakyard the other day

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

A nurse came out and did an assessment and saw that I was totally overwhelmed. He is totally dependent on me. As a result, we have a social worker coming out to discuss options Monday as far as group homes and assisted living. I’ve cried buckets of tears. I feel like I’ve failed my brother in the most basic way. He has so many needs and I’m just not capable of caring for him as he needs. He’s hurt and angry and doesn’t understand which only makes it worse. It’s a sad day.

Jennifer, I echo everyone’s sentiments. My grandmother cared for my grandfather all throughout his worsening dementia. In the last year of his life, he could barely walk, was incontinent, and was just a nasty piece of work because he was upset that he couldn’t remember anything. He would also take it upon himself to do things such as make toast, but he would forget there was toast in the toaster and add more pieces of bread. He almost caused a fire.

She was on the edge (or over the edge really) of a complete breakdown. Since it was just last year and covid was raging my uncle guilted her incessantly, saying if she put him in a home he would die. My uncle isn’t a very nice person. But she literally could not handle it anymore, especially because home health aides were no longer coming out because of covid. She had to put him in the nursing home. There was just no choice.

He did end up passing away six months later but he was 88.

My grandmother did feel guilty but it had to be done. She wasn’t eating or sleeping and constantly on edge. You deserve to maintain your own mental health as well, and like others have said, you can’t help him if you can’t help yourself. If you break down mentally, how will you be able to pull yourself together 24/7 to care for him?

Maybe there is a caregivers group near you, I know we found one for my grandma, but she chose not to go. But there might even be an online support group for caregivers that you can drop into to get some support.

[wildflowerchild25]

We’re trapped in the house today unfortunately. Hurricane henri came through and dumped somewhere around 5 inches of rain and according to the news numerous streets are flooded out in our town. I know which sections are likely to be flooded from experience of other flash floods. It’s likely we won’t be able to make it through a half mile down the road in one direction. The other direction might be ok for a little while. But I think the center of town is going to be a mess. It’s a shame, I wanted to take my son to target to get him school supplies before the big rush, but I doubt we’ll be able to get to either one of them. Hopefully the water recedes a bit by tomorrow.

[Mountaindewed]

I couldn’t get the chili cheese dog and fries. But I got fish and chips instead. Now I’m super full and if I start reading I’ll lose track of the time again and it will be 2 by the time I realize I need to take my meds. But I don’t really have any other option except reading. And is that really all that bad?

These headphones sure help with sensory relief. I’ve been wearing them everyday since I’ve gotten them.

Is anyone else scared to leave their house on 9/11? I told my mom to not even go to Walmart or any store that day. I’m not going to go for coffee either. Who knows what will happen. It’s scary stuff. That’s one of the many reasons I didn’t want to go back to work. When I was thinking of it and applying and stuff things weren’t this bad.

[Moose72]

Took N3 to work. Came home and had a nap. Got up about an hour and a half ago. Got an iced coffee. Been feeling my teeth are a bit painful- the ones that were painful before. It's in my left eye too. It's very mild but it does make me feel like there is something wrong. Like maybe even just a cavity- but that tooth is the only one I have that has a filling! Oh wait- maybe I have a couple others with fillings but they are the tooth-colored ones. It's nowhere near how my whole face hurt after I got my teeth drilled down and my temporary crowns put on; the permanent ones didn't hurt after. I want a nap. lol I need to do laundry is what I need to do. I could still do it tomorrow if I wanted, I guess.

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Is anyone else scared to leave their house on 9/11? I told my mom to not even go to Walmart or any store that day. I’m not going to go for coffee either. Who knows what will happen. It’s scary stuff. That’s one of the many reasons I didn’t want to go back to work. When I was thinking of it and applying and stuff things weren’t this bad.

No. Maybe it would help to remember that the main MO of terrorism is the element of surprise. What surprise would it be to repeat the same date? None.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Is anyone else scared to leave their house on 9/11? I told my mom to not even go to Walmart or any store that day. I’m not going to go for coffee either. Who knows what will happen. It’s scary stuff. That’s one of the many reasons I didn’t want to go back to work. When I was thinking of it and applying and stuff things weren’t this bad.

Not at all scared, and I'm a New Jerseyan who had gone on the top of the World Trade Center only weeks before. Frankly, I don't see that as nearly as scary as the white supremacists gaining confidence in the US. Also, as horrible of a day as 9/11 was, it baffles me how the whole world (including the US) is comparatively blase about all of the deaths from covid-19. Deaths from 9/11? 2,996. Deaths from many wars put together? Less than the pandemic. Sadness over the babies being thrown over the fence in Afghanistan recently? Very sad! But only a handful. However, aren't there many babies and kids very sad from losing parent(s) and grandparents because of covid-19? Over 628,000 people in the US (alone) have died from covid-19. It's good to put this into perspective.

In addition to the shock of 9/11, people in my town had a scare very soon after when anthrax went through our post office. Remember the anthrax scare? We were getting mail in the mailbox that was yellowed and in plastic bags, from the treatments they applied to it. This anthrax scare wasn't from terrorists abroad. It was from a terrorist within.

[Blue_Bird]

It's raining and will probably rain all day tomorrow. It's probably because of that hurricane, I live in upstate NY, near Albany, so not close enough to the coast for there to be really any damage but close enough for a lot of rain I guess.

Feeling a little down, not sure why. I slept till 1pm which is not normal for me, almost every day I get up at 6am. I just couldn't get myself out of bed.

@Sapien That's a beautiful bobcat!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

No. Maybe it would help to remember that the main MO of terrorism is the element of surprise. What surprise would it be to repeat the same date? None.

I heard on the news it’s not the big World Trade Center type ones we have to be worried about. It’s the randos that go around now to malls, churches, and movie theatre's. Kinda like how there’s always something around the anniversary of Columbine which is always stopped in time. Just copycats.

Also didn’t something happen in 1993 on 9/11? Forgive me if I’m wrong I was 7 months old at the time and am too lazy and tired to Google it now.

[Mountaindewed]

I should be done with my PMS tomorrow. I had the incident on the 11th with my therapist. Then all the back and forth with the work thing. Then the complete meltdown Friday afternoon. I also had some minor cramping and lower stomach pain on Friday. Which a heating pad and Tylenol took care of. But honestly this has been the most mild my PMS has been all year. I wasn’t a complete S mess at all the way I had been. I haven’t had any chocolate Paydays or any other strange cravings either. I wonder if it’s because I just threw myself into reading all day yesterday and today and ignored the news. I also had my headphones on all day Saturday and today. While I was reading so I could concentrate. I mean, the PMS was for sure there but not like it usually is. At least in my opinion.

Right now I’m under all 20 pounds of my weighted blankets because I just needed the sensory relief. I’ve needed a lot of that lately. I can hardly wait until the fall when I can wear my weighted vest under baggy sweaters.

[Moose72]

Night meds taken. Zzzzz.....

[wildflowerchild25]

We did manage to get out to target and im glad we did as there were only a few backpacks left to choose from. I grabbed random supplies like markers etc. I’ll get the full list of stuff when I get his teacher assignment.

I helped my son clean his room and I smacked my head on the ceiling so hard! He is in a loft room with sloped ceilings. There is a cutout where his desk is and I bent down to grab something off the floor, stood up, and ran straight into the edge of the ceiling. I hit it so hard I felt my teeth rattle! I think I gave myself whiplash, my neck hurt too. I can’t even be trusted to stand!!!

I looked at symptoms of mild concussion but honestly all the symptoms are symptoms I deal with on the daily so it doesn’t really matter, especially since there seems to be no specific treatment for a concussion.

I actually got a lot done in the last hour lol. Paid my bill, registered my car, changed my address with my son’s school, messaged a ring designer, and booked our wedding night hotel. We’re going to the beach just for a night. It’ll be a nice relaxing night and we can get breakfast in the morning and walk the boardwalk/beach for a little bit, then head home.

This week I’m going to start getting up at 6:30am to prepare myself for work starting on sept 1. I gotta start getting used to being up early. I think I’m going to do a short morning workout to hopefully energize me for the day. Getting up that early will let me have time to eat breakfast and pack a lunch too. Get my son up in enough time to eat as well.

Feeling anxiety and fear about going to the senior's center tomorrow for lunch. It's less than 13 hours away now, at 11:30am tomorrow. I had planned on wearing my favorite African dress, but it exposes my scarred arms so i've decided against it. I'll wear long-sleeves even tho the weather is hot hot hot. I guess it is only wise that the first thing people there know about me is NOT that i have emotional problems. Later, if it's appropriate, but not right off.

Organizations are clique-y so i have to be prepared for that. If i end up sitting by myself that's okay. In Vancouver i tried to join in too quickly and people reacted badly. In a DBT Day Hospital i attended the women repeating the session said how hostile they felt to the newcomers. Let them have time to look me over and get used to my face. Someone friendly will make an overture eventually.

I'm feeling grief tonight about my diet which has unraveled. Also about that recent online relationship that imploded. As i advised someone here recently, i am just letting myself experience the grief, not push it away, not indulge it, just allow it to be and it will pass of it's own accord.

Unfortunately, i have been very public on Facebook about my diet and two of the women in my friend group are very pro-dieting, even having had weight-loss surgery. I regret being so public about it. Now they will think i am a hypocrite or weak-willed.

It's okay, i don't have deep admiration for either of them tho they are fine as casual friends. The woman i admire most in our group is very compassionate and adroit and mindful and not attractive and pays no attention to fashion and thinks Western women worry about their weight too much. Yet i admire her most of all.

I just feel by dieting i am focusing on the SYMPTOM not the CAUSE. The cause of my binge-eating is overpowering emotions. Seems more and more like i need a DBT therapist.

There's nothing to do about it for the moment. I've read about DBT and emotional intelligence and it didn't help, so it's clear that i need the help of others. My referral to a therapist has been in play for three months now, so it'll be three to six months more. The eating disorders support org programs don't start til October.

I'll just have to cope as best i can until then.

The new Fall clothes are out at Walmart and i bought two jeans, one blue, one black, exact same style, with fancy flys with three buttons and a zipper and "skinny" legs. They are stretchy. It was a delight to find jeans in my size, such a challenge as i am into the plus-sizes. So i'm happy about that.

I love clothes!

During my recent online friendship the man confided that he lost patience with his ex-wife's appetite for clothes as she had an outfit for every day of the year. Their basement was filled with her clothes. I didn't tell him, but to me that sounds like nirvana!

[Soupe du jour]

I only got about three hours of sleep last night even though I absolutely took my evening medications. When I can be totally awake at 4 am (not having slept at all) after taking 600 mg Seroquel XR at 6 pm, it's a "Houston we have a problem" situation. If it was a total one-off, that would be one thing, but it's not. I should have taken the Ativan. That would have helped. But I've taken it more than I like, lately. So I didn't last night.

I talked to Hubby at length this morning to really drive home that I'm struggling. Beyond further denial. I'm not hypomanic/manic. I'm depressed. A bit desperate. By denying it, I only hurt myself more. Luckily, I finally see my psychiatrist the day after tomorrow. Will he make a medication adjustment? If so, what? Normally it's Seroquel XR up or down, but that wouldn't seem the right move. We'll see. More Lamictal can lift my mood, but is also activating...often to extreme. Would that help with my sleep? Or exacerbate the current issues? Or maybe just take the blasted Ativan? When I take it, it's lately only been at night. Not during the daytime.

[Mountaindewed]

I took 20mil of melatonin and I got under my 20 pounds of weighted blankets last night and I fell asleep pretty fast. I’m not sure what time it was. My mom was still up. But I was drenched in sweat. My shirt was soaked. I know they say that weighted blankets should be 10% your weight. I wonder if using a too heavy one is dangerous. I used my 12 pound one for the rest of the night and I had no issue. I slept pretty good. I woke up at 4:45. Which is just about perfect for me. I have therapy in a bit. I’m not sure how she will be but I’m hoping for the best. I’m going to wear my new Hollister jeans and the new purple buttoned shirt I got from Platos Closet last week. Maybe my Nightmare Before Christmas Vans shoes too.

I feel pretty good right now. Hopefully it stays that way.