Down a dark hole. Cancelled my luncheon at the senior's center. I've waited for this moment, to be eligible to attend, for years and what do i do but flake. But i just can't drag myself there. It'll be better to go in September anyways when the place is finally fully re-opened and attend an activity rather than going for a casual luncheon, where cliques rule the cafeteria and i won't be sure where to sit or if anyone will speak to me.

[Scooter9]

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday. They gave me a few days worth of morphine.

I took 1 morphine before bed time and made it through the night. There was some pain but it wasn't as bad as the night before.

I'm not quite standing straight and I walk slowly but I think that'll improve this week.

Mood-wise, I'm feeling ok. A friend visited last night at home which lifted my spirit a little. I've been taking my meds.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes, it means a lot to me.

[Blue_Bird]

My apartment was one of the random 8 apartments chosen for the inspection and it went well!! so relieved. I had been so anxious over the past few weeks worrying about it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sunflower123]

Sitting beside a beautiful pool by myself on a sunny cloudless day. Very relaxing. I can see rabbits and hear trains, planes, crickets and birds. It’s lovely. The water has a chill to it which feels delightful on this hot day.

The social worker will set up an appointment for tomorrow. My sister, brother, mom and I will all be there. Mom kept trying to get me to agree last night to help her care for my brother. Realistically the care would fall to me. I hated saying no but I had to to protect my own health. Hopefully the social worker will have some good options that everyone can live with.

I wish everyone a peaceful day

[Nammu]

I’ve not been sleeping well this past week. It’s getting me down and I’m feeling draggy. Because I haven’t slept I’m not getting out of bed, the day is half gone by the time I drag myself out. Oh joy, my Smithsonian magazine came and it’s all about 9/11, just enough! Covid has been much much worse and they never go on about the victims. Struggling to breathe! It’s a much worse way to die. Where are the special editions talking about the victims of covid, instead it’s all about the loud screamers who yell about freedom,….fine take your freedom and move to an island but don’t put others at risk. I’d better stop ranting now. Wish I could sleep.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t get how my Valium is getting stronger when I’ve been on the same dose since I started it 2 months ago. I took one at my usual 8:30 time. At 10 my therapist told me I was acting like I was in my own little world. I did tell her I had taken a Valium and we talked about it. Therapy went overall ok. She didn’t tell me if she was vaccinated or not when I was asked. I told her the stuff in Afghanistan was getting to me on Friday. She didn’t say much about that. I got the sense she didn’t exactly care about it. We basically just talked about the work situation that went on last week and how I didn’t regret turning them down. She thought I handled the text to my manager great. But she told me the overall situation I could have handled better. I told her I handled my PMDD these last 3 days by throwing myself into my reading. We talked about my transference T and why she didn’t respond to me. My therapist told me she may never respond and that it could just be a boundary issue. We talked about my sensory issues. I mentioned the headphones I have. She was not mad at me about the emails though and said she didn’t see the one I sent last Monday. We are going to every week even though my budget doesn’t allow it. I need the extra support right now. Even if it’s not the best support I could be getting.

I like her but I feel like she isn’t understanding of the whole trans thing and doesn’t quite get me. She fakes it pretty well though. She stressed today that she does not specialize in the areas I need help in and that’s why she’s switching me. Not because we don’t have a connection.

I don’t know. I left there still feeling stoned but also I was feeling strange about the vaccination conversation. I stopped at Sonic for chili cheese fries. Like a stoner would. I am at home now and I feel ok about things. But man is therapy different where I live now.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Sitting beside a beautiful pool by myself on a sunny cloudless day. Very relaxing. I can see rabbits and hear trains, planes, crickets and birds. It’s lovely. The water has a chill to it which feels delightful on this hot day.

The social worker will set up an appointment for tomorrow. My sister, brother, mom and I will all be there. Mom kept trying to get me to agree last night to help her care for my brother. Realistically the care would fall to me. I hated saying no but I had to to protect my own health. Hopefully the social worker will have some good options that everyone can live with.

I wish everyone a peaceful day

I hope you don't mind me writing this, but you did great standing up for yourself! You surely made the right move.

Your first paragraph was lovely and soothing to read. Thanks for that. Despite feeling unwell all day my husband and I went for a walk down a trail we hadn't known about before. Appropriately, it was called (translation to English), "The trail of good health." It was, indeed, lovely and peaceful with very few people. It was mostly a trail next to multiple fish ponds and a burbling brook, with various wildflowers blooming and other appealing sites. It was a short walk, but that's all I was up for. We could hear the local passenger trains passing by, occasionally. I told my husband that it was multiple settings of my sound machine on at once. I wish my actual sound machine could do as well.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I’ve not been sleeping well this past week. It’s getting me down and I’m feeling draggy. Because I haven’t slept I’m not getting out of bed, the day is half gone by the time I drag myself out. Oh joy, my Smithsonian magazine came and it’s all about 9/11, just enough! Covid has been much much worse and they never go on about the victims. Struggling to breathe! It’s a much worse way to die. Where are the special editions talking about the victims of covid, instead it’s all about the loud screamers who yell about freedom,….fine take your freedom and move to an island but don’t put others at risk. I’d better stop ranting now. Wish I could sleep.

Yes, I'm with you, Nammu!

Though I do understand how 9/11 might come up on a "20 years since" date, it is frequent that there is deflection from even greater dangers and crises. Clear and present ones. Wouldn't it have seemed nicer if they rather highlighted the lovely 9/11 memorial they built in place of the old World Trade Center! And a time when the citizens of the US came together, rather than being angrily and sadly divided by foolishness and divisiveness?!?! We are in extreme need of the former! My husband and I visited the WTC Memorial about a year ago, or thereabouts. It, to me, honors the memories of those affected, respectfully. I highly recommend a visit there to anyone visiting NYC. There were many aspects of it that were significant to me, but one that stands out was The Survivor Tree right at Ground Zero. It was a tree that stood there before the terrorist attack, and unlike all others in the area, it remained, despite destruction all around it. It lives on and prospers. They make sure that it does, because its symbolism is priceless. New trees were also planted around. Also significant. Learn a bit more about that at

I hope tomorrow is easier for us both and that we sleep better. I struggled to get going today, as well, because of almost no sleep.

[wildflowerchild25]

@whatever2013

Please don’t beat yourself up about the luncheon. I most likely would have done the same. I’ve tried to psych myself up to go to nami and DBSA support groups in the past but at the last minute I always chicken out. I’m worried about the same things you are; that all the people in the group already know each other and won’t “let me in”.

I’m always too nervous to join new groups like book clubs or whatever because I feel like I’ll be exposed with my mental health problems. I mean it really might not matter to some but I’m too afraid of being judged.

Hopefully you’ll be able to join in some activities when you’re ready.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m still having difficulty out in public. The gym is fine because I don’t have to interact with anyone. But I went to Trader Joe’s earlier and almost lost it. Usually during the week it’s not that bad but for whatever reason it was super crowded today. Plus they didn’t have the things I usually go for. I know they change things seasonally but the things I go for are staples and don’t usually disappear. I’m sad, those coffee chunk brownie ice cream sandwiches are delicious and now they’re gone

I tried my hardest to get up at 6:30 this morning but I literally could not open my eyes. I struggled really hard but I still didn’t manage to get out of bed until 7:30. I was groggy as hell for at least a half hour afterward. I don’t know what I’m going to do, work starts in one week!

I’m going to see if I can stop taking the seroquel at night. Maybe try low dose melatonin. My pdoc from the program said that was ok.

[Brentus]

@Nammu I usually don’t say much on the subject but I’m kind of glad you brought it up. It’s really been concerning me these days. It’s not a political issue, it’s a health issue – and people have yet to understand that. It’s infuriating we are even in the mess we are because of people being reckless and stupid. The bare minimum is to social distance and wear a mask in public. Get a vaccine, or don’t – but stop putting everyone at risk. I often put it like this – someone has the right to drink as they wish, they don’t have the right to get drunk and get behind the wheel of a car and endanger everyone else. It’s selfish and stupid, and the ignorance I hear. I’m so tired of “I’m vaccinated, I shouldn’t have to wear a mask. I did what I was supposed to do.” – If only science worked the way people wish it would rather than us understand science and how it worked. These variants exist because people didn’t take this seriously. We are still suffering as a country because they continue to fight it and children are now both at risk and the most affected by this variant. I am quite angry about it. Get the vaccine or don’t – but don’t risk the health of everyone around you by not doing what you can to stop the spread. People like DeSantis really need to be held accountable. I wish people could see their selfishness and laziness to intentionally not do what is required to end a pandemic is absolutely soul crushing to the idea of humanity being something to have faith in. We can’t even count on ourselves to protect ourselves FROM ourselves….

EDIT: Sorry to continue the rant, but I think it's also worth mentioning the mental toll on healthcare workers. ICU beds are full, and at this point, with all the precautions we have, they are still full of covid patients, largely unvaccinated, who they have to sit and hold their hand so they are not alone as they DIE, children included. It was different when there wasn't a vaccine, it was different when the this was early on. We know better, we should BE better but here we are.

Nurses and other medical staff are up and striking and not going to work, they can't handle the stress of it (which, I understand, but don't condone...). But they also have to think about their own families, and lives. Many have children who CAN'T get vaccinated. Even in my state the schools have pushed back starting because of a mask mandate made for schools that the parents are up in arms about. It's just too much to watch our own damn pride and being "comfortable" kill us off.

Off that note, I’m not doing well – mentally I don’t know how to say where I am, and I’m in unfamiliar territory where I don’t even recognize myself these days. I feel so disconnected with the real world. I’m not going through psychosis and I’m not any harm to myself or others, but I’m very uncomfortable and I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

....

Off that note, I’m not doing well – mentally I don’t know how to say where I am, and I’m in unfamiliar territory where I don’t even recognize myself these days. I feel so disconnected with the real world. I’m not going through psychosis and I’m not any harm to myself or others, but I’m very uncomfortable and I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts.

Sending healing vibes*~**~**~**

[buddha1too]

I just got back from the doctor for my six month physical follow-up. I found myself in tears the whole time. I've been feeling depressed and anxious for quite some time now. On his discharge notes he wrote, "If mood persists or worsens, call Community Mental Health." My blood pressure was high, too, so there's something going on. I've been spending 12 hours a day in bed...& thoughts of sui pop into my mind from time to time. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow, but I don't think that will do any good. I'm sick of this...

[Nammu]

Oh I’m sorry Buddha. That sounds rough. 12 hour days in bed isn’t a good sign.

I did it. I finally finished the midnight library. I think the author chose to write in the voice of apathetic depression and that’s why it was so hard to get though it. But the ending was good. Now that I’m finished I recommend this book but be warned it’s hard to care for the protagonist. It’s about a woman who swallowed a lot of pills and her journey to find a life to live. It’s a good message if you can bear with it to the end.

[~Christina]

My Uncle passed away late Saturday night. My Aunt said he looked peaceful and didn't think he was in any pain. I am grateful that he was able to get home so the kids and grandkids could be there.

Today is my Fathers Birthday he would have been 91. I lost him to Leukemia in December of 1997 so this is always a hard day for me, Now my much loved Uncle I've lost.

The devastating flood that hit a small town here in Tennessee just west of Nashville. The video and pictures are so brutal to see. Thus far 22 dead , 2 of those were 7 month old twins.. 20+ people are still missing. I hope that more people are found alive. It is beyond heartbreaking.

I'm just so incredibly sad

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My Uncle passed away late Saturday night. My Aunt said he looked peaceful and didn't think he was in any pain. I am grateful that he was able to get home so the kids and grandkids could be there.

Today is my Fathers Birthday he would have been 91. I lost him to Leukemia in December of 1997 so this is always a hard day for me, Now my much loved Uncle I've lost.

The devastating flood that hit a small town here in Tennessee just west of Nashville. The video and pictures are so brutal to see. Thus far 22 dead , 2 of those were 7 month old twins.. 20+ people are still missing. I hope that more people are found alive. It is beyond heartbreaking.

I'm just so incredibly sad

My condolences on the passing of your beloved uncle. I’m sorry you are having a hard time. I’m sending good thoughts, hugs and supportive vibes

I'm getting some help with losing weight! The hospital snail-mailed me asking if i was still interested in their program since they haven't heard from me. I was waiting on them! Turns out they snail-mailed me in April, just a month after my doctor made the referral and that piece of mail went missing!

It's the second time an uber-important piece of snail-mail has gone missing. Some of you might remember how last year i was so soaked in anxiety re my income as i got a threatening letter from my insurance company as i hadn't responded to their snail-mail status report request, which i never got.

I'll have to get after the post office tomorrow. Yay: an opportunity to complain and vent! Can't pass that up! Sure wish everyone would just email me.

Anyways, the hospital emailed me a preliminary document already to get online with their system (the program is still online due to COVID which still rages here in Ontario). I filled that out and next they will send me a video with details of their program which i am looking forward to as i only have a bare-bones idea of what it is at the moment.

I know it's a two-year team approach treating in groups starting with six to twelve weeks of keto, Optifast shakes only. This is very intimidating to me as i use food to get high. I'll have to see how much support they can give me. There's a question of whether i can drink Coke Zero on the diet, my best friend and one true lover. I kinda doubt it.

There's a "behaviorist" on the treatment team, a type of professional i haven't encountered before. This is the person who will help me replace my food addiction with adaptive behaviors and my Coke Zero love affair with a water love affair.

I might have mentioned before that there is a second source of support, a peer-run support org for those with eating disorders with art and dance therapy and groups. So that's another support.

Finally, my referral for individual therapy continues to play out. That's just a waiting game so i am glad to be having some progress with the hospital program.

All this needless suffering these many months all because of a piece of snail-mail going missing! What jokers at the post office!

I look forward to getting some help with weight loss and the negative emotions that cause my binge eating. I will abandon my effort to diet on my own now as it's just making things worse and eat as naturally as i want, not indulge, not restrict, just be myself with food for the moment. I *will* be getting some help!

I feel hope!

[MuddyBoots]

First day of PHP went okay. It was stressful at first but we covered attachment styles and how panic attacks are related and she used a lot of metaphors which I liked, but I found it hard to focus for a lot of the rules and stuff so I'm afraid I'll do something wrong.. She did suggest I have BPD though. I do have a lot of symptoms but I think a lot of people on the bipolar spectrum do without actually having bpd. Also while I was IP literally every patient thought I had an eating disorder (while none of the counselors or doctors said they believed I did though they did force me to eat a chicken salad when I had Li poisoning).

Talked to the doc there, she said she'd sent over two of my prescriptions (that I am extremely low on) and I go to the pharmacy and they give me a days worth of one of them and said there's nothing else sent over. I'm trying to use the affirmations we learned in PHP but I keep forgetting important things like I was supposed to call my PCP and I was already on the phone with my injection nurse and I had an important question about my meds but I forgot to ask. It's too easy to beat myself up. As soon as I realized I forgot my question I SH'd. Today I learned I believe I'm not worthy of stability or health or loving relationships or lots of other things (I could've told you that before though), and I learned that's because I have a preoccupied attachment style because of how my parents raised me or something like that and I need to do these affirmations to get to a secure attachment.

Oh, we also had two tornado warnings today. Just a little rain though.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t feel good but I’m not sure why. Although I’m guessing my Valium has something to do with it. I didn’t realize how big of a problem it was until I went on my interview. Then it just kind of clicked. The not being able to get out of bed most days. The loss of appetite. The weight loss. It all started around the time I went on the valium. Well most of that stuff. I doubt a medical doctor could help me right now. I’d probably just be sent to the ED or substance abuse part of a psych ward. My stomach hurts but it’s probably just anxiety. My therapist suggested today I get silicone straws and one of those sports water bottles that has the little top that closes and open. My other stuff I use is starting to hurt my teeth. If I bite down on the straws they work about the same. If I open the water bottle just a little bit that also works the same way. Honestly my therapists have had some good suggestions on how to help my issues. She also suggested chewlery. I found one on Amazon that looks like an Oreo. Although it just says “biscuit” on the front instead of Oreo. She told me to not use both weighted blankets. Only the 12 pound one. I don’t know why I’m talking about her so much today when she refused to tell me if she was vaccinated. I don’t know why I even want to work with her still.

[wildflowerchild25]

@Sapien

I’ve accepted recently that my memory is just bad and will probably always be so. I have to write lists, like physical lists, if I have any important things to remember. So if you know there’s a question you need to ask, maybe write it down and keep it with you? I also use my phone for a lot of things. I enter every appointment into the calendar and if I need to do something important I set a reminder because there’s just no way I can keep stuff in my head anymore.

As for affirmations I have found them to be very helpful BUT I have to write my own. General hokey ones don’t work for me. So if I need to hear that I deserve respect or I deserve to be loved, whatever, I write that down, multiple times if necessary. For me it’s just figuring out what I need to hear in the moment and then telling myself exactly that.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My Uncle passed away late Saturday night. My Aunt said he looked peaceful and didn't think he was in any pain. I am grateful that he was able to get home so the kids and grandkids could be there.

Today is my Fathers Birthday he would have been 91. I lost him to Leukemia in December of 1997 so this is always a hard day for me, Now my much loved Uncle I've lost.

The devastating flood that hit a small town here in Tennessee just west of Nashville. The video and pictures are so brutal to see. Thus far 22 dead , 2 of those were 7 month old twins.. 20+ people are still missing. I hope that more people are found alive. It is beyond heartbreaking.

I'm just so incredibly sad

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved uncle. An aunt or an uncle have such distinctive, important roles in our lives.

I think of you often, Christina. You are such a special person; I hate to know that you're having to battle so hard

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

...

How terrible to hit your head like that! I know just how that hard of a hit feels. I hope you aren't too bruised

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I only got about three hours of sleep last night even though I absolutely took my evening medications. When I can be totally awake at 4 am (not having slept at all) after taking 600 mg Seroquel XR at 6 pm, it's a "Houston we have a problem" situation. If it was a total one-off, that would be one thing, but it's not. I should have taken the Ativan. That would have helped. But I've taken it more than I like, lately. So I didn't last night.

I talked to Hubby at length this morning to really drive home that I'm struggling. Beyond further denial. I'm not hypomanic/manic. I'm depressed. A bit desperate. By denying it, I only hurt myself more. Luckily, I finally see my psychiatrist the day after tomorrow. Will he make a medication adjustment? If so, what? Normally it's Seroquel XR up or down, but that wouldn't seem the right move. We'll see. More Lamictal can lift my mood, but is also activating...often to extreme. Would that help with my sleep? Or exacerbate the current issues? Or maybe just take the blasted Ativan? When I take it, it's lately only been at night. Not during the daytime.

Hi Soupe, keep in mind that benzos can contribute to depression, much in the same way alcohol does. Maybe you'd be better off with a modest Lamictal increase?

[*Beth*]

Buddha1too - I have scrolled through several pages and cannot find your post. But I know it's here somewhere. It's good to see you.


I'm very sorry to read that you're depressed. Where are your meds at? Is it possible you need a med review?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm scared to go home, do in person meetings, or anything that requires me to leave my house, I have trouble not believing I'll bring the virus to them. And even when I get back I'm not going to want to leave the house. I get my injection next week. I'm thinking about taking my AP pill form soon. My head's loud. I just don't get it. I don't feel it's a mood.