[Miss Laura]

So I have been doing really really well.... until recently. I have been medication compliant for 9 months nearly. I still am. Mood was stable. Then boom my Mum died 9th July this year. Mood has went hypo and I have lack of sleep as in 4 or under a night. Flash backs and nightmares re her death. But I also suffer from high blood pressure and within the last 2 weeks or 3 weeks I have been chatting to guys, wanting to meet up with them, horny, excitable etc.

I was given Zolpidem but that didn't make me sleep so I've just started Zopliclone 7.5mg for 14 days. I slept 10 hours straight

Normally I wake and start chatting to guys then get irritated when the guys don't respond or ignore me or cut it short. This guy isn't wanting to meet me and I'm so angry with myself and with him. Why am I obsessed and fixated about him/them?

My days are pretty free due to covid. I have no hobbies I feel pretty lonely tbh.

I think I'm going high and I'm paranoid my mental health team are keeping info from me. Just an incline I have

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@Miss Laura and all:

So sorry about your mom. It hasn't been that long. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

I'm in the same boat re frustrations with men. I considered lesbianism for a while then bi-sexuality and have now concluded i'm not interested in sex with anyone, of any gender. This is a strange illness, always morphing into something else. Be flexible. It's probably not a good time to start something with a man, but i'm sure on some level you know that.

Just wanted to chime in and let you know i hear you and share some of your same suffering and perhaps provide a little direction.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for your Loss and for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful whatever2013 about being patient with yourself and giving yourself time to Grieve. It does seem like this situation is really taking a toll on you. i'd suggest to focus on yourself at the moment, i believe guys can wait for now. You need every help and assistance you can get. Definitely consult with your Pdoc if you don't think meds are working out. Also check yourself at the hospital if necessary. Perhaps try to find some new hobbies to distract your mind a bit. Please just do what is possible to keep yourself Safe. i think your health should be the priority right now. Reach out to Family and Friends if needed. Of course i think many would be glad to Help here also or i Hope so at least. Please do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Please be kind to yourself and others. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Miss Laura, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RoxanneToto]

I can’t offer any advice but I wanted to offer my condolences, I’m very sorry you lost your mum. It’s still early days, even without everything else going on in your life.

[*Beth*]

I also encourage you to give yourself time to grieve. Part of that, I think, means noticing your behavior objectively. When we're dealing with highly emotional life issues we sometimes tend to make rash decisions. If your close friend was looking online to hook up with men, what would you tell her?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

LIke the others said, grief. I lost my close family member in December. I wound up taking a class through my church (called Griefshare, no idea if it is available there or if a class that has religious components interests you) but it really helped me process my loss. If you can find something similar where you can let the pain out and learn about what is normal grief and what might need more help then I encourage you to try. Hospices sometimes run programs. My pdoc is in a big city and they have a whole organization devoted to helping with grief recovery.

I hope you can find safer ways to experience your healing.

[Soupe du jour]

Dear MissLaura, I'm relieved that you continue to be medication compliant through all of this. Things would surely be much much harder if you weren't. I'm also glad that the Zoplicone has finally helped you get some sleep. That is so important!

BethRags and BeyondtheRainbow offered particularly good suggestions about the grieving process and needing extra support. Losing a loved one is just beyond horrible, and can definitely be destabilizing without the proper help. I know. Believe me! As for reliving the scary moment(s), that is unfortunately also common, but with time (as the grieving process progresses), beautiful memories do start to take over. It takes time.

No new or prospective boyfriend (or lover) will be able to take away your grief right now. So soon after your loss, please concentrate on yourself and don't dwell too much on these guys. I realize you are lonely. Definitely the pandemic exacerbates that for many of us. We're glad you checked back here. We care. I was happy to see your thread.

@Miss Laura:

Yes, @BeyondtheRainbow has an excellent suggestion re a grief support group. After my dad's death my mom attended "New Beginnings," a program run by her church for new widows and widowers. She said that it "saved" her. I surely was not of any help to her as her drinking got really intense at the time and i had little compassion for her.

I live in a big city and we also have a group called "Bereaved Families" for general grief matters. I hope such resources are available to you. It's really important to experience your grief in a healthy way or it will haunt you. I know what it's like to be haunted as i did not observe any of the rites-of-passage upon my brother's death and i still suffer from it forty years later.

It's important to not reject your grief and not indulge it, just to experience it without judgment and let it pass of it's own accord. It can and will pass. All things do. Just allow it to occur and be as gentle and kind to yourself during this time as you can.

[Miss Laura]

I'm starting to feel higher I'm now willing to meet up with this guy who is married but wants a thing.

I spoke to my team they don't think I'm manic just grieving. I feel a lot of things.

I'm zoning out a lot too

I need sex I want sex I'm chatting to a lot of guys and I'm self harming again.

I'm getting annoyed with some of the guys though so irritation is high. They are winding me up

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[Cubs2016]

Condolences for sure. I lost my baby brother (age 39) to cancer on new years day this year. I feel your pain, I really, really do. I am crumbling in my own way over here partly because of it and I am not one to judge. I worry that the thing with the guys will leave your soul hurting even more. Please be careful, hon.