Bipolar check-in #59

My sister dropped off some McDonalds for me on Saturday. I had a Big Mac, fries, and a Coke, it was really good.

I'm going grocery shopping today. Hoping to get some pumpkin donuts and pumpkin spice coffee creamer, and I'm getting the ingredients so I can bake homemade chocolate chip pumpkin bread later in the month for Halloween. I'm also going to the library to pay off my late fee so I can start getting books from there again. I typically never have late fees, hadn't had one in years, but I was struggling with agoraphobia for a few months awhile back and couldn't get myself to bring the books back, and when I finally did I had a late fee, which is $10. That's not too bad, I was expecting it to be $20-$30, but it's my fault it happened in the first place anyway. It will be nice to pay it off and have access to all their stuff again. I'm not struggling with agoraphobia as badly now so I should have no issue with returning items. And a lot of stuff is available as ebooks or audiobooks, so you just return those digitally from home.

I fell asleep around midnight, woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep.

I'm trying to be more active/exercise more and spend less time sitting.

I have a video appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. I'll let her know I'm doing well off the Perphenazine. I'll tell her about the cat I may be getting within the next few months. She always asks if I've got a cat yet, because I used to have 2 and she knows how much I love them, and how much they help me emotionally. My apartment complex lets you have a pet if your psychiatrist signs a paper stating they're for emotional support.

Hope everyone is doing okay

I'm getting shocks in my big toe/where it meets the foot now when I walk and especially on stairs and especially barefoot/only socks. It's extremely uncomfortable. Got one in my knee this morning too. January cannot come fast enough (I bet not a lot of people in New England say that). By then I'll have to get my hiking boots re-soled from wearing then everywhere, and I haven't even been doing any real hiking!

I have therapy again tomorrow. I had a good weekend in terms of eating stayed within reason in terms of amount of food eaten not too much not too little. Felt like too much, but probably what someone my age/activity level should be eating on the daily. The voices pop in every now and then, especially in the mornings I've been getting up at like 2am because I go to bed at about 8pm. I was doing my meds at 2am, took me 20 minutes to fill up those pill boxes because of the damn bubble packs for my antipsychotics.

In 10 days I get to see my pnurse's face for the first time via telehealth. We've always just done phone calls, but I guess insurance companies don't like phone calls (?). I still don't know what that pnurse I had back in January for 3 appointments looks like. It's weird. I think crisis lines should have video calls. That way they can see you without having to show up at your house with the police.

Hugs to all who want/need them

edit: nevermind all is well.

Edit 2: I got a hold of the nurse, my injection is Wednesday and they have samples hopefully enough to last until I can get on Medicaid (probably January). Which is good because I feel like there are other people in the house. I can hear them... just can't find them... my cat is screaming at them too.

I kept trying to wake up this morning and then falling right back asleep. I finally got up at 7:30. Last night I fell asleep around midnight. I still get completely wiped out just making the 10 steps to the bathroom. It’s getting frustrating. I wish I could go for a ride or something but I don’t want to push myself. My pain was kinda bad when I woke up and it was 6.5 hours after my last pain med. so I took a narco. I feel better pain wise as long as I don’t move around too much but my anxiety is a bit tough today. I don’t want to take weeks to recover and be a burden on my family.

But this is one of the reasons people get into post op depression. They feel like their recovery is taking too long and they feel needy on their family.

My doctors office just called to see how I am doing. I told them about the constipation. She’s gonna talk to the doctor and get back to me. Hopefully I can get some relief today from this.

I haven’t even been watching TV really today. For the past hour I’ve been lying on my back in bed. I think I may have fallen asleep for a few minutes. My mom and brother are out shopping and I’ve just been in bed the whole time. My stomach keeps making funny noises and I’m in a bit of pain, but I don’t feel too bad overall right now. My mom says I should be able to go for a ride by the end of this week and that therapy next Monday should be ok.

I didn't sleep well last night. I must've tossed and turned because it felt that way, like I was just rehearsing going to sleep rather than a feeling of "I'm falling asleep now..." So I wake up and it's still dark so I thought it would be like 2 or 3 but nope! It was 6:30! I was still wiped out, though, so I slept for another 3 hours, and now I feel just fine. Anybody else lose track of time like this while sleeping? I know that's a silly question because nobody watches the clock when they're actually asleep, but still- I felt like I slept a lot and didn't know it on top of feeling like I wasn't sleeping.

@wildflowerchild25 Good for you in tackling your conversation. I can really relate to the reticence in actually having difficult conversations (and how!)

Good luck with everything!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Nothing really to report. Vivid and insane dreams/nightmares – but feeling great beyond that. Eating taco salad for lunch and probably gonna have enough for dinner too. My mom also decided to make some fried potatoes and salmon patties. I’ve got some options for later! I have been playing some video games and relaxing these past few days. At night I have a friend once he gets off work we binge watch 3-4 episodes of a show and talk about them. I really do enjoy that before bed. It’s nice to enjoy a show and talk about it with someone. I prefer comedies and that’s what we have stuck with. We binged Superstore and now we are doing an older one called New Girl. I’ve seen a lot of episodes and really enjoyed the show, but starting from season one and following through is a journey in itself and fun!

Segueing poorly into a more serious topic: I’m nervous about starting therapy with someone new. It’s still basically a month away, but I don’t like entering into the unknown. Above all, I don’t know what preconceived notions therapy notes will leave her. I don’t necessarily agree with all diagnoses (and truth be told, I don’t even know what all of them are at the moment). Let’s not get into that, but I don’t want therapy to tailor towards something that I am not sure is an area worth putting extra emphasis on. I struggle between being an advocate in my treatment, to being a passive bystander. I don’t know where the line of appropriateness ends or begins. Sometimes I think I need to just let the professional decide, and other times I feel I should play a larger role. I think I’m gonna resolve to just letting the professional make the decisions. I’m in a emotional good place these last few months and well, there isn’t a pressure to make insane amounts of progress all at once. I think it’s best to let the professional decide what’s best.

Transitioning into a lighter topic: I think I will spend my day listening to music and maybe journaling. I don’t really like to write, but I find it helpful sometimes – especially to help me formulate ideas to express to others. I struggle with that sometimes.

Happy Monday to everyone!

My doctor never called back. I took a couple colace. I drank a venti hot coffee from Starbucks. Everyone suggests I drink coffee. I just now took some mirolax. I ate a pint of Halo Top strawberry ice cream. It was 270 calories for the whole pint but that much ice cream in general probably isn’t a very good idea. But anyways my stomach hurts right now but it feels more like I just ate too much ice cream instead of surgical pain. My mom went to the store and got some more food. She got me some more canned potato’s and bottles of Body Armor water. She also found one of the new soda shop Pepsi’s. She found the cream soda one and got me 2 bottles. I’ve been in bed all day again watching TV. I still can’t really get out of bed. Mental health wise I don’t feel too bad. But if I could just use the bathroom I think I’d be feeling a lot better in general. I do seem to be more tired today. I am not watching TV sitting up on my pillow with the arms I have been lying straight on my back watching TV most of the day. I think I dozed off for about 10 minutes before noon but I didn’t take an actual nap today.

My sleep lotion from Lush came today. I hope it works. I know that stuff has helped in the past before.

I just stood up for 10 minutes and I walked around the house for a bit. Man did that make a difference in my pain!

But now an hour later I am tired again. But these walks around the house are helpful. Although the mirolax didn’t work and my mom said if you don’t go you could get impacted and they’d have to operate. But I’ve been trying everything I can think of since Friday and nothing has been helping.

But I only took 2 pain pills today and I’m not like I was yesterday where I was unable to concentrate because I was so focused on when I could get the next one. I don’t really feel the need to take another one today actually.

Whoo hoo my latuda was ready! I used to have auto refills and a 90 day supply and never had to worry. but for some reason they can’t do that anymore so now it gets down to the wire. I had three pills left then this morning I get a message that my prescription is delayed because they are out of stock, then a couple hours later it says it’s ready!

They also had the right iron pills in today. For the last week and a half they were out. It’s the one my doctor ordered for me. Supposed to be better absorbed and better tolerated but of course it’s the most expensive otc iron they have!

Been sittin' around at home today. I'm cooking chicken wings in my air fryer. There were just 4 left but they will be good. My friend who is studying to be an occupational therapist called me back today. I didn't know she was at work on Mondays but now I know her schedule so I won't try to contact her when she's working. I'm listening to a singer Rene Jacobs- as I've mentioned him before- and found some videos of him on youtube but an interview was in Dutch! No subtitles. Who speaks Dutch? Apparently, Rene Jacobs does! And French and English! (And the interviewer speaks Dutch, too!)

RS’s license came! I won’t relax until we have the marriage license in our hand, of course. Just like I did with the house. If/when we do…it’s just 9 days left! I’m almost done panicking, though I’m sure I won’t be truly done until everything is done and over with.

I think I am adjusting to the Seroquel and Geodon. I have no side effects other than feeling hotter than normal. I am not thrilled about being on a AP and a Atypical But at this point I need to just deal with it and remember that I do need it.

Steve hadn't said anything about what happened and I didn't ask. He did share a bit today. I have no memory of what happened after I took the pills. Apparently I spent almost 2 days in our local hospital which I had no clue about. I have no memory of the actual Detox procedure. It's probably best I don't remember everything.

I am still beyond exhausted which Richard assured me is normal after totally breaking down and what I did.

I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt and Steve has told me over and over to not beat myself up.... it's still hard and I know eventually I can work all that out with Richard.

I'm grateful to be alive and I am focusing on that and working to be kind to myself.

Hope everyone has had a nice start to the week

Oh Christina! If that’s what it takes that what it takes. I am soooooo glad your better. It’s probably best you don’t remember.

My check-in call person for tonight asked me if I want to go in a partial program. That's four times that I've been asked: pdoc at hospital, regular pdoc and now two separate "Checkers".

Well, my ambien gave me one solid night of sleep and each night since has been less and less solid sleep. Tonight I start weaning off it which isn't a big deal since I doubt there will be much difference. I knew it was a longshot but I'm sad. I was hoping to come out of this less tired and I'm still very tired. Maybe next month my pdoc will let me try something else. I'm so sleepy tonight that I might just sleep without effort. (I nearly certainly won't but I can dream).

oh well. We tried.

I spent the day concerned forgetting about my anxiety med. I'm trying to form the words for my concern but it's all jumbled. I can't think. It probably doesn't help I was to worried to take my medication last night. Hopefully there will be a resolution soon.

Yay!!!! I’m taking 8 whole days off. I’m heading south to Atlanta for a few days to watch the planes come and go. It’s very soothing and to me…fascinating. After that I’m heading north to the Smokies to do some hiking with my daughter. As I told mom, I’m badly burned out and it’s turning me into someone I don’t want to be. This is my way back. As a fortuitous coincidence, my sister is taking off work that week so she’ll step in. I’m so excited! I almost feel better already.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.

Just talked with the friend I'm meeting this week. He prayed for me tonight because he told me a really creepy true story that he was involved in years ago.

Plus I am having heartburn and I realized that my famotidine-for acid reflux- isn't in my pill packs! It purposefully had been left out! So I gotta call the pharmacy tomorrow. And then maybe my primary doctor. I hope I can get to sleep like this. Nothing is open to get some tums or something stop-gap for tonight.

Sounds like serendipity Jennifer! Great news! Enjoy yourself.

Enjoy your trip! I hope you come home fully relaxed and well-rested.

I fell asleep last night shortly before 6. I fell asleep without a pain med. I woke up at 2 something in a sleeping position I probably shouldn’t have been in. I fell back asleep and I thought It was much later but it was less then an hour later. I can’t use the bathroom and I can feel this like blockage or something in the middle of my stomach and it feels like my stomach is just getting bigger and bigger. I woke my mom up for a pain med and I’m using the heating pad and it’s nothing is working. So maybe I need to call my doctor in a few hours.