Bipolar check-in #60

RS’s grandfather passed away last night. He had just found out he had stage IV stomach cancer and decided to do one chemo treatment to see how sick it makes him and discontinue if he felt it was too much. Unfortunately it made him so weak he had a heart attack and passed. RS is taking it well; he reasoned that his grandfather was 88 and honestly that’s a pretty long life. I kinda did the same with my grandfather last year. I mean yeah, losing someone is always a sad affair, but my grandpa was also 88 and he had had a stroke so he was suffering. I did tell RS that I definitely will attend whatever services end up being scheduled. Work can take a back seat.

I have off today so I woke up at about 8. I didn’t want to get up but my body was aching and I knew I feel worse physically if I didn’t get up. I wanted to get a bagel for breakfast but it’s one 31 degrees out and I’m sorry but I’m not prepared for that nonsense right now! I’ve got the ball of anxiety in my chest right now and the heaviness of depression hanging over me.

I have things I should do today. Laundry, pantry organizing, etc. I don’t know if I will get them done. I have to try.

At least I speak with my therapist at 12. Maybe she can help me come up with some solutions.

I’m so sorry wildflower..

I woke up before midnight last night. My throat hurt badly. I took a cough drop and got instant relief but my nose was running a lot. I got back to sleep right before 2 and woke up at 4:30. I’m still feeling sick and unable to make it to the store like I thought I could last night. My mom is feeling much better and she’s going out to get some stuff for us. We all figured out that my brother and I are a day behind her. I did go to Starbucks and I got my first Irish cream cold brew of the holiday season. The holiday drinks just came out today. My anxiety was actually super high until I drank it. Now my anxiety is decent. I lost another pound since yesterday which I’m a bit surprised about. I don’t know why I’m surprised though. I’ve been doing the same thing for 1.5 weeks and it’s been working. Although I think yesterday I undercounted a good amount calorie wise. Which was a bit disordered thinking perhaps. I didn’t feel like eating all the whipped cream and chocolate crumbs on the top of my latte that I had already budgeted into my daily calories because I felt like they put too much in. But then I didn’t subtract the calories. But I’m wearing the same pants from yesterday and they actually fit pretty good today. I have so much laundry to do and just no motivation or energy to do it. But mental health wise I’m still ok. I had 4 days left on my free Amazon prime trial and I had a $5 prime coupon so I ordered some personal hygiene products this morning. I’m glad I cancelled that in time though. I almost forgot to. I’m not sure why people are hating so much on Kim Kardashian. Pete Davidson doesn’t exactly sound very stable himself. Either way it seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Although someone said online that anyone would look bad next to him and I don’t think he looks bad physically. I didn’t even realize he had a medical condition until my mom pointed it out to me. To be honest most people just look normal to me. To me there’s basically just fat and skinny and sometimes that’s not even obvious to me. Nothing else I really notice about anyone. I don’t even notice anyone’s height. Like I can’t tell if someone is tall or not. It’s weird and a therapist told me one time it’s a trait of my autism.

Hey moose my wipers cost $44. The whole thing, oil, oil filter, tire check and all fluids check and fill, plus wipers was $124. But I live in a tiny town so it should be cheaper. Better than I thought but still!

Then on the 18th I have my eye check up and new glasses to pay for. Bills bills bills! Thankfully all my Christmas shopping is finished! I’m going to try Warby Parker.

That’s what I did and where I went! Pretty sweet deal.

My condolences to you and to RS.

I’ve been on the phone for 4 hours over 2 days trying to get a refund from Expedia. They approved, then denied, then approved the refund. They will only refund it to the original form of payment - a credit card that has been canceled due to fraudulent activity (that’s a barrel of laughs itself). I just want to scream “think outside the box people!” I have to get a NOC from my credit card company to Expedia for them to adjust form of payment. Frustrating to the max. It’s not like I’m sitting on a pile of free time.

I’m going to the orthopedist today to address my left arm. I think there might be small bones broken or a stress fracture due to the pain level. It’s been going on since September. It will get slightly better and then I hurt it again helping mother and brother. I sincerely hope he can help me. I need my arm functional!

There’s a specialty doughnut shop that my nephew swears by that I’ve been meaning to try out. I think I’ll go after the doctor and I’ll also get some sunflowers from Trader Joe’s. Reminds me of the time my daughter and I went to the sunflower fields (huge fields) and cut two large buckets full of sunflowers. Great memories.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Oo Sunflowers are so cool. My daughter went with her kids to a sunflower field maze. The pictures were great.

I hope you get your arm taken care of Jennifer!

I called my pdoc’s office and made an earlier appt. it’s still two weeks away but that’s better than four. Yesterday and today I’ve been unable to concentrate on anything, even conversations. My mind is just zoning out on its own and I’m not hearing what the other person is saying. I can’t keep track of shows and movies and I can’t even scroll my article sites. This is a bad sign so it’s better to have a sooner appt just in case.

I didn’t get to talk to my therapist, she’s still doing virtual and the program wasn’t working today. She says we’ll try to reschedule for tomorrow, but if not at least I have my standing Tuesday appt and hopefully it will work by then.

Right now I’m laying in bed under my weighted blanket. I did wash the towels and the bedding and my comforter is in the wash now. I am going to do dishes as well. Maybe I’ll call it a day after that because at least that’s something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 RS’s grandfather passed away last night. He had just found out he had stage IV stomach cancer and decided to do one chemo treatment to see how sick it makes him and discontinue if he felt it was too much. Unfortunately it made him so weak he had a heart attack and passed. RS is taking it well; he reasoned that his grandfather was 88 and honestly that’s a pretty long life. I kinda did the same with my grandfather last year. I mean yeah, losing someone is always a sad affair, but my grandpa was also 88 and he had had a stroke so he was suffering. I did tell RS that I definitely will attend whatever services end up being scheduled. Work can take a back seat. I have off today so I woke up at about 8. I didn’t want to get up but my body was aching and I knew I feel worse physically if I didn’t get up. I wanted to get a bagel for breakfast but it’s one 31 degrees out and I’m sorry but I’m not prepared for that nonsense right now! I’ve got the ball of anxiety in my chest right now and the heaviness of depression hanging over me. I have things I should do today. Laundry, pantry organizing, etc. I don’t know if I will get them done. I have to try. At least I speak with my therapist at 12. Maybe she can help me come up with some solutions.

I'm sorry for the loss of RS’s grandfather.


I'm also sorry about the ball of anxiety and the heaviness of depression hanging over you. I feel exactly the same way, so at least we're not along

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oo Sunflowers are so cool. My daughter went with her kids to a sunflower field maze. The pictures were great. I hope you get your arm taken care of Jennifer!

The region I live in is huge for sunflower growing. In the late summer the fields and waves of sunflowers are just plain magnificent. And they always turn toward the sun!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I take my car in for an oil change and top ups and tire checks and a general going over to get ready for winter. Got to take a book with me as they don’t have magazines and the tv is always on sports. I miss the garage in Texas, the played the HGTV channel and had a clean bright waiting area.

LOL, I know what you mean. I need to take my car in for an oil change and stupidly keep putting it off because the thought of being in the dirty, smells-like-gas and oil waiting area.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’ve been on the phone for 4 hours over 2 days trying to get a refund from Expedia. They approved, then denied, then approved the refund. They will only refund it to the original form of payment - a credit card that has been canceled due to fraudulent activity (that’s a barrel of laughs itself). I just want to scream “think outside the box people!” I have to get a NOC from my credit card company to Expedia for them to adjust form of payment. Frustrating to the max. It’s not like I’m sitting on a pile of free time. I’m going to the orthopedist today to address my left arm. I think there might be small bones broken or a stress fracture due to the pain level. It’s been going on since September. It will get slightly better and then I hurt it again helping mother and brother. I sincerely hope he can help me. I need my arm functional! There’s a specialty doughnut shop that my nephew swears by that I’ve been meaning to try out. I think I’ll go after the doctor and I’ll also get some sunflowers from Trader Joe’s. Reminds me of the time my daughter and I went to the sunflower fields (huge fields) and cut two large buckets full of sunflowers. Great memories. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Ugh, I'm sorry you had such aggravation with Expedia. I hope the yummy doughnut makes up for it!

It's a gorgeous day, 70 degrees, and I so wish I could enjoy it. I'm trying hard, but I can't seem to get relief from that swirly ball of anxiety and depression, The small dose of Zyprexa doesn't do much. I may need a higher dose. I wish I could go IP, but there's no one to care for my cats. My little diabetic needs a lot of special care and my husband is a wreck when it comes to things such as injections. No point.

Well, I'm off to a therapy appointment and then I'm getting the booster vax.

I couldn’t tell what was physical and what was anxiety and what was food related. I did what I could for my anxiety. Then I ate some instant velveeta shells and cheese. I feel a lot better anxiety and food wise. But I feel absolutely awful physically. It’s tough when there’s 3 things going on at one time to know which one is causing the most trouble and which one is making the others worse. I’m trying to get the laundry done that I’ve been neglecting for a week. I wear a new hoodie everyday so most of my laundry is just hoodies and heavy jeans. But with front loading washers you can’t fit that much in. So I have a load in the dryer and one in the washer and I have at least 2 more but I’ll probably save those for the morning because just doing those 2 wore me out. My mom went out and did some grocery shopping this morning and then again just now and got me a hot herbal tea with Splenda from Dunkin. Hopefully it helps.

The tea helped. I also watched a couple episodes of Project Runway and I feel decent now. The cold seems to flip back and forth and get worse and then better. I got almost all my laundry done except my white hoodies because I was tired and I had to spray some Oxy clean on a couple spots on 2 of them and they had to sit. I’ll do them in the morning.

I’m sneezing and stuffed up right now but I’m hoping to be better in the morning since I rested for most of the day. My mom feels iffy again but my brother seems to be decent.

I’m getting these intrusive thoughts that my therapist doesn’t like me because she was using a lot of humor and being goofy the first session and then the last 2 sessions she’s been super serious and maybe she just doesn’t think I’m the type of person who likes to goof around? Which I mean I’m basically not. So maybe she doesn’t quite understand. She’s not like a blank slate really. She does show emotion. I don’t know. Maybe the whole poison control incident was a bigger deal then I realized and she thinks my situation is a lot more I don’t know, complicated maybe then she had first realized so she needs to be more serious.

I mean I didn’t even think about it until today. Is this once again some kinda transference going on? I was just super glad she was supportive of my weight loss I didn’t stop to think about how she felt and thought of me personally anymore after that incident and then that following session.

I would love to see that! We have one family in this town that grows huge fields of sunflowers but they aren’t commonly seen here.

Still feel like ****. My dad's over and I just want him gone. I don't want a screaming match but I have a feeling that's what's going to happen.

The orthopedist says it is lateral epicondylitis better known as tennis elbow. I said I wish it came from tennis and it’s a fun sounding name for a painful condition. He gave me a cortisone injection in the injured tendon. It feels better already. I have a tennis strap, am to baby it for 6 weeks until the next injection and lift a certain way. It’s good to have some answers.

Now to figure out what to make for dinner.

Best wishes to everyone.

I’m glad you got an answer.

Today is Diwali so Happy Diwali!

Diwali is the festival of light that celebrates the triumph of light over darkeness. It applies to hope over fear, good over evil, etc.

Seems like next week is a repeat of this one, in the same order -- Monday is psychiatrist, Tuesday is therapy, and Wednesday is PCP.


My PCP looked at my labs and ordered me Vitamin D3 50,000 units (I take it once a week) for the next 12 weeks. (She commented it was very low) and apparently my anemia is a rather concerning thing. Well, I shouldn't say it like that, but they are making me do additional tests because some of the results are well out of range. I am worried-- but at the same time, I feel fine. This isn't an emergency situation, but I think it's a little odd she's requiring me to do extra tests and has scheduled a new appointment for next week to talk to me about the results. Doctors don't tend to do things like that...

Anyway, I guess I will know something Wednesday next week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I would love to see that! We have one family in this town that grows huge fields of sunflowers but they aren’t commonly seen here.

Many years ago I planted the seed of a King Sunflower. It grew and grew and it was taller than the house when it was fully grown! The flower itself was huge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien Still feel like ****. My dad's over and I just want him gone. I don't want a screaming match but I have a feeling that's what's going to happen.

How did it go?

Fine. I stayed in my bedroom and he got high and passed out.