Bipolar check-in #60

I started this conversation on facebook with this trans guy I knew back in 2010. He started to transition right when I came out in November 2019 but we lost touch before that but we were pretty close in 2010 and for a few years after on Facebook. I asked him how he was doing and he asked me how I was and then asked about my thanksgiving plans and I told him about going to see my family and he said he was just going to stay home with his cat. And I don’t know. I suck at conversations in general. But I didn’t know how to respond to him after that. He has no family support, and no medical support and can’t afford surgery and he doesn’t pass or anything and I am the complete opposite and I just don’t know how to respond to someone like that without like offending them or something. So our conversation just fizzled out. But everyone tells me to join a trans support group but it’s just tough for me because I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing.

I just made the dumb mistake of lifting 2 half gallon jugs of sweet tea down to the garage and into the fridge. One pressing against my stomach. I swear I just forget that I can’t do stuff and then I don’t realize until it ends up ****ing me over later. Just because I feel like I am able to do something doesn’t mean I should.

Also that coffee is for sure making me light headed. so it most likely isn’t mental health related. But I really do just need to be more careful in general. Like there’s legit **** happening and I’m not taking good care of myself. I have been trying though. Today was the first time there was an issue with coffee. But I haven’t been angry or moody like I had been before.

The comment I made earlier about people dropping like flies from Covid even with the vaccine was a scare story my mom told me this morning and it turned out the person who died didn’t even have the vaccine because she was scared of doctors. Thanks mom for scaring the crap out of me.

Ugh this anxiety sucks. I do feel like my heart is going to give out. The cat is trying to get into the new bag of cat food and I honestly don’t care what he does. I had to buy a less expensive brand of cat food since I have to cut back on everything I can. And anyone who says to cut out the coffee sounds like a republican law maker. Although I may cut it out for other reasons.

It will be 2 weeks today that I have not had any alcohol to speak of. The NA beers that I have been drinking have a little alcohol but I am not going to squible over that. I have now limited those "beers" to 3 a night and switch to zevia drinks and hot tea. and chewing gum. My weight is slowly coming down, have lost 9 pounds in 2 months.
Happy with slow weight loss.Just as long as it keeps going in the right direction.
bizi

I fell asleep at 8:40 last night and Woke up at 8am but I’m still so tired. I remember waking up at some point and grabbing RS, I think I said I had a bad dream but I don’t remember it if I did. I remember not being willing to let him go until I thought I was bothering him so I had to.

Same depression, irritability, and anxiety. I agreed to go to the arcade with my son since his birthday is next week and that’s his favorite thing to do. We walked in and I was immediately overwhelmed by the sounds but thankfully being the fact that it’s at the boardwalk and therefore off season, it wasn’t crowded. I kept it together.

I’ve been in bed since we got home a couple of hours ago. I had some stomach issues, which are happening quite often now, and I’m wondering if I am developing IBS. Im not interested in going to the dr though, I know there’s not much to do except figure out what foods trigger it and I already keep a food diary so I just have to keep a symptom diary as well and compare the two after a couple of months.

Im not looking forward to work tomorrow but I will be off on Tuesday in order to attend RS’s grandfather’s memorial service. And Friday at least the kids won’t be present. I’ll sit through the dumb meetings if there are any.

Next week is thanksgiving so I’ve got to do some rearranging in the chest freezer to make room for our turkey breast. We have some sides already. Really I just have to make the pie and apple crunch which I’ll do the night before. I hope I don’t forget the eggs in the pie like I did last year!

I'm sleepy. Maybe I should just go to bed early.

Edit:. 20 minutes later and I'm all ready for bed- and IN bed! Got my hot water bottle filled and everything. It snowed today. It wasn't bad but it did cover the ground. Had to brush my car off- but thankfully not scrape it! I turned my heat on for a few because it was 64 in the apartment. I spent a couple hours at my mom's today. We watched YouTube on her iPad with a fire in the fireplace. So cozy!

Congratulations bizi! Way to go!

I’m back from my trip to the Smokies. I had an incredible time with my daughter. We did some hiking, painted stained glass, perused the Thomas Kinkade gallery ( we both love him and I have 3 paintings) and had some good food (chicken almond quiche and strawberry salad was my favorite). We also hung out at the hot tub, pool and fire pit. We walked outside the condo last night and got to see the fireworks display from Dollywood closing down the park.

As I fell off to sleep each night, I thought about what a different person I was there compared to home. Much firmer boundaries are called for before they drag me down with them. When I came in, I took mom my leftover shrimp scampi and retired to the den to relax and watch Fletch 1 and 2. In the past I would have checked in for the gloom and doom. Not this time. I can tell she is miffed. I have something personal to do every day next week aside from the 7 appointments I need to attend for them. I call it project Freedom. I’ll stand firm. I’m feeling too badly when I don’t.

It usually takes 2.0 hours to get home but it took 4.5 due to heavy traffic. I pulled off at Ruby Tuesday’s and had some shrimp scampi and strawberry tea. Good stuff.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week.

Good for you Jennifer.

I did good hard work this morning washing my living room floor. It hasn't been done in ages. It's be haunting me. It was quite a project, i removed all but the heaviest furniture and put it all back. I did a good job and was mindful of my labored breathing and elevated heart-rate and took several breaks.

I have lots of cleaning to do before i start an in-home dog-grooming service on December 4th. I have a hard time deciding what will be less stressful: taking my dog on the bus which *she* hates, in the Winter weather, TO a grooming service or having an IN-HOME groomer, which *i* will hate, it's such a violation of my privacy. I guess i will give the in-home service a try and if i don't like the groomer i can always cancel. If she's pushy or intrusive i won't stand for it.

I cancelled the new TV service that i was so excited about. I was really looking forward to having something to amuse me over the tough Christmas holidays. But i tried several things on Netflix and didn't like any of them and i just feel it will be the same with TV, except worse, WITH commercials. Also i don't want to screw around with my Internet service and it would have meant switching providers. Also i don't want a tech in my home, i really treasure my privacy. I cancelled Netflix too.

I'll look into "screen-mirroring" devices at our local electronics store. It sounds like it's possible to "cast" content on my phone to my TV screen, which would be an improvement for cheap, about $50. When i last had cable TV service in 2018 i wasn't watching anything but soaps anyways and i can get them for free. "Days of our Lives" is hilarious, Marlena is possessed by The Devil! Again!

Soaps are funny! All My Children puts me to sleep though. Maybe because my mom watched it when I was about 4 or 5 and always fell asleep during it!

I got up at 5am and drove to work. Then I spent some time with my boyfriend Ben. We took a short drive through the park and it was so lovely with all the red, orange and yellow leaves on the trees. Usually by now they are all gone but the park looked gorgeous today!! He gave me some flowers. I swear I love that man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m back from my trip to the Smokies. I had an incredible time with my daughter. We did some hiking, painted stained glass, perused the Thomas Kinkade gallery ( we both love him and I have 3 paintings) and had some good food (chicken almond quiche and strawberry salad was my favorite). We also hung out at the hot tub, pool and fire pit. We walked outside the condo last night and got to see the fireworks display from Dollywood closing down the park. As I fell off to sleep each night, I thought about what a different person I was there compared to home. Much firmer boundaries are called for before they drag me down with them. When I came in, I took mom my leftover shrimp scampi and retired to the den to relax and watch Fletch 1 and 2. In the past I would have checked in for the gloom and doom. Not this time. I can tell she is miffed. I have something personal to do every day next week aside from the 7 appointments I need to attend for them. I call it project Freedom. I’ll stand firm. I’m feeling too badly when I don’t. It usually takes 2.0 hours to get home but it took 4.5 due to heavy traffic. I pulled off at Ruby Tuesday’s and had some shrimp scampi and strawberry tea. Good stuff. I hope everyone has a peaceful week.

There you go girl! I love your discoveries and your decisions

@bizi, that's great news about your sobriety. Congrats on that and keep counting those days.

@Jennifer 1967, I've been absolutely loving reading about your self care efforts, enjoying life the best you can, despite challenges. Your relationship with your daughter makes me think about my wonderful mom, too. Such treasured memories. Thank you!

At this moment, I'm feeling a touch of the malaise I've mentioned, lately. It comes and goes, and is always mild. I think it's a result of both stress and overdoing chores. I've tried to just relax, but when I do I get very bored and/or antsy. This morning I'm making bialy, which is something I've never made before. They are a type of roll, usually with caramelized onion and sometimes poppy seeds in the middle. They're commonly found in New Jersey grocery stores, and I believe were a precursor of bagels, which are made slightly differently. Their origins are from Poland, primarily in the Ashkenazi Jewish neighborhoods. I like food history. I plan to serve them like bagels, with cream cheese. Hubby has some lox. I prefer to eat such things with sliced tomato. I thought about preparing avocado, but I don't want that to dominate.

Hubby and I are just waiting and waiting. I hope that when "stuff starts happening" a bit that we go into a more excited mode. I'm not wishing for hypomania, but I sure good go for a little more satisfied/pleasant mood.

Mountaindewed if you feel like your heart is going to give up go easy on the Geodon!

It has nothing to do with the ****ing Geodon!!!! I’ve been taking it as prescribed for weeks! Last night I thought better and I didn’t take it all. But I’m only taking my prescribed amount and nothing extra. It’s been like that for weeks. I’m on 180mil a day. And the side effects I meant in my last post were increased hunger. Nothing else.

But anyways these issues are not Geodon related. I have too much testosterone in my system and my hemoglobin and hematocrit levels are high due to my testosterone levels. That’s where the heart issues are coming from. This has absolutely nothing to do at all with my Geodon and it never has. So please stop harping on me about it. My doctor is taking care of things.

My weight isn’t budging. Despite the no soda, low carbs, low sodium, high protein, Atkin shakes, bars, and Topamax stuff I’m doing. So I assume it’s either the coffee I’ve stopped drinking or my sleep. I think they said everything starts in your bedroom or something like that. But I think I’ve gotten one decent night this past month and it’s really really wearing me down and making me angry and anxious and making my meds not work anymore. I stopped at the gas station to pickup some different kinda snacks just to see if eating something different would help. But I just feel like crap physically but drinking coffee gets my anxiety and heart going and makes me feel like a mess mentally. Basically it just comes down to getting my sleep fixed. I started back on the recommended dose of melatonin which still isn’t helping.

I ate a Jack Links salami and Colby cheese combo. I’m hoping the protein does something for me. I also hope my Pdoc gets back to me about my visitril. Even though it kinda sucks for weight loss it works well for anxiety along with Valium. Hopefully I also get this mood thing taken care of soon.

Ugh I have scar gel all over my hoodie it feels so weird I feel like I’m going to die. Hopefully these top scars eventually will fade with this gel though.

I wish I could sleep all day but if I can’t sleep at night I don’t expect to sleep during the day. I have to finish my DVD I think it’s due back at the library soon and I still have several more hour long episodes. But so far I’ve just been lying in bed texting my mom and asking who the **** is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Don’t know if it’s necessary or not but

Edit: well I got in a decent hours worth of sleep. I was dreaming about all this crazy stuff I can’t remember now. I feel kinda better physically but I still have the anxiety.

Day two without the Vraylar and I feel like absolute horseshit. This is what happens when your appointment with your med provider is on a Friday and the pharmacy is closed on weekends. I was up almost all night. I took 2mg valium so hopefully that'll at least ease the agitation part that wants to destroy myself from the outside in. Oh, and the vraylar needs a prior auth so I can't even go pick it up this morning and take it and go back to feeling one level less ******.

I am so done with the pharmacies/insurance companies, the symptoms, the withdrawals, the doctors, ...

My ED is kicking my @ss as well. It's probably got a part in driving my nasty moods.

Walked to Family Dollar today. Bought a box of Christmas tree little Debbie snack cakes

Stopped by the library and picked up my requests.

It’s a gloomy rainy day. Has been the past few days.

I finally put my coffee table together by myself the other day. I think it looks good in my apartment. It’s pictured below.

I actually slept last night without the Thorazine. So maybe it will be possible for me to just be on the 2 APs and my other meds instead of 3 APs which I do not want. We’ll see how things go over the next couple weeks.

The omeprazole is helping my acid reflux a LOT. I barely notice it anymore.

Hope everyone’s having a decent day. I’m going to spend a lot of time reading today.

(I have no idea why the pictures posted upside down. They’re right side up on my phone)

Very nice coffee table blue bird. I like that look. Yay for you assembling on your own.

My Pdoc called and told me to start back on the visteril. I just have to wait for the pharmacy to call and say it’s ready and this one is slow and without a car it could be tomorrow afternoon by the time I get it since it’s already almost noon. My mom and I switched beds. So I don’t have the memory foam one anymore. I have a 22 year old box spring one. Which was the one I had before and I slept better on it then the memory foam one. I couldn’t help move it because my doctor told me not to and I found some more bleeding today. It was annoying watching my mom and my brother struggle with it because I would have literally just yanked it and moved it quickly the way my mom and I did it last time. My brother is often useless when it comes to lifting and moving stuff despite weighing 249 pounds. I think the bed was a big part of the issue. I’m sitting on it now and I already feel a lot more relaxed now that I’m not sinking. When I woke up from taking a nap I wanted to use my oral sensory item and I haven’t wanted to use that in a few months. My last therapist found it to be a strange coping skill and she was trying to get me to not use it while my transference therapist said that I should be using it whenever I’m anxious even when I’m not sleeping. She thought it was great. I don’t like getting mixed messages like that in therapy because it’s confusing when one therapist tells you what you are doing is great and then the next one tell you it’s wrong. I’d feel uncomfortable bringing it up with my current therapist just because of the age thing. But yeah I may use it tonight for the first time in awhile. It does often really help my sleep as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Walked to Family Dollar today. Bought a box of Christmas tree little Debbie snack cakes Stopped by the library and picked up my requests. It’s a gloomy rainy day. Has been the past few days. I finally put my coffee table together by myself the other day. I think it looks good in my apartment. It’s pictured below. I actually slept last night without the Thorazine. So maybe it will be possible for me to just be on the 2 APs and my other meds instead of 3 APs which I do not want. We’ll see how things go over the next couple weeks. The omeprazole is helping my acid reflux a LOT. I barely notice it anymore. Hope everyone’s having a decent day. I’m going to spend a lot of time reading today. (I have no idea why the pictures posted upside down. They’re right side up on my phone)

Lovely coffee table! Wow, I really like it.

I have a therapy appointment to get to, so I'm in a hurry. But I want to sending calming vibes to each of you~

Ran all over town this afternoon. It’s nice out, a bit chilly but for my state nice. Remembered to ask for the Viking points and got an additional.27 cents off gas per gallon. I have 64 cents off total so that will be nice. My car only gets 26 miles per gallon. For as small and light as it is it should get better gas mileage than that. But I’ll take it. Much better than my old Buick.

I’m irritable though. Got enough sleep I think it’s just the short dark days. Blah, don’t like winter.

My "casting" device to project from my phone onto my TV is FABULOUS!!! It was more expensive than i expected: $150. But it allows me to watch free TV on my big TV screen and that's so wonderful, after watching on my phone for months the faces seem so huge! It was tricky to set up but i persisted and was successful. I'm sooooooooooooo happy!!!!!

I was productive today. I got laundry including sheets cleaned. I watered the plants. My kitchen trash can was completely covered in black mold on the inside so rather than disturb it I bought a new trash can. I will give this one a squirt of bleach every so often to avoid having this happen again. I watered the plants, too.

Last night, I was watching a lessons and carols service by an English choir - made up of boys (pre-puberty) and young men. (College age.). It made me feel like I was singing with them in my head and that felt good since I haven't been able to sing in real life for a couple years now. Then LAST NIGHT, I dreamed I was in a boarding school with the boys and we were all singing together! And what makes it even better is that I KNEW I was dreaming so I could enjoy the dream all the more!