Bipolar check-in #60

We have very quickly reached a near-crisis point. It’s 1:15am and I am not asleep, nor do I feel like I will be anytime soon. I would listen to a sleep story but I can’t stand the thought of listening to voices. I was only listening to instrumental music earlier. That’s a bad sign. Very bad. At least things aren’t too loud yet.

Im going to try to not freak out and just accept that this is where I am right now and it will not last forever. I am not worried about being forced IP because my feet are still firmly on the ground, ie no paranoia or compulsive self injury. I just keep telling myself twenty years is long enough, I don’t want to still be self harming when I’m 54.

I do get to speak with my therapist tomorrow, assuming the program works, and hopefully she’ll help me organize my jumbled thoughts into a cohesive plan of action.

Well this is a turn around. Not doing great at 3:20AM. Yesterday and today has led me into a very uneasy place emotionally. I really don't know what is precipitating all of this, beyond just my obsession with my health lately but my instinct to not leave the house or deal with people is very strong. An old friend reached out two days ago and I regret sending a text yesterday (it wasn't anything wrong, but I feel I shouldn't have sent it. It also may be interpreted the wrong way. I didn't hear back). I kinda regret ever answering the phone call when he called. I want to go back to just being alone. This particular friend has a habit of disappearing from my life every few years and randomly finding his way back. He last left because I was suffering and he didn't want to deal with me, which he more or less admitted. It's more my fault I guess. I shouldn't expect others to harbor my negativity. Honestly I've had way too much interactions in the last few months, the majority being awful.

Beyond that, I am having serious discussions with myself if I am really "sick". Not the physical stuff -- I'm only concerned because they leaving me impressions something is wrong. I'm probably misinterpreting the caution. I'm always misinterpreting a lot I think, another reason to stay away from people. I am questioning whether my mental illness is real. I think I'm just a weak person who is wasting their time getting help. No one has said anything to make me feel this way, but I feel my interactions have lead me to this thought process. I don't trust my own judgement, therefore I guess I second guess the core things I know-- like there is something "wrong" with me.


I really just want to stop all treatments and go back to bed. I brought this on myself I guess, by obsessing. I don't know what to do.

@WindsThatBlow

I’ve been down the “do I really have a mental illness or am I just bringing it on myself?” Road quite a few times, as I’m sure others have as well. I was convinced it was my fault, that I was just thinking negatively and could pull myself out of it if I really wanted to and for some reason I was too weak to do that. I went off my meds quite a few times as well, thinking maybe it’s a “them” problem, not a “me” problem.

What convinced me it wasn’t was when I was off meds for about six months and I was sitting in the ER with my then husband and my brain snapped. I became very paranoid, believing that everyone around me could read my mind and were going to harm me. People’s voices were too loud, I couldn’t concentrate. That convinced me that it WAS a me problem, not meds influencing me or conditioning me to think a certain way.

But I’ve still struggled. Right now, in fact, I’m thinking I’m freaking out for no reason and I can control it somehow. And I’m sure that’s partially true, there must be something I can do that I’m not doing.

But honestly I just remember this quote:

Of course it’s happening inside your head. But why on earth should that me that it is not real?

Albums dumbledore, from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (yeah I’m a nerd )

To me it means that yes, we are sick in our heads sometimes and yes we think that we’re making it up, but just because we’re the only one experiencing it at the time doesn’t mean it’s not real suffering.

I thought last night that after 4 days I’d be feeling better today. I think the actual word I used was “awesome” But I woke up at 2:30 this morning feeling like absolute shite physically. I’m totally out of breath, coughing my lungs out, and I have nasal stuff going on, and I am completely worn out. I’m just gonna make my mom take me to get a Covid test today no matter how much she complains and whines and says how much it’s unnecessary. Because it’s Friday and I don’t want to end up in the ER on a Saturday night because of her. I’d like to get this taken care of even if it’s not Covid.

Too bad If it is covid seeing you and your mum have been shopping. Gotta stay home in this day and age when you have those sort of symptoms! I hope you don’t have it.

I’ve been staying home. I’ve been going out twice a week max since lockdown was lifted to get out all my shopping done. And only early on the weekdays. My mom goes out all the time throughout the day. She never took this seriously from the start. When people were stocking up in March 2020 she was saying it was just a bunch of BS. When lockdown was lifted in June she was going out to shop while I was still staying home and ordering online or doing curbside pickup. Now she’s going out almost everyday with my brother to take him shopping and allowing my sick nephews to be in the house. But this is not on me at all. I’m still being super careful and I always have been and she has never been careful.

I managed to sleep at 3:30 until 7:30. And thankfully the program did work so I was able to speak to my therapist. She reminded me of skills that I’d forgotten about, which is why I wanted to talk to her. I knew she’d have some suggestions. She reminded me of ice which I’ve done before and I’m not sure it really works but I’ll try it again. She suggested if it does work to take some cheap ice packs to work or bottles of water and leave them in the freezer. If anyone asks I’ll just say my hand/wrist hurts. She said get something strong tasting too but I don’t like altoids and I don’t like sugary candy so I’ll have to check out the sugar free aisle at the drugstore.

At least it’s something. I was in an absolute panic this AM and I couldn’t find my Xanax anywhere. Now that I’m thinking about it I think I put it in the bag I took to my SIL’s with my things I needed to get ready for the wedding. I’ll check in a little while, I’m still very anxious but not as much as I was.

Well she did make a fuss but she took me and we both went and got tested at the same place my brother in law took my nephew to last Friday and they got same day results and fairly quickly. It’s actually where I went for my preop Covid test and I went late in the afternoon and had the results early the next morning. So I do expect to have them today. But now I just have to try and relax and wait. I’m in bed under my blankets and I’m about to turn on the TV. I also found once again a bunch of dark blood on the toilet paper this morning which my doctor says is all normal. Yeah 5 weeks after surgery and still bleeding like this is considered normal? I just feel like complete crap today.

I’m trying to watch that show I Am Jazz and it’s just a bit triggering when they talk about the whole trans people getting murdered stuff. I know I don’t put myself out there on YouTube and I know I’m not out seeking a relationship and I know I pass as a guy so I guess I don’t have to necessarily worry as much as some other trans individuals do but when I’m at a gas station and a bunch of truckers come in and even though they are wearing jeans and hoodies and baseball hats like I am I usually just hurry up and leave even though they don’t pay attention to me. It’s just something I worry about and I worry about going back to work as well.

@Mountaindewed I hope both your covid tests come back negative.

I got up earlier than normal and got a shower and put on clean clothes. I need to do laundry. I made my booster shot 💉 appointment for Tuesday and I also have an appointment to get my new tires the same day. It should be a productive day. And this Sunday we are changing my 🛢️ oil. I will feel good when all of these things are taken care of.

My friend that I go to the dog park with wants us to go to the hot tub place! We will split the cost. They are private themed hot tub places- I like to sit outside when it's cold out- even ice and snow! So fun! We will get the hour session.

Oo hot tubs sound nice, wish they had that around here, but I’d opt for a Hawaiian themed one. Sand, lava, palm trees!

Sounds very productive. All I have on the agenda is a haircut. Took a shower just waiting for my hair to dry.

I may have to cancel my next painting class. They sent out a notice that everyone will need masks. If the instructor wears a mask I can’t lip read!

My brother was breathing pretty badly. He’s super over weight and he’s 31 and probably has uncontrolled diabetes. My mom never takes him to the doctor. So she’s taking him now to immediate care and hopefully it’s nothing that will cause him to have to be admitted. Ugh there are many many stories like this about Covid where someone think it’s just something little and then they end up dying. And all 3 of us are ****ing vaccinated too! We wear masks everywhere we go and use hand sanitizer and social distance. I don’t get it unless one of my nephews is a spreader. I don’t know maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself. I have that seal like cough though and I can’t take any cold medicine so I don’t know what to do. I have Gatorade to drink but that’s about all I can do. My symptoms in the grand scheme are mild.

Edit: every time I stand up to get something. I feel like I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I’ve eaten today though. and I am just super short of breath and I feel weak. I don’t know. I didn’t think I needed to go to the doctors myself. I just thought my brother needed to go. When I’m in bed I’m anxious, at least I thought it was anxiety. but I can breathe decently. In bed. I’ve had 4 Gatorade zeros today because I don’t know how else to manage my symptoms besides rest soup and Gatorade. I can’t imagine what I’ll weigh tommrow with all this sodium.

But please don’t jump down my throat like that. I wasn’t doing anything wrong to begin with and I am very nervous right now. And people who are thanking your comment are just being black mailers.

I know a couple of them have fireplaces! Those are my favorite.

Oh so cool! Hot tubs with fireplace 🔥

Haircut done.

Evergreens porch pot bought. Tomorrow when the temperature goes up another 10 degrees I’ll pull the flowers out and put the winter porch pot there until spring. I managed to get one with a nice thick white birch tree branch and big pine cones on it.

My brother is ok. His lungs are ok. He’s got some infection in his eye though so the Dr. Prescribed something. My mom went to Walgreens to pickup that and my testosterone my endocrinologist called in on Monday. She asked the pharmacist what cold medicine was ok for me to take and there is nothing that’s safe. So I’m coughing up a storm and my throat is hurting again and my head hurts. I made some instant Kraft mac and cheese since I didn’t have the energy to peel an egg or measure out anything tonight. I didn’t get my Covid results today and I’m disappointed. But if your breathing ok and you don’t have a fever I don’t know what you can do anyways. I still have my bleeding but that’s been going on nonstop for days. I’ve been curled up in bed all day watching TV since 1 maybe. I hope this eases up by the end of the weekend. I want to get my haircut. It’s getting longer then I am comfortable with.

Fibro. Is. So. Bad.

I. Can't. Take. A. Deep. Breath.

Oh school....please tell me it will be worth all this stress and doom gloom feelings I keep having! I struggle with motivation to do it all. Its ALOT! I am currently working on a child development assessment paper. Next a paper about my genogram.

I’m so sorry. Sending gentle hugs and hoping you feel better soon.

I am sorry you are going thru this. What about inhalers?
bizi

Have you tried hot water, lemon juice and honey? I can't take cough meds either and this is fairly helpful.

I had my apartment recertification interview today, it went well.

Also, early in the day they had anyone who is on SSI/Medicaid in the apartment complex to sign up to get a free tablet. So I did that and got one, it's actually really nice, and it came with a good case too. It runs Android. It's fast, has no problem with running various apps, YouTube and Netflix run really well too on it, I like it

I went to the movie theater and saw Dune with my friend tonight. I never seen the older one before and never read the books so it was a bit confusing but was still a good movie, I plan on watching the old movie from a long time ago, and maybe reading the books eventually.

Just posting to say hello to everyone and wish people well. I have been doing certain activities to help curb my impatience with many things. Patience has been a virtue I've struggled with my whole life. I've improved it in recent years, but there is a limit.

The whirlwind of special occasions is soon forthcoming. It was meant to start mid next week, but I'll be making an elaborate cake for Hubby earlier than expected. Somehow an expensive perishable ingredient was delivered early, by a mistake. I asked Hubby if it was OK to make ahead of time. He said yes. He is yet to send me his wish list for another special occasion. I told him if he doesn't, he gets nothing. Despite that, it's still MIA.

The other day, my Dad called me. I had called him not too long before, so was surprised. Out of nowhere he seemed to be a little more like his old self, from years ago. It was truly a pleasant conversation. Even saying "conversation" indicates how much better it was. I emailed my sister about that afterwards and she said her last conversation with him was better, too. I confess that makes me WANT to talk to him more. Obviously everyone wants a parental figure in their life. Or those that don't like their parent(s) surely deep down wish they did. The latter often brings about transference situations. My beloved old psychiatrist was a bit of a substitute for my late mother.