Bipolar check-in #60

I'm struggling hard (mostly ED stuff though, but also mostly sui stuff). All I want is a hug ******mit!

My anxiety is absoloutly out of control today. I didnt get coffee or an iced tea or anything. I've already taken all 3 of my valium. I kept my empty bottle of vistril for this excat moment and I looked at it and I could have gotten it refilled yesterday. So my mom is going to get it for me. I don't know why I'm so anxious but I've been up since 12:30. I went to bed at 6 and I thought I was safe going to bed at that time after being up since 9:30 Tuesday night. I wish I knew what was wrong. I heard on the news this morning they expect covid to get so bad starting the week after christmas and are expecting 15 thousand deaths a week. But my issues started a few days ago and I havent been stressing about covid for awhile. I had planned on applying to jobs starting in january but now with this new CDC stuff I'm not sure going back to work right now is a good idea. Especially since working for me at this time is not a life or death situation. My mom (my aunt said at Thanksgiving as well) that I shouldnt go back to work if a ton of people are dropping like flys every day from covid.

And this isnt to scare anyone this is legit breaking news overnight coming from the CDC.

But hopefully it was the benadryl increasing my hunger and not the vistril so I can contiune that so I can somewhat get this anxiety under control or ideally completly under control.

I know I've been told sometimes we're just anxious for no resdon but this seems kinda ridicoulous.

Edit: I'm still at a loss. My double valium didnt work. My palms are so sweaty I am anxious out of my mind. My mom is still out. She texted me and got some zero sugar caffeine free soda for me. I had an Atkins shake thinking that would help. I've also had 2 greek yogurts. So I've had a lot of protein. Maybe I need carbs next. I hope the vistril works. One of my pdocs said I could take 3 at one time and I was on 50mil at that time. This dose is 25mil twice a day. So I guess its ok to take a fair amount of it. This is really my only option I have no clue where theres an IP place around here to go for an assement and the ERs are jam packed with covid patients. I could possibly take a geodon early instead of all at night.

I got the vistril. I took 3. Passed out in a deep sleep for over an hour. Then ordered $17 worth of Mexican food. But the anxiety is under control now thanks to the vistril.

I'm trying not to go to bed too early again especially with that nap. These last 2 nights screwed with everything. I dont have my music but I am still pretty tired right now.

Getting anxious. I’m going to my granddaughter’s dance recital but I have to drive 25 minutes on the freeway in the dark to get there. I hate driving in the dark. Why can’t she have it at 2 in the afternoon on a Saturday or Sunday? Lot of semi’s and deer are on that road. Ugh, it’s 2021 we were to have transporters or flying cars by now!

My area opened up for COVID booster shots on Monday and i have been struggling to book an appointment. Today i got one! FOR MONDAY!!! HOORAY!!! And it's right in my neighborhood too! Aces!

Well, my cat is really quite ill. I thought it may be just his teeth but my son noticed a bald spot on his hind leg. He’s been excessively grooming. I’m just so worried. I love both my cats but Cheeto is special. He lays with me every night before I go to sleep. He says hi to me when I get home from work. It would hurt me so much to have to put him down. I would miss him so much. I’m going to have RS take him to his vet appointment on Monday, I can’t reschedule it, it’s urgent. I will tell RS he can’t work late on Monday. I know I say I can’t pay for treatment but when it comes down to it…I can’t pay for chronic treatment but if it’s something that can be fixed or at least stopped for awhile I’m gonna do it of course. Put it on my credit card and just pay it as I can.

Me, I’m still weak. I’m trying to sit up straight for awhile throughout the day but it’s so tiring. I have a bad cough but infrequent and my headache is responding better to Advil. Some people feel better and then worse again so I’m hoping that doesn’t happen to me.

I did manage to sit up long enough to meet with my pdoc briefly over telehealth. I told her the vraylar seems to be making a small difference so I’m going to start taking it daily. She’s hoping it helps enough that we can try reducing and then removing some of my other meds, probably the seroquel XR since I don’t want to be on two APs at once if I can help it.

9 hours til I report for surgery. Cant sleep of course. Dreading this.

I had a 3-hour hair appointment yesterday. It included more highlights, covering of gray roots, a haircut, and blow dry. Major ordeal! I'm glad it's done though. She did a good job, like last time. It wasn't cheap, but it was only half the price as when I got all of this done at my old salon in the US. So, that old salon was exorbitantly expensive. I only went there because the stylist knew what she was doing. It seems the stylist here in Czech Republic knows her stuff, as well. I believe she's originally from one of the Eastern European countries. I forget which. Maybe Latvia or Estonia?

I've baked more cookies than I set out to. I originally planned three or four varieties, but in the end it will be six. I'm rather looking forward to going to my s-i-l's. More than Hubby is.

Man do I feel like a competly diffrent person today. I took the vistril and that nap yesterday and then had dinner and then I slept for about 13 hours straight from 6 last night until 7:30 this morning. My anxiety is gone. My moods are great. I'm in the Christmas spirit. I really need to get this sleep under a strict scheudule so everything else can follow since I think my sleep is why things can be tough sometimes.

I was thinking of getting my haircut but its probably a mad house right now. I'm glad you got yours done. My hair never quite turns out the way I want it to and I feel like I always look like one of the 3 Stooges. I'm glad you know of someone who knows what they are doing. I just go to a chain place and I've thought of going to a barber but I'm not totally comfortable with the idea.

I'm watching Office Space and drinking coffee. I should change my sheets and put away my laundry. It's 40 here- yesterday it was 60!- clear blue skies and sun. I walked to Starbucks and back yesterday. However, it was pretty windy yesterday. Wednesday, pdoc commented on how my hands shake especially when I'm holding a cup of coffee. I don't know if that's from the increased Haldol but I've always- since psych treatment- had this issue.

Our cat, Sassy, died yesterday. She was a beautiful cat with long, silky fur the color of a flame and unusual green eyes. Her absence is felt by me and I grieve her loss but I feel sorrier for mom. She’s had a pet for every one of her 86 years and she is struggling right now. We have no more pets with no plans to get any.

I had a good time at the drum circle if I hadn’t already said that. This month has been kind of blah for me and with the exception of my daughter, I would happily skip the holidays. As it is, we are having it over here so I have much work to do. I don’t think anything could get me in the holiday spirit at this point. I just want it over with.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Oh Jennifer I’m sorry about the passing of your cat. Is your brother home yet. Did they arrange care for him this time?

I'm glad to read that you have some relief from your anxiety. And it's certainly fun to be in the Christmas spirit.

I think that if you maintain a man's haircut, a barber is worth considering. My husband has always had a much better result from barbers over places like a Hair Cuttery or Short Clips, and the like. He said he once even saw a woman get a cut at his old barber shop, since she had very short hair. I think since you're now a man, it should hopefully not be a problem, though of course I'm not familiar with the attitudes where you live. My old town was fairly progressive in most ways.

@Jennifer 1967, I'm sorry to read about your kitty. Condolences to you and your mom. I do hope that something about the holidays brings at least a little light into your lives. Do stick to your guns about not being pushed beyond your limit with your brother. There comes a time when a family (and the family member themselves) must accept that assisted living is necessary.

@Moose72, if the tremors are really bad has your pdoc considered propranolol? It did wonders at calming my old Lithium tremors. It was a very small pill and didn't give me any side effects. And was inexpensive.

I did end up going to the chain place this afternoon. I was suprised, it was empty. I thought with 15 thousand covid cases a day and that number expected to go way up and it being a week before Christmas Eve that the place would be crazy. At least that were the reasons I was there.

But I showed her a picture. I had to give her instructions at times because at one point it was getting to be a little bit like the 3 stooges. But she ended up doing a good job.

I'm glad that you are going to get him some help other than you. As Nammu said he really needs more care than you can provide.... Yes you deserve a life and you cant be tied down the way you have been.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Steve made it to Amandas this morning. So grateful he had no trouble and he didn't have to deal with any awful traffic for the most part.

I'm going to work really hard on not letting my anxiety snowball into true panic attacks

Hugs and love to all

It’s really hard not to be anxious over spouses and our kids but you can do it! Let Gus distract you with his antics. I’ll send those calming purple vibes your way too.

I have another headache. I'm not sure where these are coming from. I have a slight cough and a sore throat. Covid sucks in my state and my mom goes out almost everyday. I'm not particularly worried although my brother cant get boosted until Monday. He wasn't eligible for the first one until April and things were ok then so he just waited until we moved in May. Since I was having surgery in June I wanted to be fully protected so I got the first shot before we moved then the second one right after in May. So I got my booster a few weeks ago.

I'm trying to switch things up so I can fix my schedules. Food, meds, sleep. So I can get on a consistent schedule with everything. So far tonight has been ok. I ate 2 hours later then normal and I've taken my melatoinin but not my geodons. So I'm hoping to get to sleep closer to 10.

Basically everything just comes down to me fixing my sleep first which means just staying up later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 9 hours til I report for surgery. Cant sleep of course. Dreading this.

Update us when you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Our cat, Sassy, died yesterday. She was a beautiful cat with long, silky fur the color of a flame and unusual green eyes. Her absence is felt by me and I grieve her loss but I feel sorrier for mom. She’s had a pet for every one of her 86 years and she is struggling right now. We have no more pets with no plans to get any. I had a good time at the drum circle if I hadn’t already said that. This month has been kind of blah for me and with the exception of my daughter, I would happily skip the holidays. As it is, we are having it over here so I have much work to do. I don’t think anything could get me in the holiday spirit at this point. I just want it over with. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your kitty.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Sassy.

I got an appointment for my third dose on Sunday through work because I work at a hospital. My wife is only getting her appointment Jan 20 at a public clinic.

My anxiety is still pretty high. I'm 16 days into Trintellix.

I was under a lot of stress today at work. I went for training last week and today I had to put my newly learned skills to work.

Technically I'm not allowed to do the work until I pass an exam but I got special permission. Things worked out in the end but that was super stressful. And they say I'll be called upon over the next couple of weeks because the person that usually does this is on vacation.