Bipolar check-in #60

Hey sloths seem happy. I have the motivation of a snail

I feel like I did something super bad even though I didn't. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes? I was really hungry because I took my zofran so maybe I just feel bad about all the eating I did. I don't know. I was groggy yesterday from the visteril but not in a bad mood. Basically I was just hungry for an hour and then I fell asleep right away. I took all my meds correctly too. It was just weird.

I think today is shaping up to be a lazy day. I'm crampy and have no motivation. My boyfriend turned me on to the show Shameless, so I've been watching a lot of that. I'm excited to go to my eye doctor appointment today. The exam part is annoying, but I can't wait to pick out new glasses. It's been 5 years since I got a new pair!!

On vacation this week and loving it. Have been under a high amount of work stress for the last month. Feels good to chill.

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I’m going nuts in my room. I’m trying to come up with a way to leave early. Best I got is technically my symptoms started a day earlier because I had a cough that I thought was unusual for me, a dry cough that didn’t go away until drinking a whole 24oz bottle of water. Usually if I have a tickle in my throat a few sips is all it takes. I had the coughing attack three times, of course I didn’t think Covid at the time but clearly it was.

I just want to leave my room, not my house. I will steer clear of public until the correct isolation end date but I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m back in the psych hospital. Trapped with nowhere to go until the dr said I could. The longer I stayed the more convinced I became that RS didn’t want me back.

I’m going to at least go down to the basement at some point and do a workout video or something. My body aches from sitting on the bed. The room is too small to add a chair or even pace. The basement is large and no one goes down there for more than a few minutes. If I tell my son to stay upstairs for a few hours I can breathe freely.

Tomorrow my husband and I set out for my sister-in-law's. We'll be there for several days. I'm kinda sorta looking forward to it, but at the same time dreading his family wondering why my Czech has progressed so little. They will ask about it. I will feel "tested" and will know I fell short. Really, though, it's my issue and struggle. I'm trying to be kind to myself about it, but can't fully explain it...to anyone, including myself.

Tonight we'll go for a drink at our landlady's house. She invited us when Hubby was asking when we should go to give her the rent money for the month. The invite is friendly, so I should appreciate that. And yet, I wish we didn't have to stay more than a few minutes. Or just Hubby go. These past couple of weeks have been tiring for me. I yearned for a break before the family visit.

I sent my old psychiatrist (American one) a holiday greeting email today. I had been putting it off because I have little to say. I said as much, but wished him well. Deep down I don't want to completely break from him. Plus, I am wondering if he will EVER send me my last bill for co-pays. He was an out-of-network psychiatrist. He handled payments differently, submitting bills to my old insurance provider and then billing me for the remainder. He was always long overdue sending me the bills. He'd send them only once per year (or less) sometimes. That would mean the bill was over $3,000. It's hard to have to part with the money in a huge chunk. I'd rather pay lesser amounts more frequently. However, I haven't been billed since August 2020. My last online appointment with him was in May 2021. Yes, that long ago. Frankly, I think he'll never bill me. I had bugged him about it many times, but to no avail. My husband finally told me "He's not a child! Stop bugging him!" So, I stopped. Once, a long time ago in the past, I literally yelled at my psychiatrist "DON'T YOU WANT MY MONEY!?!?" It's all so strange. Frankly, I wish I had some kind of true closure on the relationship. Not having it hurts me, as it was a case of transference love.

LOL ! You had surgery I have no excuse

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I’m sorry your literally stuck ! Honestly I would be feeling the same. Basement sounds like a winner. Thursday is get out of Covid jail right ??

Hang in there somehow

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Steve is missing me ALOT. Said we aren’t going to do this again.. him going and my staying home.

In reality I’m glad I’m home as I mentioned before. His oldest son got a 5 bedroom Airbnb which I’m glad as I didn’t want Steve in a hotel but of course his ex is there also. She’s a horrible human being. I would have literally bite my tongue in half.

Steve was thinking wedding was Sunday lol Nope it’s tonight !

SIL Cindy closes on her home sale in Florida Jan 8th. She’s struggling to get everything packed. They moved so much into a storage unit. I told her to get rid of 90% of everything. She’s thinking that is the only way she will survive this move.

Everybody ready for Christmas?

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@~Christina
Yes, Thursday I’m “sprung” lol. I went out briefly to the pharmacy (drive through) to grab my prescription and being out felt so nice even though it was only for 15 minutes! Of course the pharmacy didn’t actually have my prescription, I mean why would they, honestly. It’s a refill but they need authorization but no no, don’t contact me and tell me that. The authorization really could be their error OR my dr office error considering that both are incompetent. The front desk staff, not my actual dr. But it doesn’t matter, I got to be in my car for a little while and just the change in environment has refreshed me.

I’m glad you decided not to go to Florida, honestly. Every time you go there it takes you weeks to recover, mentally and physically! As long as you are comfortable with your decision, that’s all that matters.

We were supposed to go to Puerto Rico for a wedding in June but I’ve had to be absent from work so often already that there’s no way I can take time off for something personal like that. And I’m SO glad because I would have hated it! North Carolina was bad enough, being stuck in a house with RS’s family for a week. And they’re all wonderful people, I just hate being “on” for so long. And the actual wedding would have killed me. So glad!

Getting rid of 90% of her stuff is a great idea, moving makes you realize how much stuff you have and that you don’t use at least 75% of it.

I'm feeling better today and back at work.

I had my pdoc appointment and she did not increase the Trintellix. She said we'd need to wait 4-6 weeks before doing that.

After much trying, we got a 3rd dose appointment for my wife next week. The clinic is really far away from where I live - about 35 miles drive - and it's in the night but it should be ok as long as we don't get heavy snow that day.

It’s like a sweet wine.

I had an elbow injection scheduled for today that would have gotten rid of the pain but my car wouldn’t start. The next available is 1/13. It was the battery. I was so disappointed and it put me in a very rare, don’t poke the bear mood. My sister has been stressed lately and has taken to yelling, attacking and threatening us on a regular basis. She’s planning on coming over today. Not a good idea. Usually I’m peaceful and patient and handle things diplomatically.

My daughter will be here Thursday. I’m so looking forward to that!

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Oh Jennifer I’m so sorry your car didn’t start, it’s like the fates don’t want you getting this shot or something. Maybe make an offering to the fates to appease them or something! this is the second shot you’ve been forced to miss right? I hope the third time is the charm.

Oh dear, I typed my message in the middle of your post, but I don’t want to retype it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had an elbow injection scheduled for today that would have gotten rid of the pain but my car wouldn’t start. The next available is 1/13. It was the battery. I was so disappointed and it put me in a very rare, don’t poke the bear mood. My sister has been stressed lately and has taken to yelling, attacking and threatening us on a regular basis. She’s planning on coming over today. Not a good idea. Usually I’m peaceful and patient and handle things diplomatically. My daughter will be here Thursday. I’m so looking forward to that! I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

UGH, I'm sorry about your car. That is so darn frustrating and disruptive. But YAY your daughter is coming!

Thanks Nammu! That gave me a big belly laugh! I’ll be thinking of my offering Yes, I hope third time is the charm.

I’ve only taken ibuprofen today for pain-no narcotics!

My son (age 33) has covid. Thank the universe he has been vaccinated, including the booster, so he's been only moderately ill. Said he has felt like he has a head cold, but that the oddest sensation is the loss of his sense of smell. I hope his wife doesn't catch it.

My husband took me around town to see the lights last night. It was fun and pretty.

I've been seeing my therapist twice per week for a year or so. I'm seriously considering decreasing our sessions to once/week. I don't know how to tell her...I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it.

My T and I were planning for me to do some EMDR with her colleague after the new year, but I don't think I'm going to go through with the plan. I'm feeling like digging around with old trauma may actually be making it worse.

Glad you got a break today !!! Yeah prescriptions being jacked up is a huge pet peeve I have. It’s always on Walmart’s end Ugh Ugh Ugh. My Doctors offices are always so good about stuff.

Oh yeah that trip was hard on you I use to feel bad about how much trips mess with me. My stability is more important than a trip.

How’s your Kitty ???

Many hugs my friend

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Car problems truly drive me crazy !!! Does your Sister always act like this??! Maybe she should move her brother into her home? Argh I dunno why some people are just not nice people.

So excited you will have time with M

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LOL I hear ya ! I’m back using Tapatalk to come here. Typing on my lap top was annoying the hell out of me.

Hugs!

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Aww Beth I hope your son recovers quickly!

So glad you got out to see some lights! Steve and I went around a few subdivisions in town last week was pretty.

As for trauma work ? I think sometimes picking at it can help but I also think maybe not so much. Maybe do a pro/con list on paper and see how it goes??!

Take care of you

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Beth something I’d say about emdr is it Is SO hard but the memory we’ve worked on (pre Covid and Telehealth) no longer bothers me. During emdr you are taught safe spaces and functions before you begin the trauma work.

Whatever you decide I am sure if the right thing for you

@~Christina
Cheeto is still acting normal. He’s not hiding, which the vet said is a good sign as cats who are very ill and dying usually know they are and try to find a safe space to pass. I believe he’s still grooming excessively. But I’m really hoping it’s IBD. The vet will be able to advise me on how to manage that along with his urinary issues to hopefully get him eating and gaining weight again. Thanks for asking!

@BethRags
I hope your son recovers quickly. That’s exactly what it was for me, a bad head cold. I only went to get tested because I was more exhausted than I’ve ever been with just a cold.

As for trauma work, I suppose you’d have to decide how bad it is still affecting you. For me I’m learning that there’s certain things ingrained in me that will not change and picking the ones I’d like to be more comfortable with to deal with. For example, I would like to be able to enjoy my sons baby pictures and even be around other people’s babies/small children without getting panicky and dissociating. Whether emdr would help, I don’t know. But that’s what I’d like to work on. I agree with Christina’s idea of a pro/con list.

As for cutting down on therapy, I support that if that’s what you want, but I can totally understand being worried about telling your therapist. I would be afraid mine would take it as some sort of rejection, when in reality she’d probably be happy that I’ve come far enough to reduce sessions. Maybe your therapist would feel the same?