Bipolar check-in #60

I'm doing good today. I didnt sleep as good as the last 2 nights but I got enough sleep. I'm kind of hungry and I had 2 yogurts one being a Greek one so it had alot of protein. I also had a glass of chocolate milk. I get my shot tonight so I dont know if I'll get even hungrier. Right now all I can do is just keep up with the protein and low carbs and use distraction. I also have my daily pitcher of Lipton decaf iced tea in the fridge that I made this morning. But yeah today I'm doing good so far and I'm not stressing over current events or much of anything.

It's probably the placebo effect but I'm feeling a little better. Just the second day on Trintellix.

I still have anxiety attacks, but they're not as long.

I'll take whatever better feelings I can get.

I’m feeling a bit better today. I was able to pick up some medication that I hadn’t for several days. It gave me an opportunity to get some of my delicious raspberry tea. I sat out in the sun again today. I think that and increasing my Vraylar to every day is helping.

I have some fun things planned for this weekend. Tomorrow a Christmas concert and dinner with a friend. Sunday an event making ornaments for the home. I’m glad it’s finally here. It will be a nice change. I also have a drum circle, 2 more concerts and the Symphony’s Christmas to attend plus the family gals get together. Somewhere in there I’m going to sneak in a trip to see my daughter mid December. I’ve planned a wonderful month. I’ve lowered my expectations with SAD but it should still be awesome.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

My mom was *****ing at me and being crabby about how crowded Sams Club was at 1PM. I was telling her this morning at 9:30 to go as soon as they open. You have to get out as early as possible at this time of year even without who knows what the hell kinda virus is out there along with all those holiday crowds. But once again she didn't listen to me. When I die I want my tombstone to read "they never listened to me."

I'm getting my shot tonight so I can be on track to get my bloodwork on Monday. I have to get it done in a certain time frame according to when I got the shot last. Usually I'd have legit roid rage right now but I dont feel any type of anger about anything. Mild annoyance maybe. But not the full blown freak outs I'd get the last day before my shot.

Your plans sound wonderful. I especially like the making ornaments, that sounds fun.

I got my online glasses! The rainbow ones. The lenses are great, the reading section of the glasses is a little high so I have to keep my head down when I drive or watch TV but it’s ok. But I love the frames. Mum thinks they look a bit crazy. But I think they’re fun. 🤩 my other pair from a store are crystal clear and more for everyday. Next time I need glasses I’m definitely doing the online thing it’s 3x cheaper.

Still so furious. At everything. Mad all the way to work. Kid with broken foot came in and bowled over a classmate on his crutches, didn’t care, threw his crutches down, basic a-hole nonsense and I wanted to punch him straight in the face. Usually the students don’t get to me bc I have it in the back of my head that it’s not their fault, they’re learning acceptable behavior. Oh, but not today! I snapped at him for his rudeness. Thing is he couldn’t care less lol which is good because I won’t get in trouble.

THEN my son’s school called, ONCE AGAIN he’s been kicked out of school because of Covid exposure. And this time, since the state is in a high transmission level, he can’t go back at all until Dec 17. I was so mad, I was like how am I supposed to take two weeks off????

HR was useless, wouldn’t answer a simple question straight out, like wtf. But thankfully RS saved the day for me, he’s gonna take his last vacation days to let me go to work for at least a week. I’ll still miss a whole week but wtfever, nothing I can do.

I’m trying to calm down.

I have a totally new attitude today to the online romance i had in July: i'm happy that it happened! It WAS pretty terrific after all. It WAS intensely pleasurable. I am a pretty old lady (55) to be getting some romance. I'm going to stop being sad that it didn't last and that i ruined it and just be happy that it happened at all. It really made my year this year, definitely the high point.

A wave of rage washed over me the day before yesterday when the Christmas decorations were put up in the building. Christmas is such a difficult time for me, being alone and it doesn't help that each time i enter or exit the building i'm overwhelmed with reminders of the holidays.

I somewhat don't think it's really proper anyways as Christmas is a holiday belonging to only one culture and with our increasingly multi-cultural building it's not really sensitive. I certainly don't want MY condo fees going to fund a practice i don't support.

I wrote an email to that effect to our property manager but i didn't send it. I'm glad i didn't as i saw my neighbors for our coffee social yesterday and they were thrilled with the decorations and all my anger passed.

I'll probably get waves of rage as the month progresses but hopefully this was the worst of it. The anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the actual event for me, so the day will arrive and i will spend it quietly with my dog, happy to be avoiding all the family squabbles.

@Nammu:

Thanks for the info on the online glasses. I'm tired of getting ripped-off at the bricks-and-mortar optician. I don't have a medical plan so i foot the whole bill myself and i need two pairs so i've been paying a fortune to those heartless b@st@rds. I think fun frames are great, too. I have horn-rimmed chunky black plastic frames with sparkles on the corners! They are so distinctive an old friend recognized me in the mall the other day just from my glasses, despite my mask!

I got the shot. I'm not hungry. I was ok with just tuna for dinner. I think my soda really was zero instead of regular according to the scale. So I am super low on calories.

But I feel fine physically and I'm not even drowsy despite being up since before 4. My mood has dipped a bit but it could just be that its dark now.

I dont know. Sometimes going to bed on a basically empty stomach helps me sleep better. If I eat an actual dinner I don't sleep well. I just kinda feel like all the bullying and stuff and being really fat from the time I was 14 until I was like 22-23 just messed with me more then I or the people around me realize.

And when you have a super fat therapist whos the same age as you how do you even bring this topic up without offending her unintenionally.

I guess I'm feeling a bit nauseated right now from it.

Just a note about online glasses. You need to tell your eye doctor that your ordering online so they can give you the extra info to fill out the order. My eye dr was kind of dismissive of online glasses but said I’d need a dp( I think that’s what it was) number and wrote it on the prescription and I did need it.

I’m glad you are taking a new look at your romance. That’s an excellent way to think of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 It's probably the placebo effect but I'm feeling a little better. Just the second day on Trintellix. I still have anxiety attacks, but they're not as long. I'll take whatever better feelings I can get.

Isn't that the truth?!

I'm happy to hear that Trintellix is helping you. Is it an AP?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I got my online glasses! The rainbow ones. The lenses are great, the reading section of the glasses is a little high so I have to keep my head down when I drive or watch TV but it’s ok. But I love the frames. Mum thinks they look a bit crazy. But I think they’re fun. 🤩 my other pair from a store are crystal clear and more for everyday. Next time I need glasses I’m definitely doing the online thing it’s 3x cheaper.

Rainbow glasses sound so happy! I read that Elton John has started his own line of glasses frames. I hope some of those glasses have sequins and feathers on them My glasses are a nice champagne-tone. I'm fine with them, but I think they are a bit unexciting.

It's an SSRI, but it does something else with seratonin.

I picked my Part D plan tonight. Well I picked days ago but I made it official. I'm so nervous; I hate these changes and this time is extra frustrating because nobody is covering clozapine at a reasonable rate so I'll have to use goodrx or something. Or it will surprise me and run through at less than I'm expecting. But one good thing is that it looks like I don't have to use mail order anymore. I won't be sure until I try it but it looks possible.

I wish I knew how to be confident in the plan before I chose it. But it will be ok. It always has been and will be again.

I think I'm mixed. I'm so mad and sad. I slept 3 hours last night. Everyone thinks I'm mad at them. I'm not. I think they're doing stupidness but I'm not mad at them. I'm sad isolating. Finally brushed my hair after like almost a month not. Everything is a ****ing disaster and I'm trying to bring back some normalcy but no one's helping I feel like I'm drowning.

That is so cool 😎!

I’ve been through several hours of a stomach bug or food poisoning starting around 2:00 am. Truly awful. I’m feeing very shaky but I think I’m coming out of it. The maid was coming today to decorate for Christmas and clean house but that won’t happen now. Too bad. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to the Christmas concert tonight. We’ll see. Mood wise - I’m doing good. I just keep having these stomach bugs. I guess food poisoning is a stretch. I will be at the doctors office first thing Monday for that lab work and diagnostic testing that’s been ordered. I’ve got to get this figured out.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I'm doing good today. I slept ok. I'm so cold though to the point my fingers are numb and I'm having trouble typing. I'm fully dressed including a hoodie boots and a hat. My mom says I may be anemic from not eating enough. But I do eat though just little stuff throughout the day. I had a tamale at 4:30 this morning. Besides being cold I feel ok. I am a bit behind schedule on my valium and I just took one now so I hope it kicks in. I went to Walgreens to get some ghirardelli christmas candy. Luckily there were no creeps standing outside this time or I wouldnt have gone in. There was some guy though at Dunkin Donuts asking for cash the other day. Before I moved I only encountered one other person asking my mom for money and I was like 9.

But yeah today I'm cold and I think my anxiety is under control. Or getting under control at least.

I hope my therapist leaves the office or decides we arent a good match. Because I'm tired of going from therapist to therapist but if she wants to fire me on her own then thats fine. But I wont fire her. Its not just the age thing although thats a huge part of things but theres other little things that bug me about her that I cant seem to get past.

Basically she thinks shes funny but shes not. Except on wednesday when she had her covid meltdown. But she told me major life changing gender reassignment surgery "freaks her out" its just the small stuff like that that sometimes gets to me. Especially since being in therapy is a must to get this type of surgery done. I'd like to feel supported by her and not have her grossed out by me once I get it done because I would have a penis and she wouldnt be able to control her emotions about it.

But I feel overall more stable now then I have these last 2 years so I don't feel as needy as I did before with therapists.

One of my friends got me a Christmas gift. It has 3 really nice bars of different scented soaps and 3 different types of lip balm. Excited to use them. I have been struggling getting myself to shower/do self -care lately so this will be really helpful in motivating me!

I caught my cat unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper ughhh...she gets into everything lol She's been doing well though, enjoying her toys. She's sitting in my lap right now purring

My psychiatrist started me on Naltrexone to help me lose weight, because I'm already on wellbutrin and prescribed together it's the same as the brand name very expensive single combo pill of Naltrexone/welllbutrin called Contrave which is a weight loss medication.

I'm currently 162 lbs. Hoping to get out of the overweight category soon. I was 139 lbs but I gained weight on the abilify. Of course I'm also exercising and eating healthier. But hopefully this med will help manage the intense cravings/hunger that comes from my APs.

Good Saturday everyone

I have to take a shower then run some errands today. Hopefully, focusing on the errands will distract my mind from this relentless anxiety. I'm thinking I'll call my new and difficult pdoc's nurse to tell her about this anxiety. I don't think the Zoloft is doing anything in particular; maybe helping depression a bit. I doubt that one call will get through to the pdoc, so I'm prepared to call every day until something gets done. If she would just prescribe a low dose of Haldol I believe that would help, but she doesn't "like" the older AP's - just the newer ones that cause weight gain and ruin your health


The fog is out this morning. It's so beautiful, I wish it would stay foggy all day. The bright sunlight just makes me more anxious.

I found out that Santa Claus will be making the rounds around town in his sleigh in a few days. Turns out the route runs right past my apartment complex. I'm no fan of Santa (he kind-of creeps me out); still, it'll be fun to see the sleigh, hear the music, and such.

Well, I hope each of you has a peaceful day and night

I’ve been horrifically depressed since waking. Intrusive SH and SI complete with images. I have laid on the couch all day, with the exception of one hour of frenzied cleaning of 1/4 of the kitchen. From the counter to the stove and the island is spotless. I sat down with the intention of going back to finish the table, microwave stand, and floor but never made it.

I watched a little TV, community, but quit after the season one finale because the main character did something really annoying and creepy. I will go back because I like the show but not today.

RS has been gone since 8am on a side job with his friend. We were going to possibly go to a “family reunion” type dinner on his side, but I assume we’re not now since I haven’t heard from him. That would be fabulous, I wasn’t sure if I could manage it.

I feel extremely isolated and I just want to pour my heart out to someone but I am also convinced no one would want to hear about it because I’m such an awful person. And I’ve brought it on myself bc I’m convinced there’s too much wrong with me that no one could ever understand and would just think I’m crazy and a loser for letting it get to me.

I haven’t felt this intense hatred of myself in a long time, I’ve m been able to keep the thoughts separate from my true self and realize it’s just depression but I’m becoming more and more convinced it’s me because I have nothing to be upset about anymore.

This is a vistril kind of night. F the side effects that may happen because of it. I'm glad I gave it to my mom instead of tossing it out like I was going to do. I'm not S or thinking of any type of SH. I am just super anxious and I've had my 3 valium. Its possible health anxiety. Not about covid though. I don't know. One of my therapists said sometimes we're just anxious for no reason. The furnace is turned up so I am not freezing anymore.

My hair is falling out in small pieces and its a bit alarming. Hair loss is a side effect of my injections but I'd rather go gray then not have hair.

Edit: I took the vistril and my normal geodon. I ate a yogurt but so far I'm not feeling much better. I'm tired though. I wish I had a zofran but I dont. I may just stick with the yogurt for dinner and nothing else. It makes me a bit low on calories but its not a big deal.

I was hoping to get the energy to go through my storage rack I use for food. Its all neat and organized and stuff but I feel like I am borderline hoarding food and I could at least check out what I have and maybe get rid of some and consolidate other stuff. Its all in storage bins because of mice.

This anxiety sucks right now. I'd even allow myself a cheat night if it would help. But my stomach hurts.

I just took a benadryl for sleep. I wonder if that was a stupid idea because I just took vistril. Which is in the same family I think. I also took a valium because I got scared all of a suddden and theres my usual anxiety then theres me being nervous. But being scared is completly diffrent. I was thinking of aliens to be honest. Aliens scare the **** out of me and I've had a few restless nights because of scary thoughts about them.

I did laundry and swept and mopped the floors in the kitchen and bathroom today. I also met N3 for coffee and a chat. Then I went to my mom's to help decorate her new- artificial- tree. We had dinner- meatloaf.

Ended up not going to the tuba show. Got started at putting the ornaments on the tree. Really don’t know where the day goes. Can’t wait till the 21st when the days start getting longer.

I'm depressed to the point I'm no longer taking my meds. It started accidentally but it's day three and I'm having withdrawals but to scared to take it. I want to be thin again. I want Anna around. I'm lonely but withdrawn. I want to physically hurt. I know I have to take them. I need to be stable but I don't want to. I'm sure cold turkey off these meds are a horrible idea. But maybe because I'm in pain I don't care. I haven't even called to see if I have a new therapist since my last one quit. I'm taking it personal because I know I'm a difficult client. I'm having the maybe I'll be lucky and not wake. I'm safe though I spent to much money on myself to not use the things I bought.

Eta: took my meds and had to give them to h to control mismanagement