Bipolar check-in #60

My third night of tossing and turning. So when the alarm went off I just Turin off and rolled over. I didn’t get to finish my dream though and have no idea what it was all supposed to be about but then I usually don’t anyway. But I do feel better having just rested with my eyes closed. I confess I’m still exhausted though. Gotta drive mum to her clinic appointment so I’m all dressed and ready. Boy one of these nights I’m gonna sleep again that will be lovely.

I feel ok today. When I woke up I felt decent. When I woke up some more I felt kinda blah but not as bad as yesterday. Then I drank my first peppermint mocha iced latte of the year and I felt better and more alert. So I went with my mom to Target. I like Jif to go crunchy peanut butter but it’s not easy to find. I saw that Target had 6 boxes. So I went to buy those and to check out the weights. I had planned on buying all 6 boxes but they only had 3. Dumb online store inventory. So I got all the remaining boxes. Now the online inventory is saying 3 boxes are left. Lol. The weights were super expensive so I didn’t buy any. but I picked up the last tube of shortbread cookie Burts Bees lip balm. I didn’t see the gingerbread one that I had also wanted the other day. I had my mom go to the dollar store while I waited in the car to buy me a bag of pads because I am spotting onto my underwear now. My doctor got back to me just now and says this is all normal and part of the healing process but not to do put anything in there and he’ll see me at my appointment. As much as they are uncomfortable physically and mentally for me I hope he actually does an internal exam this time instead of the basic BS external exam he did last time.

But yeah I’m doing good today. In the past peppermint mocha iced lattes or coffee have driven my anxiety up the wall unlike with any other flavor. but today I’m not feeling much anxiety. Besides the not wanting to go into the dollar store to buy period pads. Which I think is kinda understandable.

My weight is heading in the right direction and it’s making me super happy. 25 pounds since last Thanksgiving. I have 22 more to lose to get to my goal. I feel like I’m in a good place now with my meds and my therapist and my doctors especially this new one I saw on Monday.

I don’t feel the greatest but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about really. My temp is only 98.8. My brother is real bad off though and my mom isn’t doing too well. Yeah I know going to Target was not the most PC thing but I was feeling pretty well earlier.

My moms temp is normal though. So now I’m wondering if my temp is surgery related? Ugh what mess.

I'm finally home. I got up way early for me lately. Went to see NP and all is well there. Then I went to Starbucks and talked on the phone a while. They didn't have the music on so I could actually hear!! Yippee! Then I went to a car parts place and got windshield wipers because my were worn out and they wouldn't wipe a section of the window right where it's most natural for me to see out! The guy who sold them to me couldn't figure out how to put the passenger side one on so he got someone else to come out. (Thank God!). This person refunded my card for the wiper that was the wrong one- hence why the first guy couldn't figure out how to put it on! So the second guy comes out with the RIGHT wiper -after he credited my card and charged me for the new one- and it was the RIGHT one! And after all that they cost me about $60! I hope they work well for $30 each! I did try them out before I left Auto Zone and they are a huge improvement over the worn out ones! Thank goodness that I got that money from the bipolar study or I'd be hurting!

I need to get new wipers too, but geez $60! I need to change the oil and get my car winterized. I need them to check the tires too. I hope they are fine cause nobody has a tire sale right now. My insurance is due soon too, I pay once a year then I can forget about it for a year. Maintenance is so expensive but it sure beats the alternative!

Yeah. I'm getting new tires and an oil change. My mom's husband is going to help me change it at their place so that's cheaper

Took brother to the emergency surgeon’s appointment - bottom line - another surgery with long recovery time. I hope that poor man doesn’t just say forget it and give up on life.

I’ve had some opportunities for social events last week and this but they were large groups and I can’t risk carrying the virus to my daughter who is not vaccinated. It’s too bad. Interesting stuff.

I worked things out with my therapist. We’ve agreed not to talk about my family. That was my request and wish. I’ve got other fish to fry.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

I’ve had these pants I ordered from H&M last winter before I moved. I got them when I was about 10 pounds heavier and they are just not getting any looser no matter how much I lose and finally today I was just like f it and unbuttoned them and unzipped them and I can finally breathe now. But what the **** is this The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants? Or maybe the opposite? The pants actually fit everyone in that book no matter their size.

Goodness! I wince every quarter when I pay mine. That’s smart getting it out of the way once a year.

I went for two runs today starting at like 3am (I brought a headlamp this time) and did some sprinting and a lot of walking. Just trying to cope with the agitation really. The chlorpromazine is helping a little bit but I'm still definitely mixed. My gf wants me to go to the hospital. No way. The nurse tht did my injection made make anappointment with my therapist so I did that but that's next week. I really hate my therapist with such passion. I want to do such destructive things to myself. I haven't eaten anything today. I put an Ensure in the fridge for later if I don't want dinner. I can't wait for January to come so I can talk to the neurologist. I'm getting my Nexplanon removed in a couple weeks too, the gynecologist I saw yesterday was super nice. The roads were a little icy this morning.

Moose you got me motivated. I ran to Walmart for wipers but they didn’t have the right size. Called the garage and have an appointment for an oil change and winterized exam.

Jennifer, I get a good discount for paying ahead for a year. It was hard at first to swing it but now it’s budgeted in.

Well, my visit went OK! She's a little kooky to be honest, but I liked her. She was kind, and didn't make me feel stupid for trying to establish a primary care provider but a bit pushy about some things. I don't guess she didn't pick up on the fact I didn't want to talk about why I am unemployed. She really pushed the issue and asked questions about living situation and my willingness to relocate etc. I didn't care for that, but it was OK. She apparently worked in addiction medicine for a few years and before that had a stint in psychiatric nursing. She saw my meds list and told me about her experiences with my particular meds. I asked her in general what are her thoughts on decreasing anxiety and she gave me some people to look into, and told me the best thing I can do is decrease stress in my life. Meds only do so much, but we gotta find ways to help ourselves. Overall, it was a nice visit.

1) She formally "diagnosed" me with migraines (which I find hilarious, I know only a doctor can diagnose-- but other than ruling out it being a secondary headache (which are rare) it's literally asking me about symptoms. I don't think i need a doctor to help me do that, but I get it..) and since the urgent care did give me meds, we will stick with that for now. If they get any worse or more frequent, she wants to try topamax. She also seemed rather concerned and unhappy with the fact I was given a nasal spray. I'm not sure why.

2) She did give me a prescription for gastric reflux so that really will be a money saver since my insurance will pay for it. Omeprazole isn't cheap! I'm glad she did that for me

3) She ordered some blood work. I got the labs online so I could look at them. She did a bunch of stuff -- CBC, TSH (thyroid hormone), CMP (metabolic panel -- looking at 14 different measurements to look at liver, kidney functions and nutrients) , Vitamin D, and Coronary Risk assessment (lipids/cholesterol). Nothing really surprising there. CBC shows I have anemia, and very low vitamin D (but we talked about this before the test -- most people are low on it as it is, the range for therapeutic levels is lowballing it, and people really do need more of the higher range but mine is well below the range so it's probably important I look at that), and my cholesterol isn't good -- but it's not alarming I don't think. The way I eat makes sense for those levels to be what they were. Technically I'm "borderline high" on cholesterol.


We will see how she interprets the results in a month. I am glad to have it over with though and the labs showing I´m generally OK. I feel better about the whole thing. She seems at least very personable and wanting to help me where she can.

That's great. I'm glad I spurred you on to car care.

I forget which med it was- probably zyprexa- that raised my cholesterol to the 700's!! I think it's normal as of last year but yeah- another reason to hate zyprexa!

Your temp is fine. They say a fever starts at 100.3.

I'm still feeling the same - low, but I'm getting by I guess.

I'm still waiting for an appointment for ketamine infusions. I'm reading about what to expect and educating myself about it. I'm kinda nervous about it because it makes you high during the infusion. I've only been high once when I tried marijuana one time and it didn't go well. I was very anxious.

I have a job interview on Friday. I'm only kind of looking for a new job. This one is about 800km from where I live but it's 100% remote, even after covid. I'm coasting along in my current job which is nice but there's no future in it. I've gone as far as I can go on my current job and this new one has a path to more advancement. The questions they ask during the interview will be very revealing.

I’m in between knowing I should very well stay home if I’m sick and then googling local restaurants. I’ve been here for what 7 months and I’ve still just mainly stuck to Sonic which is where I went to all the time before I moved, and also my favorite restaurant Longhorn. but there’s a lot of places I should check out. I’ve been to a couple breakfast spots and a couple lunch places. Everywhere else has been the same places I went to before I moved. There’s a local place back at my old place my mom said she’d take me when we’re there for thanksgiving.

So funny about the windsheild wipers. Mine were uselessly worn out, so I went to O'Reilly and bought 2 new wipers for $30 total. There was a friendly guy working and he installed the wipers for me.

I'm going on a diet when I get home. H is too. I'm getting bento boxes for our meals.

I am a little worried I'm having some kind of episode. I don't feel up at all but I have extremely uncharacteristically messed up my budget for the month and spent money in a very pressured way. I was buying Christmas gifts but also things I needed but I got quantities that didn't make sense and in general it looks bad on paper.

I'm also awake at 1:20 but that's normal for me. My pdoc added an extra dose of gabapenting at 11 pm but it's not doing much if anything. It's still fairly new so I'm still hoping it will work out. For now I took PRN klonopin which I hate doing, especially since my pdoc said under her breath that if this gabapentin doesn't work that she'll probably increase the klonopin. I've been slowly working on getting off it for a long time. (We keep decreasing the dose slightly and then someone in my family gets sick and dies and then I need to mourn and then I lower it again and someone else dies and we repeat.)

I also am doing something difficult and complicated in therapy and that may be part of the problem.

Plus I got my COVID booster and that could be causing all kinds of things. I spent yesterday sleeping and even slept all night from 11 on. Today I took a little nap but mostly was up.

I just don't know.

My patience and tolerance are on their last legs. I truly do wish, sometimes, that I could have a period of time to be the queen of my own universe. Since this pandemic started, and especially since moving, I feel too much like a dependent or almost a guest in my own "home". Piddly stuff adds to it all. For example, I feel like my husband is constantly in my way. I go to the vestibule to straighten up my shoes, and predictably he shows up and gets in my way so I can't do what I wanted. I have to literally leave, temporarily, to wait for him to get the heck out. Something similar happens in the kitchen. In my way, especially always blocking the trash. Or I'll be cooking and want to throw something in the trash to find he removed the trash bag and didn't replace it. Yea, maybe he meant well, but it's still a pain to me. Or I'll load the dishwasher (for the umpteenth time) and he'll arrive and put dirty junk in the sink. If I was a violent person, I'd like to literally push him out and lock the door for a while.

There might be a country-wide lock down again soon, where we're living. And possibly in other European countries. I mean, people just have to try harder to nip this by the bud. "Denying it away" or being cavalier is not going to work. Everyone must take precautions. Must! No more baloney about this! Please, please, please, please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. A strong resurgence could occur in the US, for sure.

A very nice woman we know here in CZ keeps bringing us potatoes that her mother grows. That's kind, but I confess it's overwhelming me. I like potatoes, but good grief! We put them all in our cold garage. They are not washed, so that will also help keep them long, but I told Hubby to tactfully find a way to tell her we have plenty. It's only Hubby and me eating them, for the most part. Hubby sort of refused to say anything. During our trip last weekend, I noticed what looked like a giant hill of rocks. It took a moment to realize they were potatoes in a field, dug up. Insane! It looked like this: potatoes-huge-pile-1200 - Spud Smart

I have to buy a ton of purple sweet potato’s while I’m out of state this Thanksgiving. I’ll have to get them from Whole Foods and I’m hoping they last for awhile. I’m not looking forward to spending $30 on potato’s but I love the purple kind and Whole Foods is the only place that carries them.

Good morning beautiful people! I’m up early but feeling good. I’m happy that all my appointments are over with little to no issue. It was eventful and productive. Therapy is going somewhere, something came out of my PCP visit and my psychiatrist (along with an appreciate quick follow-up next week to check on the new anxiety med). I am trying to find only reasons to call it a success. It all was anxiety provoking but it ended fine. So what is on the agenda for today you ask? Not a thing lol. It’s too dang cold to go walking or anything, but I may spend time studying. I may just take today to work on me. We’ll see how the day unfolds. After my lab results I feel guilty for being hungry and all I have is high fat, processed foods available. I guess I need to make a change in the grocery aisle in order to change my refrigerator :P. but I ain’t gonna let it stop me from eating mini corn dogs at 8AM lol (I eat what I’m hungry for. I don’t put a lot of emphasis on specific foods for specific meal times. I do breakfast-for-dinner a lot in my household.)

Here’s to hoping today is a good day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ... I've been slowly working on getting off it for a long time. (We keep decreasing the dose slightly and then someone in my family gets sick and dies and then I need to mourn and then I lower it again and someone else dies and we repeat.) ...

I totally hear you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My patience and tolerance are on their last legs. I truly do wish, sometimes, that I could have a period of time to be the queen of my own universe. Since this pandemic started, and especially since moving, I feel too much like a dependent or almost a guest in my own "home". Piddly stuff adds to it all. For example, I feel like my husband is constantly in my way. I go to the vestibule to straighten up my shoes, and predictably he shows up and gets in my way so I can't do what I wanted. I have to literally leave, temporarily, to wait for him to get the heck out. Something similar happens in the kitchen. In my way, especially always blocking the trash. Or I'll be cooking and want to throw something in the trash to find he removed the trash bag and didn't replace it. Yea, maybe he meant well, but it's still a pain to me. Or I'll load the dishwasher (for the umpteenth time) and he'll arrive and put dirty junk in the sink. If I was a violent person, I'd like to literally push him out and lock the door for a while. There might be a country-wide lock down again soon, where we're living. And possibly in other European countries. I mean, people just have to try harder to nip this by the bud. "Denying it away" or being cavalier is not going to work. Everyone must take precautions. Must! No more baloney about this! Please, please, please, please! Pretty please with a cherry on top. A strong resurgence could occur in the US, for sure. A very nice woman we know here in CZ keeps bringing us potatoes that her mother grows. That's kind, but I confess it's overwhelming me. I like potatoes, but good grief! We put them all in our cold garage. They are not washed, so that will also help keep them long, but I told Hubby to tactfully find a way to tell her we have plenty. It's only Hubby and me eating them, for the most part. Hubby sort of refused to say anything. During our trip last weekend, I noticed what looked like a giant hill of rocks. It took a moment to realize they were potatoes in a field, dug up. Insane! It looked like this: potatoes-huge-pile-1200 - Spud Smart

OMG those potatoes!!!

I take my car in for an oil change and top ups and tire checks and a general going over to get ready for winter. Got to take a book with me as they don’t have magazines and the tv is always on sports. I miss the garage in Texas, the played the HGTV channel and had a clean bright waiting area.