Bipolar check-in #60

2nd time this week the road's flooded. There's a drain between my driveway and the neighbor's that the town is supposed to keep clean but they never do (and neither do the neighbors when it floods their driveway worse than ours). It gets blocked in the fall from all the pine needles and leaves so the water just ponds. I caught it early this time but last time the water at the bottom of our driveway was 2ft deep. I was afraid of encountering Nessie.

I cried hard after my appointment. She made a bunch of suggestions and they would be great suggestions but I'm just not ready to recover. It took me forever to feel "done" with abusing drugs, but once I got there it was almost easy after the first week, sure I get urges here and there but I almost never have motivation to act on them. I am wired for self-destruction I'm; practically addicted to it.

Psychiatrist acted like she didn't have a clue who I was or why I was talking to her. I literally saw her earlier in the week. I didn't have a good experience. I'm left feeling unsure and uneasy. She wasn't really receptive to me. She told me to just stop taking it and see her in two weeks. Told me to up the lamictal a little until then. I hope it helps

I just was fb messaging with Christine about going to Oasis hot tub gardens next week. She sent me a voice recording back because she is at work and it was easier than typing. But yeah- one day next week we are going. I hope it's at least kind of chilly when we're there. The most popular times to go are at night when it's snowing on the weekend but we are going before 5 on a weekday because it is cheapest then.

Gah. I am soooo ready for this semester to be over. I just took a quiz for human behavior class and missed 2 I still have a quiz in quantitative statistics and research class and other things to write on my won for the research draft proposal. then I have a ten page family heritage paper to write. a 2 page paper on diversity, a response on a forum and a cultural immersion paper

Woke up with a headache today. I'm doing OK. Last night I had issues with that "unease" on a much lesser extent on and off throughout the evening. I hope that is mostly over. I feel alright today. I'm left regretting reaching out to my provider about the medicine, and I feel bad about sending an email about my insurance to my therapist. It all stems from issues I've had lately by doing what I thought was the appropriate and right thing, only to leave feeling like I did something wrong. I've been thinking (obsessing) over my meeting with the psychiatrist. She did her job, she told me to stop taking it and upped my other med in the time being. The fact she dismissed how badly it made me feel and when I told her my insecurities about withdrawals because of how bad it affected me, she told me to take half (after I explained thoroughly how awful the experience was and has been on every dosage), but resigned to "well just stop taking it then" she told me to go to the ER if I had problems. It just felt like she was annoyed I was even there, on top of the fact she acted as if she didn't know who I was or why I was even there. (I mean the clinic scheduled the appointment, I don't know what the ended up saying to her.)

The pharmacy jumped down my throat about being "responsible for my own medicine" when they were out of stock and I was just trying to make sure I didn't go without medicine.

The urgent care, despite calling and explaining my situation in detail, tells me to come in and they can help to be lectured and yelled at about how they can't help me with my problem and I need to find somewhere else to go.

My psychiatrist before this new one missed 3 appointments, and I felt it was appropriate to start with someone new. It wasn't schedule right for and she was rushed and pressured to see me, which made me feel like maybe I did something wrong.

I have always been told just don't stop medicine without consulting your prescriber. I reach out to only be treated like a stranger and coldly and told to do whatever I wanted to about it essentially.


It all just adds up to the feelings of reaching out is just wrong on my part. I have a lot of reservations now about a lot. I feel like I'm gonna be shutting down and just resigning to suffering. It's really unpleasant to have so many interactions colored this way. Also doesn't help I don't have social supports in place.

I'm really tired of just doing everything wrong. I feel like I don't even use the forum right and people don't really want me here (as stupid as that sounds). That one I know is a bit irrational and is birthed from my insecurities, but it's distressing none the less.

I think I'm taking a break for awhile. My issues mean nothing to anyone but me -- It's better I learn that now than to keep reaching out to get hurt.

Thanks for everything guys.

@WindsThatBlow

I understand the need to take a break. Just know that you are valued here and if and when you decide to return we will welcome you gladly.

Miserable and it’s freezing. It’s supposed to get warming briefly and then plummet back down to an overnight temp of 32F. This may be part of my recent malaise. I absolutely HATE winter. I hate the dark, I hate the cold, I hate snow, everything. The only thing I can take comfort in is according to projected models it will likely be like last winter which was fairly above average and only had one huge snowstorm.

I wouldn’t leave at all today but I’ve scheduled my son’s first Covid shot at 10am and then, even worse, I agreed to take him to get his iPad fixed/replaced. The apple store is in the mall. Like kill me now, the mall on a Saturday in the beginning of shopping season? If it had been in December that he cracked his screen I would have told him he’s SOL until January.

RS is out at his side job which he is very unhappy about. This side job is his regular one which generally needs him in the spring and fall. He’ll probably get asked to work for a couple more weeks and then be done until March/April.

I do have my pdoc appt on Wednesday. “Looking forward to it” I guess you can say. I’m over this mood roller coaster.

I’m so sorry that pdoc was so unfeeling. Her having a bad day or not is no reason to dismiss you and your experiences. Sometimes I think pdoc should have to try the meds they hand out so they can experience for themselves the reactions these drugs cause!

Yes! I've thought the same thing- they should have to try these drugs they prescribe.

I’m doing good today. Last night around 5:30 or so I started feeling sick. I felt like I had too many meds in my system. I didn’t take anything. Any melatonin or any Benadryl. I was a bit low on food though. But I just felt really sick and nauseated so I assumed it was because I do in fact have too much testosterone and other high blood levels in my system. So I asked my mom what I could do. I didn’t feel like eating a big meal. So she suggested I eat a bag of potato chips. She says that helps her when she’s nauseated. So I ate a mini bag of Lays. And it worked. I slept from 7:30-5:30 with zero sleep meds. So today and next Saturday I skip my testosterone shot so I can reset my body. So I’m hoping to feel better. Hopefully in the next few days. Right now I don’t feel too bad. I went to Dunkin’ Donuts to get a small coffee and as we pulled up to the window a Grub Hub driver came and picked up an order through the window. He just kinda reached around us and muttered some apology about how it’s the only way Dunkin will allow them to do it. He seemed really annoyed with Dunkin though. It wasn’t the one I usually go to.

But today I’m just going to hang out and watch some more Project Runway and just do nothing. My sister is coming over later in the afternoon for a bit.

My sister and brother in law are happy that they are now staying in the same hotel as us but they feel bad that 3 of us have to share one room now. I mean I honestly just felt like I was being a jerk to begin with. But I’m glad it’s working out.

I made an oops with my best friend today. I'm trying not to catastrophize but I truly think that was the last time he'll ever want to talk to me. My gf hasn't texted me in forever either but last we talked it was on good terms. I'm trying not to dwell on things, but boy do I need to learn to hold back my fiery tongue and not be driven 100% by emotional mind.

It's supposed to snow here this weekend! Meh!!

We were supposed to get more snow today but it’s just grey. Sitting here listening to the 70’s. But it’s mostly lightweight and disco, wish they’d play more rock’n roll.

I’m kind of dizzy and light headed. I don’t feel worked up about anything. I was in a decent mood actually all day. I’m sure it’s not a big deal. I just now took my Geodon. I didn’t take anything extra today and I just stuck to my 3 Valium. I skipped my injection like I am supposed to. I’ve eaten today and I’ve had plenty to drink and not much caffeine at all. But yeah I just feel kinda off right now. And my family is over and they are ignoring me for some reason. Which I don’t really get. I just gave them my hotel room. I got my Cub Scout popcorn. It’s in a mediumish size plastic tub and it has nutrition info on it so I can actually eat it. Ugh I feel like I’m about to have a lot of stomach issues but I don’t know how to and not have everyone in the house know. But yeah I just feel like I took a bunch of crap again when I haven’t done that in days. Delayed reactions don’t happen like a week after an incident I don’t think.

I mean I feel like my family can be a bit more understanding since I had my mom text them on Thursday about the stuff that was going on so they knew when I saw them next that I wasn’t acting disinterested because I’m being an asshole, it’s because I’m not feeling good for ****ing medical reasons? Like give me a frigging break.

My day really did not brighten. I caught myself being short with my son. I took deep breaths and reminded myself that he had done nothing worth getting angry about. It was typical annoyances that I was reacting to stronger than I should. It’s not his fault that I’m hypersensitive to sounds right now.

I took my time to really concentrate and fill out the vaccine form for him because my mind was so scrambled I felt like I would screw it up. Going to the mall wasn’t terrible, it was early yet so not too many people.

I didn’t leave the house after though. I knew I was too anxious to be in a store without RS, sad as that seems. Grocery shopping was 100% out of the question. And I wasn’t aware he was working two separate jobs so he didn’t get home until 5.

I broke down and took Xanax, the anxiety today is just awful. I’m about to take more. I laid around in bed for a couple of hours but that always makes me feel worse about myself so I made myself get up and organized the pantry like I’ve been trying to do for three weeks. At least it’s done and catalogued so now I can look at my list and know what’s in there so I don’t keep buying the same **** over and over. Eventually I have to do the same for the chest freezer because I suspect there is meat down there that I forgot about that can be used before I buy more. And I need to clear space for my thanksgiving turkey breast.

Now I’m back laying in bed and listening to sad music. My day has come full circle.

Ideally one med change is made at a time. You've had a lot going on and that's probably the problem. For example a few weeks ago I had a physical med change. So it took 4 days to come off the old med, 4 days to start the new one and then I waited 4 days before a psych med change so that my body wouldn't be overwhelmed and I would know what was causing what side effect.

I know you haven't had control over some of your changes and some you are trying to do fast but the combination of everything may be why you aren't feeling so good. My stomach gets upset any time my benzo dose is messed with without a very close change, for example.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien I made an oops with my best friend today. I'm trying not to catastrophize but I truly think that was the last time he'll ever want to talk to me. My gf hasn't texted me in forever either but last we talked it was on good terms. I'm trying not to dwell on things, but boy do I need to learn to hold back my fiery tongue and not be driven 100% by emotional mind.

Oooo...that was me before meds stabilized me. Yes, it caused problems, but sometimes I miss "me."

Good for you for taking your meds as prescribed! Don't worry too much about them thinking badly about your level of activity- YOU know you're doing what's right for your body and that's what matters most.

I hope no one here hurt you for reaching out.please don't go.
You are important just like every one else here, we are all grasping for support.peer support is best.some one here is a peer support person and they are trained.
perhaps you could find a peer support person?
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi I hope no one here hurt you for reaching out. ...

I certainly hope not.

I'm having so much difficulty expressing myself lately. It's happening in therapy, too. I feel detached from myself, which is not a common feeling for me. Perhaps I'm angry and repressing it. That's just a guess, though.

I feel like I've been a rollercoaster of mood swings the last few weeks. Up and down and up and down. I got really up this past week. I felt sped up. More mentally than physically. I was hypersexual for a few days. I was blowing my boyfriends phone up for sex and getting mega frustrated because I wasn't getting it. I also almost ordered a ton of stuff from the sex toy store but cancelled it out. I got to teach my bf about hypersexuality and hyposexuality with bipolar. He had no clue. It seemed to calm down after a few days. I only ever get it for a week or less usually.

Yesterday I did a thing and bought me a TV for my bedroom. I haven't had one in my bedroom for 10 years. I bought my son one for his too. He had broken his a couple years ago. He's been sleeping on the couch because he's one that needs to fall asleep to TV. He was giving me puppy dog eyes, so I told him he could have one too. They are Roku TVs. They sure have come down in price. Although I was mad when I found out Roku took the YouTube TV app off. I guess I'll have to keep watching it on my phone. If I actually paid for the service instead of using my boyfriend's account, I probably would have returned the TV. Now I know. I need to buy a new living room TV. That one will not be a Roku TV.

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My doctor told me to wait 2 weeks. But I couldn’t plus this time I used something. Which he told me I absolutely shouldn’t do. Now I’m bleeding and I’m hoping it just goes away if I just don’t do it again.

But last night my brother in law fixed up my work out station. They thanked me (through my mom) about the hotel room and said that yeah it made sense to do it that way even if the room situation will be tight. The popcorn is ok but does taste a bit like the Christmas tin stuff. I got some kernels.

I feel ok just kinda worried about that bleeding and going against the doctors orders.

I’m just hanging out today. My mom is doing some grocery shopping for me. She got her booster last week. Covid is bad where I am and it’s scary how people are just dropping like flies even with the vaccine. I’m worried with my health and not having my booster shot yet. And I don’t think I’m being unreasonable either. But anyways today I have noticed a difference between this Sunday and other Sundays the day after I usually get my shot. I’m a lot more relaxed and not all crazy angry and anxious. So I guess my doctor was right about what was causing my issues. I’m a bit more turned on then I usually am but it’s not like so crazy I can’t distract myself kinda turned on. Like it’s not The frustrating type I sometimes get. But I’m just hanging out today watching Project Runway. I’m watching season 4 which I got from the library because it’s like $80 on Amazon and it’s not on any streaming service. Before I transitioned I used to look like Christian Sirano the way he currently looks now. My therapist at the time and my mom said the same thing. I don’t know who I look like now. The way I dress and with my facial hair I often feel like a truck driver or Ben from that HGTV show.

But yeah I’ll admit it probably wasn’t the smartest idea this morning to go to Starbucks for an iced latte when my doctor just told me I’m at a high risk for a heart attack or a stroke. But I mean he didn’t tell me not to drink caffeine…

We got more snow last night but it’s melting even in the absence of sun. I hope the lawn service gets here and picks up all the dead leaves before another snowfall comes. They really need to do a better job.

Slept great last night. Cool dreams. Wanted to just snuggle down in bed and relive the dreams but Sir knew I was awake. He climbed on my head waiting for me to stick my hands out so he could pounce on them! To him hands are excellent service machines that pet him, scratch him, feed him, clean his box and do all kinds of good service. He’s very attached to hands 🙌. 😃