Bipolar check-in #60

Wow Jennifer what a great attitude you have. I many times let my feelings control me. Like this morning I didn’t “feel” like going to aqua fitness but there was nothing else stopping me. Way to go! I often say it’s just a feeling but then I give in to it. You are an inspiration!

I’m exhausted. My cat kept me up the entire night attacking my legs/feet under the blanket every time I moved them even a centimeter. Lol. oh well. I wasn’t likely to sleep anyway since I’m in the process of coming off Thorazine and perphenazine. She’s a little menace but I love her

I’m doing my Christmas shopping later today. All online. I think I picked out some nice things for my family and friends.

I might order a pizza later. I’m craving some pizza from domino’s. Yeah I think I will.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow (video appointment) I’m excited to show her my cat since she signed the paperwork so I could have an emotional support pet. She knows how much cats I’ve had in the past have helped my mental health and I had been without one for 2 years until I got Miss Mustachio 2 weeks ago.

My brain feels like it’s scrambled from lack of sleep.

I just panicked over omicron being found in the US. It was just now being reported and I took my prescribed anxiety meds and chugged 2 glasses of unsweetened decaf iced tea to calm myself. At least my hunger went away since I'm the opposite of a stress eater. Now I'll have to force myself to eat dinner. Before I was ravenous until I saw the news.

I dont think my topamax is helping my weight loss to be honest. Before I was on it the weight just melted off. This time I need to put in effort. Although I'm back on the vistril and its tough to lose weight on that even though it doesnt make me hungry. Unless thats the cause of my increased hunger and I just don't realize it. I'm hungry again though and I don't know why. I had a balanced breakfast, lunch, and afternoon snack.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I have an appointment tomorrow with my new med provider who has the personality of Nurse Ratchet. ...

Wow, your med provider must be my pdoc's twin. Nurse Ratchet. Yep.

It makes it dreadful doesn’t it? I don’t even want to do this tomorrow.

I woke up this morning at 4 am with an anxiety attack! What a pain.

My heart was racing, I was sweating, thoughts running all over the place. I ended up getting out of bed and waiting it out in front of my computer. Things got better around 6. I usually get up at 7 so there was no point in going back to bed.

I picked up my prescription today and take my first dose in the morning. Hopefully this helps the anxiety.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 It makes it dreadful doesn’t it? I don’t even want to do this tomorrow.

It sure does. I get so nervous about seeing my pdoc because it's a power struggle. Doesn't make for a healing relationship, that's for sure.

I hope your appointment tomorrow goes smoothly

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 I woke up this morning at 4 am with an anxiety attack! What a pain. My heart was racing, I was sweating, thoughts running all over the place. I ended up getting out of bed and waiting it out in front of my computer. Things got better around 6. I usually get up at 7 so there was no point in going back to bed. I picked up my prescription today and take my first dose in the morning. Hopefully this helps the anxiety.

Awakening with an anxiety attack is a mean, nasty thing. What is your prescription? I hope it is very helpful for you.

You inspired my dinner for today-- I went for pizza too

Hope everything goes well tomorrow with you and your appointment! I'm sure your psychiatrist will enjoy seeing Miss Mustachio!

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Been horribly tired today. It may be from the booster I guess. I've heard people say they have been affected that way.

I'm just OK I guess.

Thanks @BethRags.

The prescription is for Trintellix. I'm starting at just 10 mg but maybe it's enough.

I'm trying to keep busy but there's no denying in really really depressed. Our house is a disaster, our toilet is broken, the a/c is broken, our room is a mess.

I slept good last night for the second night in a row. My new OTC sleep meds have been helping a lot. My moods and anxiety are pretty good today. I think I've adjusted to being back on the testosterone and the lower dose is working and isnt ****ing with my mental health the way the high dose was. I have this insane hunger though and I dont know what its from. My topamax is kinda useless. I gave my mom my vistril to hold onto since that has been an issue in the past and this seemed to start around the time I started it. But my goal was to only use the vistril until I got used to being back on the testosterone and now that I am adjusted to it I guess I dont need the vistril anymore. But right now all I can do is continue to eat high protein stuff and chug unsweetened decaf iced tea until it gets under control. I just feel like Patrick from SpongeBob when Patrick orders some food and SpongeBob says "but you just ate 2 large orders of fried oyster skins."

I'm not dwelling on what happened in therapy yesterday. I have no patience for tomfoolery and it honestly was quite funny.

Thank you! It went well, I hope you enjoyed your pizza, I just got mine today

I was very tired too after the booster shot

Had a good appointment with my psychiatrist, showed her Miss Mustachio

She's adding Naltrexone to my Wellbutrin to help me lose weight, hopefully it's helpful and doesn't have any horrible side effects

All my other meds I'm staying on and doing fine on

I did all my Christmas shopping today. Excited for people to get their gifts!

Gotta get the tree up today. The ornaments will wait for another day but I’d like to get the tree up. Also on my to do list is making peanut butter bars with chocolate swirling on top. I was going to do that yesterday but I forgot to set the butter out. I put it out last night so I’m all set,, just need the motivation.

Everyone is complimentary on my wreath. The neighbor lady said not to be surprised if it disappeared. . She was kidding of course.

I’m so tickled about your wreath and all the cool things you’re doing!

I didn’t get my trash to the curb today. Silly as it seems, that’s my red flag that I’ve gone pretty low. It’s only happened 3-4 times now over the years. I canceled my appointment today (the one I need to see most) because I just couldn’t cope with it. I rescheduled for Monday. I sat out in the sun today for 1.5 hours on a 72F full sun day so maybe that will help. Tomorrow will be the same.

I’m slowly moving around and getting things done - mostly for mom but at least I’m moving. The only change I’ll make right now is to show myself some compassion instead of the usual critical banter when SAD hits. I have a few realistic goals for the day so upward and onward!

I hope every body has a peaceful day.

The tree is up. Man it is an easy one. My sister bought us a tree last year after Christmas sale. It’s got the lights on it already and is easy as pie to put up.

It took a lot of breaks but I got the peanut butter bars baking. With my back I can’t stand that long so I sit between ingredients and doing the mixing, but it gets done! Just slower paced. Now the bowls need washing up. One thing at a time. I’ve got my cat sleeping on my legs right now, so later. It’s not like I have to hurry.

I’ve been playing the cable station sounds of the seasons. I love the 1960’s and earlier but don’t care for the 2000+ songs. Did some googling and found out about auto tune. That must be the reason. You can nearly hear the voices of the 2000+ years songs. The 1950 songs have great voices that I can make out some words. But maybe just cause I grew up with the older song and I’m an old fart!

It's been a weird day. I really got my feelings hurt by someone who is more or less a stranger. Long story short, out of the blue I got a text from someone I used to talk to from a dating website. We met only once and they blew me off all the time, but texted me quite a bit. They said it was because they were shy. Well, I realized that something wasn't right and kinda gave up on it. (Plus, I was just trying to get my life a jump start, i wasn't looking for serious... just something since my divorce to make me feel I could perhaps move on.. so it didn't really matter. This person wasn't someone I even knew that well or had feelings for, but was the closest I came to hanging out or being a little more open with).

Well, talk about sleaze. The type of sleaze so thick you can cut it with a knife. This person has someone else, and they want me to be the side piece because said person thinks about me sometimes (but it has to be a secret cause the other one is kinda jealous). Oh, and I asked exactly why are you thinking about me now? You wouldn't give me a chance before. "Well, I just didn't like that you're older than me and don't have a job." .... the jerk being a jerk isn't surprising.. I AM surprised people are so open about being such disgusting people... but to be told outright I wasn't good enough because I'm not 20 something and working currently. Those are two things I have little control over right now. Age I can't control at all and working is not something I can handle as of yet. The world really does see me as a chore, in any respect -- friend, lover... it doesn't even matter. It really hurt my feelings I guess. It hurt even more to realize I have nothing to offer anyone else. Even if I am not trying to use someone for their money or other assets.. no one is going to see a catch in me.

I have therapy tomorrow, I don't know how that will go. I haven't kept up with my diary or homework. If she yells at me, I'll deserve it. I really didn't do my end of the bargain this week. Oh well.

Next week I see my psychiatrist to update her on the vraylar and talk about ADHD medications and how to go about that. After some extensive reading, I can get on board with the idea of ADHD. The title itself is a disservice because I dismissed it because I thought "attention deficit" would mean inability to concentrate, at all, ever, or very limited. But I experience just the opposite a lot.. I delve into things very deep and hyperfocus. Which, to my surprise, is another thing associated with ADHD. I have the other symptoms too -- restlesness, starting 100000 projects and never finishing one in a short about of time. The amount of tabs on wikipedia I have open at any given moment is ridiculous. I'll be on there to read about X and end up with 15 tabs on subjects that seemed interesting based on links in that article. lol

Anyway, I'm just saying as far as the diagnosis of ADHD, i was a little skeptical, but if medicines can help, I'm willing to give it a try. Stimulants are luckily short lasting anyway -- if I don't like how i feel with them, I can stop taking them and not have to titrate or worry about side effects. We'll see where we go with that.

My mood is better than before. I am just OK, though. Latuda (when it didn't make me feel awful) made me feel great. I've been lucky and Vraylar hasn't cause any real issues side-effects wise but I don't have the same good feeling from Latuda. I'll see how that goes. I don't want to just up the dosage because this is much better than the depressions I've been in but not as good as where Latuda put me. We don't even know if that's a natural high.

Besides -- I'm doing all this work for what? To grow old and contemplate drawing SSI. The world has already accepted I deserve nothing less than misery, I might as well stop fighting it.

So I didn't take any topamax today. And I didnt take any vistril. And my hunger was fine all day. So idk why the topamax backfired like that and increased my hunger instead. I know those gummy melatoins can sometimes suck too for hunger. My anxiety is a bit tough right now but I havent taken my usual geodon yet. I took my sleep meds already. I ate a purple mashed sweet potato for dinner that looked like dark purple playdough.

I have some song stuck in my head but all I can think of is the words "we're in the navy." I thought it was maybe an old war song from the 40's but my mom said the only thing she can think of is some song from The Villiage People.

My therapist thinks showering every other day is gross. Maybe for her because shes so obese. Seriously shes my age and its just so unhealthy to be that overweight when your not even 30. My transference T called me fat phobic. I dont know if she was telling me I have a fear of gaining weight or a fear of fat people or she was just telling
me that I'm an asshole. I dont know. I know the show my 600 pound life makes me want to barf when its on. I had on it on at the hotel for an hour a couple weeks ago thinking the season premire of a show I kinda am kinda not was going to be on but it was on the other night.

I'm trying to get my mom to take my morbidly obese brother to the doctor for a physical and labs. He hasnt gone in years. I told her if he has a heart attack and dies they are going to ask her why he never went to the doctors for his annual physical and my mom could get into legal trouble.

@WindsThatBlow I have more than 15 tabs open on my laptop right now. My friend used to have probably 100 open at any one time! I don't think we have/had ADHD. And I get SSI and I'm not dating. I'm certainly no financial catch that's for sure.

@WindsThatBlow I have more than 15 tabs open on my laptop right now. My friend used to have probably 100 open at any one time! I don't think we have/had ADHD. And I get SSI and I'm not dating. I'm certainly no financial catch that's for sure.

I don’t even know wtf my problem is anymore. For real. Yesterday I went from too depressed to even go to work, which hasn’t happened to me in almost three years, to absolutely out of my mind with energy and happiness by nightfall. This morning, I was agitated. I got to work, perfectly fine all day. Left work for my therapy appt, pissy trash by the time I got home.

I finished therapy and watched TV for a little while, made myself dinner (btw I only ate Frosted Flakes and 2 cups of goldfish all day due to leaving my lunch at home), and then like…raged. I needed to sort out my deliveries because some were for me, there were presents for my son and my niece somewhere, and kitchen utensils. All in like 8 packages/boxes bc target sent them all out separately??? I don’t get it.

Anyway I don’t have a box cutter for SH reasons, it would be too triggering, so I use a steak knife which I realize isn’t very safe but I GENERALLY don’t want to use it against myself. Except today I was ready to hurt myself, stab the walls, whatever I could get my hands on. I saw so many things I needed/wanted to do around the house but I couldn’t complete any because then I would see something else. I did manage to sort the packages and clean up my bedroom (every little thing on the floor that caught my eye made me mad so I threw it out).

I just HATE this I HATE how messed up I am and it’s not even bipolar, that’s whatever, but I’m SO TIRED of taking meds that are NOT WORKING and I just want to throw all of them out right now. I just think about one thing that’s wrong in my head or personality, like ok I should work on that, but then there’s another, and another, and another, so wtf should I work on first???? I feel like I will NEVER get out of this meds or not so why not throw them out the f’ing window right tf now.

But I can’t, because my life is a nightmare without anything, a much worse nightmare than right now, but I can’t even tell where bipolar ends and just general f’ed upness starts!!! Like am I mad at my mom? My ex husband? My life before RS? I’m most mad at myself for even BEING mad about that **** because it’s OVER MOVE TF ON.

I haven’t been taking night seroquel because I deserve to stay up all night staring at the ceiling and stewing and thinking about what an awful person I am.

F IT.

His life his choices.