Bipolar check-in #61

My pdoc appointment is in March. We had been planning a trip to the old area in the next few months. I asked my mom if we could plan It for march so I could do an in person session with him instead of remote.

I'm not sure if that will help me out with these feelings I still have or if it will just open up old wounds.

I forgot to mention. My cat’s ultrasound was inconclusive. The vet (a different vet, the original is on vacation this week) emphasized that his spleen is enlarged. She said it could be an infection or, again, cancer. She ordered a bartonella test as he recently had fleas (they both did, really terrible infestation, took us two months to even get ahold of it). Said the original vet should have done that first. She ordered a urine culture because his bladder walls are thickened and there’s “debris” floating around, but all that would really prove is he has lower urinary tract disease which I’m already aware of because he had surgery for it two years ago. He’s on a urinary diet to prevent the crystals from becoming too big to pass.

She really emphasized cancer though. At first I didn’t agree, but I’m not sure now. Before the vet he was acting the same, bright eyed and everything, but now…I don’t know. He seems increasingly lethargic. His eyes look hooded, like he’s too tired to open them all the way, and he’s not reacting to pets and scratches as enthusiastically. He is not hiding, being quite affectionate as always, but maybe that’s because he knows he isn’t going to last much longer? Maybe he’s seeking comfort, or knows me so well he knows I’ll need comfort. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws here.

I’ll be just devastated if he passes so soon, he’s not even six. He’s one of my favorite cats I’ve ever had. Never so much as a hiss out of him his whole life. But cats can’t last forever, I suppose. I would not be interested in another cat, not right away at least. I still have my other cat. She is good natured as well but not nearly as affectionate. Rarely comes over for pets. Hardly ever sits on my lap. No, Cheeto’s my buddy. I just hope if it is cancer I find out soon so I can prepare myself and give him palliative care. I don’t want him to be in too much pain.

Sigh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My pdoc appointment is in March. We had been planning a trip to the old area in the next few months. I asked my mom if we could plan It for march so I could do an in person session with him instead of remote. I'm not sure if that will help me out with these feelings I still have or if it will just open up old wounds.

Hi Md - I've been paying attention and the hydroxizine doesn't seem to stimulate my appetite. But it doesn't do anything. Doesn't make me sleepy, doesn't decrease my anxiety. I've stopped taking it.

I had an appointment with my tele-pdoc, the one who has a manner like Judge Judy. She increased the Zoloft to 200mg, dropped the Visteril because it's not doing anything, and is putting me on a high dose of Gabapentin (for the severe anxiety). Hope, hope, hope.

I'm annoyed with my husband because he's searching every drug store and grocery store in town for a certain type of toothbrush. I found exactly what he wants on Amazon, but he insisted on going to three more stores. Ridiculous, because they won't have his desired toothbrush. I told him not to come over tonight. I'm going to watch Netflix...Versailles (I love it!).

all around~

**** Bipolar. **** Schizophrenia. **** SZA. I give up. I'm digging a hole and sitting in it until further notice. I've ruined us financially and I want to continue to spend. I'm isolated because they're watching **** that can trigger unrealistic thoughts. So I'm here with my loud *** headphones not even capable of playing the sims. I'm Sick of seeing little things that neurotypical people don't struggle with as accomplishments. I was suppose to be someone.

You are someone. You are Miguel's Mom. You are a loving wife. You are a caring person who just has an illness that needs consistent treatment. You are many other things. With your shot and meds in your system I imagine you'll feel better soon.

WildFlower, is he an orange cat? I'm guessing from the name.
I love orange cats. I've had 2. I think they have the best personalities. I had 2. Both of them were so sweet and loving.

Now I have a calico and she has her own unique and sweet personality that was overshadowed by her orange brother while he was alive but which has blossomed since he died. Which was horrible but he had serious health problems and no need to suffer more than he already had.

I hope Cheeto improves after getting the smell of vet off of himself and the memory out of his mind.

Just getting over a ridiculous cold

I'm relieved that we're not going anywhere for New Years. I have a nice dinner planned for just Hubby and me, and we're both feeling quite relaxed. I think we'll just rent a movie on Netflix. I have been eating too much at night, lately. I'd take my evening meds even later, but I worry I'd sleep even later into the morning. I haven't clocked it, but my guess is that I've been clocking 10 hours each night. Maybe I should set my alarm clock, just to get going earlier. The next time I see my psychiatrist I'll ask for my Seroquel XR to be lowered.

We've been struggling to get me registered for the third covid booster. We're eligible for it in January. Again, my family name discrepancy is to blame since my first shot was before I had insurance coverage. The second was easy, but the third is handled differently. Hubby had no problem for himself. Bureaucracy!

I hope the gabapentin helps you with the anxiety. I know it is prescribed to many for it, so it must have good efficacy for that.

I imagine you've tried a good number of medications over the years. Have you ever tried Abilify (aripiprizole)? I once found that on a list of antipsychotics that are often helpful for anxiety and depression. The others are ones I'd assume you'd not like so much because of high incidence of weight gain. Abilify was completely weight neutral for me, but didn't work out for other reasons. Some swear by it.

@BeyondtheRainbow
He is indeed an orange cat and a big fluff ball , he’s a domestic long hair. Ash is a short hair tabby cat. They both have chronic health problems that I wonder are if they were both barn cat kittens. I got them young but still, who knows. I used to think they were from the same litter but they are so different in appearance I don’t think so anymore. There were two litters there that day. Ash has a bit of Siamese in her as well, she’s got beautiful blue eyes.

But Cheeto has (at least) urinary disease and ash has chronic asthma and bad knees. Her asthma is usually not too bad, she sometimes needs to go on a short course of steroids to calm lung inflammation but so far she doesn’t need nebulizer treatments. If I pet her to calm her down during an attack she almost always comes out of it in a few seconds.

Cheeto actually looks a bit better today. We’ll see how the day goes.

The storms that came through my state last night were severe but thankfully no tornados. I was jolted awake several times and just watched the sky light up and heard the wind howl from my darkened room. It was unnerving as we have a history of tornados. Since that Easter tornado passed by our house a few years ago, severe storms scare me.

I feel disenchanted and cynical this morning. Could be a few things: my daughter leaving, COVID is surging here, post holiday blues. I don’t know but I don’t like it. Life is a gift and a miracle. I’d like the mindset to match. I’ll work on it.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

My husband has been a bit depressed for a while. I'm not, but sort of coasting on "so-so". I can't get him out of depression. He has to work a bit, himself. He takes old Wellbutrin leftover from his pdoc in the US. I've encouraged him to find a pdoc and maybe even a therapist here in CZ, but he puts it off. I even talked to his sister about his depression. His productivity is far lower than mine. What gets me is when he says he'll do something like load the dishwasher, but then hours later when I want to cook, it wasn't done. I end up doing almost 100% of the housework and cooking. I make him espresso in the afternoon. When I get water for myself I usually ask him if he wants some. On the occasion he gets his own drink, he almost never asks me if I want one. In his defense, he does pay the bills and does the driving (which we do little of), but that's it..that I don't also do. The rest of the time he's sleeping, in the bathroom, or on his phone texting his friend from the US. We watch a little TV together in the evenings. When he worked a job, I totally understood me trying to do the lion's portion of everything else (save the bills), but he hasn't worked since a while before we moved. He's had some offers from his friend, but he doesn't accept. I would even be happy to help him with such work, as I can.

I don't know why it made me so hungry. But I had to stop it because of the hunger and yeah Its useless when it comes to anxiety and pretry much everything else.

I did have one diffrent generic of Visteriel that worked pretty well and didnt cause hunger. I was on it I think when I switched from the Walmart pharamacy to the Walgreens pharamcy in early 2020. It helped my anxiety a lot I just couldnt lose weight on it. I didnt realize that was why I wasnt losing weight until I had my surgery in October 2020 and I stopped the visteril because I was worried about mixing it with opiates. Then my weight started dropping and I googled it and saw that other people couldnt lose weight on it either no matter how hard they tried.

This generic version I have in my new state is useless and causes hunger. I dont understand how there can be genrics that cause diffrent side effects despite being the same med.

I feel so much better after having the 20mil Geodon back in my system. I slept so good last night for the first time in about a week. We kind of have decided to go to my old state in March to so I can have an in person pdoc appointment. It will be interesting seeing him. I'm not sure how I'll feel afterwards.

I went out this morning to a few grocery stores. I stopped at Binnys and got this box of canned alcohol free wine type thing. I've had some alcohol free wine but that was in 2014. Now there is such a huge variety in general of alcohol free products. I didn't look as much as I wanted to. My mom was buying and I didnt want to have to pull out my ID because I was worried there would be issues. Honesetly until I get a new ID which means changing my gender its probably wise to stick with my mom while I'm out in general.

We stopped at 5 Below and they have a nice selection on weights and other workout equipment. I doubt the stuff will be there much longer but I got everything I needed.

We stopped at my sisters to feed her cats they are at my brother in laws parents house. The state of my sisters house makes me really sad. It was a complete mess. It looks like they are hoarders. The basement is a nightmare. They have so much stuff and none of it is organized. They didnt even do the dishes before they left. It really is quite concerning and probably more so to my mom who already has the stress of my brother and I to deal with. They are trying to move to a bigger house but I don't even know where they would begin.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I forgot to mention. My cat’s ultrasound was inconclusive. The vet (a different vet, the original is on vacation this week) emphasized that his spleen is enlarged. She said it could be an infection or, again, cancer. She ordered a bartonella test as he recently had fleas (they both did, really terrible infestation, took us two months to even get ahold of it). Said the original vet should have done that first. She ordered a urine culture because his bladder walls are thickened and there’s “debris” floating around, but all that would really prove is he has lower urinary tract disease which I’m already aware of because he had surgery for it two years ago. He’s on a urinary diet to prevent the crystals from becoming too big to pass. She really emphasized cancer though. At first I didn’t agree, but I’m not sure now. Before the vet he was acting the same, bright eyed and everything, but now…I don’t know. He seems increasingly lethargic. His eyes look hooded, like he’s too tired to open them all the way, and he’s not reacting to pets and scratches as enthusiastically. He is not hiding, being quite affectionate as always, but maybe that’s because he knows he isn’t going to last much longer? Maybe he’s seeking comfort, or knows me so well he knows I’ll need comfort. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws here. I’ll be just devastated if he passes so soon, he’s not even six. He’s one of my favorite cats I’ve ever had. Never so much as a hiss out of him his whole life. But cats can’t last forever, I suppose. I would not be interested in another cat, not right away at least. I still have my other cat. She is good natured as well but not nearly as affectionate. Rarely comes over for pets. Hardly ever sits on my lap. No, Cheeto’s my buddy. I just hope if it is cancer I find out soon so I can prepare myself and give him palliative care. I don’t want him to be in too much pain. Sigh.

I'm sending love to you and to Cheeto

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom **** Bipolar. **** Schizophrenia. **** SZA. I give up. I'm digging a hole and sitting in it until further notice. I've ruined us financially and I want to continue to spend. I'm isolated because they're watching **** that can trigger unrealistic thoughts. So I'm here with my loud *** headphones not even capable of playing the sims. I'm Sick of seeing little things that neurotypical people don't struggle with as accomplishments. I was suppose to be someone.

to you. I know...it hurts. Mental illness is shite.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I hope the gabapentin helps you with the anxiety. I know it is prescribed to many for it, so it must have good efficacy for that. I imagine you've tried a good number of medications over the years. Have you ever tried Abilify (aripiprizole)? I once found that on a list of antipsychotics that are often helpful for anxiety and depression. The others are ones I'd assume you'd not like so much because of high incidence of weight gain. Abilify was completely weight neutral for me, but didn't work out for other reasons. Some swear by it.

Thank you so much, Soupe.

Yes, I've been on Abilify. No benefit, just terribly uncomfortable akethesia. I've been on so many meds over the years it's rather pathetic. It's a wonder I don't rattle when I walk. But, some do work...so here's to hoping!

I took a half pill more last night and got 7 hours! Does that mean if I take a whole pill more I’ll get 14? Lol. I’ll never find out cause my normal dose that the doc gives me is twice the recommended dose for men. So it’s too far out of my comfort zone. But nonetheless I got some good sleep and a good dream 😴 so I’ll take it. Felt so good I did errands. Picked up books at the library, stopped by the bank and picked up snacks for New Year’s Eve. Trisquit, cheese whiz and black olives for a snack. 5 boxes of cereal, that should lady mum though winter.

I was on gabapentin several years ago and I remember it worked well for my anxiety. It made me dizzy in the beginning but that passed after a week or so. It starts to work quickly so you should know how it is for you pretty soon.

Only problem I remember was that I was taking 3 pills 3 times a day.

My mom wants me to go to immediate care to get this pain and other stuff checked out. I've tried dealing with it with my meds and other coping skills because I just think its anxiety. The pain is mostly a night time thing but I haven't been able to eat much for 2 days and I don't know if its just getting off those 3 meds or what. My mom says I should go tomorrow. I just hate to go if it is just my anxiety because health care places need to focus on covid right now. Not some guy with a stomach ache. I see my primary in 2 weeks. I don't have a fever. Maybe I'll try to wait until it gets real bad or until my doctors appointment.

My mom was in a slight accident today. No damgage to her car. She was at her doctors office. But the lady who hit her was rattled and the front of her car was banged up but thats not where she hit my mom. The security guard said it was the ladys fault and said the lady was acting strange. They exchanged insurance cards and my mom spent a long time on the phone with her insurance agent this afternoon. But I guess everything is ok. At least with my mom.

My brother is acting strange and the state of my sisters house has me worried. Maybe it is just nerves? Not sure why I was peeing neon yellow the other day though.

My Amazon stuff is stressing me out too. I cant figure out whats going on with it. I have 2 orders that seem so screwed up in so many ways plus 2 other Amazon issues I'm hoping will just go away if I ignore them.

I've needed my oral fixation coping skills 4 nights in a row and I wasn't using them at all for awhile. Thats how stressed I am.

My gatorade water bottle is helping my anxiety. The water is not helping my stomach. Dumb catch 22.

There's just too much going on for me to justify staying here.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 I was on gabapentin several years ago and I remember it worked well for my anxiety. It made me dizzy in the beginning but that passed after a week or so. It starts to work quickly so you should know how it is for you pretty soon. Only problem I remember was that I was taking 3 pills 3 times a day.

Thank you for letting me know! Yeah, I'll be taking 3 pills/day. I just have to remember the afternoon dose.

Gabapentin really helps me. I only take it at night and PRN although I have 2 doses at night; one with my other meds at 8:30 and another 200 mg at 11 pm because I was getting anxious and not able to sleep. Right now this is working very well for me. I don't take it in the day because I'm not good at remembering meds aside from night or early morning (and now that 11 pm dose). Combined with clozapine I really am better off with anxiety than I ever knew was possible. I hope you get the same result.