Bipolar check-in #61

I forgot to mention. My cat’s ultrasound was inconclusive. The vet (a different vet, the original is on vacation this week) emphasized that his spleen is enlarged. She said it could be an infection or, again, cancer. She ordered a bartonella test as he recently had fleas (they both did, really terrible infestation, took us two months to even get ahold of it). Said the original vet should have done that first. She ordered a urine culture because his bladder walls are thickened and there’s “debris” floating around, but all that would really prove is he has lower urinary tract disease which I’m already aware of because he had surgery for it two years ago. He’s on a urinary diet to prevent the crystals from becoming too big to pass.

She really emphasized cancer though. At first I didn’t agree, but I’m not sure now. Before the vet he was acting the same, bright eyed and everything, but now…I don’t know. He seems increasingly lethargic. His eyes look hooded, like he’s too tired to open them all the way, and he’s not reacting to pets and scratches as enthusiastically. He is not hiding, being quite affectionate as always, but maybe that’s because he knows he isn’t going to last much longer? Maybe he’s seeking comfort, or knows me so well he knows I’ll need comfort. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws here.

I’ll be just devastated if he passes so soon, he’s not even six. He’s one of my favorite cats I’ve ever had. Never so much as a hiss out of him his whole life. But cats can’t last forever, I suppose. I would not be interested in another cat, not right away at least. I still have my other cat. She is good natured as well but not nearly as affectionate. Rarely comes over for pets. Hardly ever sits on my lap. No, Cheeto’s my buddy. I just hope if it is cancer I find out soon so I can prepare myself and give him palliative care. I don’t want him to be in too much pain.

Sigh.

The storms that came through my state last night were severe but thankfully no tornados. I was jolted awake several times and just watched the sky light up and heard the wind howl from my darkened room. It was unnerving as we have a history of tornados. Since that Easter tornado passed by our house a few years ago, severe storms scare me.

I feel disenchanted and cynical this morning. Could be a few things: my daughter leaving, COVID is surging here, post holiday blues. I don’t know but I don’t like it. Life is a gift and a miracle. I’d like the mindset to match. I’ll work on it.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

My husband has been a bit depressed for a while. I'm not, but sort of coasting on "so-so". I can't get him out of depression. He has to work a bit, himself. He takes old Wellbutrin leftover from his pdoc in the US. I've encouraged him to find a pdoc and maybe even a therapist here in CZ, but he puts it off. I even talked to his sister about his depression. His productivity is far lower than mine. What gets me is when he says he'll do something like load the dishwasher, but then hours later when I want to cook, it wasn't done. I end up doing almost 100% of the housework and cooking. I make him espresso in the afternoon. When I get water for myself I usually ask him if he wants some. On the occasion he gets his own drink, he almost never asks me if I want one. In his defense, he does pay the bills and does the driving (which we do little of), but that's it..that I don't also do. The rest of the time he's sleeping, in the bathroom, or on his phone texting his friend from the US. We watch a little TV together in the evenings. When he worked a job, I totally understood me trying to do the lion's portion of everything else (save the bills), but he hasn't worked since a while before we moved. He's had some offers from his friend, but he doesn't accept. I would even be happy to help him with such work, as I can.

My SIL just told me she tested positive for Covid today. I kind of figured one of them might, the omicron is SO contagious and punches through vaccines, and she has a huge family that she gathered with on Christmas Eve AND Christmas. I bet some of them turn up positive too. I’m just worried for my niece, she’s only 4 so she’s not vaccinated. I’m also worried for my grandma; she’s vaccinated and boosted but also 84, so who knows. If anything could take her out it would be this. She’s healthy for her age though.

I was sick with anxiety again today, I had to take my PRN before I could even think about leaving the house. I decided in desperation to start the vraylar again…maybe if I snack on low calorie foods like carrots and other vegetables I won’t gain too much weight even if I get super hungry. I mean I wasn’t craving unhealthy foods like with other meds, just hungry way too often. I have to wonder if that particular effect will wear off after a few weeks. Zyprexa was not worth the wait, and the med that caused the massive weight gain in the first place messed with my hormones, that’s what made me binge on unhealthy food. Maybe I can control vraylar long enough to see possible benefits and adjust enough to maybe not be as hungry all the time.

I was up until 1am again last night though it didn’t bother me as much. I wasn’t frustrated. Just kind of hung out with my thoughts, which weren’t too dark. I did forget to pick up my prescription but I will go as soon as they open tomorrow seeing as it’s a holiday and they’ll probably close even sooner than normal.

I’m deeply depressed today and feeling hopeless. I’ve been using my sunlamp and taking my medicine as prescribed. WTH? 2021 was tough and stressful. 2022 doesn’t look any better from where I stand today. As I always do though, I will overcome this.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year’s Eve and Day.