Bipolar check-in #61

This URI we both have is brutal. Cough cough wheeze wheeze. Zero energy.

As I sit and think back over the Year there was lots of bad stuff especially my attempt in September but I also see many good things. I’m going to try like hell to keep those in my mind.

I have hope that 2022 will be a good year overall. I start this year with actively watching for the good and finding gratitude no matter how small it is.

Happy New Year everyone

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N3 finally made his appointment for his vaccine booster and he skipped it! Then when I went to see why he wasn't answering me he shut the door in my face! Then he had the gaul to call to tell me that Betty White died- no apology whatsoever!

It's so good to read all of your updates. As for me, last night was the first dose of Gabapentin (for the terrible anxiety that's been especially severe since summer). I probably won't know for sure until I wake up tomorrow morning, but so far I actually feel calmer. I don't have the anxiety/panic sitting in my chest...it feels relaxed. Fingers and toes crossed! Prayers said!

Years ago my husband and I used to go to friends' houses for New Year's Eve, it was such fun. Play games or watch a movie and a glass of champagne at midnight. But for the past many years I don't do anything special. I don't want to force myself to stay up until midnight, so the kitties and I will be in bed at the usual time. I did buy 2 macarons as a treat...a raspberry (bright pink) and a pistachio (pastel green). I wish I was a noble celebrating the new year in a palace at a court party in oh, maybe 1700. Wouldn't that be elegant!

Today is blue-sky, bright and sunny, but quite chilly. I think tonight will drop down to freezing.

Well. Love and wishes for a peaceful, comforting New Year to every one of you. Be good to yourselves.

My stomach is killing me and my temp is 96. So its pretty low. Should I be concerned? I've heard a low temp is just as bad as a high temp and could indicate an infection. I wonder if theres some hotline I can call to explain my symptoms to who wont just tell me to go to the ER. If its not that serious
I can wait until the morning to go to immediate care while everyone is sleeping off their hangovers. But I am nervous about my mom driving on New Years Eve.

My brother is acting like he needs to go straight to the ER. I dont know whats wrong with him. But I think he might have covid. He looks really bad.

My brother claims hes ok and my mom wont push him she got pizza and I had a little 6 piece kids one. I ate 3 pieces before having enough. It didnt make my stomach feel better or worse. I took my Geodon after I ate and its just making me really tired. I have laundry I didnt set right so its not drying properly. I have another load thats done thats just sitting in the washer thats gonna have to sit in the dryer after its done because I don't have the energy to hang it up.

We have a number like that here in Aus so no doubt you’d have one there too.

@Mountaindewed, unless you feel very sick, you might want to wait and call your general practioner tomorrow, since today's a holiday. That's the usual place to call. I'm not sure that a 96 F temperature is anything to immediately fear, unless you slept in the tundra...unless you're really sick. Maybe eat a nice meal and your temp will rise. Or see if your thermometer is off. Many people regularly have temps a little below 98.6 F.

Thanks. My temp is 97 something now. So its better. My stomach is still off but I did manage to finish dinner last night and I was able to sleep all night. I do hope though my mom takes my brothers symptoms seriously since something does seem very wrong with him.

I'm hoping to hold off until Monday when my doctor is in the office. I see him in 2 weeks for my 6 month visit but maybe I can move my appointment up.

I also have this very strange exhaustion despite sleeping for 11 hours last night and drinking 2 Mountain Dews this morning. Its just like this sheer exhuastion I haven't felt in I don't know how long. I just feel totally worn out.

I'll have to check if my symptoms get to that point. So far I feel sick but I still feel like I can manage things on my own. I know I've called the hospitals direct number before and they have just told me to go to the ER. But if I look around maybe I can find a nurses hotline or something.

Let’s all hope and pray my flight doesn’t get canceled for a second time. My mom is neurotic and she just keeps saying “it’s going to be canceled, it’s going to get canceled.” I really don’t need that negative thinking or BS in my life right now. I just want to go home. I am scheduled to leave tomorrow morning.

Things are going awful. First and foremost, my brothers personality is coming out more and more to the extent that I realize that we are very different people. It’s alarming in a lot of ways to me and I just want to be gone. Last night we went to a church event and during one of the skits a man got hurt. To what extent I’m not sure, but he is going to have to have surgery. He did a backflip off the sanctuary and landed wrong. I was more appalled at the fact that when he’s writhing in pain and screaming call an ambulance, the first thing the breaker does is push everyone away and say let us pray”I was more appalled at the fact that when he’s writhing in pain and screaming call an ambulance, the first thing the breaker does is push everyone away and say “ let us pray” instead of trying to actively help the man. To be fair to the preacher— I’m sure he knew someone was calling an ambulance … but it rubbed me the wrong way.

I also did not like being herded it into a room and then having the door blocked by people so I couldn’t get out. (Their intention was to not traumatize then children or others anymore than they were…). But anyway, as we were leaving all the way home my brother and mom talked about it. Every gruesome detail. Everyone processes trauma differently and that’s fine, but I don’t think my brothers kids particularly wanted to talk about it or hear anymore about it. I know I certainly didn’t.

After the car ride and being home the conversation turned into gun violence and crime, of which I have past traumas that pertain to those things. One of the kids looked uncomfortable, I requested three times to change the subject to no avail. I fell into a trap and made a comment an opposite position to get filleted. I asked one more time if we could change the convo, to be ignored again. I just left the table.

I celebrated the new year in my room, I went to sleep. I’m really quite frustrated with that scenario today. There’s nothing I can do about it, and the only person I can control is me. I did what I had to do for me, and I left. By this time, I was not being barred into a room, I was not being forced to listen to it by sitting in the car, so I did what I had to and I left.

This church already had a lots of strikes against them in my book. The whole night was chaos and confusion and the skit was dangerous. Let me just put it this way— who approved a sermon with a demonstration using mentos and diet Coke in the sanctuary? …. I’m just saying. It rubbed me wrong.

As resentful as I feel today; I’m glad I did what I did for me. I don’t like sitting around with learned helplessness. I hope my brother’s kids are ok. They were just as uncomfortable as I was. They stayed around.

Nothing more to report.

EDIT: the man broke both his kneecaps.

I'm doing good today mood wise. Anxiety wise it comes and goes but I'm still on track with my valium. I am exhausted despite getting a lot of sleep and having a lot of caffeine this morning. I am also very cold and I have the hood to my hoodie up plus I'm wearing a hat. I suspect I have some sort of vitamin defiency but nothing major. My weight went from 172 at Christmas to 166 today. But I was on those 3 meds that caused hunger. So I assume the weight is just a med thing but my appetite is very low. But it could also be all the zero sugar sodas I'm drinking to help me stay awake that is supressing my appetite. I want to lose weight though so I don't really mind the weight issue and how its happening.

My mom is at the store buying vegetables and she found me the new zero sugar Mountain Dew. I've stopped hoarding soda and I've started just drinking what I have. I don't have much anymore compared to what I used to have. I just this morning finished my case of watermelon zero sugar Mountain Dew so finding this new stuff works out nicely. Although I don't feel quite as bad about my soda collection after seeing my brother in laws action figure collection. Now that is nothing but hoarding and my mom says it is too.

So I'm doing ok I'm just a bit under the weather and I am thinking a bit of january 2020 when we first found out about covid and I was super sick most likely with covid. I am also thinking about the therapist I had at that time and all the crap we went through with the remote sessions. I still kind of miss her.

I've noticed like just in these past few days that I am really looking masculine now and its making me super happy.

So I think today I may just have general seasonal depression stuff about stuff that went on 2 years ago mixed in with a bit of legit physical stuff.

Happy New Year everyone

Happy New Year 🎆 everyone.

Happy New Year everyone!

Happy New Year everyone. Let's hope that this new year is better.

I'm still getting anxiety attacks. Most of them aren't as strong as they were before I started Trintellix but a couple throughout the day are still pretty strong and lengthy. I'm still a couple of weeks from possibly increasing the Trintellix.

Why are they still not saying how Betty White died? I could have been dreaming it because I woke up a couple times and then I fell back asleep but I thought I read that there was no foul play but there was an investigation going on. I don't know. I'm not one of those tin hat people but you'd think if she just died in her sleep or had a heart attack they'd say that already. I just find her dying on New Years Eve after a really bad year when there was so much hype over her 100th birthday in 3 weeks kinda strange.

Does anyone else think this as well?

Even the famous people who have died of covid they have said the cause of death right away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 Happy New Year everyone. Let's hope that this new year is better. I'm still getting anxiety attacks. Most of them aren't as strong as they were before I started Trintellix but a couple throughout the day are still pretty strong and lengthy. I'm still a couple of weeks from possibly increasing the Trintellix.

A happy, healthy New Year to you too, Scooter. My thought is to advocate for raising the dose. Anxiety attacks are hell on earth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Why are they still not saying how Betty White died? I could have been dreaming it because I woke up a couple times and then I fell back asleep but I thought I read that there was no foul play but there was an investigation going on. I don't know. I'm not one of those tin hat people but you'd think if she just died in her sleep or had a heart attack they'd say that already. I just find her dying on New Years Eve after a really bad year when there was so much hype over her 100th birthday in 3 weeks kinda strange. Does anyone else think this as well? Even the famous people who have died of covid they have said the cause of death right away.

She died of "natural causes." A good way to die...she was probably asleep and her heart just stopped.


I know a number of people (both of my in-laws, for example) who died shortly before their 100th birthdays. Maybe Betty just wanted to have a peaceful end to her life before the new year rolled in.

They’ve said she passed in her sleep

I've been dealing with thoughts of my transfernce T all day and its been very hard. I think I'm just dealing with memories of this time in 2020. I just ordered 10 tubes of that candy I like that reminds me of her.



I know I just shouldnt listen to music that bothers me but I feel connected to it and unable to let go the same way I cant let go of the candy. My mom doesnt know why I do most of the stuff I do. But I do plan on discussing the music part in therapy at my next session since we have never discussed that before

I've tried cancelling my music subscription a couple times but I can't sleep without it and I've tried deleting specifc songs but I've always ended up downloading them again.

I don't get what my issue is. I wonder if the idea of possibly seeing my pdoc in person is setting me off as well.

Flight cancelled again. I’ll never get home at this rate.

I'm so unhappy.

We had a nice day today. Weather was totally crappy (raining all day) so we went to the shore and our stand-by arcade. My son got enough points for two apple gift cards. $200 in credits to get $50 in gift cards from points, but it’s the fun that counts right? I did make us wear masks even though it wasn’t crowded.

I’m pretty sure my son’s school is going to go virtual, if not by mo day, then shortly after. The notice I got today said there are more positives among staff and students today than yesterday from the first notice, so yeah, I think it’s coming. I’m upset because I’ll have to take leave from work. I’m not eligible for FMLA as my company’s insurance adjuster so kindly told me, so I’ll probably get fired. But oh well, what can I do? If they can’t appreciate that I have to take care of my family above all else then there’s nothing to do. I don’t have another school left to go to, though. I’ve exhausted all the special education schools in the area and public districts aren’t hiring aids full time. They generally hire two people for each half of the day so they don’t have to provide benefits. Scummy, I know. I might be able to find somewhere but it won’t be ED kids. That’s who I really want to work with.

My son is at an age where next year he will Likely be responsible enough to spend at least half a day at home by himself, so a school is not so much a necessity anymore. It would suck to work in an office but I could do it. I could try to get in with the township or the state. My brother works for one and my SIL for the other. I could take an admin assistant course at the community college to up my chances since I have zero office experience. I do have skills that translate though.

Ah well. As long as we all get through this safely. No job is worth my family’s health or whoever we may come in contact with.

So I'm not doing much better. We're having growing pains over here with Miguel and we're all in constant compromise. He walked to a friends house that was three hours away he got there at 10 (He just said he was going for a walk). Then he got mad we didn't want him taking the 3 hour walk home at who knows when. He doesn't even have a light. We're trying to convince him to at least get a motorized bike.

We've been having major troubles with our electricity for our house. Either the wiring is shot or a fuse. It's only 6:15 am and we already have a 24-hour response electrician working on it. I hope the landlady pays us back for the bill. She has some weird *** notions about what we're responsible for or what we can do to HER property. I once casually mentioned that I like fireplaces, after which she seriously said we could have one added...at our expense. Not! I'm not investing our money in her house! Czech tenets sometimes do, but usually only for long-term rent controlled apartments, not privately owned rentals.

I almost missed the ball drop! I had a midnight 12/31 deadline on some work I was responsible for and was working up to the wire. I looked up and the countdown was at 10 seconds. No party this year but I enjoyed a delicious Monte Christo from Cheddars and some Sangria. I hope everyone here experiences 2022 as much better than 2021. I plan to.

My sister and family are coming over today (with lasagna!) so we can visit with my nephew who is in from the Navy for 10 days. My daughter may drive down as well. That would be lovely.

We had another line of severe storms come through last night and when the weather alarm went off at 10 to go to our safe place I slept right through it! PTL nothing happened.

I’m letting my therapist go tomorrow. The one that nags and denigrates me. I’m already looking for someone to take her place. I have some exciting possibilities lined up.

May everyone have a peaceful day.