Bipolar check-in #62

Hubby and I went for a day trip today. I thought the destination was only one hour away, max, but it took almost three (each way). Other than an extremely good lunch along the way, the destination was less than interesting. I told Hubby that we should cease trips around our current region and go elsewhere. We're both getting sick and tired of this region.

As mentioned a couple days ago, I'm very encouraged by my husband's interest in clearing some stuff out of the attic. We've put it off, but agreed tomorrow will be the official start. Getting him to get rid of anything is a major triumph. The goal is to make things easier for a future move. We won't be staying here for another year. Period! @whatever2013, yes, this is my way when I'm doing well. Thank you for the compliment and the support! I try not to be one the sits around too long "hoping" or lamenting. I try, if at all possible, to be action oriented and determined.

Our original reason for choosing our current location turned out to be a bust. I confess to being quite angry at my husband's friend, and to Hubby to a much lesser degree. We've also discovered that with the exception of his sister, his nephews can't really be counted on for much future assistance. I don't hold that against them. After all, it's their lives and choices. I'm just happy that we at least KNOW so we can adjust our future plans, accordingly. As a childless middle-aged couple, such planning is crucial. Yes, it's good to see things in a realistic and accurate light.

I told Hubby tonight that my therapist said that he thinks HE is likely in more need of therapy than me right now. Hubby is stubborn about getting a tdoc/pdoc, so I gave him an ultimatum. Either find a tdoc/pdoc and work to get out of his continuing depression, OR let's get more action oriented to seek out a situation that makes us happier and more secure. I'm ready to start the rest of my life sooner than later. I'm sick of living in someone else's house in a place that doesn't "click for me". I'm even sick of not having a pet. Yea, I'm sick of a lot of things and...I'm not going to take it anymore! Or as my dad would always say, "Let's get the show on the road!"

I get all comfortable with the idea of going back to work and then I hear about another hate crime and then I don't even want to leave my house to get groceries. I wish my therapist could be a bit more reassuring instead of saying "when it happens you need to be prepared" because how does she know it will happen? How is she so sure I'll be the target of discrimnation? This is what ****s me over every week in therapy which is why last week I said I did not want to discuss any of it. I think we confuse each other a lot of the time. I do really want to go back to work. But the news can be scary.

I tried going back to the grocery store to see if they had stocked the soda in cans and I had a list of other stuff I needed. My anxiety was still high and I just froze in the store and I glanced quickly for the soda then left without getting any of my other stuff. I came home and took my last valium with my 20mil Geodon and I am just trying to relax. I'll try going out in the morning when people are back at school and work.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I've really fallen a bit behind here. Sending positive vibes to all. It's as gloomy as gloomy can be here in my part of Czech Republic. My husband is a real night owl and always has been. I woke up at around 4:45 am to see him finally going to bed. I didn't let on that I was awake, but watched him do something very strange. It took him almost 10 minutes to put on his pajama top. He did so slowly, then took it off. Then again the same. Then again the same. I wondered if he might have done so as some part of a ritual. I asked him about it at breakfast and he said he didn't want to wake me up, so did so for that reason. Maybe he put it on backwards twice? Not sure. In any case, I'm certain he's on the OCD spectrum because of many other behaviors. His sister agrees with me. And he's depressed and has ADD. I've been pressing him to go to a psychiatrist, but he won't. General practitioners in Czech Republic are not permitted to prescribe psych meds. He already tried to get them to.

Your husband sounds like mine. David was diagnosed long ago with OCD, ADHD - and I'm sure he suffers some degree of depression, which appears as irritability. He remembers having symptoms as young as 13, then they really increased during his time in Vietnam (war). He flatly refuses medication, which I believe is terribly unfortunate.

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Originally Posted by unlived There’s a different test - I’m not sure what it’s called but my dog had it a couple of weeks ago and it’s basically the same as the A1C but I don’t think it’s over the same time period. I assume it would be for cats too.

I googled it and yes! Cats can certainly have an A1C test. I'll be darned. Why the heck don't vets do an A1C on them!? I don't know of any cat who has had one.

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 Hello, have been away for some time (I usually post in the depression threads), but suddenly it happened to me that I became high in emotions (not good ). I don't know what that means, but I felt for writing in here .... I visited my old mother and a very old ant yesterday. It was OK. Today I am at home trying to do some work in the home. Good wishes to all ....

Hello GoGo2 Welcome back!

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 I did laundry and had a shower yesterday. I know it's not much but with this persistent mild depression it's actually pretty good for me. I know i might be getting annoying always mentioning my persistent mild depression, but it is my regular pattern to be down in the Summer and Winter and high in the Spring and Fall so this is just normal for me and i don't expect any changes til Spring so i'm afraid i'll be singing this song for a while. Apologies if it's getting old. I stepped away from the forum for a few days because i thought i was wearing you all out but i found i missed it too much so here i am, back again, dark cloud in tow. I also got my dog out yesterday and had a nice chat with a lovely young lady neighbor who finally went on a date from a dating site. Young love -- so exciting! @Blue_Bird: I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. You mentioned 'self-hatred.' That's very brave of you to admit it openly like that. I suffer from that too. It's very painful. Glad Miss Mustachio is a comfort, she's a cutie! @Nammu: Glad your mom had such a nice birthday. It was charming to read about. You are a great daughter! I wish my own relationship with my mom had been as warm. @HALLIEBETH87: Congratulations on finishing your assignment! You go girl! @WindsThatBlow: BeL@tEd H@pPy BiRtHd@Y! Hope you had a nice day! @Soupe du jour: You sure seem to like big projects! I admire that, you get so much done, a real Force of Nature!

You're not an annoyance, at all

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I had a best friend from preschool right until the start of 7th grade who ditched me the summer before school started because thats when I started having issues and they were really affecting our friendship. But then everyone sided with her and they all turned the school agaisnt me and they spread a rumor that I was gay. So I'd have kids I didn't even know come up to me and say "sorry I'm straight." And walk away. Now my old friend is a therapist. My mom and I totally believe she went into the mental health field because of how she treated me. But I was looking at her Linkdin last night and I guess she either works or did an intern at the adult unit at the psych hospital where I did my IOP in 2020. Man am I really glad I did not get admitted. But its funny how life works out. I'm doing ok today. I found the new Coke in 20oz bottles but not in cans. I've been all over this morning looking for it. I may go back to one of the stores later today. Its crowded out there today. There was a lady at Target with 4 or so young kids and my mom said "she sure was busy having babies" and I said "how do you know they are all hers?" Lol and like so what if they were all hers

So strange about your friend. Yes, life definitely brings some surprises!

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hubby and I went for a day trip today. I thought the destination was only one hour away, max, but it took almost three (each way). Other than an extremely good lunch along the way, the destination was less than interesting. I told Hubby that we should cease trips around our current region and go elsewhere. We're both getting sick and tired of this region. As mentioned a couple days ago, I'm very encouraged by my husband's interest in clearing some stuff out of the attic. We've put it off, but agreed tomorrow will be the official start. Getting him to get rid of anything is a major triumph. The goal is to make things easier for a future move. We won't be staying here for another year. Period! @whatever2013, yes, this is my way when I'm doing well. Thank you for the compliment and the support! I try not to be one the sits around too long "hoping" or lamenting. I try, if at all possible, to be action oriented and determined. Our original reason for choosing our current location turned out to be a bust. I confess to being quite angry at my husband's friend, and to Hubby to a much lesser degree. We've also discovered that with the exception of his sister, his nephews can't really be counted on for much future assistance. I don't hold that against them. After all, it's their lives and choices. I'm just happy that we at least KNOW so we can adjust our future plans, accordingly. As a childless middle-aged couple, such planning is crucial. Yes, it's good to see things in a realistic and accurate light. I told Hubby tonight that my therapist said that he thinks HE is likely in more need of therapy than me right now. Hubby is stubborn about getting a tdoc/pdoc, so I gave him an ultimatum. Either find a tdoc/pdoc and work to get out of his continuing depression, OR let's get more action oriented to seek out a situation that makes us happier and more secure. I'm ready to start the rest of my life sooner than later. I'm sick of living in someone else's house in a place that doesn't "click for me". I'm even sick of not having a pet. Yea, I'm sick of a lot of things and...I'm not going to take it anymore! Or as my dad would always say, "Let's get the show on the road!"

I hear you, Soupe. From what you've been feeling like, and thinking about, for many months I agree that a change(s) is in order. Your dad's "Let's get the show on the road!" brings to mine a memory...in Yiddish Tucas oyfn tish! translates roughly to "Let's get down to it and take care of things!"...or, more crassly, "Let's get off our azzes and get it done!"

Mountaindewed, we've all got to be strong and not let hate make us hide or back down. Your therapist is correct that it is out there and on the rise. Since just before 2016 it's been especially stoked and many with hate feel empowered and given a voice, where it "seemed" less prevalent in the past. To hide to avoid possible hate is to let hate win and to give up life.

No one seems to be immune from hate crimes, especially nowadays. Not even me and I'm not exactly a person many would point at as a likely recipient of one. I've also been a victim of other types of crime. The lessons I've learned keep me safer, but without giving up the life I want.

We must all build up figurative calluses, to a degree. We must also fight for what's best.

Hi all, I'm just exhausted. I'm allowing myself to go back to bed and (hopefully!) sleep some more. I feel like I'm going to drop on the floor, and due to feeling so tired I feel way too emotional and dysregulated.

This is so true!!

Awww @BethRags I hope you manage to get some rest and feel better!
Youre so lovely, please dont forget that and dont forget we're here for you too!

Im back in bed and its not even 8pm.
I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow which Im feeling anxious about, I hope I manage to make them. I also have dog training classes starting tomorrow eve, but tomorrow is just virtual. Im very anxious about it but I think it will be good for my dog.

Im trying my best to reduce my anxiety levels but they are jsut so high, I think that is contributing to making me feel so tired.

I hope you are all having a lovely day or night

Thank you your post means alot. I was just riding on my high horse for a few days feeling so good and ready about returning to work and then today I just felt like I had a major setback with my anxiety about it and it was just tough to handle.

I think that the best way to prepare for being mocked is to do something in advance. Role-play in front of a mirror until you feel that you can say what needs to be said in such situations calmly with a body posture that shows self-confidence.

I'm glad if what I wrote was helpful or motivating. I'd like to add that though there is more vocalization of hate and prejudice out there, there is also an increase in people who accept and support. Certainly when I was your age (in 2000), the climate was far less friendly for many in the LGBTQ+ community. There has been a lot of positive education since then. More needs to be done. It will be, despite some groups' efforts in the US.

Have a good and needed rest! Hope you feel better afterward!

Hugs to all in need

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've been away for a few days (or maybe a bit less) It's been a weird and hard few days (I'm not telling anyone what's going on, I'm sorry if I'm seeming secretive. I will tell some people some time. Nothing about anything here (obviously) Papa bear (my husband) is happy just confiding in me. I tried at one point to get a bit closer to one of his siblings (they don't live locally, so it was on the phone) but I didn't much like the results, I felt like I was being misunderstood. I guess his family are very traditional and don't understand (or maybe want to understand) someone who is a bit different. And I do not think they understand mental illness, abuse issues etc.

Ugh had a whole post and then safari crashed.

The summary is that I’m very depressed, less agitated but still irritable and quick to anger. I don’t know how to move forward, none of the options look good. I am agonizing about going to work tomorrow and if I was just depressed I think I could make it but with the anger and irritability it could be a bad idea because I could get snippy with the students and that’s not fair on them.

I’m thinking I’m going to stay home tomorrow, however hard it is for me to admit defeat, and that way I can call my pdoc’s office when it opens and also speak to my therapist. I’m stuck.

Mirtazapine - I've not tried this. I was prescribed it once but it was a very bad consultation (it was also about a couple of physical issues...) and I am allergic to many in the same family of drugs (or similar). The doctor I saw soon afterwards was much more friendly and intuitive and used much kinder words... she prescribed Seroquel. (I later became allergic to that too, and she left the practice, obviously not connected)

Ok. Now is a time to panic. For real. My trans doctor. The doctor who checks my levels and all that. He's actually an endocrnolgist but he goes under trans affirming care for insurance reasons. But he just got back to me through my portal and said my blood levels remain high even after decreasing my testereone levels. Which may indicate a secondary cause. He said he'll discuss it with me on Thursday.

I am about to have a legit panic attack. I was actually already on the verge of one before I got the news. I have a weird feeling in my lungs which I thought was anxiety. What the **** does a secondary cause mean? Is that the blood cancer those 2 levels can indicate when they are high?

I am really really scared and I have to wait 2 days to get answers from him. My mom is all like "oh don't worry about it." But how can anyone, even someone without an anxiety disorder not worry over this?

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Ok. Now is a time to panic. For real. My trans doctor. The doctor who checks my levels and all that. He's actually an endocrnolgist but he goes under trans affirming care for insurance reasons. But he just got back to me through my portal and said my blood levels remain high even after decreasing my testereone levels. Which may indicate a secondary cause. He said he'll discuss it with me on Thursday. I am about to have a legit panic attack. I was actually already on the verge of one before I got the news. I have a weird feeling in my lungs which I thought was anxiety. What the **** does a secondary cause mean? Is that the blood cancer those 2 levels can indicate when they are high? I am really really scared and I have to wait 2 days to get answers from him.

Honey, please, please work with your mind so you don't jump to the worst possibility. I struggle with doing the same, and I know from my own tendency to do so that it's never helpful. A "secondary cause" can be anemia, it can be a vitamin deficiency, a thyroid issue...sheesh! So many simple things that are easily treated - or, as often turns out, just fluke readings that have absolutely no explanation.

Thankfully, I fell asleep and slept well for an almost 2 hour nap. I have never needed a good sleep more. I still feel more anxious than I'd like to feel, and somewhat down. I was eating some cereal and choked on it - a terrible fear of mine - that caused me to feel weary and just...I don't know. I never do like holiday Mondays, never liked them when i worked, even. The time changes in 3 weeks. Why can't darkness fall around 7 p.m. every evening? Stupid time change.

Hugs all around~

I know, its just still scary/unsettling news to get and I have not been feeling well for awhile. Which is why I wanted to move up my appointment and get the blood work done sooner. Its the 2 day anticipatictory anxiety that will be tough.